Hello, hope you enjoy this one-shot and my dry attempt at humor.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, unfortunately. If I did, Sakura would've been more badass and would've had more screen time.
"I already have someone I like, stop pestering me," Sasuke finally snapped one day, shocking his parents.
"You do?" Mikoto asked, surprised that her quiet son would let anyone approach him, especially after that incident, which he thought no one knew about. "Since when?"
"Since I was a prepubescent teen," Sasuke hissed in annoyance, recoiling slightly when his mother's eyes narrowed at his tone.
"Then I'd like to meet this special someone, bring her here," Fugaku spoke up, sipping at his tea.
Both adults missed Sasuke's twitching brow. This wasn't going to end well.
Fugaku stared.
"So you're the one my son was talking about."
Green eyes sparkled in amusement and the pink haired youth bowed at the Uchiha clan head before sitting down at Sasuke's side.
"Haruno Sakura."
"How did you meet my son, Haruno-san?"
"We were in the same class at the Academy."
"Oh?" Fugaku inquired. "You're a clan child?"
"Yes."
Fugaku glanced at his quiet son.
"And my son stayed in touch with you?"
"Of course. It would be hard not to; we're on the same team, after all."
Fugaku scowled. The same team? But Team Seven was the only team with all males...
"You're a male?" Fugaku's scowl deepened. "Unacceptable. I won't let my heir be married off to some clan I've never heard of before, and especially not to someone of the same sex."
Fugaku refused to think of the implications. Especially after Itachi had run off to get away from his own kin. What would the elders do if they found out that the only heir to the clan was in a relationship with another male? It would be a scandal even worse than the one with Itachi. Why, they'd all suffer from cardiac arrest and finally die...
Fugaku's eyes narrowed in thought as he stared at his scowling son and the still smiling Haruno beside him. The boy wasn't ugly per se, quite handsome, in his own way, with his oddly colored hair and jade eyes. He wasn't an Uchiha, but he was passable enough. Fugaku thought so, at the very least. The boy was a refreshing sight. The elders, on the other hand, definitely wouldn't be able to accept the coloring, they'd sooner choke on their own tongues trying to out-scream each other about blood purity and try to get their protests heard before that ever happened.
But if this was somehow the ticket to get rid of those meddlesome fools, and especially his mother-in-law — that damn insufferable woman — then he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
"Fine," he grumbled. "I accept your relationship."
No sooner had he said that before loud footsteps could be heard approaching the house and the door to the room they were situated in slid open to reveal Shisui. If his out of character entrance hadn't alerted Fugaku that something was wrong; the panic in his eyes did.
"Fugaku-sama," the man gasped, bracing himself against the door. "It's the council elders; all of them suddenly suffered from heart attacks!"
"All of them?" Mikoto asked from where she sat next to her husband, hand over her mouth in shock.
Hope grew in Fugaku's heart as his eyes lit up.
Mikoto, however, stood up in panic as the news really sunk in. "What about my mother?"
"Oh, not her, she's fine."
Mikoto sighed in relief and Fugaku frowned.
If that old bat didn't die from the news then he's not risking going heirless.
"Forget it, I don't approve anymore. I need heirs, and clearly you can't provide me with any."
Another Uchiha burst into the room. "It's okay! It was a false alarm, they're all okay."
What? Surely it was a coincidence, right?
"Or maybe not, Sasuke should, after all, be free to choose whomever he pleases," Fugaku said slowly, eyes darting to the open door, not disappointed when another Uchiha clansman ran up behind the other two males already there.
"They all suffered another bout of heart attacks!"
"My mother?" Mikoto asked again, agitated.
"No, no. She's strangely all right."
Mikoto sighed in relief again, sitting down.
Fugaku's eyes narrowed. "You both will marry within six months," he stated firmly.
Another Uchiha clansman joined the fray. "Mikoto-sama! It's your mother! She choked on a piece of meat! She can't breathe!"
Mikoto stood up again and ran out of the house to get to her suffocating mother, the Uchiha who had delivered the news going with her and returning shortly after to reassure them all that the old woman had survived.
Fugaku clenched his teeth. Not if he had any say in this matter.
"I changed my mind. You marry in two months time and all of Konoha is invited. Heck, let other shinobi and civilians from other villages come. While we're at it, why not invite Itachi back too?"
An Uchiha woman came running in a minute later. "All the Uchiha elders are dead!"
Fugaku smirked. "On second thought, I can't allow this marriage after all."
"It's a miracle! They're all alive!" someone yelled from the outside.
"Just kidding; let's get married."
"False alarm! Their bodies just twitched!"
Sasuke closed his eyes and took a deep breath as Sakura stood from his place and walked over to sit closer to Fugaku.
"I come from a very old clan, Uchiha-sama, and there are no women in my clan. We have always been, and always will be a clan of males."
Fugaku scowled, which was his default expression, really. "Then how...?"
"Every clan has their secret, and I can assure you that as heir of the Haruno clan, I have more than power enough to make it happen. I'll be giving you the most perfect heir there will ever be."
With that, Sakura stood up again, and this time Sasuke followed.
"It was a pleasure meeting you, Uchiha-sama."
"Please," Fugaku said, barely able to contain his joy at the happenings of the hour, ignoring the muffled cries coming from outside. "Call me Father."
The moment his son and son-in-law left, Fugaku hurried over to the pond in the garden where Mikoto hid her expensive sake and thought he didn't know. He couldn't wait to join in on the celebrations. Maybe now that there were no old codgers to bother him and badger him about his every decision and criticizing him at every turn, the other Clan Heads would finally invite him to one of their famous monthly get-togethers which were also dubbed the 'Complaining-About-My-Clansmen-To-My-Fellow-Clan-Heads' night. He'd heard famous shit went down once Hiashi and Tsume got drunk enough.
Fugaku suppressed a giddy giggle and followed the merry cheering to the right, ignoring the depressed wailing on his left.
Sasuke left the Uchiha compound with wide eyes, trying to block out the noise behind him. Never before had he seen his father so happy before and with such a big smile stretching across his face. It was downright terrifying. That man was not made for smiling.
Sakura bumped his shoulder against Sasuke's, effectively pulling the dark haired shinobi out of his thoughts. "That went well, don't you think?"
Sasuke managed a half-hearted shrug in return. He had a feeling things wouldn't be quite so easy on the road they had ahead of them. He still hadn't told his parents about… that incident. Well, whatever, as long as Naruto kept his mouth shut, no one had to know.
"Let's go eat, the Dobe's probably already at Ichiraku's."
"Speaking of Naruto, when do you think we should tell them that this isn't exactly a two-way relationship?"
Edited some things and added a few more. Hopefully I won't ever look at this fic again and will thus not be tempted to fix anything else.
Thanks for reading though, and thanks for all the favs and reviews!