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Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own the song 'Vindicated' by Dashboard Confessional. Nor anything from One Tree Hill.
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Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
Lucas struggled to pull his eyes away from his best friend, Haley James, as she lay on the grass on his front lawn. The pair had been playing basketball at the park, but after many complains and whines of Haley that she couldn't stand to lose one more time, they had retreated to the Scott home, lying out in the sun doing nothing really. Lucas pulled at the grass, trying to take his mind away from the thoughts that pounded his head.
Her.
Haley.
When did he realize he wanted her? Probably the first time he had walked in on Haley and Nathan kissing. Or maybe it was the time she had snuck over to his house at two o'clock in the morning crying and weak because her parent's had had a huge fight, and she had crawled into his bed and he had wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him, breathing in the scent of her hair, the curve of her body fitting into his.
Yeah, it was inevitable. He wanted her.
Damn.
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated
"Luke?"
Lucas looked up from playing with the grass and almost had the wind knocked out of him. Haley was laying there, the sun shining down on her dark hair, her innocent hues so full of life; it was hard to not want her so badly. He knew it was wrong. Haley was in love with Nathan, his brother, and she was his best friend. It was just...wrong. He couldn't want her...
"Yeah?"
"Are you mad at me or something? You haven't talked all day. You ignoring me?" Ha. How ironic.
Lucas grinned and shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "Nahh."
Haley smiled and sat up. "Okay."
Mad? How could he be MAD at her? If she even KNEW the half of it...and he hated it. He hated wanting to kiss her all the time, wanting to hold her, wanting to explore her body, wanting to...to...
Stop it, he demanded himself. This is wrong, very, very wrong. But it's so damn inevitable. He couldn't help it.
Falling for your best friend sucked.
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
They had kissed before. Lucas remembered. It had been when they were both fifteen, and Haley's parents had been fighting again. It was snowing like mad that day, and school had been cancelled. Haley had run over to his house and Lucas knew something was wrong. She was smiling her fake smile and acting really happy and it just wasn't right. Lucas wanted to ask her what was wrong, but figured she'd bring it up on her own.
"Let's make a snowman!" Haley had said, and Lucas couldn't help but smile.
"Sure Hales."
That was the best fricking snowman he'd ever made. Gunther. Man, that snowman was the shit. Lucas remembered how excited Haley had been when they had finished it, complete with a pipe and scarf and everything. Haley stood there, looking at it, with her hand at her chin, looking all thoughtful. Lucas loved when she looked like that.
"He needs something else," she said. "I know."
Haley took her hat off—the only hat she ever wore, her favorite hat ever—and put it on Gunther's head. She was so excited...as Lucas thought about it, that may have been when he fell in love with her...
But Lucas had wanted to know what was bothering her so he asked.
Haley looked at him sadly when he asked, her guard had fallen, barriers broken, and sighed.
"I hate my parents," she had said. "Can't they ever just grow up? They fight and fight and...fight! It gives me a headache."
Lucas nodded. "I know...it'll be okay Hales."
Haley shook her head. "I wish they would just get a divorce! It's not okay Lucas. It's starting to like...fucking affect me or something! What if it shapes my relationships? You know? These kinds of things do that—I've heard about it!"
Lucas didn't really know what to say. He'd never really had that problem before...but looking at Haley, falling apart, he wished he could do something. It wasn't fair that she was always there for him, yet he couldn't be there for her. It wasn't fair.
"Lucas...I'm scared."
Lucas stepped closer to Haley, looking down at her. He took hold of her shoulders.
"Don't be Haley, don't be scared. I'm here, you can come here anytime."
Haley nodded, looking up at Lucas. Maybe looking a little too long. She blushed, and Lucas kind of bit his lip a bit. He didn't know why he did it. He didn't know why she let him. But without thinking, he had leaned down and captured her lips, savoring her sweet taste, never wanting to pull away. His stomach had been infested with butterflies, it was one of the best and strangest feelings he'd ever had.
Finally, after needed oxygen, they parted, and Haley looked up at him confused. Lucas could only look back confused, and finally Haley cleared her throat.
"Um...I think I should...er...see you in school tomorrow...bye!"
She grabbed her hat off Gunther and ran off his lawn. Lucas watched after her, confused and kind of sad. He'd never thought about kissing Haley, but after that...he'd always want to do it.
"You're doing it again."
Haley's voice broke Lucas' reminiscing ceremony and he looked up at Haley, frowning.
"Doing WHAT?"
"You're just like spacing out, not talking." Haley sighed, putting her head into her hands and looking exhausted.
"I'm just thinking," Lucas said, leaning into her. "Come on Hales, don't be annoyed with me."
She looked up at him and grinned. "Ahhh I'm not, just a little bored."
He laughed and shrugged. "I can't help my boring-ness."
"I know, you are just naturally boring." Haley smiled and Lucas' heart literally skipped.
Fuck, that needed to stop.
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
"That one looks like an ice-cream cone."
"That one? Naw, that looks like the cake you baked me for my birthday last year...shudder..."
Haley swatted Lucas' arm and he yelped in pain.
"Shut up, that took me forever you know! I can't believe you just compared it to a cloud!" Lucas laughed and stared up into the sky as the two of them laid on his grass still, heads together, lying in two different directions. The sun was not as bright now, but the sky as blue as ever.
Having Haley lie next to him only made him want her more. Why couldn't he have her? Really, what was so wrong about it all? Sure, she was taken, sure, he was her best friend, but all trivial matters set aside, what was so bad about it?
He needed to tell her. He didn't care if she was taken. He loved her. He would take so good care of her, treat her like an angel, the angel she is, and couldn't she see that? He loved her before everything, when she had braces and wore her hair in two braids everyday when they were twelve, he loved her when she was sick for two weeks straight last year with a fever and he came over almost every day to bring her soup, freaking soup. He loved her the first time she got drunk and puked for twenty minutes and he held her hair back as gross as that is, he loved her when she was a mess from her parent's fighting, he loved her the first time she told him she kissed a boy, he loved her all the time, every day, every minute, unconditionally, always, forever. That's the way it was. Lucas loved Haley, and always would.
So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
"Haley, I need to talk to you."
Haley looked up from flipping through a magazine on his bed and quirked an eyebrow.
"Yes?"
"I...okay please don't freak out," Lucas began nervously. Exactly why was he doing this? What was the point of this? Yes, he was in love with her, but she was taken! It was very wrong. He needed to stop himself.
"What is it Luke?" she pressed.
"I...um...I...lo..."
He looked at her, and everything just seemed to come together. He loved her so much, the way her hair fell on her shoulders, the way she spoke so fast afraid nobody would listen, he loved the way she cried, the way she laughed, the way she smiled, the way she felt against him, the way she laid on his bed, the way she always fucking cared, Lucas loved the way she hugged him, the way she never finished painting her nails because she always got bored so her pinkie and thumbs never were painted, the way her socks never matched, the way she freaked out when a latte wasn't mixed right at the café, the way she slept, the way she tasted when they were fifteen, everything, God he loved her. It was that strong love, that amazing, intangible, can't describe love, that dangerous and frightening love, that exciting love, that kind of love when your heart stops and you know the only person you ever want to kiss, ever want to hold is that person, and you know you want to be with that person until the day you die.
But it was also that love you can never have. The kind of love that is out of reach. The kind of love...that just doesn't exist.
"Lucas! What did you have to talk to me about?"
Lucas looked up at Haley and his heart couldn't help but break.
"Nothing...nothing at all."
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away