The Wacky Adventures of Ratchet and Megatron!

By Kingdom of Deke

Summary: Here it is, ladies and gentlemen! Possibly the ONLY documentation of the bizarre Ratchet/Megatron saga, as depicted in the U.S. comic series, in particular Issues #4, #56, #57, #58, #59, #70 and #78. Yes that's right, everything from the Budiansky travesties to the Furman masterpieces. It should be advised that any humor you may glean from this story will be purely coincidental.

Disclaimer: As Jud Crandall once said in Stephen King's 'Per Semetary': "What you own will come back to you." Seeing as how no Transformers have turned up on my doorstep in recent times I think I can safely assume that I don't own them.

Before we begin, let's have a few words with our main protagonists:

Megatron: Peace through tyranny. After all, look what it did for Aaron Spelling.

Ratchet: You break it, you pay for it guv.

Ready? Then let's begin!

Chapter 1: Mismatch of the century (Issue #4, Part 1)

Decepticon HQ…

Shockwave: Well, I'm back from completely demolishing the entire Autobot army. Megatron, I want you to go back and bring me Prime's head.

Megatron: What? You were just there! Why didn't you bring it back yourself?

Shockwave (shrugging): Because.

Megatron: Grrr…curse you and your infallible logic!

Megatron flies off towards the Ark.

*****

Meanwhile, outside the Ark…

Ratchet: Well, I'm back from my not-at-all pointless fishing trip. Can't help feeling I've forgotten something though…

Cut to the forest to show Spike Witwicky half buried under some rocks.

Spike: HELP!

Cut back to Ratchet.

Ratchet: Meh. I'm sure it's nothing.

Ratchet enters the Ark.

Ratchet: Quieter than usual…

He enters the control room and is surprised to see it deserted. As he looks around a drop of energon falls from the ceiling and splashes next to his left foot. He looks at the puddle for a moment before slowly looking up at the ceiling to find…

Ratchet: HOLY FLURKING SHNIT!

…his Autobot comrades slung upside down by their feet.

Ratchet: BY PRIMUS! WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS?! (in a much quieter tone) As if I didn't know…

Ratchet goes through the bodies and finds that Optimus Prime is not amongst them. He sets out to look for him. By a startiling coincidence the first door he opens leads him to Prime's head attached to numerous wires.

Ratchet: …Alright, NOW it's getting creepy…

Prime: …Ratchet.

Ratchet leaps so high into the air that he bangs his head on the ceiling.

Ratchet: GAH! Prime! You're still alive?!

Prime: Yep. I'm a survivor, doncha know.

Ratchet: …Right. What happened here?

Prime: Shockwave happened.

Ratchet (exaggerated tones): Shockwave?! The one whose power rivals Megatron's?!

Prime: That's the one. Anyway, he took us by surprise, deactivated everyone and removed my head from my body.

Ratchet: Let me get this straight. Shockwave came in here, totaled you all, decapitated you but decided to leave you on life support?

Prime: Yes.

Ratchet: What a great military mind. Where's your body?

Prime: Shockwave took it with him. He wanted the Matrix so he could start creating new Decepticons.

Ratchet: Wouldn't it have been easier to just take the Matrix and string you up like the rest?

Prime: You'd think that wouldn't ya? Look, we're running out of time. Megatron's on his way here and…

Ratchet: Megatron's on his way? How the hell do you know?

Prime: Never you mind. At any rate, you're the only one who can stop him.

Ratchet: WHAT?! Damn it Prime, I'm a doctor, not a warrior!

Prime: Then consider today to be your lesson in the art of war and your very survival the test you must pass.

Ratchet: …You know, as far as motivational speeches go, that both sucked and blew.

Ratchet goes to the room's exit.

Prime: Worry not faithful Ratchet, for no matter the outcome your name will live on forever in Autobot lore.

Ratchet: Oh yay. That'll be a great comfort when Megatron's feeding me my legs.

Ratchet makes his way to the Autobot armory. Entering he finds it to be stark empty.

Ratchet: Of course there are no weapons. It'd be too easy otherwise…

Automated Voice: WARNING! WARNING! DECEPTICON IN THE VICINITY!

Ratchet runs back into the control room and activates the external cameras. Megatron can be seen at the Ark's closed doors.

Megatron: Open up Autobots! Let me in!

Ratchet (through a microphone): Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!

Megatron: Oh yeah?!

Megatron points his fusion cannon at the doors and vaporizes them with one blast. He stomps his way through the Ark until he reaches the control room. It seems to be deserted, until we pan up to see Ratchet hanging form Ironhide's body.

Megatron: Now, where did he leave Pri-

Ratchet (dropping from the ceiling): KAMAKAZI!!!!!

Megatron grabs the flying doc in mid-air and flings him into the far bulkhead.

Ratchet: Ow…well, that worked well…

Megatron: So, Shockwave left a survivor eh? And a weak one at that.

Ratchet: Don't underestimate me Megatron! Have a taste of ultra cold heat and super hot cold!…Wait a second, that doesn't sound right…

Two sad little guns pop out of Ratchet's wrists and fire their contents at Megatron. The former 'Con overlord looks on with a bored expression.

Megatron: Ooh, it tingles!

Megatron strides forward and punches Ratchet, thereby stopping the 'barrage'. 

Megatron: Now I'm gonna lay the smackdown on your lily-white ass!

Ratchet: Actually it's more of a porcelain.

Megatron: Shut yo' mouth!

*RING! RING!*

With an annoyed sigh Megatron takes his mobile out of subspace.

Megatron: Always when I'm striking down my foes or doing my hair…

Ratchet watches as Megatron takes the call.

Megatron: Uh-huh…yes Shockwave, I'm at the Ark…yes, there's a survivor, but it's only Ratchet…what?…oh geez…just a sec…(to Ratchet) You wouldn't happen to have a pen and paper on you would you?

Ratchet gets up and goes into the next room, emerging with a pen and a scrap of paper a few seconds later.

Megatron (taking the paper and pen): Thanks. (to Shockwave) Okay, what was it again?…A quart of milk…six value sized Twinkies…three gallons of Pepsi…and the latest edition of 'Baked Bean Bombshells'. All that along with Prime's head right?…OK, I'll see you later Shockwave…(sigh) I mean LORD Shockwave.

Megatron flicks the phone off while Ratchet gazes at him in surprise.

Ratchet: Hang on a sec…did Shockwave overthrow you or something?

Megatron: Yes and what of it?! It is only a temporary situation! After all, I am the Galaxy's Most Powerful Decepticon Leader!

Ratchet: Isn't that like being the World's Least Popular Nazi?

Megatron: Why you little…!

Megatron starts choking Ratchet.

Ratchet: ACK! Wait! Cease! Hold your horses! I can help you regain control!

Megatron (letting go of Ratchet): Oh? And how do you plan on doing that?

Ratchet: I've got a sure-fire, not-a-chance-in-hell-this-will-fail plan that will get Shockwave out of your metaphorical hair for good. In return, you leave the Ark.

Megatron: Hmm…agreed. Just so I know, your plan doesn't consist of merely poking Shockwave in the eye and kicking him repeatedly in the crotch does it?

Ratchet: Not anymore!

To be continued…