Happy angsting.

Endings
By Neko-chan the Mewse
2/7/09

At this point in time, Dean doesn't really know what to think.

Sam is dead and it is all Dean can do to keep living from day to day. If it weren't for his brother's damned last words, Dean would have joined him in the afterlife shortly. He was the older brother; he was supposed to die first dammit! So he hunts and spends his free time researching. Days are spent in the library and his nights are wasted on the internet, searching for any possible way to bring his brother back.

He'd already taken care of the spirit that killed his brother. That was one of the first things he'd done. He had exorcised the damned spirit with a vengeance, ruthlessly forcing it out of existence. Then he had gone to their motel room (which was really just his now but he refused to think that), packed up all their stuff, and then he took Sam to Bobby. He had taken a piece of Sam's hair with him, resolving to get a locket or something to put it in because even though necklaces were girly, it was the easiest way to keep a piece of his brother close to him.

At the current moment, he was in some city north of that place. He never bothered noting the names of places anymore. Not since then.

But he'd keep hunting and staying alive, if only because Sam asked. He couldn't say no to Sam's last wish and he wasn't going to sit back and let people die because he didn't feel like hunting anymore. If he could save anyone else from feeling the way he was, it was worth it.

His search for a way to bring his brother back goes nowhere. It's been three months. He is beginning to seriously consider making a contract with a demon but in the end decides not to because Sam had said live and giving his soul to a demon is definitely not living. Then again, what he's doing can't really be called living either but he never thinks about that.

On the fourth month, Bobby calls him, asking, no, telling Dean that he is going to salt and burn Sam with or without Dean there. So of course Dean makes a beeline for Bobby's place. It takes him a few hours and Bobby is finishing up the preparations. He's out of the Impala and trying to tackle Bobby all in one move.

Naturally, Bobby anticipated this happening, so he had called over several friends to restrain Dean. Dean is helpless to do anything but watch Sam (not Sam, no, not Sam) go up in flames.

Dean goes wild, trying to get to his brother's body. It is only because of Missouri's timely arrival that Dean is kept from killing himself. It is difficult to think of ways to kill yourself when there's a psychic aiming to prevent that. Dean hasn't forgotten about Sam's last request but before there had been hope that he could get Sam back. Now, even if he made a contract with a demon, nothing could be done because they had burned Sam's body.

Dean is kept at Bobby's place under the watchful eye of both Bobby and Missouri and after a few months is released. Missouri warns him not to do anything reckless but Dean isn't listening (after what she has done, he doesn't want to listen) and he's back on the road in his beloved Impala.

He loves the Impala and he enjoys being able to listen to his music at the volume he wants, but it's not the same without Sam there to complain about the level. He turns it down, simply out of habit, and for a moment it's as if Sam is with him. And then he steels his resolve because if Sam really was with him, they'd still be hunting. So that's what he does.

He hunts recklessly, doing the minimal amount of research before running in, guns blazing. Researching is Sam's job. He's not going to take it. Surprisingly enough, even though he goes into every hunt without taking precautions, he comes out relatively unscathed. At first he chalks it up to good luck.

A few months pass in a rather lazy fashion. Dean goes on a hunt, finishes it, and starts another. It's the only way he can ignore the gaping hole in his heart that began when Dad left and completely ripped open when Sam died. He looks for anything, anything he can do that distracts from thoughts of his father and brother. Anything that even seemed supernatural was closely examined before Dean decided whether to take care of it or not. That's how he noticed.

It didn't seem like much—gunshots missing, flying items going askew, clues lying in the open…all those he could call good luck and ignore. But when a bullet shot at point blank is magically deflected, he can't ignore it anymore. He doesn't have to research. There's only one person who would care enough to protect him after death. Sammy's last whispered word echoes in his mind. Live.

He clenches his hand around the gold locket he wears everywhere, the one with Sam's hair. Reluctantly, he removes the hair and burns it. It isn't fair for Sam to have to stick around because Dean wants to be selfish. He thinks it's over but the potential dangers still get deflected. He's confused. He doesn't know what to do. He's torn between calling Bobby and getting advice or not contacting him to tell about Sam at all.

In the end Dean does a mixture of the two, telling Bobby that he burned every bit of the body but that the ghost is still there and what should he do? Bobby reminds him that ghosts can use valued things to remain in this world and Dean's whole world freezes. The thing Sam cares about the most. Dean.

Sometimes he sees flashes of his brother. A smile here, a smirk there. It's enough to drive him insane. Maybe he's already insane. Heck, he could be hallucinating! His brother could be a figment of his imagination—if Sam were here, he'd say something about minds creating images of the things they miss.

Dean puts up with it for a month. But when he stops getting even paper cuts, he knows it's time. He is going to make Sam move on even if he has to kill himself. That's the only way he knows to force a ghost to move on. Burn their body, then their things. In this case, Dean falls in the latter category. He isn't sure if he should be offended or not.

Knowing that Sam will most definitely try and stop him, Dean creates a salt circle around himself. Then he calls Bobby and tells him that he's going to kill himself and he'd appreciate it if Bobby would salt and burn his body for him. He hangs up quickly, but not before he hears Bobby yelling. Lastly, he pulls out a .45 and aims it at himself. Sam appears in an instant.

When he realizes he can't get to Dean, he speaks to Dean pleadingly, eyes wide and frightened. "Dean, please don't do this."

"You're not supposed to be here, Sammy." Dean tells his brother calmly. "You can at least be at peace while you're dead. Pass on already."

Sam looks hurt. "I can't,"

Dean flicked the safety off. "Well then, I guess I'll just have to help you."

Sam is crying now and Dean feels like kicking himself. He made his brother cry. "Please, Dean, I can't go anywhere unless you're safe and you're never safe. You have to understand; it's not like I'm hurting anyone. I just don't want to go anywhere without you."

"I can fix that." Dean gives his brother a soft smile.

"No," Sam panics and tries to force his way forward but the salt barrier won't let him. "No! No, Dean, please, no!"

Dean's smile widens—he just knows Sam's going to beat him up for this and Dean would happily let him as long as they're together. He puts the gun to his head, ignoring Sam's pleas, and squeezes the trigger.