Now That He's Back :)
I sometimes wonder what life was like before him, because now he is all I see. The things that I feel for him are unexplainable and to think of a life without him is just not an option for me. I've never really been good at this relationship lark, maybe it's because I've never really loved anyone before, or at least not in the way that I should, not in the way that I love him. He makes it easy to love him and although it's taken me a while to man up, everything we share together feels natural. See he gets me, he knows what I'm like, what makes me tick, yet he is still here by my side and still loving me back. That makes me the luckiest man alive. I thought that with my Da back it would be the end of us, that I would do or say something that he wouldn't be able to forgive me for, but we seem to have survived it…so far. I've opened up to him a little more I guess; let him see that behind the confident face of Brendan Brady, there's really a frightened little boy and I know he understands that.
I feel happy with him and I don't usually do happy, I always believed that I was too damaged, just a silly little queer who never deserved any happiness. I wonder what life I might have had if things were different when I was growing up, if I'd had a normal Da and an average childhood I could have been so much more. Thankfully Steven never gave up on me, he could see what no one else could ever see and he is the reason that I'm standing here today being proud of the man I have become. I think of how I used to treat him, how I would hit him just because he wanted me or touched me first or even looked at me in the wrong way. I think of all the pain I caused him and I wonder why he is still willing to be there, to support me…to love me. I thank god for him every day. I just want to make the most of him, we have a lot of catching up to do, but certain people keep getting in the way.
We should have stayed in Dublin; everything was perfect. I felt like I could tell him anything. I don't think I've ever felt such strong intense feelings as I did when he kissed me on that bridge. To feel those Lips on mine again really was out of this world. I guess I just never imagined he would give up everything for me, not after all the rejection I gave him. Maybe moving away is the answer, too many things have happened here and people can't help but stick their noses in our relationship. Now Chez has Da she doesn't need me and as long as I have Steven I don't need anyone else. My boys hate me so I don't even need to worry about them anymore, although I always will anyway. I've just accepted that they are better off without me. We could start anew somewhere…anywhere as long as it's far away from here, it would be like Dublin every day. He was willing to move to America with Douglas, I'm sure that he'd move for me. I'd follow him anywhere; I just hope he feels the same way that I do. He has the power to completely break me.
I have always been the one in control; I'm not used to this role reversal shit, I need him so much more than he needs me and he doesn't even know it, but then maybe that's a good thing. He gave up everything for me; he flew to Dublin to be with me, so why do I doubt him? Why don't I feel that he is as committed to me as I am to him? He told me that he wasn't going to give up on me, I want to believe him I really do, but something inside of me doesn't. Maybe it's just paranoia…something else that I've acquired since we got back together. Or maybe I'm just scared that now I've finally opened up to him that he won't feel the same about me. Douglas being back has nothing to do with all these new found feelings, I think I just need some reassurance from him and to keep telling myself that it's me he loves and that it always has been. I won't let these stupid insecurities get the better of me, if I do then its game over for us and like I've said before that is no longer an option.
So why were Steven's arms wrapped around him, I know how much Douglas loves him. I know that he thinks that he still has a chance and I know that he will do all he can to get him back. I know because if I was him I would do the same. Steven is like a drug…once he gets inside you, he takes over and there's no going back. He's addictive and leaves you wanting more, you'd do anything to have him and everything to keep him. Douglas and I aren't so different after all. But seeing them hold each other made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach and for the first time ever I didn't think of violence. Instead I felt scared, I mean what if I lose him? I can't lose him again; I would never get over it. Steven loves me; I know that, but what if he decides he's made a mistake? And what if he chooses to love him more? Then it's all over for us. I wish I could feel secure, I wish there weren't so many obstacles between us and I wish I could stop having all these doubts, but I can't help it; now that he's back.
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