She heaved the bag over her shoulder, gulping as she turned the corner. She didn't take notice of his fingers as they squeezed hers back. The chilly wind blew strongly, making their noses cold. It was only October, but the weather had really taken a turn for the worst. The sky was grey and as dark as night, despite it only being 2.
One step forward and they'd be in the warm. The place she knew so well. It was funny, she thought, just how much things changed. The same glassy doors that held in the same brightly-lit and bustling department. Of course she loved him, didn't want him to be cold. He'd be freezing. They needed to go inside. But how could they? All of it was the same as it had been before, but the people were different. Things had changed and they weren't going to be how they had been before.
They'd get a warm welcome, sure. That was the last thing she wanted. Being showered with tacky flowers, or chocolates, or even attention. Being shot funny looks from new, elite doctors who didn't know the slightest. She couldn't stand outside forever, had to go in. Had to go in.
-x-
'Lily!' At least three people squealed at once, immediately rushing to her side. She instinctively shot a hand up to her hair, twiddling with it awkwardly. The fuss was overwhelming, especially from those she hadn't been overly close with. Looking vaguely familiar, someone shot her a welcoming smile. She realised all at once - Alicia. Alicia, but with hair to her shoulders, carrying a clipboard and in heels. When she held her hand up to wave, the gleaming sparkle caught Lily's attention immediately. Engaged, or even married. To Ethan? Perhaps. To someone else? Maybe. The professionalism of who she remembered to be a junior doctor shocked her the most. She looked... strange. Different, rather. She looked aged and grown and confident. A wave of something washed over Lily. Nostalgia? Guilt, for missing out on it all? Maybe just happiness, unfiltered happiness. The last time she saw her, she'd been consoling a grieving Ethan. She was genuinely glad that life had been kind and rewarded someone, if not herself.
Her attention was quickly diverted to the tugging sensation on her arm. She glanced down, and her cheeks tinged pink. Great. She didn't want to give anyone the impression she couldn't cope - for God's sake - she could. She had incompetencies that she knew of, but it didn't mean she had to parade them in front of all public eye.
'Jonah!' She hissed, which stunned her colleagues into silence. Lily immediately felt bad. He was two, a baby. It looked like an obvious overreaction? Or did it?
Her head felt like it was about to explode. Second-guessing herself wasn't exactly a new thing ever since she'd been propelled into the lonely life she had to become accustomed to. A few people looked awkward as they pretended to busy themselves with documents. Lily had to smooth it over. Too concerned on public image, she didn't notice when the toddler's lip started to jut out and wobble.
All at once, she remembered it was his 2nd birthday yet she'd dragged him to a strange place, alien to the both of them really, and shouted at him in public when he just wanted her attention. She felt like a monster.
'Sorry, darling. It is okay, I am here.' She scooped him up now, and his tiny hands clung to her back. She looked back up to meet the eyes of the observers. Louise looked lost for words.
'Never thought you'd have a kid.' She just commented, with a raise of the eyebrow.
'Me neither.' Lily muttered, but not too loudly so that they'd all hear.
'Is the father still on the scene then?' Louise asked. Lily at once got the impression she was only looking for gossip. Louise always had that vibe about her though. Still, the answer to the question wasn't necessary so Lily kept her mouth shut.
'Well, is he?' Louise snapped her out of her thoughts. Ironic. He was still on the scene, technically. In the sense of the phrase though, he wasn't.
'No.' Lily breathed a sigh. The one word felt like a betrayal to him, even though, deep down, she knew he didn't deserve any kind of recognition. He didn't even know about Jonah. He didn't need to; things were easy while ever he was ignorant to the matter.
'Ah. His loss, Lil. He's well cute.' Louise smiled, craning her neck to see the child's face. Lily just gave a small smile politely. It wasn't why she'd gone to Holby, to make small talk. To be fair to Louise, she could see it. He was a lovely little boy. It made all the days she felt she was failing as a mother well and truly worth it.
Ethan turned the corner, briefcase in hand, and planted a kiss on Alicia's cheek before doing anything else. Lily smiled to herself as her presumptions were confirmed.
'Lily! It's.. great to see you!' Ethan looked puzzled yet happy, as his eyes moved from Lily to the child in her arms.
'Good to see you too.' Lily nodded.
'Why did you come back?' Ah. The million dollar question. Again, it didn't need an answer. Ethan's face, expectant yet patient while he waited for a response.
'Work, I-I need to speak to Mrs Beauchamp about something. If she's still here?' Lily's voice wavered, uncertain.
Ethan just nodded. 'Same office as ever. Would you like me to take little one while you speak to her?' He asked.
Lily just gave a small shake of the head. 'I'm fine, thanks. He'll be good.' She said, perhaps just voicing her hopes. In Jonah's two short years of life, she had never left him with anyone but her next-door neighbour - and only when she absolutely had to. She wasn't about to leave him, even for ten minutes, with Ethan. Old friend or not. Her son was all she had.
'Okay. Good luck. It's.. well, it's nice to see you.' Ethan nodded.
Lily observed how he seemed to be feeling better, in spite of everything that had happened years before. The pain had gone from his eyes, and from the simple interaction, she could tell he was cheerier. She gave them all a small smile as she departed the reception area, and started to walk towards her ex-boss' office. Noted, the last time her feet had walked over the patent flooring, they were strapped into high heels. Now, they were in trainers. It felt like a downgrade. It was.
-x-
'I... just can't quite believe it Lily. When you went off the radar, well... naturally we all just assumed you were starting afresh. I guess you... were.' Connie shook her head as she spoke, clearly dazed.
'Being a mother changes things, I suppose,' Lily looked down, if a little sadly. She thought of her own mother, despite feeling very sure that she wouldn't be thinking of her. 'How is Grace?' She added, as a little afterthought.
'Grace? Well... she's 14, now. Still has her epilepsy, still secretly blames me. We don't really talk about that, I don't suppose. She has a boyfriend, she's studying for her GCSEs. Wants to go into law. She let me in.' Connie nodded. Lily nodded too. She still thought of Grace to be the ten year-old who miraculously recovered from the helicopter crash. Of course things had changed though.
'Does she live with Mr Strachan still?' Lily asked, if a little tactlessly.
Connie let out a short laugh. 'Sam? Um... yes. And so do I.'
'Oh...' Lily said. That was all she could say. 'That is lovely. I am glad things worked out for you.'
Connie just nodded back. She definitely appeared to be more content, from what Lily could gather.
'What about this little tyke then?' Connie smiled as Lily pulled her son from round her neck and sat him on her lap.
'This is Jonah. He's two... today, actually. He's lovely. Very smart, though perhaps that is natural, for a mother to be biased.' Lily smoothed her son's wavy hair down so it sat against his head again. The child leaned across the desk, playing with a stress toy shaped like a brain that he'd found. Connie just continued to smile, not probing about the father as Louise had done.
'Hello, Jonah.' She said, and looked from the toddler to Lily. 'He's like you.' She said.
Lily bit her tongue. She didn't really see it. Physically, he looked like her child. His gestures though, actions, personality, laugh. The way his eyelids fluttered seconds before he fell asleep. The way he had always been like a human dustbin, shoving anything and everything into his mouth from the moment he discovered where his mouth was. That... that wasn't her at all. That was-
'How will you access childcare, should you resume your position here?' Connie's questioning rudely pulled Lily out of her thoughts.
'Nursery. I've done some research on good ones.' Lily told her. 'That, or a nanny.'
Connie just nodded with what appeared to be a small smirk on her face. 'And you'll be willing to leave him?'
Lily's stomach sank. No, of course she wasn't willing. She was scared.
'I... I need the money.'
Connie just nodded, and Lily felt as if she wasn't taking her seriously enough. 'My heart is in it as well... I have missed being a doctor. Missed making that difference.' Lily heard the words as they came out her mouth. They sounded slightly false, yet Mrs Beauchamp seemed to be convinced and just gave her a nod.
'Okay. Obviously we have to interview candidates formally and follow the protocols for doing so, but as far as I'm concerned, you have simply been on extended maternity leave. Therefore I'm happy to offer you a starting date for the position of registrar in emergency medicine. This Monday?' Connie asked.
Lily was slightly taken aback. Of course, she'd gone for work. It just felt incredibly soon. She mentally berated herself then; she was so lucky to even be offered a position. She must accept.
'Yes, yes, thank you. What time?' Lily asked, prising her son's sticky fingers from over her mouth so that she could talk properly.
'Mama no!' He shouted, furious at being ignored. Lily tuned it out. This was important. This was her career and it was about to start again. No more working at the pub, unsociable hours, just to make ends meet. No more sacrificing her dignity by dealing with sleazy men who leered at her from the bar. No more doing something she hated, just so that she could afford washing powder or a pint of milk. Actually doing something she enjoyed. She had to ask the right questions and go through the motions in the right way - she was being offered a job. If she paid attention to her son, Connie would either think she wasn't overly fussed, or she simply wasn't ready for work. Or both. She couldn't let that happen.
'Whenever is most convenient, Lily. 9? I tell you what... email me Sunday. Or call. Do you still have my number?' Connie asked.
Lily just shook her head. She'd deleted everyone's contact details when she was at her lowest point, about halfway through her pregnancy. She remembered it clearly, despite all the tears and alcohol (that she knew she definitely shouldn't have been drinking). Back then, she believed she didn't anyone. Pressing the delete button numbed the pain at the time, ironically, that's what caused her the most pain in the long run. Being so cut off.
Connie scribbled down a number on a piece of paper and passed it to Lily.
'Call any time. Okay?' Connie nodded, standing up and opening the door. Lily smiled gratefully and gave a small nod, taking her son by the wrist.
'Oh, and Lily?' Connie leaned out into the corridor.
Lily turned round.
'It's lovely to have you back.'
-x-
The huddle of staff seemed to have dispersed in the short time that Lily was speaking with Connie. She spotted David in the distance, busy helping a patient that had fallen to the ground. She wanted to rush over and help, but she couldn't. As far as rules were concerned, she was a stranger. All things considered, she would be the worst kind of hypocrite since she lived by the rules in every wake of her life.
'What have we got?' Lily faintly heard Alicia's voice in the distance, presumably gathering patient details from paramedics.
Someone replied to her, a voice she didn't recognise. Probably someone new.
Lily scooped up her son over one arm, bag over the other, and slipped past them, stepping into the car park. The fresh air was welcome and helped her think clearly again. Her eyes scanned the vicinity all the same. Things had changed, sure. She still wondered about him though. Where was he now, three years after?
'Lily.'
His voice had no hint of questioning to it. He said her name more as if it were fact. As if, although it was a surprise, he wasn't in any doubt.
In the most blatantly obvious sense of the question she'd just mused over, she received her answer a lot sooner than she thought. The pavement seemed to be pulled from beneath her feet as her legs turned to jelly. They didn't feel like her own. Nothing felt real. How could it?
She turned around, slowly, trusting yet distrusting her ears all at the same time.
If she hadn't known better, she would've believed it to be a dream. She knew it was not, for his eyes bore through her in a way that was certainly not dreamt. His facial expression as he looked from the woman he once knew to the baby in her arms, definitely could not have been conjured up by the mind.
Her voice was barely even a whisper. 'Iain.'