DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter :(

Chapter One: In Which James Has A 'Grand Plan'.

"Boys", James announced as he sat down at the Gryffindor breakfast table, six weeks into their sixth year. "I have a Grand Plan".

"Good Lord" muttered Remus, taking a fortifying sip of coffee. He had a terrifying feeling he'd need it. Every one of James's 'Grand Plans' seemed to end in chaos, with Remus, the ever responsible prefect, being the one who had to bail everyone out of whatever trouble James (aided and abetted by his fellow Marauders) had inevitably landed them in.

"Does it involve Lily?" asked Peter, warily, suddenly fidgeting with the tightly wrapped bandages around the fingers of his left hand, an unfortunate casualty of a recent Lily-induced scheme.

"Er, no actually. It doesn't", answered James, sounding quite surprised himself. Shaking himself slightly, he continued. "I've been thinking—"

A familiar snort sounded behind him, causing James to jump in his seat, knees clipping the table.

"Really? Well, don't over-exert yourself Potter, you might strain something," Lily sneered, as she walked past with her friends. They all giggled at James's affronted expression, before sitting at the far end of the table.

"Well", James spluttered. "Well, Evans, maybe if you—"

"Prongs mate, let it go." interrupted Sirius, stopping James from continuing what would no doubt become yet another infamous Potter/Evans showdown.

Normally Sirius would be the first to encourage their fights, which had become a source of entertainment for the rest of the school, with a particularly competitive pool circling all four houses (and, more quietly, the staffroom), around who would emerge victorious. However, like Peter, Sirus was also bearing the - in his case figurative - scars of their last argument, which had somehow ended with Sirius being accidentally transfigured into a peacock. While he had been almost completely put right by the school nurse, he had still retained vivid blue hair and a peacock's raucous squawk for the next few days, letting out shrieks at very inopportune moments. The rest of the school body had yet to let him live it down.

James sighed and turned back to his friends, rubbing his throbbing knees. "Yes, well", he began again, trying to remember what he'd been saying. "Oh! Yes, I've been thinking. It's time", he said dramatically, drawing himself up and pausing for effect. "that we find Remus a girl!"

Remus choked, spraying Sirius, opposite him, with pumpkin juice.

"I mean", continued James, ignoring Remus's cries of protest, and Sirius' spluttering, as he swept his now sopping hair to the side, "Sirius has got what's-her-name from Ravenclaw…"

"No he doesn't", interrupted Peter. "That was last week, it's what's-her-face from Hufflepuff now".

"Exactly my point!" James exclaimed, stabbing a finger at Peter in triumph. Peter swerved to avoid losing an eye. "He doesn't have any problems with girls." He carried on, "…and I've got Lily…"

"You haven't got Lily, mate," laughed Sirius, mopping at the front of his shirt with a serviette. "Or did you miss that a few minutes ago?"

James threw him a disgruntled look. "You know what I mean".

"I don't," piped Peter. His comment was ignored by the others.

"And Peter…well, we'll worry about Peter later, shall we?"

"Look," Remus interrupted, before James could get any more carried away, "I'm fine, okay? I really don't need any help, especially when it's part of one of your 'Grand Plans'."

"Ah! That's where you're wrong, my friend. You've had no girlfriend that we've known about and you're sixteen! It's our duty, as friends, to save you from an otherwise inevitable Snape-fate!"

"A what now?" Sirius asked, curiosity plastered on his face with the remaining pumpkin juice.

"Still living at home with your mother when you're 40".

Sirius and Peter snickered appreciatively, while Remus still looked apprehensive.

"So you see why you need our help!"

"Wait…our?" interjected Sirius.

"Yes, of course, Padfoot. We couldn't possibly doom Moony to that life!"

"No…" Sirius said slowly, liking the idea more and more. "No, we couldn't possibly!"

He turned to look at James, both cracking identical, evil grins. They both turned back to look at Remus, who cringed noticeably under their joint gaze.

"So it's settled. Sirius and I will take it upon ourselves to help and teach you!"

A/N: I began this story when I was 17. As my first attempt at fanfiction, or indeed a multi-chapter story, I'm afraid I was a little over-ambitious. My bad. As a result, it has been on hiatus on various platforms for several years. Now, almost 10 years later, I've had quite a few requests from people who'd re-discovered it, asking if I'll ever finish it. So as a New Year's resolution - I promise to try.

I can't promise it'll be my best work - it's being completed from my notes and content written years ago, and it's a little too late to change the entire plot trajectory now - but I'll do what I can! I can however promise as much of an edit, including some new content, of previously posted chapters, to try and improve the overall quality as much as possible. The first three chapters, for example, have slight to significant changes in content.

HOWEVER: I will no longer be posting updates to FanFiction. net. I find it far too clunky - having to upload to Document Manager, then make sure it's in the right file format (which, for a Mac user, is horrific). So all updates, including some new stories - both fan fiction and original fic - will be posted to my AO3 account. Username: Vaeyana.

Thank you to everyone for your support and feedback since I first posted this story - without it, I would never have thought to complete it!

Vae xx