I see him every night.
Of course I do, because we work together. That isn't really what I'm saying though.
Every night, for years, I spent a few minutes during my shift just looking at him.
Watching him through the glass.
He never knew. He never noticed. That worked for me. Why? My attention had been captured by this creature. The more time I would spend with him, the harder it became to look away. I could focus on nothing and no one else. It'd probably change things between us if he were to actually know what I thought, what I've always thought. So I was glad of his naivety.
He was always vibrant. Always moving with a bounce, an energy, that I'm afraid I've lost somewhere along the way in my life.
A few minutes every shift became every break I had, when I had the time. Or any time at all really. I'd stand in the hallway, leaning against the wall, sipping my coffee, and pretending to read a file. Biding my time until I could once again raise my eyes and take in just a little bit more.
I used to watch him and smile. As old as he was, he was still young enough to be himself and completely comfortable, unashamed of it.
It was the highlight of my every evening.
But like all good things, it abruptly ended.
He stopped being a lab tech three years ago.
I wasn't as supportive as I should have been. Not in the beginning, at least.
Don't get me wrong… it wasn't because I didn't believe in him. I did then, and I still do. It was because I knew that he would change. It would change him… and I didn't want that.
He was so bright, and happy, and beautiful.
I didn't want that light inside of him to dim. Or worse yet, burn out completely.
It's been a while now, and just as I'd feared, he's changed.
Gone was his crazy hair and ridiculous clothing. Gone was his colorful and adorable humor. Gone were the days when we'd laugh over some silly game he invented and wanted to play because he was bored from being alone in the lab all the time.
It seemed his whole being was completely different.
He was courteous to everyone. He wore dull clothing with solid plain colors. He wore his hair flat, and perfectly styled. He was professional, and it saddened me more than I'll ever be able to admit out loud.
It broke my heart.
In a world full of death, and pain, and all of the horrible things people do to one another, he was my refuge. Whether he knew it or not. It nearly broke me entirely to watch the weight of the world slowly scuff away his shine, little by little.
But tonight… tonight I'm standing outside of the DNA lab, and I'm frozen in place. My feet have become stones, far too heavy to ever think of lifting on my own.
I was suddenly transported back about three years.
This time there was no file, and no coffee to hide behind. This time my right palm lifted to press against the cool glass that separated us as my gaze raked over the scene before me. Feeling it's smooth solid texture beneath my palm to ensure that what I was seeing was real. This time I wasn't hiding, but openly staring.
Someone had told me the day tech had quit, and they're scrambling to find a new one. Someone else had mentioned that we'd be short staffed over the next month or so, and that I might be working more than one case at a time for a bit.
No one had mentioned this.
There he was, in a lab coat that couldn't quite hide the splash of color peaking out from underneath. The clearly non regulation tee shirt he was sporting definitely wasn't solid or boring. His hair was sticking up in crazy and odd angles while he nodded his head along to the music I couldn't hear, but must be playing in there.
He was smiling and mouthing what I suspected to be lyrics, a pipette in his gloved hands, and he was beautiful.
He was back.
My Greg was back.
My heart was thundering in my chest.
How could this possibly be true?
He was so bright, I had to blink a few times to let my eyes adjust.
I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder unexpectedly.
"It's nice isn't it? Seeing him look like himself again?"
I knew the voice belonged to Sara but I found I couldn't look away, for fear that I'd turn back and it would all be a dream.
"I thought he'd lost this... It's... It's wonderful."
And I'd meant it. The scene before me was full of wonder. It was almost magical.
I heard a small chuckle followed by the hand lifting from my shoulder. Her voice sounded again, but it echoed, as if she was walking away.
"Greg could never really change. That's just not who he is."
Just then he moved. His whole body shifted and suddenly his eyes, full of laughter and light, were boring into my own. The pipette was gone and his right hand lifted to wave me inside.
I blinked several times and dropped my palm from the window only to move it to rub the back of my neck, a nervous habit that I haven't been able to kick. Then, with sudden ease, my feet lifted one at a time, and carried me through the door and into the lab.
"It's a little bit of a shock, I know... but they had no one else who could cover, and my fancy degrees are still a thing, so here I am. Don't get used to it though. As soon as they find a replacement, I'll be right back where I belong."
I laughed, because it was funny, but also because it was true. He didn't belong in this lab anymore. He'd outgrown it, about three years ago. Something else occurred to me then, in that moment. Standing in the lab, staring at his smile I took a breath and said it out loud.
"Greg, I'm tired of wasting time."
He seemed confused, and rightfully so. The words, for him, were seemingly out of nowhere... but I pressed on anyway.
"I just realized I have been wasting so much time, and I'm tired of watching it slip by. I don't wanna just watch anymore."
He nodded along, but it was clear he still didn't fully understand. He lifted a hand in a gentle gesture, asking for me to continue.
Suddenly the music that he'd been listening to caught my attention, and I turned to face the small boombox sitting atop a file cabinet in the corner. I didn't know the song, or the band, as this wasn't my typical kind of music... But in that moment it stole my attention all the same.
How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
And no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
By the time I looked back at him, he'd moved closer... and it was my turn to look at him with confusion written all over my face. He was smiling though. Not a bright beaming smile, or a calculated grin, or anything other than a shy upturn of the corners of his mouth.
The song continued and he moved ever closer, small step by small step. For my part, I was hypnotized.
How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
We thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
Null and void instead of voices
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen
He was right in front of me now. So close that a single step more and we'd be sharing our breath. The song echoing all around us, even though the volume wasn't nearly as high as he used to crank it. Another epiphany struck me just then. With much more power than the first. The realization was immediate and life changing. It was then that his voice filtered in to my ears between the notes of the song.
"You were saying?"
The question was light, as if it had no real meaning... But it was a facade. I could see it clearly, by the intensity of his gaze, that he needed me to continue. Almost as if he were desperate for me to finish. And just like that my epiphany was confirmed.
"You knew."
Two words, barely breathed passed my lips and then he was shrugging lightly. Looking much younger than his actual age all of a sudden. His light laughter was nervous and he fiddled with his gloves as he dropped his gaze away for a moment. But when his eyes returned they were nothing short of pleading.
"I hoped." I folded my arms self consciously and nodded as he finished.
"I couldn't know for sure. Not without it changing things."
I nodded again because I understood that logic all too well, and took a steadying breath and began again.
"I'm tired of watching you. I'm tired of simply looking and nothing more. I'm tired of hiding."
His smile started to grow from that nervous little quirk of the corners of his mouth to a full blown beam of sunshine. The whole room lit up with it. And then he spoke softly... but with conviction.
"Well, there's no glass wall... No coffee cup... No file. Say what you mean, Stokes... and you'd better mean what you say."
And it's the stars
The stars
That shine for you
I uncrossed my arms and took that final step towards him. Thinking about how those lyrics matched him perfectly.
"Greg Sanders, I've watched you for years. I like everything about you. You... Just as you are. I like you... and I think you should come out with me for a cup of coffee after this shift. I think there are some things we need to talk about."
My hand slid up and ducked into the lab coat he wore to rest upon his hip. One of his own hands reached up to cup my neck and pull me closer so the he could rest our foreheads together while he whispered his reply. It was so soft, I almost didn't register it.
"Why, Nick... I thought you'd never ask."
And then we were laughing and holding each other close and somehow I blinked and our lips were touching. It was perfect. Right up until a voice cut into the room, breaking our spell.
"As much as I'm happy that the whole Ross and Rachel will they, won't they, thing is finally settled... I need my results from that B&E Homicide. Do we have any hits yet?"
We separated awkwardly as Sara and Greg headed over to the printer. I watched him go in a daze. Uncaring of her comments or of their conversation until the song restarted and Sara sighed.
"Again, Greg? You've been playing this song for hours... Give it a rest already." His face flushed and he looked up. Our eyes caught and a smile bloomed between us.
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed