Dark was the night
"He's right in there" my intern pointed me into the direction of a room I couldn't stand being near, let alone be inside of.
My name's Dr. Sam Puckett-Benson. Shocked that I'm a doctor? Quite frankly, so am I. Even more shocked that I married Freddie Benson? I bet so. He's actually the reason I'm in navy blue scrubs right now. To make a long story short, I really buckled down to study for my SAT's. Benson helped, of course. So did Carly, who's also a surgeon at the hospital along with Freddie and I. Well, now it's just me.
We all packed and were off to medical school by the time we graduated our universities. I kept up my studies, with Freddie's help. He and I got hitched a mile outside of Seattle our intern year. It was quite a stupid thing to do, an impulsive thing, but we didn't care. We were two stupid kids in love.
The year before we became attendings, Freddie was diagnosed by a cardiothoracic surgeon at the hopsital with Von Hippel–Lindau disease, a rare, autosomal dominant genetic condition in which hemangioblastomas are found in the cerebellum, spinal cord, kidney and retina. We were both crushed. I'll never forget the day we found out the horrid news.
Dr. Chambers, our chief, came in and personally told us what he found.
"He might only have a short time to live. Unfortunately, that means he'll have to be let go from working in this hospital. Today's your last day" The grim look he gave us from across his desk told us that he didn't do this very often, and hated doing so. Freddie's hand rested limply on the armrest. I cupped his hand with my own.
"How long? How much longer will I…live?" Freddie spoke fast and winded, as if the sentence was a poison to his body he was trying to get rid of.
Chambers shifted in his chair uncomfotably. "We're looking at you living less than a year"
I closed my eyes in hopes to wake up. I did this for about a minute before I felt Freddie's hand tapping mine in a rhythmic motion.
"Well, I guess I have lots of places to visit, lots of people to meet, and lots of sex to have" He joked, looking over at me. I couldn't help but laugh along as his smile met mine. Chambers even smiled for the first time during this visit. We were dismissed.
"Since it's my last day, maybe I'll get to do something cool like separate conjoined twins or delivers twins that have different dads."
I pushed Freddie into the wall of the hospital where no one was around. Some things never change. The very next second, I grabbed him and kissed him against the wall.
Man, I'll miss that.
…
Freddie went in and out of the hospital for surgery for the next handful of months. Every surgery I'd get sick over worrying about him, and he'd turn out just fine.
His last surgery was a few months ago, a very good sign. Maybe he could live a little more than a year. Any extra time I could get was good.
My hopes were crushed when I came home to discover my husband vomiting up chunky blood into a bucket.
"Freddie!" I cried, running towards him. He looked up at me, helplessly. "It's ok, baby. I'll take you to the hospital.
The drive there actually went by in a flash. The other doctor's took over action as I sat like a potato in the waiting room. Dr. Chambers, once again, seeked me personally.
"He seems to have another hemangioblastoma near his chest cavity. We're going to have to do surgery."
"I'll do it!"
"No you won't, you'll sit here until we're done or you get a page to be a doctor yourself."
My beeper went off. I looked down to see '911' sweeping across the screen. "Fine, but…have Carly do it. Don't tell her who it is, just have her do it. I have a 911."
"Fine" As the chief walked away, he kept shaking his head at my hard headedness. If only he knew how much Freddie meant to me. My beeper went off again. I hauled down the hallway, getting Freddie out of my mind to focus on my next patient.
My patient required surgery, so I had to go into the OR. I was left to worry about Freddie, but Carly had this down pat. She knew what to do in any situation that was given to her. Someone came in to give me an update on Freddie while I was almost elbow-deep in someone's chest.
"He's doing well."
Phew!
"Good, can you give me another update in an hour or so?"
"Sure"
I had a resident stitch up my patient as I charged down the hallway to see Freddie, bumping into Carly on the way.
"Hey! How's my hubby doing? I heard the surgery went great"
Carly wore the same smile Dr. Chambers did the day he told us about Freddie's disease. "Carls?"
"Sam…I'm sorry."
"Sorry? About what?"
"He's gone. Freddie, he was much worse than we intended. We had to open him up. Sam….I'm so sorry."
"No…no, he can't be…I was told."
"We didn't want to affect you like that during surgery."
I sighed. My heart felt as though it stopped. My world stopped spinning. My eyes closed. She did have a good point. If I'd heard this in surgery, another person would've lost their life tonight.
"Say it."
"What?"
"I need to hear it. I need to hear that he died. That's the first thing we say to the patient's family, and now I see why. It never sits in that the person that they're there for died, unless we tell them, so I need to hear you say it…" Silence. "Dr. Shay!"
"…Freddie is dead…"
…
We're right back to where we started, me staring into the room where my husband's corpse was laying underneath a white sheet. I drew in a sharp breath and clamped my eyes so tight I was sure that they'd snap. The room felt below absolute zero, even though my chest area was flaring with flames. The lumps outlining the sheet had me shudder and jump back an inch or so. Nevertheless, I pattered forward. A stool with wheels was sitting by the bed, so I sat in it. I outlined the bumps of the sheet with my finger before drawing back the sheet.
I gasped at the sight. A ghost of his former self, almost completely white and transparent, the kid I teased, harassed, hated, and loved all these years was no more. He was just a body on a table. The shivering feel of the emotions when his death was announced to me, the tears I never cried came flooding out, uncontrollable as if a dam had exploded.
I halfway expected Freddie to hold me, tell me it'd all be ok, and shush me until I fell asleep. Touching his skin, it was ice cold to the touch. His hair still had the look and feeling of life in it as I raced my fingers through it.
"Freddie, without you…I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be the widow in the waiting room that worked as a waitress 'cause she was never good in school. After all the years you cracked down on me, forcing me to study and actually do good in school, I'm allowed to sit here with you in these scrubs. I was allowed to be with you every second of everyday that you were slowly fading away. You are the reason I'm even half the doctor I am today. You taught me how to love, what love is, and how to love someone else. I don't even think I'd be alive if it weren't for you."
My tears stained the sheet and made them a little darker; his face still frozen solid. My tears came to a freezing halt as if the temperature in the room was now freezing them to my face. It was painful to cry now.
"And now…you're on a table…not breathing, not telling me it'll be ok. When will it be ok? I know they….did…everything….they could" my sentences were now breaking apart, similarly to my heart.
"But….how could you…I loved you…the last…thing…I said…was…'see you soon'….but….not like this…never like this…I love you." I kissed the top of his forehead gingerly and put the sheet back over his head.
The lights dimmed in the room and the sound of my footsteps faded with each step forward. The breaking down of a widow was heard seconds later, as the rest of the doctor's and friends I had consoled me, I had to find out why he died, not from the doctors, I knew why he died, he didn't have enough blood to live.
But God never gave me an answer, so, God…why?