A/N: I know the Way they Were still doesn't have an ending, and its been months. But I'm working on it.
Really I shouldn't have been writing this considering I have a 15 page to do and finals to study for, but once I started I couldn't stop. This is AU in the sense that everything up to Season 4 happened, after that not so much...
As always any type of review/criticism is always appreciated. :-)
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ll You're always bound to fall
there's nothing you can do. ll
Life can suck sometimes. (Or all the time.)
She wouldn't call herself depressed, or even unhappy, she's just not happy, happy.
If she's being honest, she has been feeling like this for a while now.
She thinks maybe it might be because of her career-or lack of one. When she was in high school, she had such high hopes and dreams. Her belief in herself, and her art, and music was so vast and inspiring she thought (and a certain someone used to remind her) she was meant to do great things. But she's not.
Its been just over a year since she started, but she still just works in the mailroom at a small record label that half the time no one has even heard of. She deals with junior execs who don't even know a tenth of what she does, and her boss is such a arrogant jackass, it takes all her strength not to use her fist to display just how frustrating he makes her.
But really, it more then just her job.
Her lack of happiness has a lot to do with the fact that after every god damn day of work (ok, she's admitting it, she hates her job) she goes home to an empty apartment, and she deals with the fact that she's the one who chooses to have it this way. Empty.
She knows its kind of ridiculous to think about it that way, because not too long ago she liked it that way. She spent most of her childhood alone. Without a mother (since she was eight), and with a father who was never around. She was pretty much left to own devices.
She came and went as she pleased, and never had to worry about anyone waiting up for her, because there was no one there to wait. She listened to her music loudly and frequently (pretty much all the time) because there was no one to complain about it. She had people over anytime, for whatever reason-like boys with little babies to care for-because no one was ever there to be bothered by it. And she could paint her bedroom walls red and put pictures up with flaming hearts and stoplights, or paint a huge scary bull dog because there was no one there to question her choices-or at the very least ask her why it was so important to change her room so much.
So, yeah maybe that wasn't the best setup a teenage girl could have, but she did the best with what she had.
But then things changed. Someone changed things.
She knows that technically the first time they ever spoke to each other was by the river that day her car broke down, but she still considers their first encounter-that night not long before that when she nearly hit him with her car-the moment that changed it all for her.
Because after that it stopped being just her.
Somewhere along the way, he insert himself into her life, in some capacity or another.
At first, he was just a friend-or her boyfriend's half brother who knew her far better then her boyfriend ever did. He was someone, who without even trying, could see right through her, someone who-even way back then-she thought she could love. Then after being with him (does a few kisses at his dad's house before she got too scared, count as anything?), and then her best friend being with him, he became her boyfriend. Well sort of... at least long enough for her heart to be certain that she loved him.
But because of all that back and forth and a girl named Nikki, he became the boy she hated. Ok, she could never hate him but for a while she really didn't like his choices. Because he'd turned into a boy she couldn't entirely trust, no matter how much she still loved him. A boy who couldn't decided what he wanted-who he wanted-and then it all seemed like it was too late.
Then some how-she still doesn't know how-after a lot of time and people in between them, (her best friend in between them) he became her friend again.
(A friend she secretly was in love with).
Well to bring it full circle, he-inevitable as all they're friends had said-turned into the boy she loved, had always loved; the guy she promised to love forever.
But given all the labels she had had for him over the years, it was understood that things hadn't been easy for them.
For a long time, she either didn't fight enough or she fought too much for things to work out, and so they didn't.
It took a lot of things to finally bring them together.
Things that were entirely out of their control, and if anthing should have been the exact reasons why they shouldn't have worked. (she wouldn't say it out loud, but she call's that fate.)
But somehow they did get it right. For the most part.
Because they maybe together now, and they both love each other completely, but she's still going home to an empty apartment every night.
And yeah she may have made it this way, she's the who left (he didn't stop her, and eventually he left too) but it doesn't change how much it hurts to be away from him. And damn does it hurt. At first she tried to convince herself that it was for all the right reasons, that they had to go out in the world so they could follow their dreams. It just so happened that those dreams were leading them in different directions. But she assumed they had to make a path for themselves, and eventually after they both got it together, it would all lead back to each other.
At least that's what she thought before everything changed.
Before she decided to stay in L.A. permanently. Before it got hectic with her work and his class and practice schedules and it made it impossible for them to have a conversation that was more then 10 minutes a day-if they ever got to speak to each other at all.
Before obligations that were pushing them from each other and missed chances to talk about what they were both feeling because neither wanted to bring up the fact that things aren't working the way they should any more.
And just so much uncertainty about what they are to each other, who they've become, and where they go from here.
Now she's starting to think that they won't ever find their way back to each other because they're both going in the wrong direction. Away from each other.
Ok so its more then the job, and its more then just the empty apartment.
Its because she's in this horrible city, and not in the town, (no matter what it's home) she wants to be living in.
It's because she's around people who are nice enough, but they're not her people. Not the friends who were there when she was the sad girl who sat under bridges, or let her bitch at them when she was having a bad day or who would sit and have root beer floats with her when she needed to think. The friends, who are her family too.
It's because she's not with the boy who is always on her mind even when he's thousands of miles away. The boy who saved her more times than she can count. The one she just knows will always be in her heart.
Really, its because all of these reasons have added up now and its making her realize just how much she doesn't recognize herself anymore. How much things have ended up entirely different then what she had hoped for.
It might have taken her awhile to realize that-it still astonishes her that she has been living in this dreadful city for over a year already-but its become a fact of life.
She doesn't like L.A. (It's got nothing on Tree Hill).
She doesn't fit in L.A. (She knows she fits with everyone back home).
And most important, L.A. doesn't have Lucas.
So what the hell is she still doing here?
Right because she's meant for great things. (A certain someone might of told her that once or twice and she was so in love she believed it).
Well She's not feeling all that great, and so how can someone do great things if they don't even feel it's possible anymore?
ll The weight of gravity begins
to pull you down again, So what are you to do now? ll
He hasn't told anybody this, but he sort of feels like he's sinking.
On the outside though no one can tell, he's made sure of it.
He's a freshmen in college and he gets A's in all his classes without really trying. He's one of the youngest assistant coaches around and his team is on their way to their division championship. He's still a dependable son, a great friend, and a good brother, and now a really awesome Uncle.
But he feels like none of those things really matter, at least not the way they're supposed to. He feels like it's just one big act that he's been pretending in for awhile. He doesn't know how it happened or why, but he's got a theory.
He just doesn't really want to admit to it.
Ok, Fine.
He knows that the only person, who after just seeing him for a moment in his new life would recognize how he feels is the one person who sort of has him feeling this way to begin with.
Peyton.
The girl he thinks he has been in love with since at least the eighth grade. When he was certain that one day Peyton Sawyer would become Peyton Scott. The girl who he's rescued so many times simply because there's just no way he could live his life without her in it.
But right now...
Right now they sort of are living without each other. Because he's here and she's there and their not with each other like they should be.
And when he thinks this, he reminds himself for what feels like the millionth time, that this is what they chose to do. Well, no that's not true. It kind of feels like the world chose for them. Her job-which he knows she is meant to be doing-had to be across the country. And he ended up at this school (as a coach and not a player) because his brother needed him. He knows it's a lot more complicated then that, like technically it was their choices and and decisions that helped get them to where they are now.
But no matter how he thinks about it, it always brings him back to square one, with him here, and her there, when all he really wants is for them to be in the same place. together.
He knows it's her. And he'll wait forever if he has to. (He just wishes he didn't have to).
Because now he realizes that he wants her with him when all his dreams come true, and when he wants her with him when they don't.
But she not and that's what's killing him.
ll Stuck between the hope and doubt,
You get so close to clarity makes you question Everything... ll
She tries to call him the night his team wins the game that will be sending them to their division championship. She had found the highlights from their playoff game online and as soon as she got off work she called to tell him how proud she was of him, and how exciting it all is, and to remind him just how much she loves him.
She got his voicemail.
She doesn't bother leaving a message. She knows that she should, that this game is a big deal to him, and she really does wants to tell him how amazing it all is.
But he's probably out celebrating with Nathan and Haley, excited and happy and living in the moment.
One of his dreams is coming true, she just really wishes she could be standing next to him when its happening. But she can't be right now, even if nothing seems more important then him and them.
ll You're so far away
So far away from me ll
He knows he was being the supportive boyfriend when he told her to take that job, (he still wonders everyday if she would of stayed if he asked her too). He will be the first to tell you that she was meant to do great things. And she is, really how could she not be?
She's smart and talented. Sarcastic and compassionate. Brave and kind. And just plain amazing. And more then that he wants her to have everything she wants. He just wishes that what she wanted didn't have to be so far away. (Or even better if all she wanted was just him.)
But there's more to it then that. Somewhere along the way things changed, and got complicated, and just really frustrating. He knew it wouldn't be easy, he just didn't expect it to be this hard. With a country between them, and her work and his school and coaching responsibilities, he knew that they were gonna have to work extra to get through.
He's not so sure if they've been working at it enough though.
Them as a couple just got lost in the shuffle of growing up and responsibility and change. Somehow it stopped being them against the world and it became them trying to stay together when the world got in the way.
They can survive all this stuff though, right? All the life stuff.
When he asks himself this, his heart tells him that there is no possible way that they can not make it though. They love each other and have been through so much and somehow they got through it. There's no way their story can not have a happy ending.
But his brain. Well that's telling him to just look at their history. Its not like things haven't happen to tear them apart before. It not like they haven't lost each other when things got too tough.
His brain tells him its not likes she here with him to prove his doubts wrong.
The next night when his team wins that division title, he knows its now or never. He will either prove his brain wrong and let all the doubt go. (He'd rather consider himself an idiot then lose her). Or it will go the other way.
And well, he would rather be an idiot then a heart broken idiot.
So he hops on a plane and takes a risk, with every intention that it's worth it. That she's worth it. He just hopes she feels the same way.
ll Is it starting to break,
Underneath my feet. You're so far away Am I just out of reach? ll
She's in the copy room, stuck doing things she would rather not be doing. She has a ton of stuff to do and the damn copier is jammed. Again. But besides all that, all she keeps thinking about is Lucas (He is sort of always on her mind) She wonders if he's wishing as much as she is if they could just be.
With no L.A. or label job or school or coaching in their way.
Then she get's a phone call, and it's him. She just has to smile. Maybe he was thinking of her like she was thinking of him.
"I've been trying to call you all morning. I watched the game highlights online. I wish I could have been there." She says regretting her decision to not at the very least leave a message.
"Yeah, me too. So uh, what are you wearing?" He says smirking. (She knows he is).
"Luke, I can't do that right now! I'm at work." She says shocked at his question.
"Well, I'm thinking the Pink Floyd T over the long sleeve white shirt, maybe those sexy jeans with the hole in the knee…" He says as he watches her.
"Wow, you are good." How the hell did he know that, she thinks.
"Yes, I am. Really good." He says as she turns around to see him standing there, with the grind she knew he was making throughout their call.
He looks amazing, his hair shorter then the last time she's seen him, his eyes just as sparkling blue as always. For half a second she sees the same boy that helped her by the side of the river all those years ago, but not quite. Because he looks just a little older now, in a good way though. He seems a little more filled out, confident and sure of himself, its definitely sexy-but its different. She can't really decide if that's a good or a bad thing.
" Luke! Hi! I can't believe you're here!" She's says totally stunt.
She can't believe it actually, it just doesn't feel real. That he came all the way to L.A. when his team just won their championship just to see her. Maybe all her doubt was wrong, maybe things aren't as bad at she thought. Because he's here. He came for her.
"Yeah, well since you couldn't come see me."
He doesn't say it as a accusation, but she sort of takes it that way. And her questioning about their future comes right back, even if she pushes it aside, because he's here. He came for her. That's the only thing that matters, right?
ll We keep talking in circles,
staring out with empty eyes. Wanting to be known again but so afraid of letting in. ll
He used to be the only the one who could read her. Who knew what she was thinking without even having to ask, but as they walk down the hall-her pushing a mail cart and him calling her on her less then demanding work- he doesn't notice just how much her words hurt her. She knows that delivering mail and taking lunch orders isn't exactly 'marketing and distribution' but doesn't he realize that she's here because of him?
Because of his belief and faith that she could make her dreams come true. Because he had told her so many times that she was meant for greatness. Well yeah, assistant to the assistant might not be the greatest, but it's a start.
"So when are you done here?" He asks as they make it to the end of the hall. He knows that this trip was a surprise and it might have been unfair to just pop up like this, especially cause it seems like her work-even if its less then what she explained-still takes up so much of her time.
"Well, we usually don't get out of here till around 9...but maybe I could get someone to cover for me. That is if you have time for me Lucas Scott?" She says coyly.
"I always have time for you." He whispers before he quickly kisses her.
"Well good."
"Good?"
"Good." She says with a wink. "Let me just make a call, ok?"
"Sure" He says as he gives her one more quick kiss, and then unbashfully checks her out as she walks away. God she's hot. And she's his.
So maybe this trip was irrational and things might still pretty uncertain with them, but being with her right now is the ultimate payoff. (It always has been). And that simple fact alone has him thinking that maybe it's not the world getting in the way, maybe it's them. Maybe they let things get complicated and it's gonna take this time together to remember just much they love each other and want to be together; even if she's here and he's not.
"If was tough, but…their letting me go by six so…" She says as she walks back to where he's standing.
Ok. Maybe it takes more then time (yes six is better then nine, but he's already counting the hours till he has to go back and they can do a lot in three hours) and hope and love. Maybe it takes a lot of work too. Understanding and patience. Compromise and commitment.
"That's Great." He comments, sounding as genuine as he can. He might have to wait, but at least their together. He'll take what he can get.
ll So do I leave it all to history?
Will you ever answer me ? Do you still recognize my voice or is it lost among the noise? ll
They make the most of their time together, which is not much. He might of just won a state championship-again- but he does have to get back to school by Monday, so they have a quick celebration/reunion before it's time for them to say bye again.
They spend their time during the day touring L.A. Peyton scores tickets to see NOFX at the Fox Theatre and when the band plays a certain song it brings them back to a certain day that only has them smiling and kissing just a little more then usual. They go to the Santa Monica Pier and she can only laugh when he wins her the biggest teddy bear she's ever seen by making 6 shots in a row at a basketball booth. She kisses him in thanks and he smirks when the guy running the booth says he's a natural.
Then at night, while at night when it's just the two of them back at her apartment they spend their time together wrapped up in each other. Its when they're alone and there's nothing in between them that has them both remembering why they work, and how much they love each other and why they really want someday to just, get here already.
Its when she's rest her head on his chest and can only hear his heart beat that reminds her why she promised to love his forever. And when she falls asleep and she's pressed so perfectly against him that he remembers that's its her and it always will be.
But there's a problem. Neither want to admit that things are different now.
Peyton doesn't want to admit that she noticed all the not subtle hints he's thrown out there about how much he wants her to come home. And Lucas doesn't bring up the fact that every time he mentions their future-in Tree Hill, where they both belong-she never really gives him an answer.
They did make a few promises though. They both promised to keep in touch more. Whether it be by phone, text, or email, they said they would somehow find a way to be more connected then before. He told her with summer coming he would have time to come visit more. And she all but guaranteed him she would visit him too. But that was as far as their commitment went.
That Sunday as they make it to the airport, they both realize that there's still a lot they've been avoiding. And as much as they enjoyed their time together, their really back at square one.
"Ok Blondie I think this is as far as you can go without a ticket.." He says as he pulls her close to him. He really wishes that she was coming too, wouldn't it be so much easier?
"I know, I know…" She says sadly as she gives him a quick peck on the lips.
"I'm gonna miss you Coach." she says playfully. Holding on to his shirt collar in away she always does.
"You have no idea.." He sighs as he grips her hips.
"Hey, you know I love you, right?" She says with a smile he's never really seen before. Like she's trying to assure herself too.
"I would hope so, you sort of promised forever, remember?" He says as she laughs.
"Exactly. So here this is for you." She says as she pulls out a CD for her bag. "Just in case you forget."
"I don't think that's possible, because I love you just as much." He takes the CD and smiles at her writing on the cover. Songs to make You think of Me.
"Good."
"Good?" He laughs as she winks at him.
"Yeah, Good." She whispers as she hugs him close and gives him once last kiss.
"I'll be seeing ya.." He whispers in her ear before he lets her go and makes her way through the crowd.
ll You're so far away,
so far away from me. Is it starting to break underneath my feet.. ll
As he's flying back, he listens to the mix she made him.
The one that has music that makes her think of him on it.
That thought alone has him torn. He loves that she equates him and their love to something that means so much to her. He knows how prominent music has been in her life, how important and meaningful it is. He's always loved to watch her as she listened to any one of the countless records she owns. The way her eyes close and head bobs along, the subtle smile that forms as she listens.
But he hates that it seems that she just might love music more then him.
At least that's the way he sees it, because she's still in L.A., willing to take such big risks to make it in the industry, but she's not willing to do the same for him, with him. He knows that technically he's never asked to.
They may have made promises to each other. When things were like before, and it was late nights at the river court and last minute road trips they would throw around words like forever and always and someday. But even though he meant them, and she meant them (he thinks she did), it was never official, it was never definite. There were no rings, or proposals, or weddings. Just Words.
Things are different now. They've changed and their circumstances aren't what they were, and nothing seems that easy anymore. He still means it all, he's just not so sure if that's means much now.
He's halfway through the CD, but can't finish listening to it. However much each song might feel like it was written for them, about them, he can't get the thought out of his head, that just maybe it doesn't matter what the lyrics and melodies are, or how amazing a riff might sound or how each chord progression is even more powerful then the last.
Because music is what's keeping her away. It's keeping them apart. At least that's what he tells him self.
It's a lot easier to believe, then thinking she is keeping herself in L.A. because he's not reason enough to come back.
ll You're so far away,
so far away from me ll
As she drove to work (yes its Sunday but she spent two days with her boyfriend and now has to play catch up) after dropping off Lucas at the airport all she kept thinking was it wasn't as hard saying goodbye this time then it was the time before last, even less then the time before that.
Of course she knew she would miss him, but with summer only a few months away he would have time to visit more so it wasn't nearly as bad letting go because the prospect of reuniting was so soon, but still. It didn't feel like before. Like her heart was so filled for love for him that it took everything in her to say bye.
She's not sure if that fact is a good or bad thing. Is its because they're mature and secure in their relationship saying goodbye doesn't feel as bad, or because she just feels less?
By the time she got to the office she still wasn't really sure which one it was.
ll While the world unravels,
we're kicking at shadows and everyone around us is making up chaos.. ll
When he gets home and he tells his brother and best friend where he went and who he went to see-it really doesn't surprise the couple-they half expect him to tell them that he's engaged to that girl, or better yet that that girl is coming home.
The couple know that its inevitable.
Those blondes have been living in a fairytale since the first time he rescued her by the river from car trouble. Of course they had gone through worse things along the way, things like shootings and stalkers. Death and loss. Things less intense, but real all the same. Love triangles and bad choices. Misunderstandings and near chances.
But if you asked Nathan and Haley, they had made it to the other side. Happily ever after nearly in reach.
Too bad Lucas doesn't say anything like that.
Instead of proposals or promises of reassurance, he says that they had a great few days together (which they did), and although it might still suck that they're apart, they are still as happy (most of the time) and in love as they have always been.
He doesn't mention that things might be different now. How things between them just felt off and forced and like it was too hard.
He tells the couple that he and his girl just need a little more time to chase their dreams and they're doing what they think is best, which is staying together-or as much as two people can be together when a country is literally separating them.
Neither his best friend or brother bring up the fact that he's an idiot for thinking its that simple.
Because the two know, that those two blondes can't really be happy, when they are still thousands of miles apart of each other.
That it's impossible for them to be chasing their dreams, when they're both chasing after the wrong things and not each other. And if they both don't realize it soon it might be too late to fix.
Because really, the only thing left standing in the way, is themselves.
ll oh, I cannot find you.
I'm walking like I'm blinded am I saying anything at all? ll
They start to work a little harder. Sort of. They both start putting more of an effort to talk at least once a day, even if its not for long. They start sending more emails and silly texts and never let each other forget how much they love the other.
But the work doesn't mean much because they aren't being honest with each other.
Because ever time she tells him she has to get back to work is another reason for him to hate her job a little more. And every time he tells her about his day and the cute things Jamie did and how beautiful Gilmore is in the Spring, she wishes she could be with him and then reminds herself why she's not. (It always comes back to his words, doesn't it?)
It's like their in limbo. Neither of them want to give up but they don't want to get hurt either. They don't really know where that leaves them.
A week before his classes let out for the summer and two weeks before his planned trip to L.A, He get's a call one day that he really never thought he'd get. It's his book, its being published.
And after the initial shock wears off and he's done talking to an editor, who is more then certain that his novel is nothing short then amazing, he knows the one person he wants to call first. The girl who had sent out his novel in the first place. The girl that the book was written about. The one he had promise he would love forever.
When he calls her to tell her, he gets her voicemail.
Congratulations. You Reached Peyton Sawyer.
It takes ever bit of ounce of patience not to get upset by that message. All he really wants is to share this with her, because she's really the only one who understands what it means. And the fact that she's not, not even on the phone, makes it really easy to not only resent and just plain despise her job (more then he already does), but her too.
Because she should be with him and not in L.A. She should be there to throw her arms around him and tell him how amazing this is. She should be, but she's not.
So then, does it even matter then?
With her not with him to experience it, is just feels a little less then what it should. He wonders what it might be like, if she wasn't a part of the equation. If they weren't together. Could he actually enjoy the moment if he didn't have to be missing her?
And even though a year ago he wouldn't even have fathom such a thought, now he's really starting to wonder, if he's here alone anyways, why are they fighting so hard to keep it together, when they're not really together anymore?
ll You're so far away
so far away from me ll
He finally reaches her two days later.
"Hey! I'm sorry, I know we promised to talk everyday, but things have been really crazy around here and-" She says rushed trying to explain to him that things have been so crazy because she doesn't work in the mail room anymore. She got a promotion and great things are happening (didn't he always say they would?) and she just wants to share it with him.
"Yeah well I can't really blame you, things have been really crazy here too and there's so much I've got to tell you." He throws in before she'd finish.
"Oh yeah? Well first let me just tell you, I got a promotion!" She says cheery.
"Wow, Peyton that's great. Wow..." He says not that enthusiastic. Really he can barley choke out the words. Because it's not great. Of course it's amazing that she's doing good, but that doesn't mean they're doing good. Cause this promotion is all but assuring him that they don't have a future. Cause she's there and he's here.
It kind of feels like they finally got to their breaking point.
"You don't sound like it's wow…" She says with a hint of accusation in her tone.
"What do you want me to say? That I'm happy that this means you won't be leaving L.A. anytime soon? That I'm glad I don't fit into your life anymore?" He says it, but he doesn't really mean it. Because he is really, really proud of her, but this just really sucks.
"Well, Thanks for the understanding." She says just above a whisper, knowing he hates it when she stays so calm when they argue.
"You know Lucas, I can't believe you…you're the one who told me that I was meant for greatness, you all but pushed to come her and told me over and over again that it would happen. And what now, you never thought it would actually happened?"
"I never said that!" He also hates when she turns his words against him.
"Listen ok, I'm just really tired of us being a part and I just thought that eventually you would figure out that you don't belong in L.A. and you would just come home.." He says pleading with her to understand his side.
"And so what you hoped I fail so I could back to Tree Hill and that would be that?" She can't believe it. All this time, all his words and promises.
"Of course I don't want you to fail. But come on Peyton you've worked in the mailroom for the last year. You produced two albums and booked so many bands right here in Tree Hill, is it so wrong of me to think that you could be doing more here?" He tries to explain.
"Ok, I know that Tree Hill is home to you, and I miss it sometimes, I do. But for me…Tree Hill is two dead moms, and a psycho stalker, and some really painful memories. You can't expect me to just be willing to jump on a plane and go back to a place where I've been hurt so many times.."
"Even if I'm here?" He questions.
"You know I think your being unreasonable right now. How do you expect me to just pack up and go back when I just told you that I got this big promotion and my career is finally going somewhere?"
She knows she's being stubborn, but nowhere did she hear him making any promises to consider. Why go back if they won't make it? It might make her a coward for not taking the chance, but can you blame her? They've been slowly growing a part and it's only been a year, how will they make it till forever?
It kills him that she doesn't even answer his question.
"So what are we doing then, Peyton? If your there, and I'm here. What are we doing?" He hopes she has a better answer then he does.
"I don't know. Maybe this-you and me-maybe we just need to take a break…" She says with tears in her eyes. She doesn't want a break but she knows they just can't take back all that's been said and all they've let go unsaid.
"Is that really what you want?" He asks, his voice breaking with remorse. He knows for damn sure that he doesn't want that, but he also knows you can't make someone love you as much as you love them if they don't want to.
"Luke, you know that I love you..." She says it in a shaky tone, but he knows it doesn't change what's just happened.
"By the way. My novel is being published… Good luck with the job. I guess we finally got what we always wanted." He says before he hangs up.
But no, she didn't get what she wanted. Because all she has ever really wanted is him.
ll Is it starting to break
underneath my feet? ll
Life can suck sometimes. (Or all the time.)
Somewhere between trying to focus on school and his family and losing the love of his life-even if he won't admit that she is, because then that would mean he's made such a huge mistake by letting her go-he starts to write another novel. He's half way done before he realizes it's about her. Or at least what he feels now that they're not together. It's about a boy and the sky. About a boy who spends his entire life waiting for something that would never comes back to him.
"It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again... And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart."
When he's nearly done he thinks it's time to get someone's opinion on his work, it might be complete garbage, and he's too blind to realize, because even if he didn't realize it-this is about her and he never could think straight when it came to her. After their break up-something that still feels so real and raw-things got a little dark. His whole act of pretending just stopped, because he just stopped caring.
His grades started to slip and luckily basketball season had ended because he didn't care much about plays and strategies. He stopped making an effort with everyone and everything, and he focused in on what he had lost and tried to figure out how it happened. Somehow all that thinking (and drinking, a lot of drinking actually) turned into a story about a boy and the sky, but really it's about a boy who loves a girl. About a boy who loses the girl.
When he shows the pages to Haley-she was his first editor after all-she doesn't come out and say what they're both thinking. That this book, like the one before, is about a girl who they both thought would be Peyton Scott one day.
"Oh, buddy." Haley whispers as she hugs him.
"Haley.." He says shaking his head. He doesn't want to talk about it. He knows that she knows what he's written is what he's feeling. So he doesn't want to talk about.
"Right." She says with a half hearted smile. "Come on, were calling Nathan. You guys can get drunk or something."
Lucas can only laugh. Haley's his best friend, of course she doesn't condemn him drinking away his problems, but right now that might bring him the only relief. They don't call Nathan though, instead they still in silence and both wonder about all the 'what ifs?'
"I miss her Hales.." He barley lets out. He doesn't have to say who her is. They both know.
"I know, I know…" She says as she rest her head on her shoulder.
He doesn't know what he's gonna do. It was hard living with her, but its so much harder living without her.
Why didn't he realize that before?
ll Is it set in stone
could someone tell me please?
Am I all alone?
Am I just out of reach? ll
-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.
TBC...
Song: "Out of Reach" By: Matthew Perryman Jones