1
It was a dark and stormy night in Brooklyn, as Mickey the Mick drove his beloved taxi cab towards the taxi cab place where he worked. Rain fell on his windshield like fat people jumping out of the windows of the World Trade Center on September 11th. Mickey just wanted to call it a night and get drunk in the privacy of his own home. Getting drunk at work made him uncomfortable, because his fares would always complain about it.
Mickey pulled slowly across the Brooklyn Bridge before he came to a complete stop. Gridlock was nose to nose, which was odd, because it was like midnight or so. Usually the only people with anyplace to go in Brooklyn at this hour were either hobos or members of the Irish Mob. And if there was an Irish Mob meeting tonight, Mickey thought to himself, why wasn't I invited?
Something caught Mickey's eye just then. The topless hula girl duct taped to his dash began gyrating. Mickey could feel vibrations in the steering wheel of his cab. Something was coming. Looking to the right, he could see the water of the East River rise up. It looked like a whale about to breach. Mickey cringed in his seat, as suddenly, an enormous dude suddenly burst forth from the water with a suddenness that could only be described as quite sudden.
But as suddenly as the dude had suddenly appeared, he suddenly disappeared, transforming into a whirl of clear water. Another strange happenstance, because he'd just come out of the East River, which is full of used condoms and dead Irish Mobsters. Mickey knew then that the Olympians had to be summoned. And how did he know this? Hell if I could tell you, but literally everyone except the main character in this friggin' book seems to know what's up.
A whirl of clear water rose up from the gravel that covered the ceiling of the Empire State Building. It was the giant dude from earlier, but he was much smaller, and bore a distinct resemblance to Leonidas from 300. He was Poseidon, and he was... A GOD!!
Poseidon strolled forth slowly, wearing a hoodie with a blazer over it. He spotted away in the corner, staring out at the Statue of Liberty, a muscular, bearded man, who was also wearing a hoodie underneath a blazer.
"Zeus," Poseidon muttered, brushing against his brother's shoulder. "You summoned me."
"Yes. And might I compliment you on your choice of attire." Zeus turned to face his brother. "You look good in a hoodie."
"As do you, Zeus." Poseidon returned the compliment. "Let's get down to business."
"Your son totally broke into my crib and jacked my lightning bolt. I'm understandably pissed." Zeus cocked an eyebrow as he spoke, and folded his arms.
"No way." Poseidon said. "He's not like the other characters in this story. He doesn't know he has powers yet. That won't be for another three pages at least."
"Sorry, dude. I want my bolt back. And if I have to murder my own brother to get it, then so be it." Zeus sauntered away from his brother and opened a shining golden doorway that no one had noticed before. Beneath the knob of the door, someone had written in sharpie, "THIS WAY TO MEANINGLESS PLOT DEVICE".
"You have until the next full moon to return the bolt to me, or I'll go totally apeshit and kill you." Zeus finished as he opened the door. Poseidon rushed forth, asking his brother to fill in some of the gaping plot holes, such as why Zeus couldn't just make another lightning bolt, why Zeus didn't have someone guarding it, and why everyone was wearing hoodies. But Zeus was a dick, and didn't care. Defeated, Poseidon fell to his knees, and knew that the fate of the world was in the hands of an oblivious tool named Percy Jackson....
2
Percy shoved his hands into the pockets of his blazer/hoodie combo as he walked along the halls of the Natural History Museum beside his crippled black friend, Darkie. Of course, no one really called Darkie by name, because he was the only black guy in New York City. They just sort of said, "hey buddy", or "boy". Some said Darkie had a name like Grover once, but that's stupid. Grover is a dog's name.
Percy and Darkie walked at the very back of the school tour group as they entered the Greek History wing. The wheelchair-bound school principal, Professor Xavier, sat before the kids, his arms whipping to and fro, like those of a Wacky Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Man, as he described various Greek legends and myths. Percy and Darkie didn't really care about this, for Percy had Dyslexia and ADHD, and Darkie was such a minor character that no one cared about what he thought.
"Percy Jackson!" Professor Xavier's booming voice commanded. Percy's attention immediately shot ahead, to where the crippled guy sat, his face red and contorted. Percy knew that the Professor was either really mad or needed someone to change his Depends. Either way, it was bad news for Percy.
"Yes sir?" Percy answered the principal.
"Why don't you tell the rest of the class what the ancient Greeks called the offspring of Gods and Mortals?" Professor Xavier asked. Percy wiped the sweat from his brow, relieved at the fact that he did not have to clean the Professor's taint with a Windex wipe. However, the question was rather difficult, because Percy had learning disorders and stuff.
"Look sir," Percy tried to explain. "I have Dyslexia and ADHD. I can barely read. How the hell am I supposed to what the Greeks called half-God and half-Human people?"
"Because you are one, Percy!" The Professor screamed.
"I'm sorry? Percy asked. "I didn't quite catch that."
"You're the son of Poseidon! You are a half-God!" The Professor went on until his nurse came and pushed him towards the Men's room to give him his medication and shut him up for an hour or so.
"What was the Professor shouting about?" Percy asked Darkie.
"Oh, I don't know." Darkie shrugged. "Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't anything life-changing or crucial to the plot."
Behind Percy and Darkie, the evil and wicked Mrs. Moody slithered. She placed one claw-like hand on Percy's shoulder, her touch so cold and disgusting that Percy could not help but throw up in his mouth. Not wanting to offend, he swallowed it.
"I need to speak with you about yesterday's test." Mrs. Moody whispered close to Percy, her dry and cat-like tongue wrapping around his ear in an explicit and very sexual way. Percy could feel himself convulse as Mrs. Moody dragged him by the wrist over to the Nazi-Symbolism in Disney Films wing, where absolutely no one ever paid any attention to anything. The perfect place for Mrs. Moody to hide a few serious plot holes.
"I'm sorry if I failed yesterday's test," Percy whined as he was yanked along by the grossly skeletal Mrs. Moody. "I really should have alerted you to the fact that I have learning disabilities, and as such, tend to use that as an excuse whenever something goes wrong in my life."
"Where is the lightning bolt?" Mrs. Moody asked when she finally stopped underneath a statue of Mickey Mouse in an SS uniform.
"What are you talking about?" Percy asked, as Mrs. Moody turned away from him. Her hunched and gnarled back began to twist further, as hideous bat wings shot out of her skin. She howled like a wicked banshee, as these wings threw her into the air, where she revealed herself to be even more disgusting looking when not in human disguise.
"Give me the lightning bolt!!" Mrs. Moody screeched, flying at Percy, her red-painted and manicured claws lashing.
"Please put your makeup back on!" Percy begged as the evil Mrs. Moody snatched him up. She opened her mouth wide, revealing rows upon rows of yellowing teeth, sharpened to a fine point by years of consuming raw human flesh. Inside her blackened maw a sickening red tongue salivated and writhed. Luckily for Percy, an obvious occurrence of Deus Ex Machina would soon arrive.
Behind Percy and Mrs. Moody, the door to the Nazi-Symbolism in Disney Films section was knocked down by some unseen force, as Professor X and Darkie entered the room, prepared to kick ass and chew bubble gum... but they were both out of gum.
"Great, they send the crippled guys to save me? What kind of story is this?" Percy bitched loudly as Mrs. Moody drew him closer to her gnashing jaws.
"Leave here now, Xavier! I'll never let him go!" Mrs. Moody shouted.
"Let him go!" The Professor shouted.
"Curses! Foiled again!" Mrs. Moody screamed as she dropped Percy to the floor and flew out through a conveniently placed window. The Professor and Darkie rushed over to help Percy get to his feet, as the visibly shaken young man caught his breath.
"Percy! You okay?" Darkie asked.
"Someone should go kill that thing." Percy wheezed.
"Not now, Percy. You may be injured. We need to get you away from New York until we can figure out what is going on." The Professor said as Darkie lifted Percy up.
"No, really, someone needs to go kill that monster."
"That monster was a Fury! Part of Greek mythology. Like Demi-Gods. See a pattern here?" Darkie gently nudged his friend in an attempt to bring Percy to his senses.
"Is no one concerned that a flying, man-eating monster is on the loose in New York City?" Percy asked, exasperated.
"Nevermind, Percy, we won't be back here until the very end of the book. Right now, we need to advance the story, and get you out of here." Professor Xavier then led the way, wheeling himself as quickly as he could, until Percy realized this would take forever and started pushing him. Once they got to Darkie's Mom's special van, they were on their way to a special summer camp for magically talented youngsters; they called it Hogwarts.
3
"Percyyou'." Percy's Mother bellyached as she drove the special van with her son and Darkie towards the hidden location of Hogwarts. She had to speak quickly, because the story was only about thirty pages, so she had a lot of ground to cover. "Sorry."
"I'm still in a state of utter shock!" Percy exclaimed, sweat beading at his brow.
"Random black guy thing!" Darkie shouted, pointing out the windshield at the enormous fucking Minotaur that just burst onto the scene. It looked a lot like Heffer from Rocko's Modern Life, but much more muscular, and much more sinister. It whipped it's head back and roared a mighty call out into the night.
"IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZER!!!!"
Of course, Minotaurs can't fire lazers. This was a very special Minotaur, or a Minotard. He didn't mean them any harm. He had just wandered away from his 'special lady' that kept an eye on him while the rest of the Minotaurs were busy learning things.
"!" Percy's Mother cried as she rolled the car over in a ditch trying to avoid the dreaded Minotard's grasp. Percy and Darkie instinctively knew what to do, because this happened every time they went grocery shopping.
"GIRUGAMESH!!"
Darkie ripped his pants off revealing weird goat legs and the concordantly large penis that went along with having a goaty lower half. Using these goaty legs and enormous penis, Darkie kicked out the passenger side window and rolled out, pulling Percy with him.
"You're half-goat?" Percy mused aloud, his face aghast with obliviousness.
"Not even going to dignify that with a response." Darkie wheezed as he tried to catch his breath. But this respite was short lived, as the Minotard soon ran up to the overturned special van, with Percy's Mother still trapped within.
"SAAAAAAAUUUUUUCCCCCEEEEE!!!!"
The Minotard reached into the overturned car, which I'm sure he thought was like a lunchbox or something, and yanked out Percy's Mom like an abortionist yanks out a fetus after Prom Night. Percy's Mom screamed out for help, but it was no use. The Minotard had retard strength, and she was but a mere mortal. Like a two week old tampon, Percy's Mom was crushed in the hands of a big fat cow. As she died, she turned into a weird puff of orange smoke, just like what happens in real life.
"Mother! I will avenge you!" Percy screamed to the heavens above.
"Use this!" Darkie said, handing a shiny golden fountain pen to his outraged friend.
"Does it turn into a sword?" Percy asked.
"No, but it's shiny and will distract the Minotard." Darkie said.
Taking his black friend's advice, Percy rushed headlong at the very special beast, waving the pen back and forth like an idiot.
"Look at this! It's shiny!" Percy shouted as he danced around the Minotard. The Minotard smiled briefly, before swatting Percy away into a tree. Turns out the pen was too shiny, and hurt the Minotard's slightly off-center eyes. Just before Percy lost consciousness from the skull fracture and internal bleeding, Darkie ran up to him, and grabbed his shoulders.
"Shorty, you just got knocked the fuck out!"
4
Percy awoke to find himself in a brightly lit tent. The sun warmed his face like fresh urine, and all around him beautiful twelve-year-olds tended to the many, many wounded. No idea how that happened. Like, did the Minotaur guy follow them into the camp or whatever? Oops, I'm giving away the story.
"Yo." Darkie whispered as he sat down next to Percy, one black hand stroking Percy's chin. "Smell my finger."
"Guy, I just had the weirdest dream ever." Percy muttered, groggily revealing his Canadian ancestry. "I dreamt that a big retarded Minotaur killed my Mom, and that you had goaty legs and a big hairy wang, and we got into a car accident..." Percy went on, shaking his head slowly, as Darkie sat down beside him. Percy needed a friend. Not only was his head killing him, but he felt naked without his hoodie/blazer combo.
"Slow down, slow down..." Darkie said quietly. "All of that is true, but you're going too fast for someone with a concussion."
"Wait, what is going on?" Percy asked his most trusted friend. Kinda weird considering he doesn't even know the guy's real name.
"I am your Protractor, here to help you on your quest to become a recognizable Fantasy hero, and not be shuffled off to the side like the Series of Unfortunate Events kids." Darkie went on, helping Percy to his feet. Percy began to believe what Darkie said about being gifted. I mean, he was able to walk immediately after being unconscious for three days with zero signs of atrophy, so he had to be something cool, like an Indigo Child without the body odor.
"This is Hogwarts, where other Demi-Gods like yourself learn to harness their abilities and make friendship bracelets." Darkie said as he walked Percy onwards towards the archery fields. Kinda weird that the archery fields are right next to the infirmary, isn't it? Well I didn't write it.
"Who built this place?" Percy asked Darkie as he was led to a white sand beach with waters as clear as the East River. A solitary Centaur stood there, all contemplative and whatnot. Percy was amazed. His best friend had a goaty lower half and his Mother was killed by a special needs Minotaur, but this was the thing that blew his mind like a shotgun to the face.
"Welcome to Hogwarts." The Centaur said with a smile. Turning to face the two friends, Percy realized the Centaur was--HOLY FUCK--Professor Xavier.
"That explains the wheelchair! You're a mythological beast of Greek legend!" Percy screamed like a Jonas Brothers fan.
"No, just a freak. My Dad fucked horses." Professor Xavier said. "I assume Darkie has told you of your mission."
"Yes." Percy said sternly. "It is my duty to fill the void left in the hearts and minds of youngsters everywhere after Harry Potter ended. I am the next great Fantasy hero!"
"Not exactly." The Professor sighed. "They still have a few movies to go, and a shit-ton of merchandising. Think of yourself as the next Animorphs or Artemis Fowl."
"Ah, then a quest is at hand!" Percy exclaimed.
"Indeed. I have information that tells me your Mother is being held captive in the Underworld by Hades!" Professor Xavier ejaculated. Heh heh... funny word. "But I must tell you that you are not powerful enough to rescue her on your own. Take the black guy, and uh..." Professor Xavier looked around the camp with one finger extended, bopping along the heads of the children like one of those bouncing balls in one of those old-timey children's singalong videos, until he found a sturdily built young woman with close cropped hair. "Leslie!"
The young girl turned, revealing a face cut from stone and a healthy female's pubestache. She had a top half like a mack truck, and well rounded A-cup tits. She sauntered over to where the Professor and the two young men were talking, scratching her crotch all the while.
"Boys, meet Leslie Bo. She's the daughter of Athena, and was the first student at Hogwarts to receive her big boy hair." Professor Xavier proudly fawned over the muscular and dog-like Leslie.
"Sup." She muttered.
"Sup." Darkie muttered.
"I AM IN LOVE!!" Percy began to weep, dropping to his knees and praying to Kronos that the astoundingly beautiful Leslie Bo didn't have a boyfriend.
"If we're going to the Underworld, we'll need to arm ourselves." Leslie brought up. "Let's talk to Stabby McBackstabberson, the most trustworthy person at camp."
Stabby's cabin was extremely dark, because it was painted black. All along the walls were posters of the two kids from Columbine reading 'WRATH' and 'NATURAL SELECTION', as well as motivational pictures of cats doing pull-ups. The floor was completely covered in boxes of ammunition and hand grenades, and the coat hanger in the corner had a black leather trench coat on it. But there's nothing wrong with that. I like trench coats. Shut up!
"This guy's room looks totally normal." Percy mused aloud, as a tall blonde boy stepped out of the shadows in dark fatigues.
"Hi, guys!" The boy said with excitement. "I can't help but notice you broke into my room. Should I kill you, or will screaming, 'get the hell out' get my point across?"
"Stabby, we need weapons for our journey to the Underworld." Leslie said. "May we borrow an AK-47?"
"Yeah," Darkie added.
"I'm instantly friendly towards you!" Stabby shouted, running to his open closet. "Here's a pair of flying Converse shoes! Pretty pimp, huh?"
"An AK-47 would probably be much better considering we're going to Hell." Leslie muttered.
"Yeah," Darkie nodded in agreement.
"Ah, well I also have this really cool shield that pops out of a Green Day wristband, that's pretty gangsta." Stabby began before Percy grabbed him by the collar and pushed him up against the wall in a blind rage.
"HOW DARE YOU IGNORE MY GIRLFRIEND'S REQUEST?!!" Percy screamed. "I should man-slap you, you sneaky pete!"
"Sorry, but I need the AK-47s for my own trip to the Underworld." Stabby tried to explain. "I'm going on a completely unrelated quest, and certainly not to prevent you from succeeding in yours by planting the stolen Lightning Bolt on you, thus dooming the entire human race."
"Lightning Bolt?" Percy asked with a cocked eyebrow.
"Sorry, gotta go." Stabby said, slipping out of Percy's grip and running out of the cabin. Once outside, he began laughing maniacally, and his villainous cackling echoed into the night as he dashed towards parts unknown.
"What a nice young man." Percy said.
"Yeah," Darkie mentioned.
"Time now for our quest to begin." Leslie said, gathering a bag of heavy assault rifles and ammunition, which she then slung over her tight, rippling, hairy shoulders. "Surely this will be an epic adventure that will make the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy look like a Sunday edition of Garfield."
"I know, I'm so excited!" Percy laughed. "I'm going to fight monsters like Medusa, and a Hydra!"
"I'm going to punch a zebra in the face!" Darkie shouted.
"Anyone who doesn't read Chapter Five is a loser, because so much cool stuff is going to happen." Percy said, as he and his new friends stepped out of the cabin and hailed a taxi.
6
"What a strangely uneventful chapter." Percy said as he and his cohorts approached the entrance to the Underworld. It was a dark cave on the outskirts of Newark, New Jersey. Odd, since Newark is the most insanely hellish nightmare of a town our lord and savior Jesus Christ has ever created. Why would the entrance to the Underworld be there?
"According to the obvious plot, we must cross the river Styx and save Percy's Mom from the clutches of the evil Hades." Darkie said. "Failure to do so will result in massive butthurt."
"That is butthurt which I have no intention of receiving." Percy muttered, loading his 12-guage pump-action shotgun one-handedly. In a word: badass. "Let's go save my Mommy."
"I'm still in the story, too." Leslie said.
The three teenage Gods wandered into the darkened cavern, and immediately realized they'd forgotten flashlights. Stupid. They then spent a good twenty minutes fumbling around like idiots in the dark, until they reached the mouth of the river Styx. It was shaped like Dennis DeYoung's head. There, standing at the river's edge, was Charon, a gangly bearded man in black.
"Hey Guy!" Percy tried to get the man's attention, waving his arms and doing jumping jacks, but to no avail. It seemed this old homeless man had zero interest in watching a young boy exercise.
"Hey, old man." Darkie tried. "Insert black guy words for money here." Darkie unfolded a few singles from his goaty man-purse and handed them to Charon. They dissolved into black dust inside the cup of Charon's wrinkled and callused palms.
"He wants gold, idiots." Leslie sighed.
"Where are we gonna get gold?" Percy asked, before noticing Darkie's golden pimp chain, off which hung an enamel Shrinky-Dink shaped like Africa.
"Cracker be tripping!" Darkie protested. But Percy eventually won the necklace by pointing behind Darkie and shouting, 'look! Beyonce!'.
"Thank God for racism." Percy laughed as he handed Charon the golden pimp chain, while silently hoping the old man would not easily recognize that it was made out of cheap plastic.
"Enter Dennis DeYoung's mouth..." Charon whispered, accepting the offering with a wave of his hand. Darkie and Leslie sat in Charon's canoe and began paddling, but Percy took one last look back at the old man.
"Thank you, wise one."
"Hey, this shit's Korean!" Charon shouted.
"Paddle!" Percy screamed like a Monica as he jumped head first into the tiny boat.
Meanwhile, deep within the bowels of Hell, Hades danced around his bedroom in a puffy black shirt and tight leather leggings covered in sequins. His long, flowing silver locks twirled around him like a beautifully gay tornado. He looked like a cross between Jack Sparrow, David Bowie, and Pegasus from Yu-Gi-Oh.
Baddest. Villain. EVER.
"Where oh where is my black wife?" Hades sang, just as his wife Persephone stepped out of the shadows. She looked a lot like Halle Berry, but she wasn't. She was the lady from Clerks 2. All that aside, she held a loaded pistol before her, one finger at the trigger, ready to straight up murder Hades.
"Right here, douche." Persephone leveled the gun at Hades' head, and stepped forward slowly, never taking her eyes off of the man who had dragged her to the Underworld from the surface. She wanted revenge, and though it had taken her two thousand years to get a gun, tonight would be the night she killed Hades and escaped this, a most twisted fate.
"My sweet," Hades smiled. "You're making a big mistake. I called you to the bedroom because I have such good news. It seems my secret and totally not obvious spy has sent Percy Jackson here with the Lightning Bolt hidden amongst his effects, thus giving me the power of Zeus, with which I will rule all of Creation eternally."
Persephone said nothing, keeping the gun aimed at Hades' head as the Lord of the Dead went on.
"Once I kill Percy and take the Lightning Bolt, I will ascend to Olympus and hit it like a hurricane in Haiti. Afterwards, I will gain unlimited power... as will you."
Persephone slowly lowered the gun.
"My burning desire for freedom is now tainted by my lust for power." Persephone began to weep. "Truly, this is... ACTING!!!" Persephone fell to her knees and prayed to Buddha that perhaps a gaggle of super-powered school children would arrive and take the pressure of the scene off of her. It did not take long, for Buddha answers prayers at least three times as fast as God.
In a flash, a canoe driven by two teenage boys and a black guy with a goaty lower half rode into the room on the waves of the river Styx. Why Hades built his personal bedroom right next to a river, I'll never know.
"That was only somewhat less exciting than Splash Mountain at Walt Disneyworld's Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida." The goat man laughed.
"Who the Devil are you?" Hades asked the three upstarts as they exited the canoe. Get it? Who the Devil? Nevermind.
"I'm Percy Jackson, and this is my wife, Leslie." Percy said, introducing the large and mannish young woman beside him. "Also, the goat guy is with me, too. We're here to kick your ass and save my Mother."
"And how do you propose to do that?" Hades cackled hideously, only stopping when he realized that all three of the kids were pointing loaded machine guns at his face.
"Crap." Hades groaned.
"Now I'll just activate the shield built into my Green Day wristband to protect my face from any misfires," Percy mentioned as he pushed a little button on the side of said wristband. But instead of a shield, a large, shining white stave crackling with energy and shimmering with electrical power fell to the floor. Surely it was Zeus' Lightning Bolt!
"Yoink!" Hades sneered as he snatched up the Bolt. "With this, I have unlimited power! Prepare to die, kids!"
Hades, with the surety of Zeus himself, pointed the Lightning Bolt at Percy and his friends, allowing their fear to build with the anticipation of the electric shitstorm that was heading their way.
"Well, friends, at least we get to die together." Percy moaned, shielding his eyes from the light of the mighty Bolt.
"Gotta run!" Leslie and Darkie said in unison as they ran towards the canoe, abandoning Percy to whatever sexual torture Hades would deliver unto him.
"Any last requests, young blood?" Hades asked the frightened and whimpering Percy sarcastically.
"Don't kill me?" Percy asked.
"Sorry, fresh out!" Hades then aimed the Lightning Bolt at Percy's face, steadying his arm to ensure the Bolt fired it's energy directly into the young man's brains. He smiled, awaiting the grisly sound of Percy's death cries, and the rancid smell of burning flesh.
Nothing happened.
"Dammit, who left the safety on?" Hades complained before Persephone busted a cap in his ass.
"My ass!" Hades shrieked before dying. "I thought sequins were bulletproof."
"Smoke that, ya bitch!" Persephone cried, running over to where Percy was standing. She grabbed the young boy's face and slammed it into her titties. Then she bounced around and started laughing like a retard. "ZOMG, I'm free from his horrible abusive ways!"
"Great, Mrs. Hades, but could you let my Mom's soul go free?" Percy asked from betwixt Persephone's bouncing sweater cows.
"It is done." Persephone said with a snap of her fingers. In a puff of orange smoke, Percy's Mom was reanimated in the center of the room, and once she was finished screaming and crying about the indescribable horrors and mind-crushing agony she witnessed while burning in the fires of Hell, Percy gave her a great big bear hug.
"Percy, I'm so glad you're alive." Percy's Mom sighed with relief. "So glad in fact that I've decided to tell you that the world is going to end unless you give the Lightning Bolt back to Zeus before Becker comes on tonight."
"Mom, Becker was cancelled in 2004." Percy said.
"Then we better haul ass!" Percy's Mom pushed him towards a backup canoe that was anchored to the river basin in Hades' bedroom.
"Bye, Persephone! I'll always remember your big, sweaty boobies bouncing in my face!" Percy shouted as his Mom paddled the canoe back up the river Styx.
"I used to be a guy!" She called back to him with a wave.
7
Percy, his Mom, Darkie, and Leslie all burst onto the roof of the Empire State Building, which, according to legend, is where the golden door to Olympus was. The door was meant to allow Gods to travel back and forth between Earth and Olympus, which completely galvanizes what happened in the first scene with Poseidon coming out of the water. But no one reads this book series anyway, so what the fuck.
"Percy, you must deliver the Lightning Bolt to Zeus before the stroke of midnight!" Percy's Mom reminded him as he reached out for the door knob.
"Heh heh, stroke. No time to laugh about that now, however." Percy then put his hand on the door knob. Then he began exerting the muscles in his hands necessary to open the door. Then his forearm muscles were added to the mix, and finally, just for kicks, Percy began using his mighty biceps to open the door.
"Would you just open the fucking door?" Leslie asked, as Stabby McBackstebberson flew in on a golden pair of flying Converse.
"Greetings, oh mighty zeroes!" Stabby laughed. "I am so witty, calling you zeroes instead of heroes. Zing!"
"Stabby, what are you doing?" Percy asked, not opening the door for some reason.
"I'm stabbing you in the back, that's what. For you see, I, Stabby McBackstabberson, am actually the main antagonist of the entire story, even though I was only in one part before this."
Needless to say, all three of the main cast below (and Darkie), were shocked to find this out.
"What a twist!" Darkie cried out.
"Now surrender unto me the lightning bolt or else." Stabby threatened, landing a few feet from where Percy and his friends were.
"Or else what?" Percy shot back.
"Or else this!" Stabby shouted, man-slapping Percy. "How's it taste?"
"Just for that, Stabby, I'm going to forego simply walking in through the door and ending the story, and straight up kick your ass with this magic Lightning Bolt." Percy said, aiming the Lightning Bolt at Stabby's face.
"Uh, wait, when I said I was the bad guy, I meant to say I love you." Stabby began to stutter as the Lightning Bolt glowed with awesome power.
"Tell Persephone's boobs I said hi." Percy smiled, preparing to unleash a mighty shock of energy into Stabby's face.
Nothing happened.
"Dammit, who left the safety on?" Percy asked, just before Stabby kicked him in the nads with his golden flying Converse. While Percy lay crying on the ground, Stabby quickly snatched up the Lightning Bolt and flew away.
"Sayonara, homos!" Stabby laughed as he flew.
"Percy," Darkie said, grabbing his friend by the shoulders and lifting him to his feet. "I'm black."
"Wifey, give me my flying shoes." Percy said to Leslie, who was too busy making out with Percy's Mom to respond. Rather than interrupt, Percy laced up his own flying Converse and took chase after Stabby and the Lightning Bolt, for he had only minutes until UPN aired another re-run of Becker.
"Stabby!" Percy shouted, catching up to his totally evil nemesis. "Give me the Lightning Bolt!"
"No, it's mine!" Stabby shouted back.
"I implore you to reconsider!" Percy again shouted. This time, instead of answering like a polite person, Stabby turned to face his do-gooder opponent with the Lightning Bolt facing out ward.
"Please, everyone knows the safety is sti--" Percy tried to say before Stabby blasted his ass into the nighty sky with a powerful blast of electricity.
"With that goody fly-shoes dead, I can take the Lightning Bolt back to Hades and seal mankind's fate." Stabby said to himself. "My life partner will be so pleased."
"Not so fast, dicknose!" Percy cheered as he flew into Stabby's line of sight, holding a large, silver shield aloft with one hand. "Or did you forget the magic shield hidden in my Green Day wristband?"
"Curse you, Hot Topic!" Stabby cried in anguish as Percy uppercut him in the nads.
"What happened to you? Stabby McBackstabberson used to be a name I could trust! Now I see you're just a lying bastard, like Bernie Madoff, or OJ." Percy growled, grabbing Stabby by the hair. "So give me back the Lightning Bolt."
"Fine, take the Lightning Bolt, jerkface." Stabby whined, forking over the precious weapon of mass destruction. "Just know that once I get back to camp, I'm going to tell everyone you're a virgin and you smell like wee wee!"
Percy then threw his opponent over his shoulder, letting him fall to his doom, or so he thought. I guess he forgot that Stabby was wearing flying shoes as well. In any case, Stabby went away again and wouldn't be seen until the next book.
Flying back to the roof of the Empire State building, Percy waved to his friends, signaling them of his arrival.
"Percy! You only have five minutes to get the Lightning Bolt back to Zeus!" Percy heard his Mom call out from the rooftop.
"Hey, everyone!" Percy said, holding the Lightning Bolt between his legs. "Does this make me look like I have a Lightsaber for a wiener?"
"GET IN THE DAMN DOOR, NOW!" Leslie shouted.
"Yes, honey." Percy whispered, flying to the Golden Door. In an instant, he found himself surrounded by towering, muscular giants, all dressed like ancient Greeks, and all wearing the face of Channing Tatum. Percy knew then that this was the Hall of the Gods, and that he had arrived... ON OLYMPUS!!!
"Who goes there, tiny mortal?" One giant cried out, stepping towards Percy with might strides.
"It is I, Percy Jackson, Son of That Guy!" Percy shouted, holding the Lightning Bolt above his head with one hand and pointing to Poseidon with the other. "I've come to return the Lightning Bolt to Zeus."
"Really?" The giant before him asked in bewilderment. "Well it just so happens that I am Zeus! Would you give me my Lightning Bolt now, please?"
"Of course, sir." Percy handed the Lightning Bolt over to the enormous man.
"Fool!" The man shouted in a thunderous voice. The man soon began to change, his face distorting and his hair lengthening and becoming much lighter in color. No longer did he look like Channing Tatum. In fact, he looked more like David Bowie. "It is I, Hades, master of deceit, father of all lies, and uncle of all evil!"
Hades laughed long and loud, lifting the Lightning Bolt into the air above his enormous cranium and firing off random bolts of energy into the blackened sky around him. That is, until the real Zeus came and snatched it away from him.
"Yoink!" Zeus snapped, plucking his mighty Lightning Bolt away from his evil brother. In response, Hades cried for a while in the corner, while Zeus and Percy talked.
"Thank you for returning my Lightning Bolt, youngster." Zeus smiled, shaking Percy's tiny hand. "Is there anything I can do to give your life meaning, or resolve any conflicts in your life?"
Percy looked down, thinking to himself deeply, before he came upon an a question that needed answering.
"May I talk to my father, Poseidon?" He asked.
"Nope!" Zeus laughed, walking away.
THE END...?