As my tears poured down, I felt a sharp pang of pity for Leah. Leah Clearwater who had to look at Sam everyday, knowing what they could have had, what had been destroyed by werewolf instincts. Now I knew exactly how she felt. But I still felt some understanding for Jacob. My mind spat his name as if it were a disgusting, repulsive thing. After all I had given up for him, he had just thrown me away like an old wrapper. How could he do that? It isn't his fault he imprinted, the sensible part of my mind told me. SHUT UP! I wanted to yell at it. As if I wasn't in enough pain without my mind reminding me how ridiculous I was being.
I remembered exactly what I had given up for him, for everyone. Edward. Edward the vampire with liquid topaz eyes, who had loved me so much. I loved him too. I wondered how that would have played out, and my mind immediately conjured a long forgotten image. An image of me, strong, beautiful, and desperately pale. I shook my head. That wasn't happening anymore. I let my mind wander, allowing myself to consider the things I hadn't considered in a very long time. Like how much I had cried when I had decided to stay human, to stay with my family and friends. I had cried for days, and afterwards cried myself to sleep every night for months. There had been no cool hand to sooth me.
It had been so sad to say good-bye to Alice and Esme, Carlisle and Emmett. Rosalie had been overjoyed to learn I would stay human, but the fact that it would not be with her brother had dampened her spirits. Even Jasper had been sad to see me go, when we had never been very close. The worst was Edward though. He had gone through it all with a brave face, but for the briefest moment when I had glanced at him I had seen the unmasked hurt in his eyes, and I had almost decided to stay. But then I had reminded myself why I was doing this. Not for me, but for my family. I had no right to simply cut them out of my life like that. But at night the look haunted me, as it did now. It all seemed like such a waste now. I had never regretted my decision, but now I suddenly wished I had chosen the other path.
I suddenly couldn't get the image of what had caused me to hide out of my brain. We were in Emily's living room, eating and talking like we did most days. I'd decided to go to college with Angela instead. Emily's cousin had been coming to visit. I barely spared her a glance when she walked in, immersed as I was in my conversation with Jacob. Suddenly, Jacob stopped talking, and I noticed he was staring at Emily's cousin. Sam was the first to realize what had happened, and he took immediate action. He waved Emily over but Leah was already at my side offering to drive me home. Had what I just thought happened really happened? I was confused, but I let them drive me home. On the way they explained to me, Emily and Leah, and told me it would be better for me if I didn't go back to see Jacob. I went from shocked to angry to sad and no I was back at angry. I wished I hadn't chosen to make everybody else happy, and keep myself only marginally happy compared to how I could be.
Would Charlie and Renee really have been so angry if they had known that I had chosen to become a vampire? I wondered. Not that I would have told them, but I'd imagined how they would react if I had. Sigh. Charlie would be coming home soon. I'd have to leave my place of comfort. Ridiculously, I was curled up in a ball at the bottom of my closet. I knew it was childish, but I couldn't think of a better place to think without interruption.
"Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet?" I closed my eyes. The clearness of the memory was amazing. His voice, so perfect, none of my other memories had done it justice. Perhaps I was having a relapse into an old mental state. I hoped not. That was one part of my life I never wished to revisit. It took me a moment, but I finally realized that the memory had said something different, something more.
Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet… with you? I peeked through my eyelids. " Or would it simply be uncomfortable?" his voice was slightly mocking, but underneath I could feel the hope, the need.
"Edward," I whispered, and there he was in all his glory. So beautiful it hurt my eyes. "Oh, Edward!" I sighed, and leapt into his awaiting arms.