Author's Note: I don't own Deadpool or Luigi's Mansion. If I did, I'd be significantly happier.
The following is a birthday fic for the most beautiful girl I've never seen before, Janey1097. As a fellow writer and (hopefully) good friend, I wish you a happy birthday, Jane.
So without further ado… a thing. Yeah.
Deadpool stared at the map in his hands once again. A sullen crow cawed into the night above him, though it was quickly silenced by a bullet to the head.
"I'm still not used to these 'follow the map' assassinations. Couldn't you just say where they live and let me find them myself? That's half the fun, gone already!" the mercenary complained. "And now I have to deal with these freaking crows as well?"
"Caw!"
"I thought we had an agreement here!" Deadpool responded with another bullet.
After a bit more walking, the Crimson Comedian finally found his way to the designated area on the map. The phrase "Your new mansion!" pointed towards it.
"So the target's in here? And Stark's complaining about how his tower's too small and everything," Deadpool muttered, before raising a masked eyebrow. "How do I even know Stark in the first place?"
Deadpool blinked. "Oh right, the big menacing building. Yeah, that as well."
Indeed, a great mansion sat in front of Deadpool, a haunting green color painted on its rusty walls and a menacing aura exerting from it.
"Eh," Deadpool shrugged before charging into the mansion.
"Would those who are more weak-hearted and of the female gender please come forward," Deadpool started, "for Deadpool is in the…"
The mercenary looked around.
"House?"
The room was barren, save for a single chandelier on the ceiling and a small mirror.
"Hello? Anybody? I don't even have those voices in my head anymore! Would someone just come out so I can insult their faces?" Deadpool asked the emptiness.
As if by request, a strange orange glow entered the room, dropped a key, and left with a ghoulish chuckle.
"You know what, I'll take it. And I'll laugh, too! Ha!" Deadpool boasted, picking up the key.
Immediately afterwards, a large map of the building popped up, with Deadpool's bouncing head in the foyer itself.
"Whoa! I'm Q*Bert! Now I can swear and get away with it! F-"
And the map disappeared. Deadpool snapped his fingers with disappointment, but still jumped up and entered the next door, albeit without the key, preferring to pry the door open with a katana.
The next room was just as barren as the first. Deadpool grumbled to himself as he walked forward, before realizing he was walking into an orange creature.
"It's a ghost, Scoob!" Deadpool cried out before firing his pistols at point-blank range. The bullets passed through the specter as he laughed and called for companions.
"I killed zombies, which are undead. Ghosts are also undead. If this is the case, WHY CAN'T I KILL YOU?" Deadpool cried out, throwing everything he had at the orange ghosts.
Suddenly, in a Deus ex Machina that would make the crimson comedian blush, a small man with a vacuum appeared from nowhere, sucking away at the spooks.
"Hold on tight, youngster!" the old man commanded. "It's going to be a wild ride!"
"I've already faced that through Capcom, geezer!" Deadpool replied as the vacuum dragged itself across the floor as it sucked up the orange ghosts.
"You shouldn't be around here," the old man warned. "These ghosts… they popped out of nowhere a few weeks ago, they did. Said they were after jewels of the finest quali-"
"My hit money?" Deadpool interrupted.
The old man blinked. "Yeah, sure. Keep telling yourself that, youngster. Anyways…
"The name's Professor Elvin Gadd. Please, call me E. Gadd."
"I'll call you whatever I like, man! You can't tie me down! I'm a free assassin!" Deadpool responded. "From now on, you are Fred!"
"No… I'm E. Gadd."
"Eh… good enough."
A few moments passed before more ghosts popped up.
"We'd best scram, sonny. You're not properly prepared!" the professor beckoned.
"How is carrying all sorts of ninja weapons not properly prepared, again?" Deadpool asked as he escaped.
"So you were sent here to take someone out, is it?" Gadd asked in a small hut which he apparently owned.
"Yep. But from what I can see, you're the only person here who isn't risen from the dead," Deadpool responded, his foot tapping impatiently. "I need to kill something here, or else this job isn't worth it at all. I could be hanging out with good old Taskmaster, killing some loiterers or jaywalkers or something."
"So you… don't want the money?"
"No, I want the money and the chance to kill things. Perk up your ears, geezer!"
Gadd sighed, but handed the vacuum to Deadpool.
"If this is a 'you suck' pun, I applaud you for effort, and effort alone," Deadpool muttered.
"No, sonny, that's how you get rid of the ghosts. You suck 'em up! Pow! Pow!" Gadd replied, punching the air for emphasis.
Deadpool stared at the old man, before finally saying a very flat "What."
"Well, it's perfect logic, really," Gadd responded. "Like the old saying goes, you can't make an omelet without using a vacuum cleaner!"
"Finally, someone who speaks my language!" Deadpool cheered. "And can it contain money?"
It was Gadd's turn to stare.
"Like… it's a vacuum, but is it a super vacuum, or can it still… y'know… do what vacuums do?"
"I… guess it could hold money," Gadd finally responded.
"Sold," Deadpool said immediately afterwards.
"So… where will you go, Luigi?" Gadd asked.
"Um…" Deadpool stuttered, staring into a green box with a sole hand. "The big, spooky place with money in it."
"SPLENDID!" the professor cheered with a seemingly perverse glee. "Now you have fun, youngster. And if you catch a big'un, I'll call you back on your Game Boy Horror."
"My what?"
But Deadpool's question remained unanswered as he was shoved into the mansion once again.
The foyer was still dark, though a single burst of lightning showed a weeping mushroom.
"You know, I never really salted these things before," Deadpool commented. "Let's see if it's any different than the stuff they put on my pizza."
But before the mercenary could nibble on the fungus, he immediately, for whatever reason, stood up.
"Wah...Wow! It's Luigi! You finally made it! Oh, joy! Thank goodness! Me? Well, Princess Peach asked me to come here to look for Mario. He left when he heard that you'd won a mansion, and he never returned! Th...then when I arrived here, the mansion was full of ghosts and I didn't see Mario anywhere, and I kind of freaked out a little, and I didn't know what to do! It's been awful! Please, please, please, you HAVE to help me find Mario! If he doesn't get back, you have no idea how upset the princess will be! She'll flip!" the mushroom spoke, relatively quickly.
"Hi," Deadpool responded with a wave.
"Do you want to save your game?" the mushroom asked. Deadpool responded by munching it down, a joyous "OM-NOM-NOM" coming from his mouth between bites.
After finishing off the anthropomorphic fungus, Deadpool's attention was focused to the door in front of him. A heart was etched onto the door, though a strange series of spiked vines covered it.
"Logic denotes that this door probably can't be opened," Deadpool spoke. "Which means it's a very good thing that I'm illogical!"
He still couldn't open the door.
"Shut up, you!" the mercenary yelled at the narration. "I'll just do this the hard way. And by that, I kind of mean the easy way. Because when it comes to killing things, that shit is EASY, son!"
With that, Deadpool ran to the room where he first encountered the orange ghouls. Whipping out the vacuum cleaner, he sucked up the lot of the ghosts in a matter of seconds.
"Oh yeah! Who you gonna call? Deadpool, baby!" the mercenary cheered.
His cheer stopped, however, when his eye caught a nearby table.
"I have no clue why," he began, "but I have the sudden and uncontrollable urge to vigorously dry-hump this table."
And so he did. Fortunately enough, several coins and dollar bills popped out of the furniture, which Deadpool quickly grabbed with a suction.
"I knew that grinding wooden objects could only lead to wealth!" Deadpool cheered with a pump of his fist. "Now to open the door!"
Or not.
"I saw that!"
You need to get the key.
"The what?"
The key. It's in that box over there.
Indeed, a small green chest lay a few feet from Deadpool. With a kick, it opened to reveal a small key.
"Wait, how did you know that?" Deadpool asked the mysterious voice/text.
Well, I'm just kind of used to it.
"You sure you're not just that voice in my head again?"
No, not in particular. I'm actually seen by quite a few people.
"Can I have a name?"
Sure. Deadpool.
The mercenary raised a finger in accusation, but lowered it. "You know what? I'll let that slide. Well played."
With that, Deadpool entered the room, sucking up more ghosts, pink ones joining their orange counterparts.
"This is getting pretty old, and I'm barely into it," Deadpool complained.
Well, get used to it. It'll be here for another forty-odd rooms. And some ghosts have personalities.
"Try me," the mercenary replied. "How can these ghosts not be boring?"
Entering the next room, a green ghost popped out of nowhere, ate a banana, and left the peel on the ground. With a joking chuckle, he then left with a spin.
"Yep. Pretty wacky."
Oh, shut up.
After ridding of the ghosts, the lights remained off.
"Wait, why didn't I notice that these lights turned on after the ghosts became part of the Dead-Undead?" Deadpool asked.
It's assumed that the readers have at least some knowledge of the game. That's one of the really obvious parts.
"I'm sorry, what's this about a game?"
Um… look! It's a wardrobe! Dry-hump it!
"Damn it, he knows my weakness!" Deadpool swore as he furiously grinded the wardrobe, a blue ghost popping out with a scream. Deadpool's ridiculous instincts caught the ghoul, who exploded in a mountain of cash.
"Still worth it!" Deadpool quipped, sucking up his winnings and the final ghost that he bypassed.
Entering the next room…
"I think they understand that I'm making progression over here!"
Whatever. It's a balcony. Looks like someone doesn't want to take things seriously around here.
Regardless, another mushroom sat there, weeping next to a bunch of plants.
Bottle its tears! It's the only way to water the plants!
"Hm?" Deadpool asked between bites of mushroom.
Oh, nothing.
Walking back, Deadpool's interest was caught by a nearby mirror.
"Man… I still look this flabby? I need to assassinate more often. Maybe there's something in my pocket?" Deadpool wondered aloud as he searched his pouches, finding only a Game Boy Color.
"Aw, sweet! I hope it's got that one version of Street Fighter II!" the mercenary hoped as he switched the game on.
The world swirled around Deadpool, leaving him very confused in the foyer, the game console off.
"Well… this game sucks," Deadpool muttered to himself.
No, it's just the mirror. You activate it in front of a mirror, and you go back here. Somehow. Ghost logic.
"I know, right?"
Shut up and progress the story.
"Yes, sir!"
With his newly found key ("How'd I get this again?"), Deadpool entered a corridor, and then another room.
"Could you please word this better? I'm a badass, for crying out loud!"
Fine.
The crimson comedian flung himself into the gloomy hallway, countless rat ghosts crawling on the grungy floors and walls. With ninja-like speed, he rushed into a nearby door which was unlocked, and slammed it behind him, his vacuum ready for suctioning. ARE YOU HAPPY?
"Quite, actually."
It was at this moment that Deadpool noticed a small piece of cheese in the corner of the room.
Please don't tell me you're going to eat it.
"But it looks so good!"
Dude. It's not only cheese, it's freaking GHOST CHEESE. How are you going to eat it, if it is A GHOST.
"Limitations!"
With that, Deadpool sneaked up to the dead dairy, only to find a golden mouse nibbling upon it.
"Aw crap, I left my ghost cat in the other suit!" Deadpool moaned as the mouse fled through a wall.
If it makes you feel any better, that mouse had money in its body.
"Yeah. Thanks."
Deadpool's shortest attention span known to humanity quickly turned to the fact that there was a rocking chair, rocking on its own accord. However, his never-ending quest to hump furniture was interrupted by the yawning of a paranormal man reading in the chair.
"Ah, look! He's reading X-Force!" Deadpool noted. "Nice choice, man!"
So you're not going to kill him?
"Isn't he already dead?"
Well, kill him some more. I think this guy is necessary in order to… do… some stuff.
"You can't make me!"
If you beat him, he farts pearls.
"Hm?" the ghost muttered. "Oh, look, it's that guy in the comic. Marvelous…"
The ghost gave a great yawn, and with that, Deadpool sucked him up in a quick fashion.
Guess you wanted those pearls, huh?
"Screw those! He didn't know my name. He didn't know that I was Deadpool! How degrading can you get?"
At least you weren't called Superman or anything.
"Yeah, yeah." Can we move on?
They moved on to a small bedroom, where a female ghost sat, brushing her hair.
"Well hello, pretty dead lady. I guess you're so beautiful that you looked in that mirror and died in amazement, huh?" Deadpool said with a not-so-subtle nudge of the elbow.
"…"
"Hello? Me human, you hot ghost? Anything?"
"…"
"Screw it, it's vacuum time!"
I don't advise that.
"But she's still a ghost, right?"
Her weakness isn't here yet. Why not open the window? That'll really spook her.
"Did it take us that long to make a ghost pun?"
I'll see if I can scare something else up.
"Would you stop that?" Deadpool asked as he tore down the shades with a well-aimed slice of the katana.
"Close the window," the woman asked, unmoving.
Deadpool blinked, and then quickly sucked her up.
Are you going to make a fellatio joke, or are we too proud for that?
"You're the one who thought of it," Deadpool responded, exiting the room.
The walls were ringing with the sounds of a squealing baby.
"I think someone's wet the bed," Deadpool quipped as he ran to, and entered, the nursery, where the ghost baby sat, wailing away.
Any idea on how to change a ghost diaper?
"Pway!" the baby shouted with glee. "Pway with meeeeee!"
"Aw no, it's one of those religious babies!" Deadpool said, clearly panicked. "How do I suck it up?"
I don't do well with kids. Just play along. Like… I don't know. Catch or something. Try throwing the beach ball over there.
"You don't have hands. How can I…"
A very large ball fell to Deadpool's feet. With a shrug, he chucked it at the child's head. It collided with the baby, who fell back.
"Ow! You gave me an owie, stupid wed man!" the baby whined.
"Aw, look! He likes me!" Deadpool said. "Who's my favorite little mercenary? You are! You are!"
"No! I'm tired of you being biggew than me! Now you're gonna be much smawwer!"
"Smawwer!" Deadpool laughed. "I love this kid! I love this kid… what?"
Deadpool looked around to see that either the crib had become humongous, or he had become much smaller.
"All right, kid. Prepare for the sucking of a lifetime!" the little Deadpool shouted, the vacuum in full force.
"You can't hit me!" the baby taunted, jumping around like he was still alive. "Not even those mean ol' beach bawws can hit me!"
"WAAAAAAAH HA HA HA! Beach bawws! Say it again! Say it again, please!"
Deadpool… the mission at hand?
"But he needs to say "beach ball" again! He's too damn cute to kill!"
He has the shiny key. And remember what we learned about shiny?
"Shiny… is good?"
There you go. Now kill a dead baby!
And so he did. Wasn't that impressive, actually. I could do that with one hand tied behind my…
"Respawn!" Deadpool mockingly said. "Now tell them about the fight!"
No. I don't want to.
"Wait…" Deadpool started. "Do I have two voices in my head?"
Yeah.
Probably.
"Well, why are only you narrating it?"
Who, me?
Anyone else here?
Yeah, good point.
…
You hear something?
"Yeah, it's… chiptune or something. I think I left my game on," Deadpool apologized, reaching for the Game Boy Color.
"Youngster! Pick up, youngster!" Gadd demanded from the game device. "I can't believe you've already filled the ol' Poltergust 3000!"
It was called the Poltergust 3000?
My thoughts exactly.
"You'd best come back to the lab, sonny," Gadd said. "We'll get those ghosts back into the gallery."
What gallery?
"So does this mean I can't finish my game?" Deadpool asked as he walked back to Gadd's home.
"This is the Ghost Portrificationizer!" Gadd said, pointing to a giant machine. "Ghosts go in, paintings come out!"
"And then I get money, right?" Deadpool asked.
"In time, sonny. This only works with ghosts. So…"
Boring.
Yeah, I agree.
"Whatever, geezer. Can I just hunt ghosts again?" Deadpool muttered.
"Um-"
"Great, see you later!" the mercenary waved, running back to the mansion with the vacuum in tow.
Author's Note: Confused? I am as well.
And so ends the first chapter of… this. It's really risky of me to do something this outrageous as a birthday fic, but… I don't really care.
TDT will be updating soon as well, but this little bastard will get a special place here; the next three chapters will be uploaded in the next three weeks, one every Sunday.
Also, I know this isn't my best work, but then again, I'm toying with the triple-narrative of Deadpool and the character himself, so… yeah. Fun times.
I thank you for reading, and again, happy birthday, Jane. Lord knows you deserve it.