A First Time Story

by tsutsuji

Frustrated that Break is so careless with his health, Liam is determined to make a point, if he can just manage to get Break's full attention. Well, there's one thing that might work. Liam x Break, yaoi

Title: A First Time Story

Fandom: Pandora Hearts

Pairing: Liam/Break

Date written: 10/4/09 and 2/5/12

Rating and warnings: M for mature audiences. There are two guys and some sex happens. Fluff-angst.

wordage: around 3000

Summary: Frustrated that Break is so careless with his health, Liam is determined to make a point, if he can just manage to get Break's full attention. (This would take place sometime after the opera house arc with Barma and before things get even more complicated in the PH world.)

~~~ a beginning ~~~

Break has returned from yet another Pandora mission, another fight with an illegal Contractor and a rogue Chain, and like so many other times, he's muddy and bloodstained and ready to collapse. Liam frets and Sharon scolds, and Break tries to shrug it off as if it's nothing when they gang up to send him to his room to rest. He flaps his hand at them and pouts and complains to Emily that they are being so unreasonable, but he goes.

Half an hour later, with a tray of tea and sandwiches balanced on one arm and the other hand raised to knock on Break's bedroom door, Liam pauses and braces himself - for what, he doesn't know.

"Come ahead in, Liam!" Break's voice rings out cheerfully through the closed door.

Liam hasn't even knocked yet; in fact he would have sworn he hadn't made a sound, but Break has never been one to rely on ordinary senses. Scowling, he opens the door and goes in.

There is Break, not even changed out of his stained, disheveled clothes aside from throwing his overcoat onto a chair and kicking off his boots, not resting as he should be but sitting cross-legged on the bed amid a nest of files and papers. Liam frowns even harder; of course Break just grins up at him. At least, Liam observes, he's washed the coughed-up blood off his face and hands, but his face is still as white as the papers he holds, with a dark hollow under his good eye and deep lines visible around his mouth. To Liam, he looks like thin porcelain, ready to shatter.

"If you won't rest, at least you should eat," he snaps.

Break eyes the sandwiches doubtfully - no cakes, only healthful things like ham and lettuce and hard boiled eggs. Liam had always fretted over the man's well-being, ever since he can remember. Now that he knows the real reason for Break's fragile health (or most of it; he doesn't dare suppose he's heard everything yet), he has become even more determined to see that Xerxes takes care of himself - for all the good that does anyone when Break still chases after illegal Contractors and their ever more horrible Chains, and insists on using powers that seem increasingly likely to rip him apart. A steady diet of almost nothing but sweets, Liam reasons, is hardly likely to help the situation.

Still, Break grabs one of the sandwiches and wolfs it down, though his eyes hardly leave the papers he's leafing through and tossing around like scattered leaves. Liam glares and glances over his shoulder at them while he pours tea and adds the usual ridiculous amount of sugar to the cup. As far as he can tell, these reports were nothing new. He pushes his glasses up on his nose impatiently, feeling inexplicably irritated.

"That can wait until after you've rested, can't it?" he says shortly.

Break finally looks up at him, eyeing him with obvious amusement from that single, heavy-lidded eye. Liam feels his face grow a little warm, and realizes what he's been bracing himself for since he came through the door: the infuriatingly casual brush off of his - of everyone's - concern.

He sets the tea down with a rattle of china and clenches his fists at his sides, prepared for the usual taunts, but Break does nothing worse than flap a dismissive hand at him and turn back to his papers - while darting a hand back to grab a sugar cube from the tray without even looking, and popping it in his mouth.

"This is restful!" he says, crunching happily on the hard sugar. He glances over at Emily, the grinning doll sitting on the chair on top of his cast-off coat. "We think Liam is the one who needs to relax, don't we Emily?" He pats the bed beside himself, the one small spot not covered with files. "Here, have a seat; you can help sort all this out..."

Liam knows perfectly well that this casual invitation will inevitably lead to him finishing all the reports and filing everything away properly, because this is how it has always been, and how Liam has started to think it always will be - except that now he knows it won't be, and he knows why.

He was only briefly shocked after he heard the truth about Kevin Regnard and the rest of Break's past, and the truth about his health. Since then he has watched even more closely, seeing the strain, the obsession, understanding it all a little better now perhaps, and all the more worried, more frustrated than ever with Break's eccentric, casual attitude, knowing how much lurks underneath it. Now Liam is afraid - he realizes, finally - that they'll loose him to his past and his obsession.

So when Break takes his hesitation as resistance and teases him with "you see, this is why it's good that Liam has a nice Chain that doesn't fight, so poor Hatter Break doesn't get too worn out from all this paperwork!" - something inside Liam snaps.

He finds himself grabbing Break by the shoulder, pulling him around and leaning down over him until they are face to face, desperate to get his full attention and to take his worry seriously for once.

"Don't you understand that there are people who care for you?" he demands.

Break stares at him for a second, and Liam sees the facade crack for that one second before Break airily waves off his concern again. Liam does not let go of his shoulder, and when it's clear that he isn't going to back away this time, Break tries another teasing tactic.

"My my, Liam," he says, raising a finger to his smiling lips and looking pointedly at Liam's mouth which is, at that moment, so close to his. "If anyone were to see you like this they might think you're being rather forward, wouldn't you say? Be careful, or one of us might become a bit, hm, excited, you know?"

At which Liam realizes that he's exactly right, being "forward" like that is exactly what he's doing, or what he would like to do anyway, and frustration with Break and with himself and with his own feelings burns in his face. And then Break raises his eyebrow and Liam just knows he doesn't believe that he ever would actually do such a thing, doesn't want to believe him for all that it might mean, wants to stay out of reach, wants to flutter away.

Liam throws all caution to the wind, determined to somehow bring Break down to earth and keep him there, to somehow breach the distance in that red eye's singular gaze, and - something more that he would never say or face but now that he's got his hands on Break like this, not knowing if even this will work to reach him and keep him here but he has to do it anyway - he pulls Break closer roughly and kisses him.

He has to take advantage of Break's momentary shock in order to ignore his own shock at himself and hold on. Then he becomes even more furious and desperate when he feels Break start to laugh at him under the kiss, his shoulder shaking with it under Liam's hands.

Liam squeals in frustration, red-faced when he hears himself make such a noise but he does not let go. instead he presses Break down onto the bed, deepens the kiss and ...

And realizes a moment too late that, dammit, it is exciting, he's already... And he should run away and hide like Break no doubt expects him to, but - he won't. He would never be allowed to forget or live this down if he runs away now, and besides, he will not let go until he's certain he's got Break pinned down to earth, at least for once, pinned down so that Liam might be able to keep him here, so he can't flutter away or shatter like porcelain, or drift away on the wind like dying leaves...

He drops down onto Break, and he's not nearly as surprised to find that Break wasn't kidding about becoming excited as Break seems startled to discover that Liam is indeed in the same condition. Xerxes grunts in surprise and freezes in place, eye wide open, and Liam stifles the urge to laugh.

He ends the deep kiss, then hears Break gasp for breath as he starts to kiss his face, all over his cheeks and lips and nose and above his eyes and down his chin to his throat. He ignores Break's fingers digging into his arms, and starts to run his own hands down from Break's shoulders, fisting in his clothes and pulling at them, until his left hand slips inside, glides over heated skin, fingers kneading Break's chest and twirling around one nipple. Liam hears and feels Break's breath hitch, but then Break growls out his name in a strange tone of voice, like a soft warning.

He knows he's likely to be thrown off any second, but he can't stop now. He can't stand it that Break has turned away, eye closed, still holding him off, still distant. He presses his palm over the terrible mark on Break's breast, over his heart, thumbs the hardening nub, but he does not get another gasp or any reaction at all, either good or bad.

Then he kisses closed eyelids, delicately, first the closed red eye and then the empty one. Break shudders and his grip on Liam's arms tightens so much he winces, and suddenly it all shifts. Break grasps him, clinging, flinging his arms around Liam and spreading his legs for Liam to slide between, letting him in at last - pulling him down, hard, on top of him - and Break is kissing him back, hard, and Liam moans in relief because finally, maybe, Xerxes is really there with him.

This time when Break manages to laugh, breathless, a few seconds later, with a puff of hot breath against Liam's neck, Liam thinks it might be more at himself than at him. Break is still clinging to him and now squirming his hips under Liam, much more than simply suggestive. Demanding, now, that Liam follow through on this suggestion he seems to have made, but then he catches himself and his breath for a moment, and catches Liam's gaze with his seductively half-lidded single eye.

"You know, you might regret you started this," he says.

A little anger flares up in Liam again. He frowns hard, staring down at Break.

"I won't," he insists, more resolutely than he actually feels as it becomes clear what Break now expects of him.

They begin scrambling at each other's clothes. A moment later, Liam thinks his heart almost stops when Break gropes his erection with what he can only assume is an experienced touch, bringing him to full hardness in seconds - but all the while Break is kissing him needily and pulling him between his legs, raising and spreading his knees as soon as his trousers are out of the way. Not so much offering as insisting, Liam thinks, but he is giving exactly what Liam wanted, his full self, grounded and solid, not the flighty, dangerous, untouchable thing that Liam has come to feel so desperate to care for.

For a while they just move together like this, and Liam almost thinks this is enough, this is all either of them needs or can stand. Then Break squirms under him and pushes Liam back enough to catch his eye, and to Liam's near despair, the teasing glint is back.

"There is," he says breathlessly, licking his lips - whether nervously or seductively, Liam can't tell - "a jar of lotion in that drawer."

Liam's eyes flicker to the bedside table before he realizes what Break is talking about. He nearly chokes, but then he sees Break's lips twitch in the threat of laughter at his expense.

Defiantly, Liam sits up halfway, just enough to reach across to that drawer and find the jar that Break is talking about. His face is hot but his mouth is set in a determined line as he fumbles with the lid and dips three fingers into the creamy substance, smears it messily on his hands, on himself, and finally on Break - watching Break's face shift from amusement to surprise to something more like awe when his swirls his slippery fingers around both of their erections together.

"Good... heavens... Liam..." Break breathes, eye closing. His entire body jerks under Liam, and he winces as if he's been forced to reveal something regrettable.

Liam does not intend to let either of them ignore or regret any of this, no matter how mortifyingly clumsy it is, no matter how obvious it may be that he's never done this before. So, hardly knowing what he's doing, guided mainly by Break's suddenly revealed need and unspoken directions, he pushes into him after as much preparation as Break will allow - which he suspects is more for his own benefit - and is still nearly done in by the almost painful tightness, the breathtaking friction and heat of Break's body driving him deeper.

When he catches his own breath for a moment, Liam sees that Break has turned away again, eye closed, brow twitching - silver hair damp and clinging to his face, lips parted but with neither the maddening Hatter's grin nor the sardonic frown. Liam kisses his face again, feels Break's fingers dig into his back. This time he only has to touch Break's cheek to bring his gaze back to himself.

Break looks up at him, finally, as if really seeing him at last, really there at last, and smiles, still a little mockingly as he says "My my, Liam, I didn't really think you had it in you..."

Liam's face burns, suddenly embarrassed again, and then suddenly - a little - angry again, he thrusts into Break sharply - and only realizes when Break's eye closes with a hiss of pleasure that this might be what he intended. So he does it again, and watches in wonder even as his own senses begin to cloud over with the heat of it. Break curls and flexes under him, moaning, keening, scrambling at Liam's back with his fingers, leaving long scratches that Liam expects he will marvel at later, hardly able to believe how he got them.

Break is kissing him again and groaning into his mouth when he comes, suddenly and sharply, twitching wildly under Liam. Liam only holds on just long enough to watch him all the way through, his face now almost glowing, eye closed in pleasure, lost in sensation as his orgasm subsides - before he finally puts his own need ahead even of Break's and moves for his own pleasure, quick and deep, but not for long before he reaches his own climax with a hoarse moan of relief.

He hangs above Break on his elbows, watches his face as they start to come down from the high of it. He's more present than Liam has ever seen him before, in spite of having his eye closed again, but curled around Liam so comfortably now. Break is finally letting himself want and need this contact, just for himself; he is finally letting someone care for his need without (really) having to manipulate anyone to get it.

Liam caresses the left side of Break's face with a slightly trembling hand, brushing strands of hair over the empty eye socket. Frowning a little as if at himself, Break presses his cheek against Liam's hand.

Then the one red eye opens, and the playful slyness returns to Break's grin and to his voice, teasing Liam with the embarrassing suggestion that this was his first time in bed with another person - a taunting game that Liam cannot win by either admitting or denying this statement. Even though his face turns red, for once the teasing doesn't fluster him, entangled and stuck together as they are on the bed with various articles of clothing and Break's papers and Liam's glasses strewn all around them.

Something else bothers him, though, another unwelcome thought that worms its way into his mind. He finally has Break brought down to earth, grounded, but how long can that last before he slips away, darts out through some cupboard door or vanishes under the bed, flutters away out of reach again, he wonders. While he's got him this way, though, he holds on, sliding down to stretch out beside Break with his arms still around him. Break doesn't feel like fragile porcelain; he's solid and warm - and thin, and limp, and still breathing a little harder than normal.

Liam frowns, remembering how this started. He remembers that he was supposed to be getting Break to rest and recover, not wear him out even more.

"I don't suppose this is enough to convince you to be more careful from now on, is it?" he says, gruffly, a little abashed now that they've reached this point but emboldened by the hold he still has on Break.

Break chuckles, and to his astonishment, nuzzles his head against Liam's shoulder.

"Of course not!" he answers cheerfully. But he does not try to pull away. Their limbs remain comfortably tangled, even as he somehow reaches around and pulls the bed cover up over the both of them, carelessly spilling papers and clothes and all onto the floor.

"But, it is nice to be asked," he admits - and a second later he has fallen asleep in Liam's arms.

Liam feels his face almost fall into its familiar frown of disapproval before softening. He kisses the top of Break's head, closing his eyes at the familiar scent of his hair, and settles his arms around him.

"Well. That's something, I guess," he says.

~~~ an ending but not the end ~~~

(Note: I just found this old fic about two-thirds written from back in October 2009. I don't even remember writing it. According to my notes at the beginning of the file, I was happily in the middle of writing Slayers fic with Rosethorne when this vivid vision of Liam and Break sexing it up came into my head, and I figured out the why and when of it the next day. Up until then I had only written one Oz/Gil fic and one Gil/Break fic, and I still considered Break/Gil to be my PH OTP. So apparently this story marks the moment I began to ship Liam x Break. And look - Liam was already on top, right from the start! I thought I didn't figure that out until much later. XD)