This takes place sometime before trial by magic, before it obviously. I trial by magic there was a reference to Cole leaving to find himself, so this is my version of his search, before and after. Hope you like it!!
Phoebe walked into her room exhausted, she unclothed and slipped into her pajamas. She let herself sink into her bed and hugged Cole's pillow, it was the closest thing she had to him right now. He had left a week ago and still hadn't been back, she let herself drown in his scent. She smiled, her thoughts wandering to when she had suggested he go find himself, regretting every second of it…
~ A week ago ~
Phoebe lay in Cole's arm, snuggling closely to him after a much anticipated "engagement night" , he hadn't used cuffs like Paige had suggested but he sure had been amazing. "You asleep?" Phoebe asked, "no, I'm up" Cole said, "hmm, sounds familiar, oh yeah, you said that like 20 minutes ago" Phoebe said, she felt Cole's chest chuckle, "so, how does it feel to be engaged?" Cole asked, Phoebe pondered it before answering, "um, well, good, although pretty much the same" Phoebe said, Cole laughed, "why are you laughing?" Phoebe asked, "well, I.. you know, for you, a mortal it feels the same, but for me, a demon it feels very, very strange" Cole stated, Phoebe lifted her head from his chest and looked at him, "you aren't a demon anymore Cole" she said, "I know, it's just, I've been a demon for so long and the fact that I'm living as a human, is just.." Phoebe didn't let him finish "hard, inconceivable, I get it" Phoebe said, her tone was almost cold, Cole looked at her, puzzled by her outburst, "did I miss something?" Cole asked her, he watched as she got up and collected her clothes from the floor and put it back on, he remained helpless laying in bed, just watching her, "no, no, nothing, you just… why do keep dwelling?" Phoebe asked as she placed on her shirt, "dwelling? on what?" Cole asked, as he too got up and put on his boxers, he could feel a fight coming on. "oh, um, I don't know?! Hi I'm Cole, I was a demon and now I'm not, boo hoo, I'm lost and confused" Phoebe said mocking Cole. He stared at her not understanding or believing how cold she was being, how mean, His Phoebe was never like this. "what is wrong with you? Why are you being like this?" Cole asked. Phoebe looked at him and noticed the hurt in his eyes, in his soul, she quickly regained herself and calmed down, letting her rage and frustration diminish, "I'm sorry, I just, I didn't mean to explode like that" she said quietly, coming towards him, "I just, I'm tired that all our conversations end in you lamenting that you're not a demon anymore, and that you can't protect me and that you don't know who you are without your demon half, I…" her words trailed off, she felt as a huge weight had been lifted from her, but as soon as she saw Cole's hurt face, she felt terrible again, "I'm sorry if I'm an emotional burden, I'm sorry I can't get over half of me getting ripped out of me as fast as you, I'm sorry you're better than me" he said hurt, his voice raising with every word, "I'm not better Cole, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say those things" Phoebe pleaded, "no, I know what you meant, all right, I know.." he didn't finish his sentence, he was to enraged with her, for being insensitive, for not understanding, for doing this to him, for putting him in this defenseless position. "Cole?" she eloquently and pleadingly called his name, he turned and looked at her, "I'm gonna take a walk" he said turning on his heel, Phoebe ran and hugged his back, she rested her head on it, she could actually feel his quickened pulse, her hands grabbed at his chest urging him not to go, like a child "don't go, please" she asked, Cole's hands grabbed Phoebe's, "it's ok, I'll be back" he said, she hugged him tighter, "don't leave like this" Phoebe begged, "I'm not mad, I just need a walk, to think" he said, his hands entwining and caressing her own, he turned around and grabbed her shoulders "I'm sorry" she said, her eyes swelling with tears, it broke his heart to see her like this, she looked like a scared toddler, but he had to do this, he couldn't stand to be in the same room with her at this particular moment. "I know" he said, he kissed her forehead and Phoebe felt his anger, his lips were tense and unwilling, he was pulling away from her, again. He turned around and began walking out the door, "no, Cole, please, don't go" Phoebe screamed, she wanted to run after him, but she couldn't move, she was frozen in place. She wanted to move, to run after him, but her body wouldn't respond, she cursed herself for not stopping him and when she heard the door shut she fell to the floor in a fit of rage and sadness. Now her body would move. Dammit, nice timing.
After a much hurtful minutes of crying, her tears and her breath spent, she crawled into her bed and put the covers over her head, burying her head in the pillows, trying not to think, to sleep, but her eyes wouldn't close, her body wasn't ready to sleep. She kicked off the sheets and cursed herself once again. Damn Timing. She walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, she felt lost and naive, she didn't even want to go to the kitchen, she wanted to lay down, but her body was making the calls not her emotions or her soul. She grabbed a box of ice cream and a spoon. Like the good old days when Cole left her to find himself, to repress his demon self. She lost sense of time, of place, it was her and her ice cream, oh and Cole gone.
When the spoon hit the hard bottom of the carton she looked down and saw only very little was left. She put the top back on and put it in the fridge. Somebody ate all the ice cream. Dammit Paige. She walked to the living room and sat on the couch, she aimlessly reached for the remote and aimlessly switched the channels. Nothing on. Where were the good porn movies when you needed them? She flipped aimlessly through the channels and settled on Nick at Nite. Soon enough she fell asleep to the voice of Lucille Ball.
Cole had wandered around for some time, just thinking, analyzing his position, his life. He walked into the manor and took off his coat. He could hear the utter annoying sound of Lucille Ball's voice. A smile crept on his face. Phoebe loved I love Lucy, she made him watch it every time they could, she would laugh so hard. He never found the show amusing, it was full of unreal experiences, but he enjoyed watching Phoebe watch it, and he usually cracked a smile just by watching her. He made his way to the living room and smiled at the sight of her. The light from the window fell on her face making her look ever so lovely, a strand of hair fell across her eyes, her hand curled around the remote control, her legs all bunched up next to her. She looked so beautiful, if he ever felt rage or mad at her, this picture made it all go away, it was impossible to be mad at this angel, his angel, his Phoebe. He walked toward her and kissed her forehead, brushing a strand of her away. Her eyes fluttered open and she sat up immediately "Cole" she said, he looked at her and smiled, "I'm here" he said, Phoebe wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him, he lifted her from the couch and she wrapped her legs around him. "I was so worried" she said kissing him, he laughed "yeah, I can see" he said pointing at the television, "don't laugh, I wasn't really watching, it was just on" she said, he kissed her mouth, it was heaven. He hugged her closer to him, trying not to let her fall. "we need to talk" she said separating herself from him, she set her feet on the floor and tugged him down on the couch. "I'm sorry" she began, Cole was about to say something but she held her hand up to stop him from talking, "I shouldn't have said what I said, I was being insensitive and a bitch. It's just hard for me, I mean, I sometimes feel you're pulling away, I feel you're unhappy and I don't like it" she said, he looked at her and smiled. "I'm not unhappy, I could never be unhappy with you, what would make you think that?" Cole asked concerned, "I just, sometimes I feel that you don't want to be with me, like if you feel that I only loved you when you were a demon and now that you're not, I mean, I love you any way, demon, no demon, big, bad, I don't care" she said, Cole smiled at her, he leaned back on the couch "I was walking around, and all I could think about was you. I.. I was never in a relationship, and I was really selfish, but you showed me another view of the world and as I was walking around I realized that I love you so much, and that granted I some times feel excluded from your world, I mean, the supernatural world, and it occurred to me you were right, I have to get over it, I have to not dwell" he said, he drew in a big breath and smiled, "But I want you to understand, that this isn't easy for me, that this isn't a piece of cake, it's not like, ok, I accept you human half, it's not like that, it takes time and adjustment and getting to know myself" he said, Phoebe nodded and understood what it was he was talking about, "I get it" she said, he knew she knew he had to go, for a while, not very long, just enough time to try and be by himself as human, as he had been by himself many years as a demon. "I just… where are you gonna go?" she asked, "I don't know" he said, "when are you leaving?" she asked, "tomorrow" he said, he smiled and pulled her into his lap, "I love you" he said, she smiled at him and kissed him, "I love you too" she said.
The next morning, Phoebe woke up and Cole had already left, she was still naked from last night, but it wasn't enough, he had left her without saying goodbye.
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A week had passed and still Phoebe knew nothing about him, she hated not being able to find him, to see him, to kiss him. She hugged the pillow harder as the tears poured down her cheeks, she buried her head in the pillow and it was soon soaked with tears as it muffled obvious pain. Soon enough, Phoebe fell asleep, all though a very troubled sleep, exactly like the nights that had passed after Cole left.
Cole came in the house, it was very late and he knew that everybody was asleep. He took a breath and allowed himself to drown in the scent of the Halliwell home, it smelled like candles and incense, like sweets and chocolate, it smelled like heaven, and he knew if he would ever get a taste of heaven, this was it, this was home to him. He was home. Well, not quite yet he said to himself, he knew where home was, home was where the heart was, and his heart was upstairs, in a little bedroom, where a beautiful woman waited for him, maybe asleep, but that was where his heart was, in her hand. He made his way to their room quietly trying not to wake any of the inhabitants. He turned the knob on the door and walked in. Just as he had guessed, Phoebe was asleep, her body sprawled all over the bed, her head on her pillow and her arms around his pillow. He smiled, ah, she was beautiful, she was perfect. He came closer to the bed and sat down, she didn't stir, it was in Phoebe's nature to sleep like a baby, she wouldn't feel anything. He rested his head on her body, he inhaled the sweet familiar indescribable aroma of her skin, that vanilla gap dream smell. He kissed her lightly and she stirred a bit but her rest remained undisturbed. His face made it's way to her ear and he kissed it, and whispered three small little words that were sure to cause some kind of reaction. "Sweetie, I'm home" he said lightly, she moved slightly and turned to look at him, her eyes wide open, "Cole!" she squealed, she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tightly, he laughed and hugged her too, it was so good to be back. "hi baby" he whispered in her ear, "I missed you so much" she said, kissing his face desperately, "oh, I missed you too" he said, his hands roaming on her back. After Phoebe was done kissing him, she separated herself from him. "how'd your search go?" she asked smiling, the light returning to her face again, "ok, I guess, I'm just glad to be home" he said kissing her forehead, she closed her eyes and savored his lips on her skin, she pulled him down on the bed and he rested his head on her chest. "where'd you go?" she asked curiously, "around, nowhere special" he said, "come on, tell me, something interesting must of happened, what did you find?" she asked again, she was interested in what he had done, where he had been, just like any woman in love would ponder about their lover. Cole lifted his head up from her chest and looked at her, "nothing happened" he said, Phoebe looked at him incredulously, "why don't you want to tell me?" she asked, He looked at her and sat straight up, "tell you what?" he asked, trying to hide his annoyance. "what do you mean tell me what? What happened?" she asked, Cole shook his head and rubbed his temples in frustration, "what do you want from me Phoebe? What do want me to tell?" he said, trying to keep his tone of voice leveled without much success. "what happened? Where did you go?" she asked, Cole tried not to look at her and she cupped his face in her hands. "you can tell me" she said sweetly, it was pointless to start a fight over something so insignificant, the good thing was that he was back right? Than why did Phoebe feel so annoyed at his insincerity? Or the much important question, why didn't he want to tell her? What was he trying to hide? He maneuvered his face out of her hands and looked away, "I told you, there is nothing to tell" he said. Phoebe felt this like a slap in the face. They had always been honest and forward in their relationship, except when he was demon, or when she didn't know he was demon, but that was different. She stared at him, her eyes wide and plain, she didn't know what to say or do. She nodded slightly, "ok, I'll drop it" she said, he looked at her and thanked her. He looked at her, as if expecting something, a kiss, or a quick romp in the sack, anything, but she twisted in the bed placing his pillow back on his side of the bed, she fluffed it lightly and lay down in her side, looking away from Cole. Cole watched her and couldn't help but smile, she looked like a mad little girl, although much colder. He saw that she wasn't planning on talking to him that night, he let out a puff air in disappointment, why couldn't he put his pride behind him for once? He thought to himself as he took off his clothes. Why couldn't he just tell Phoebe that he didn't find anything, he's not a man, he's not a man on his own, the only time he feels like a man was when he was Phoebe. He walked out of the closet and lay down on his back next Phoebe. He could feel that she was still awake. He wanted to touch her, but he was to afraid of her reaction. He turned on his side and faced Phoebe's back, he slowly made his way to her body, "Pheebs?" he asked, placing his hand on her shoulder. He could feel her smile and quickly erase it from her face, he never ever called her Pheebs, it was the first time, "hmm?" she said, He kissed her shoulder "talk to me" he said pleadingly, resting his cheek on her shoulder. "why? You don't talk to me" she said coldly, Cole retreated his face from her body, "why are you like this?" he yelled, Phoebe sat up and swirled around looking at him. "like how? You're the one that keeps secrets, I tell you everything" she said, her voice rising, he looked at her, "you… I don't want to tell you' he stammered, Phoebe looked at him, "why? What happened?" she asked. He hesitated a bit, "Jesus, Cole, would you just tell me?" she screamed, "I… I didn't find anything" he said lightly, Phoebe was just as dumbfounded as before, "what?" she asked, "I didn't find anything, ok, I went there to be alone, to find myself and I didn't, when I came back, I found myself, I found myself in you" he said, Phoebe looked at him, she didn't really understand, "I don't get it" she said, "I'm nothing without you, I'm not myself without you, going away wasn't the answer, my true self is with you, not by myself" he said, Phoebe looked at him, happy tears swelling in his eyes, she flung her arms around Cole and tackled him on the bed, she straddled him laughing, "I love you" Phoebe said, Cole opened his mouth to reciprocate the felling, but Phoebe's lips came down on his hard and fast.