Author's Note: Why in God's name am I so bored? I really need a better hobby. …Or DO I? For some strange reason, I can never watch anything Street Fighter without giggling like a loon. Help me.
For those of you that don't know, this fic is the first part of a parody I'm writing that's based on the movie Street Fighter Alpha. I just switched the Alpha with Beta for obvious reasons – my fic is retarded. It would definitely be funnier if you've watched the movie before continuing, but if not, hey, be my guest and read anyway. Enjoy, ignore, ridicule, it's up to you. Later!
Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.
Street Fighter Beta
Part 1
Somewhere, in a mysteriously dark, silent place, Akuma, the lone warrior, was training. With loud grunts and cries, his fiery hair shaking and beads swinging about him, the warrior honed his fighting skills on invisible enemies. He performed a high kick, jabbed a fist to the left, then began dancing backwards to a chair which he flung himself on, pulling a nearby chain and dousing himself with a pail of water-
Wait, what? Isn't that Flashdance or some crap? …Okay, moving on!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!!"
Far away in the lonely mountains, a lone scream rang out from the inner confines of an old, abandoned temple, throwing the crappy wooden doors open and knocking a few off their hinges. As the cry petered out, silence reigned over the temple and surrounding forest, as even the birds and insects quieted in fear.
"I…I'm sorry!" Ryu, the main character of Street Fighter, called out awkwardly from inside the old temple to no-one in particular, as he was quite alone. "I…I didn't mean it! My bad! Here, I'll…" He stood up and went to one of the doors, attempting to affix them back on their hinges, but they just toppled right over again. "Aw, crap. Just…uh…put it on my tab, or…something."
He stood there quietly for several seconds, then bolted toward the trees. Truth be told, he had no money, and what little precious currency he did have SO wasn't gonna be wasted on stupid temple doors.
-The Next Day-
The next day, in some sunny, lazy coastal town, a young girl with short brown hair and Japanese school uniform sat with her friend on a bench, talking excitedly.
"-And then he punched him, and there was so much blood, and I was all like, 'Cool!', and then he yanked out his spinal cord, and I was all like, 'COOL!', and then-"
"Sakura," her pale-faced friend interrupted. "Please…stop…talking about that. Can't we just go into town and shop for clothes and do other clichéd girly crap?"
"Bah, no thanks!" Sakura snorted and tossed her head. "I'm doing special training today!"
"Wow, like sparring?" Her friend asked curiously.
"Hell no! Eating hot-dogs!"
"…What?"
"Yeah, you know!" Sakura nodded to herself as she went on. "You ever see that one Asian dude on Spike TV? He sucks those things up like a freaking vacuum! He…is so…COOL."
"…You need help, bitch." The other girl stated after a long moment.
"Why are we friends again?" Sakura asked suddenly.
"Contract specifications," the other girl said, taking a sip of her soda.
"Oh yeah right."
Close by the two chatting girls, Ryu stood at a metal railing overlooking the sea, the salty waves crashing and churning below. Ryu stared out at them, brooding darkly.
"Akuma…" he said to himself in a quiet tone of voice. "He uses the Dark Hadou…he also killed his own master, and my-BLAAAAAAARGH!" He suddenly doubled over the railing and heaved up his latest meal. "Eugh, even the sea air makes me sick…" Seagulls screamed and quickly swooped down on the inviting vomit. "Ewww- hey that's kinda cool…"
Elsewhere at the moment, but still kinda close-by I guess (?!!), a small boy-child with unruly brown hair and scrawny limbs arrived at the very temple Ryu had been in last night. An old monk was sweeping the temple grounds and looked up curiously at the new arrival.
"I'm here to see my big brother!" The boy said proudly. The old monk raised a busy eyebrow.
"…Do you mean my penis?"
The boy stared at the monk for several seconds, then shot back down the steps of the temple as fast as his little legs could go.
"Wait, no! Come back! Damn, lost another one!" The elderly monk threw his broom down in frustration.
Back in town, a lovely Chinese bun-headed woman was busy beating the hell out of crime – literally. Chun Li leapt around buildings, defeating evil-doers with well-placed kicks and punches. She whirled around and punched the last goon in the gut, then grabbed him by the shirt and hauled him close.
"WHO SENT YOU?!!" She hollered in his face.
"No-one! I'm just a passerby!"
Chun-Li suddenly realized she was holding an old woman.
"…Oh. Sorry." She nervously released the woman and edged around her.
"Damn Asians and their squinty eyes…" The old lady muttered to herself as she tottered away clutching her purse. Chun-Li made a lunge at her back but was restrained by her blond partner, Wallace.
"No, don't, Chun-Li!" He begged, barely holding her back. "It's not worth it! They'll suspend you again!"
On the street down below, several of the criminals had escaped Chun-Li's wrath and grabbed a kid to use as a hostage. This didn't last for long, as Ryu quickly flipped down from above to save the poor child, Sakura and her friend gasping at the sight of the spectacle.
"Hyaaa-BLARRRGH!" Vomit rained down on the bad guy as Ryu landed awkwardly on his feet and staggered a bit. "Sorry, man…the sea air just does stuff to me, and-"
The puke-covered man pulled out a gun and opened fire.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
"Well that was just rude," Ryu stated, dodging a few bullets before knocking the man out with a flurry of blows. Chun-Li gasped as the man's unconscious body landed next to her, then kicked it in the side.
"…That's for calling me Asian!"
"No he didn't-"
"Shut up, Wallace!" Chun-Li looked up and gasped again. One last criminal had pulled out a gun and was aiming at Ryu's vulnerable backside. "Look out!"
"Hyaaaaaaa!" Ryu whirled around, punches flying in the air, kicks swinging upward. He stepped back and waited as-
"…You didn't even touch me!" The criminal barked out.
"Oh. Oops." Ryu blinked, stared at him for a moment, then head-butted him into a coma. "…Anyone got some pepto?" He asked aloud, rubbing his tummy and looking around.
-Later, at Headquarters-
Later that day, Chun-Li and Wallace had returned to police headquarters to lock up the hooligans and go over their new assignment. Apparently they were after a bad guy named Sadler who ran a criminal organization called Shadowlaw, but Chun-Li had more important things to do at the moment, namely look for information on Ryu!
"Damn, I can't find anything on this guy!" Chun-Li muttered, scouring Google and Myspace for any info. "Come on…a-ha! Found something!" She clicked on a link and was instantly taken to a site which displayed a sexy picture of Ryu, shirtless and well-oiled. "…What the hell kind of site is this? Who made it? 'Ken the Master'? Who is that?"
"Hey, Chun-Li, I just got the files for-" Wallace stepped into her office and froze once he caught sight of her computer screen. Chun-Li stared at him.
"What? No, wait, I wasn't-"
Wallace slowly backed out the door and closed it behind him.
"I…I wasn't doing anything!!" Chun-Li paused, then quickly turned around and saved the picture to her documents. "It's just for reference, is all!"
-With Ryu-
Ryu, meanwhile, was in the midst of a large forest, climbing ancient, weather-beaten steps toward an unknown destination. The wind blew roughly, causing leaves to swirl around him, and a strange blue tarot card suddenly danced into sight upon the wind and dropped into his pail of water.
"Huh? What's this?" Ryu looked down in confusion. "Gawd, get offa me, Miss Cleo!" As he snatched up the offending card, the wind blew even more fiercely, leaves scattering everywhere and a strange vision taking over Ryu. A pale-haired and strangely-dressed woman appeared before him, blocking his path.
"Miss Cleo, you've lost weight," Ryu stated, cocking an eyebrow at the woman. "…And color."
"Hush, I am not Miss Cleo, my name is Rose!" The mysterious woman chided. "I have come to tell you something about your future-"
"Aww, and you lost your accent, too!" Ryu complained. "And that was my favorite part!"
The Rose woman stared at him for a moment, considering.
"If I do the accent,
will you listen?" She asked. Ryu thought for a moment.
"YES."
"Alright then." Rose cleared his throat and continued, this time with a heavy Jamaican accent. "Yoo'll soon meet someone whoo will shape ya destiny, and ya'll change!" She finished, a smug smile on her face. Ryu stared at her blankly.
"That…that's it? That's my fortune?" He asked incredulously. "How *bleep*ing vague is THAT? It could mean anything! I want my money back, Cleo!!" He lunged at Rose, but too late.
"Er…sorry, no refunds!" She coughed, then disappeared.
"Dammit! Knew she was a fraud…Rose…" Ryu muttered to himself and began climbing the stairs again.
"Rose?" A scandalized voice from behind him asked. "Who's that, the whore who's stealing you away from me?"
"Oh. LORD." Ryu squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then turned around with a fake smile plastered on his face. "Ken! It's great to see you! How've you been?"
Ken Masters, Ryu's best friend (and latent homosexual stalker), stood below him on the steps, dressed smartly in a suit with a small bundle of flowers.
"Hey, buddy!" He said with a wink. "I brought these flowers for the person I admire most."
"Ken, that's really nice of you!" Ryu said, surprised. "You came all the way out here to give flowers to the M-"
Ken handed him the flowers.
"-e." Ryu finished awkwardly, taking the bundle. "Er…I'll just…put them on Master Gouken's grave."
"Oh, fine! Play hard to get!" The two of them continued up the steps until they reached the summit, where an old, cracked tombstone sat, obviously the grave-marker of their late Master, Gouken.
"So, you came all the way here to visit the grave?" Ryu asked, looking up at his friend, who shrugged.
"No, I had other business to check out, mostly your ass-"
"Huh?"
"Nothing." Ken tossed his long pony-tail over his shoulder. "Here, I'll go get some lube so we can do it."
"What?"
"I said I'll go get some water so we can do it right."
"…Oh. Okay." Ryu watched him warily as he skipped back down the steps and out of sight. As silence filled the air and peace returned to the area, Ryu suddenly gasped in pain and clutched his chest. "Gahh! No, not again…not…heartburn!!" He groaned in agony and fell to his knees. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that burrito! Damn…Mexican food!"
Down on the path below, Ken stopped skipping and sniffed at the air, eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"Hmm…man-senses…tingling! My man needs me!" He quickly turned on his heel and dashed back up the stairs to find Ryu lying on the ground, unconscious. "Hey! Snap out of it! Who did this to you?!" Ken looked up at that moment and caught sight of the scruffy-looking kid from before, who'd just appeared nearby. "IT WAS YOU!!" Ken leapt at the boy, fists clenched.
*WHACK! CRACK! POW!*
"Owwie!" Ken fell to the ground, both eyes blackened and missing a tooth. "Ryu, that brat hit me! Help!"
-Later…-
Later that day, once Ryu had regained consciousness and Ken now had cold-packs on both eyes, the trio had returned to the run-down temple to figure out where the heck the story was going.
"You're his little brother?" Ken asked incredulously, looking between the boy, who revealed his name to be Shun, and Ryu. "You seriously expect us to believe that bullcrap?" He glanced at Ryu and looked him in the eye. "Come on, man. Test him or something!"
"Ken's right," Ryu told Shun, looking him up and down. "If you're really my brother…" Ryu crossed his arms, thinking, "what's our mother's name?"
"Uh…" Shun thought for a moment. "Mom?"
"Well I'm convinced!" Ryu declared, then sat down next to Shun and ruffled his hair. Ken made a loud noise that sounded like an inverted fart.
"If you still don't believe me, here's proof!" Shun reached into his pocket and withdrew an old, tattered picture. Ken snatched it away and peered closely at it.
"Hey, she's not bad lookin'!" He whistled, raising a brow at the person in the picture, who held hands with a chibi-Ryu.
"…That's our dad," Shun said quietly.
"Oh. I…uh…knew that." Ken handed the picture back to him, then turned to Ryu once again. "Look, Ryu, you can't possibly believe-"
Shun started bawling.
"Okay, okay!! You're his brother, gawd!!" Ken sat down and covered his face with his hands. "I'm so damn horny…"
"Yay, brothers!" Ryu and Shun sang, throwing their arms around one another and giggling.
Over the next few days, Shun hung out with the two companions, putting, as Ken called it, a major cramp in his style.
"Why do you have to eat with us?" Ken stated contemptuously, eyeing Shun as he sat between him and Ryu, devouring their meals.
"Because I'm his lil' brother!" Shun smirked. Ryu just smiled.
"Why do you have to sleep with us?" Ken stated contemptuously, eyeing Shun as he lay between him and Ryu, snoring like a jackhammer.
"Because I'm his lil' brother," Shun snorted in his sleep.
"Why do you have to BATHE with us?" Ken stated in exasperation, glaring at Shun as he sat in the small bath with the other two men, creating a small barrier between Ken and Ryu.
"Because I asked him to," Ryu replied.
"Oh, well that figures." Ken turned around and began to pout. "Damn kid. You are seriously cramping my style!"
"Aw, shut up, ya big 'mo!" Shun snapped, splashing Ken in the face.
"Why you!! I'll throw you to the old man!!" Ken hissed. Ryu kicked them both out and enjoyed a rather peaceful soak in the tub.
-Later…-
Later that week, with the bickering, eating, and bathing all done, the two boys and one idiot (you can guess which one that is) gathered on the sea shore to frolic in the salty surf as the sun rose.
"Well…I'm going in for a dip. Anyone care to join me?" Ken said seductively, taking off his shirt. Ryu and Shun were too busy making a sand-castle to notice. "You both suck!!" Just then a rather large wave came and knocked him off his feet. "Ow ow ow jellyfish on my nipples!" Ken came scrambling back onto the sand, panting for breath as he sat near the two siblings. He glared at Shun. "So…" He began, "Wait, who's your mother then? Your dad couldn't have had you all alone…unless he was GAY." He stared at Shun for several seconds. "Ohmygod please tell me he was maybe it runs in the family-"
Ryu clapped a hand over his friend's mouth to shut him up good.
"It doesn't matter to me," he told Shun quietly. "Mother, father, brother-"
"Lover!" Ken piped up.
Ryu snapped his neck.
"…Let's spar!" He said suddenly.
"Yay, brotherly bonding!" Shun sang, skipping over Ken's unconscious body and running into the clear waves to spar with his brother.
-Meanwhile…-
As the two brothers continued to spar against one another, Sakura was running around town, desperate to find Ryu. After seeing him fight with (and puke on) the criminals from the other day, she was determined to train with him.
"Mister, where ARE you?!!" Sakura bellowed in the streets, looking left and right with no luck. Everyone just kinda gave her funny looks, but that was pretty normal for her.
"Stop acting like a creepy stalker!" Sakura's friend complained. "Act like a regular stalker and try to Google him and find out his number and address and stuff! It'll be a lot easier than running around town like this!"
"No, that's part of the training!" Sakura insisted. "I have to find that guy!! He had on one of these!" She pointed at herself firmly. Her friend stared.
"…A skirt?"
"NO! A headband!!" Sakura clarified. "I wanna be just like him! Hya! Ya!" She threw a few punches, then accidentally kicked her friend in the face. "Oh. Oops. Sorry. My bad." She paused, then turned and ran off. "Where ARE you?!"
-Back at the Temple-
Back at the run-down temple, Shun tottered up onto the rickety roof, joining an already seated Ken and Ryu and handing them bowls of stew.
"Why can't you just fall you little bastard?" Ken muttered to himself as Shun somehow managed to keep his precarious footing.
"What?"
"I mean…yeah, I MEAN why can't you just fall you little-"
Ryu shoved him off the roof. Shun took the now-empty space next to his brother and watched the sun set with him. More brotherly bonding!
That night, as the three of them lay in bed, Ryu was awakened by more burning, painful sensations from his chest. It was…another attack of the dreaded Heart Burn! Oh, no!
"Aaaaugh…it was…those pork and beans!" Ryu gagged, struggling to his feet and stumbling out of the temple. Moments later, Ken woke.
"Mm, Ryu? You're so soft and squishy…" he opened his eyes and realized he was hugging a pillow. "SON OF A-" He leapt to his feet and dashed out after his best friend/ unwilling love interest.
Ryu was staggering about the forest, face warped into a beast-like mask from the burning pain. He began growling and snarling, clutching a hand to his chest all the while.
"So…hot! It…burns!" He choked out, then threw back his head and howled.
"Whoa! Somebody needs a hug!" Ken stated, running up. "This dark Ki…it must be…Heart Burn! The poor bastard! Snap out of it!" Rushing up to the struggling Ryu, he gave him a good, hard punch right in the gut. "Come on! Snap out of it, or…or…I'll kiss you!"
"Alright, I'm okay now!!" Ryu said quickly, having regained his senses. "Heart Burn…over."
"…You sure?" Ken leaned in close.
"YES! Positive!!" Ryu barked, holding him back.
"Maybe I should just kiss you to make sure-"
"NO! GET OFF!"
Shun stood watching the spectacle from the shadow of a nearby tree.
"Gawd, you're so GAY."
"That's it! You're goin' to the old man, brat!!"
Ryu winced as a sudden image of Akuma, the dreadful Dark Hadou user, flashed across his mind.
"Ken," Ryu gulped. "If…if I have such bad Heart Burn again…I…I want you to be the one…"
"Okay." Ken nodded sagely. "I will gladly fu-"
"I mean KILL me!!" Ryu sputtered. Ken frowned.
"…Oh." He paused. "But then I can't fu-"
"Change the *bleep*ing scene already, GEEZ!!"
-At the Police Headquarters-
Back at the Police Headquarters, Chun-Li was having a small meeting with her partner, Wallace, about Sadler's newest movements.
"Sadler, the head of Shadowlaw," Wallace was saying, "is coming to Japan. There's a Street-Fighting Competition in Kabootie Town-"
"What? Kabootie? Don't you mean Kabuki?" Chun-Li stared at him. "…Did you just hit on me?"
"Huh? No!" Wallace protested. "What I meant to say was…okay, well, yes, maybe a little, but only because you're wearing those damn spandex today! Feel like I'm going blind…" He forced his eyes away from the spandex-clad crotch of Chun-Li, which was very much like a black hole (no pun intended).
"What? They're slimming!" Chun-Li argued, blushing slightly.
-Back At the Temple-
Back at the crappy temple, Ken was busy training for the upcoming tournament…by fighting trees.
"Oh, yeah!" He gloated, punching one. "If I can beat this tree, a Street Fighting Tournament should be a piece of cake!" A nut fell from one of the upper branches and conked him on the head (imagine a loud, hollow sound). "OWWIE! I give up!" Ken burst into tears and stumbled away from the mean ol' tree.
"Don't worry, I'll win for you," Ryu sighed. Shun suddenly ran up to his side, a headband like his brothers cinched around his noggin.
"Hey, I wanna join, too! Please please please!!" He begged, hopping up and down.
"No, you two have to be my cheer-leaders!" Ken protested, crossing his arms huffily. "I had the costumes all planned out and everything! Especially yours, Ryu, it comes with a thong-"
"NO." Ryu said firmly. Ken deflated. Shun's headband suddenly came loose and slipped down his face. "Here, I'll show you how to tie it properly." Ryu stood before his brother and untied his own headband to demonstrate. Dramatic music began to play and the wind picked up. "When I tie this on…" Ryu said as he began doing so, "I always ask my body this question: Am I worthy…of this fight?"
Shun stared at his brother, impressed beyond word. Then he frowned.
"Um…it's a bow."
"Wha? Oops." Ryu flushed and quickly retied it.
"I thought it was cute," Ken stated from the back.
"You would!" Shun barked.
On the steps leading up to the derelict shrine, Sakura and her friend dashed up the steps, still in search of Ryu and his magical headband. Well, Sakura was the one doing the actual running, as her friend had recently lost consciousness and it was just easier to drag her around on a rope, really.
"Whee! Come on, hurry! I'm sure he's here somewhere!!" Sakura cried, taking three steps with each stride.
"Why…are we…friends again?" The pitiful friend croaked. Finally the two reached the top, where the same elderly monk was sweeping the steps again.
"Hmm? Oh, they left already," he told Sakura when she'd asked for Ryu. "They're headed for Kabuki town, but you're more than welcome to stay here with me and my pe-"
"Time to go!!" Sakura interrupted, clearly sensing a pervert and dashing back down the stairs, friend's body still in tow. The old man scowled and swore.
"Damn…not again…"
-End of Part One-
Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.
Author's Note: Wow, this thing's gonna be pretty long. Around thirty pages in all, if I'm not mistaken. So, to make things easier, I'll just split 'em up into three parts of about ten pages each. Expect the next part in a week or so (it takes a while to type these ma's out). Thanks for reading! Later!