AN: Just a one parter from an author who wanted to try her hand at getting inside
Spike's head. Standard disclaimers apply.
******************************** Rocking **************************
"Buffy…" The name is familiar and strange all at the same time, forbidden fruit for a
man of sin. But I've already tasted of the tree, and found my personal hell.
Light and sunlight… Warmth in rain and muddy footprints on a white carpet. I rock, knees
tucked under my chin, murmuring softly to myself, a litany, a mantra of a single name.
Like something precious, I hoard my breath and whisper roughly, needing the sound and the
pain of guilt it brings.
Salt on old wounds that will never heal.
"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy…"
Blood, dried and fresh, vermilion and rust, rivers of release, gleaming fangs, yellowed
eyes, ash and a scattering, fickle wind. I can feel it inside me, judging, hating,
churning within my breast like a broken bird, trapped within a body that has been
committed to darkness for a lifetime of terror. I pant and rock, the music of my
insanity, rhythm of my madness.
"Buffy… oh Buffy…"
I close too blue eyes as I steadily rock, back and forth, back and forth, cold tile floor,
fear in wide, wide eyes. "Bad William… Bad…"
I sob quietly, curled into a ball that finally stills.
"Buffy…"
China with the copper taste of blood and an empty victory; a featureless subway car with
terror hanging heavy like satisfaction in the air. Bodies twist and contort, clawing,
begging, accusing.
"Buffy…"
Girls with pigtails, boys with curls, mothers with daughters, men with wives, Darla and
her icy cruelness, Angel and his vicious glee, broken and crazed Drusilla. Would I
understand my dark love now? Is madness universal?
"Buffy…"
Is the pain never ending? I'm silent now, happy to torment myself with memories alone.
Bitter Faith, avenging Willow, lurking Xander clinging to vestiges of greatness, gentle
Tara laid to rest. And Buffy…
My tears are hot as flames with no hope of redemption. Damnation envelops me as I lie on
the basement floor, rocking back and forth, back and forth as my soul tries to burst free.
Spike's head. Standard disclaimers apply.
******************************** Rocking **************************
"Buffy…" The name is familiar and strange all at the same time, forbidden fruit for a
man of sin. But I've already tasted of the tree, and found my personal hell.
Light and sunlight… Warmth in rain and muddy footprints on a white carpet. I rock, knees
tucked under my chin, murmuring softly to myself, a litany, a mantra of a single name.
Like something precious, I hoard my breath and whisper roughly, needing the sound and the
pain of guilt it brings.
Salt on old wounds that will never heal.
"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy…"
Blood, dried and fresh, vermilion and rust, rivers of release, gleaming fangs, yellowed
eyes, ash and a scattering, fickle wind. I can feel it inside me, judging, hating,
churning within my breast like a broken bird, trapped within a body that has been
committed to darkness for a lifetime of terror. I pant and rock, the music of my
insanity, rhythm of my madness.
"Buffy… oh Buffy…"
I close too blue eyes as I steadily rock, back and forth, back and forth, cold tile floor,
fear in wide, wide eyes. "Bad William… Bad…"
I sob quietly, curled into a ball that finally stills.
"Buffy…"
China with the copper taste of blood and an empty victory; a featureless subway car with
terror hanging heavy like satisfaction in the air. Bodies twist and contort, clawing,
begging, accusing.
"Buffy…"
Girls with pigtails, boys with curls, mothers with daughters, men with wives, Darla and
her icy cruelness, Angel and his vicious glee, broken and crazed Drusilla. Would I
understand my dark love now? Is madness universal?
"Buffy…"
Is the pain never ending? I'm silent now, happy to torment myself with memories alone.
Bitter Faith, avenging Willow, lurking Xander clinging to vestiges of greatness, gentle
Tara laid to rest. And Buffy…
My tears are hot as flames with no hope of redemption. Damnation envelops me as I lie on
the basement floor, rocking back and forth, back and forth as my soul tries to burst free.