Dear Carlos,
This is supposed to help me get my feelings out. It's been a year since you died. Three hundred sixty five days since you left all of us behind and flew up to heaven. Everyone has already grieved and moved on with their lives. I can't though. I feel like it's my fault that you died. It's like there is a knife stuck between my ribcage, just at the edge of my heart. And everytime my heart beats it cuts into me. Never enough to kill me, just constantly providing pain. It's horrible. I miss you like crazy, and i feel bad that I caused your death.
Let's start from the beginning, the day we met. My family had just moved to Minnesota from Texas. We were both five years old. I begged my mom to take me to the park and she reluctantly agreed. So there I was sitting in the sandbox making castles and such when two bigger boys came up and kicked the castle I was making over. They stood there with their arms crossed. All of the sudden there's a loud growl and I see a little tan shape fly into one of the boys stomachs. Instantly the shape rammed into the other boy and they both got up, terrified, and ran away. You stood up, brushed off your shirt and said, "Hi, I'm Cawlos." I knew there was something special about you from that instant on. I replied, "I'm Logan." You smiled and gave me a big tackle-hug then said, "You're my best fwiend now." I just smiled, happy that I had already made a friend.
Fast forward to when we fourteen, you had that date with that girl whose name we could never remember. I remember helping you get ready for it. Three hours later, I heard a knock on my door. It was you. You were dying to tell me something. I had you come in and we went straight up to my room. You told me how you two went to the theater and she wanted to make out but you were too into the movie. Then you told me how after dinner she pushed you out into the alley and told you she wanted you to have sex with her. When you refused she started calling you names and so you just started laughing and walking to my house. We laughed for an hour at how desperate she was.
I can still remember helping you get ready for a ton of your dates both in Minnesota, and California. You were so excited when brunette Jennifer said yes when you asked her to Prom. I remember helping you through all of your break ups and heart breaks. I realized I had feelings for you sometime aroud sixteen. I felt that I liked you more than I should. I kept t to myself though, hoping that it would go away.
But it didn't. It grew and grew and turned into love. That's what I wanted to tell you so badly that day. The day you died. If I had came and picked you up, after calling you and telling you to meet me for coffee, you would've never been hit. I should of came and got you instead of making you walk alone in the pouring rain. But no, I didn't. I let you walk there and get hit, right in front of me. Carlos, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that your life ended before you got to do anything. Sorry that you went through all that pain. It's all my fault. All because I wanted to tell you that I was in love with you. I still am, and it's so hard to be here without you. Everyday is a struggle for me to get up and live my life knowing that because of me, you can't. I hope that when we meet again in heaven, you can forgive me. Because until that day comes, I won't be able to ever forgive myself.
I miss you. Love,
Logan.