Love isn't something you're taught to expect when you get to the Weyr. Pretty much the opposite, in fact. It's drilled into your head as a Candidate that dragons rarely keep their mates. That being true to any one person is an outdated idea confined to the Holds. And time passes, you Impress, love for your dragon swallows your life, and by the time you start looking again you've seen your friends and the ones you've come to respect doing just anything and don't bat an eyelash, and you call that adjusted. Or I did, anyway.
And then Meslith Rose again, and I woke up next to someone new and it broke my heart.
She was happy with her new Blue, at least. I could feel it even through the sleep that covered most of her mind to me. I was predisposed to like M'sar; Meslith had me in an accepting frame of mind, but I was used to waking up with C'alan! M'sar was a nice enough man, from what I'd seen of him, but he was not C'alan, whose blue Praketh had Flown Meslith on her first Flight.
I didn't know quite what to do. I was still a little groggy, and was hurt more than I'd have thought. I didn't even know what would happen with C'alan- I had not been his friend before the Flight. I'd rarely seen him. Would it be like that again? We'd skipped being friends- strangers to lovers in one night of dragon-fueled passion, sealed by the next morning cushioned by the dragons' bliss. There were not the same feelings for M'sar. They were there, but less intense, less pressing and real. Had it been different because it was not Meslith's first Flight, or had I changed? I think M'sar must have felt my discomfort, because there were only a few minutes of quiet and awkward talk before he took his leave. He smiled at me as he left, but I think it was a little sad. That caused a bit of a pang, but not enough for me to call him back.
I stumbled on down to the Dining Hall in a kind of haze. I needed to sort out how I felt, but it was too confusing to manage without klah and something hot. Or else I knew enough to know I didn't want to be alone when I explored the strange hurt. I regretted not making M'sar welcome- he was my Weyrmate now, not C'alan, of whom I kept thinking- but I kept getting distracted from that thought by the wonder of whether or not C'alan would be down yet. I didn't see him on the first sweep, and felt both disappointed and relieved. I wanted to see him, but I wasn't sure how I could handle it if he said something I didn't like. I scrambled into a chair and started eating from the dishes set out for breakfast, downing more klah than normal in an effort to wake up.
"Good morning." I froze at the sound of his voice. I'd been wishing to see him, and now he was here. C'alan sat down next to me; right next to me, in fact. Close enough that he brushed against me when he reached for the klah. All coherent thought in my brain was: why didn't he just ask me to pass it to him?
"You didn't come down with M'sar." He was smiling, like this wasn't an important conversation at all. I was suddenly and forcefully irritated. He'd said some things to me- things I'd rather not repeat, if you catch my meaning. Saying them out loud would just wear them out- and then abandoned me to someone else his first opportunity, and he couldn't even make the effort to pretend to be interested? That hurt deeply. "I didn't think that of him. I always make a point of walking a new Weyrmate down to breakfast, at least. Decent thing to do."
"Well, if you'd listened to me and not let Praketh gorge himself, you'd have had the privilege!" I regretted it almost instantly. I didn't want to have C'alan mad at me, and it's not done to speak about another's dragon like that. He stared at me for a second, before anger took over and he turned away. I hadn't realized he was still sitting up against me until he moved his chair away. A small part of me- the hurt, angry part that snarled that he'd betrayed my trust in him, my lo- no. No, my trust… my trust…- said that I'd done nothing wrong: every word was true! He had been indulging Praketh lately, and the Blue was looking rather portly these days. The rest of me was bemoaning the fact that I was three kinds of a sharding wherry-headed dim glow, and possible some worse things.
The silence stretched, and I didn't turn to look at him. He hadn't actually walked away, but…
"That's not like you." He said finally, setting his klah mug down on the table with a clink. "I knew you'd miss me." He leaned over, draping a long arm over my shoulders and pulling me over to kiss my temple. C'alan's much taller than me- I felt like a doll tucked against his chest like that. A few people chuckled, and I abruptly felt my face heat up. Holdbreds like me aren't used to such public displays of affection, except for possibly at weddings. The sudden knowledge that people had been watching us probably since we both came in- and had seen and heard ((my blush intensified here, I'm sure of it)) everything made me suddenly, acutely aware that my Green had just Risen.
"C'alan- M'sar!" I didn't want to push him away, onlookers or no, but didn't I have someone else now.
"Can handle it." He let me sit up, but didn't remove his arm. "He's older than both of us, you know. He's gone without a Weyrmate before, and he'll understand. Why not let everyone be happy? Meslith has her chosen mate; let yourself have yours."
It's not always been easy, you know. Praketh has Flown Meslith many times over the Turns, but she's taken someone else as many. It's been awkward, it'd been hard. Praketh has Chased other Greens, too- that was a shock the first time that happened, let me tell you- but we've gotten over it. It's the other side that CandidateMaster never told you about: the part that only happens to those of us who are lucky.
Dragons might not keep their mates, but that shouldn't get in the way of the rest of us.