Disclaimer: The author J.K. Rowling came up with the material used to create this fan fiction.
"With This Knife"
Harry Potter lay on the wood floor of his bedroom, too drained emotionally to care. The truth had been a severe blow as soon as the finality of past events had sunk in. When it rains it pours, just like the reality of the world around the raven haired boy, who in no way deserved the anguish that had been ironically handed to him on a silver platter. Harry bitterly thought that some unknown torturer had arranged for his life to be an oxymoron.
Maybe he shouldn't have indulged himself in looking forward to the day when he and Sirius could live together, happily ever after. Sure, it had made him feel better at the time to have something to think on but...the aftertaste was bitter in contrast to the sweetness of the first bite.
The more he thought about it, his life had drastically changed the moment he had decided to believe and trust Sirius in the Shrieking Shack. What good had that got him? Harry, hastily made a mental note to himself to stop himself the next time he took a chance with his heart; his love.
Sure, the few times that Sirius was around, Harry had felt loved and cared for. Having a worried Godfather in his life helped to ease some of his pain. He'd went as far as smiling anytime he thought about Sirius.
Yes, he'd most certainly allowed his life, his world to open wide with allowance for Sirius to make himself comfortable. So far all it had gotten them both way everlasting pain as they fought their way through to the dead end of a bad novel.
Both cherished the time that was spent together, but neither of Harry nor Sirius were ever able to come out and say it. Harry was sure he had cared about Sirius like the father he was never able to have. Of course, he never told Sirius that because Sirius had never said anything to Harry about loving him like a son, therefore Harry felt it wasn't appropriate. He knew his Godfather was still aching from the loss of his best friend; James. That had to be the reason Sirius kept himself partly at bay; to make sure he didn't get to close to Harry in fear of the loss he experience with James.
Never the less, Harry's feelings toward him grew over the two years they knew each other.
It seemed to cause nothing but pain, in the end. This wasn't the end though. Harry knew he would always miss, always love, and always feel guilty when it came to Sirius and his death.
Harry considered all of the solutions to his problem, but none were any good. If only he could use the knife Sirius had given him for Christmas to cut away all the deadness within himself that were still reaching out to his deceased Godfather.
Never had he felt this bad before. He always ached and longed for parents, but it wasn't a personal or a specified twinge. Lily and James were people he had never really knew well enough to cause a deeper hurt.
Had he known what was to become of their lives, would Harry have allowed himself to care for Sirius?The feeling of unresolved emotions was not something Harry liked. He hated hating Sirius for leaving him. The pain, while tremendous, was something Harry was used to. He would gladly go through it all again, if he knew that Sirius had been placed with the people he loved beyond the depths of the veil.
Pulling himself up from the floor, Harry mentally shook himself as he prepared to see Sirius again in his sleep.
And he would cry. Silently he would continue to cry...for Sirius as he continued to attempt to cut himself free.