A/N: This was inspired while reading some really crappy Sparrabeth fanfics

A/N: This was inspired while reading some really crappy Sparrabeth fanfics. After a while, I get very tired of overly dramatic, or OOC fanfics, and so, to release my anger for them, I shall do it in a screwed up form of writing. Now I am not saying that I've never done this in my time of fanfic, for surely I have, but I have grown to learn, look back and laugh. I don't know how many chapters there will be; please leave out flames. :3

This chapter is dedicated to Florencia and anyone else who made Miss. Swann loose her memory. Don't worry love, I totally loved your fanfic, I just had to poke fun! :3

Disclaimer: Written merely for fun; no money involved.

The Screwed Up Escapades of a Crappy JE Fanfic

Chapter One: A Million and One Ways to Injure Elizabeth Swann:

It was a fine day for sailing that morning in the Caribbean; the sun was high in the sky, making every man on the ship of the Black Pearl hot and sweaty, and most likely feeling a little more gay for one another then usual. The only female on the vessel who had never had men attempt to violate her, Elizabeth Swann trotted along the main deck of the ship in a low cut dress, gaining no attention whatsoever from any passing men.

Spotting a rope that needed retying, the woman knelt down, her perfectly arranged hair fluttering in the wind as she untied the rope and re-did it. Looking at her work with satisfaction, she was about to get up and leave when a sailor passing by with a particularly sharp and deadly knife for no reason tripped, the blade coming down and slicing right through Elizabeth's arm, her forearm landing on the deck, severed from her body.

Shrieking in agony and pain, she dramatically fell to the ground, writhing in pain as blood squirted from where her elbow once was rather disgustingly. The sailors 'Ew'd', and feeling squeamish, ripped out their handkerchiefs and covered their noses.

"Jack! Oh Jack!" Fainting from lack of blood, she stopped twitching. Immediately, the captain was at her side, scooping her up into his arms.

"Oh Elizabeth!" he wailed, not even bothered that his shirt was now turning a nice crimson, though he made a mental note to have Gibbs bring it to the dry cleaners later.

Rushing to his cabin, he threw her onto his bed that was conveniently in the main part of his cabin and not in a separate room, while Gibbs rushed in after him, a bowl of water in his hands and some cloths.

"Get me my sewing kit now!" Jack ordered. "I am quite a skilled doctor, and I know how to fix this sort of thing! Go!"

Frantically, the first mate dashed away and returned moments later with a pink floral case. Jack, who had been dabbing Elizabeth's head and thinking how even though she was all bloody he would still totally have sex with her, jumped up, and snatched the case from Gibbs's hands.

He growled, "Now go – I can do this all on my own." His first mate left, and he was alone with a knocked out bleeding woman.

Conveniently waking up right as the door closed, Elizabeth began to sob.

"Oh no! My arm!"

Jack looked at her with sympathetic eyes. "Don't worry love – bite down on this leather, and you'll be fine."

He gave her the leather, and began to sew.

It had been a long time since he had worked on his embroidery, but he managed to sew some skin he had had saved for eating later over the bloody mess, and even stitched 'Jack PWNS you' into her arm. Elizabeth thrashed in pain all the meanwhile, and her screams could be heard all across the ship.

When he was done, he took the leather away, and told her to get some rest and heal. She eventually did fall asleep, but while sleepwalking that night, managed to sprain her ankle while tripping over a rock that she knocked her head against, causing her to forget everything except Jack which led to a long and sexy relationship filled with steamy, stubbalicious, stumptastic, sex. However, she soon got her left eye poked out from a fishing incidenet, and died forty years later, after 12 memory loosings, 11 broken legs, 10 severed toes, 9 sprained wrists, 8 bullets to the heart, 7 stabs to the stomach, 6 hot chocolate scaldings, 5 stubbed fingers, 4 broken hearts, 3 fractured arms, 2 dislocated shoulders and a left eye that was poked out!