What Else Rhymes With Duck?

(to be read aloud with posh British accent)

There once was a lassie named Lara

Of criminals she was the terror

She didn't like puns

And she had two big guns

That just reinforced the bearer

She wasn't a pretty young maid

She was born in a video arcade

Got all the dirt

And stretched-out t-shirts

For her bras had to be specially made

Once, without her real permission

MI6 gave her a proposition

That she could fight crime

And transcend time

Which put her in an interesting position

One man said, "We'll give you

"Our best men, say, one or two."

Croft cried, "What, those punks?

"Don't give me that junk."

"But, Lara, you'll need someone with you—"

"I didn't say I don't need help," she said flatly,

Her lips pulsed and twitched very fatly

"I'm not a princess,

"I need a love interest."

"Not Sheridan," said the man immediately.

"He's very good at betraying,

"And he's very bad at obeying,

"And more often than not,

"He talks like a Scot,

"So I can't understand what he's saying."

"Please know," Croft said, "I'm not lying'.

"I think Terry is, though he's tryin',

"A delightful confection.

"My only objection,

"Is that he's much hotter than I am."

So quite quickly she went to get Terry

Who looked at her with countenance wary

He said, "What do you take

"Me for, some kind of snake?

"I only operate in February."

"Terry," said Lara, quite serious,

"I believe you may be delirious.

"Have you looked at this room?

"It's a prison, a tomb,

"And you tell me you're not at all fearious?"

"Wait," said Sheridan, "that's not a word."

"Oh yeah?" Lara shot back, "haven't you heard?

"Its not the words that count

"its just the amount

"Of reviews that come in, you great turd."

"Is there a plot to this startling adventure?

"Or is it your normal kind of venture,

"Where there's no reason

"For anything, except treason,

"Which I'm good at—" Sheridan ventured.

"We look for the Cradle of Life," said she.

"Around Africa, it's got to be,

"Or at least somewhere

"We can get by air,

"So we can get out of the country."

"I hope," said the director, "that this means

"You're ready to move on now, team

"It can't be ignored,

"The audience is bored,

"And so it's now time for a love scene."

Once that all-important detail

Was taken care of, Croft picked up the trail

Of the Box of Pandora

Don't ask me what for-a

It makes almost as much sense as Dan Quayle.

Once they got to the confounded Cradle

Lara found that Terry was able

To not only steal

But also cavil

She should have already known he was capable

"Terry, you jerk," Lara said,

"I'm going to kill you dead."

But she found him in rhyme

So cute at the time

She decided to kiss him instead

You may not choose to believe me

But at the end of the kiss, which did move me

She found she had shot

The famous Hot Scot

And that was the end of the movie