This is my unofficial tribute to Red Witch fic "I Have Come Not To Praise Jackson Wainscott" This is what happen during the funeral sequence. I hope you enjoy it.
"You know this church is pretty rundown." Archer said as he looked around the place. "You would think a rich guy would have picked a better place to hold a eulogy for his dad."
"Heck, I think even his mother paid more for the pigmy funeral expenses." Ray muttered
"Meh, maybe his wife being tightfisted about it. According to Archer "Uncle" stories I doubt she go all out for her father in-law ." Pam said
"Yeah i'm still surprise her son called Mallory to come here to see this Jackson guy." Cyril said "I mean, wouldn't that be weird."
"Weird as in Miss Archer weird photo with her and that dead dog of hers or weird as in Krieger eyeing the corpse like he want to dissect it?" Pam asked
"Oh please, i have a much better idea then simply dissecting." Krieger said
"Ew." Almost everyone muttered.
"What weird is that a man willingly invited his father ex-fling to the day of his death. You don't suppose they have something bad plan do you?"
"No Cyril I don't, but in case i'm wrong i brought shotguns, some smoke bombs, even a few hatchet just in case." Archer said taking a drink and getting some surprise looks. "What?"
"Why would you bring all that for a funeral." Ray asked incredulously.
"Well remember when i mentioned Mother getting into a shouting match with Uncle Rich ex-wife."
"Yes..."
"Well let just say said ex-wife was the-"
"Sister of a triad leader, are you kidding me?" Lana asked
"What? it not my fault that after me, he developed bad taste in women." Mallory said "Although i will concede Richard was always the thrill-seeker sort, thankfully not like Salvio of course."
"Uh-uh. so your telling me you purposely went to his funeral fully aware that she would be there along with many triads member just to have a "Word" with you." Lana said
"I heard he left me something in his will. Besides I had sniper posted around the funeral in case that bitch tried anything."
"And that how you escape alive."
"No actually that bitch was actually trying to be peaceful and one of those moronic sniper got drunk. That bitch made me pay for both Rich funeral as well as the dead grunt, and i know for a fact that women probably just dump that stupid grunt body in a river somewhere. But the point remain I still could have died and therefore the precaution" Mallory grumbled.
"Right... well here's hoping that this funeral won't end like that." Lana muttered, glad she left AJ to be babysit (Who shouldn't be provoke by Mallory this time) and regretting asking why Mallory made Archer bring all those weapons along.
"Yeah why wouldn't it, they have to be blind not to give it to me." Cheryl said.
"What the hell are you talking about." Ray said
"My award duh, were obviously at a a place to get a reward." Cheryl said
"Ah-ha! so you do remember Cherlene!" Archer said
"Who Cherlene? i'm talking about some of the greatest fires i ever started." Cheryl said.
"Okay i know your both drunk and drugged, but why would ANYONE give you a award for starting fires?" Ray asked incredulously.
"Cause I am creative when it comes to my flames. well except when I burn that money Cyril gave me. That I just threw in the dumpster to make it last longer."
'What the- You told me it was a volatile year!" Cyril said annoyed.
"Cyril, i know your pissed but i think even Krieger AI whining girlfriend would point out that she obviously burn the money when she uses the world volatile." Pam said
Cyril just mumbled annoyed as the funeral began.
"Hmm, it quiet, I don't like it." Mallory muttered
"I thought quiet was a good thing." Lana whispered
"Not with those morons." Mallory growled "At least when there loud I know there just being moronic but contained, but when i can't hear them i can't help to think there some how purposely trying to screw me over."
"Mallory relax you're over-thinking this. Jackson coming up to deliver his eulogy for his father, and i am sure everyone has already fallen asleep drunk or perhaps ditch it to get pancakes." Lana said, regretting she mention the last part as Mallory began to growl angrily. "Look if your really that worry just crane your head to the side since were sitting at the edge and see that all of them are still there."
Mallory grunted but still turn her head to look. She could see Sterling, Ray, Cyril and- "Oh no there gone."
"What?" Lana said looking at what Mallory was talking about only to realize both Krieger and Cheryl were gone "Ahh... maybe it's not too bad."
"Not that bad. The pyromaniac and mad scientist are gone!" Mallory seethed.
"And soon you will be out of that coffin and into my lab... or my apartment, either works." Krieger said in the church basement as he began to saw upward. "Plus i'm getting rid of my old experiment that Ms. Archer told me to get rid of, so it's a win-win."
"Yeah, if you're a idiot." Ray said
"Oh come on. I can't be the only one to think she force us here just to see how junior compares to the old man."
"First of all eww. Second, i kinda doubt it. She really wants that dead guy money." Archer said
"She can do both." Pam said
"Hey uh, shouldn't we look for Cheryl and Krieger they been taking a long time in the bathroom." Cyril said
"Why, were not their guardians." Ray said
"Yeah but the floor made of wood, and considering her tendency to set fire."
"Oh relax you big crybaby! I took both her box of matches and lighter before we got in." Pam said as Wainscott approaches the stand in front of all the pews and his father's closed coffin. He clears his throat and all of the people look at him and he begins to speak.
"My father was a massive figure in my life." Wainscott began only for someone to ran from the side and knocked him to the side.
"Welp Cyril, we found her." Archer said
"Hey everybody. First of all i want to thank everyone here for coming, even if we have to hold this special event with a dead guy coffin. Anywho i would like to thanks the guy who sent the invitation as they didn't invite my brother stupid vegan girlfriend. Next i would-"
"Is she giving thanks to that stupid award ceremony she was talking about?" Ray asked
"Looks like, though it maybe her last considering how Ms. Archer looking at her like she going slit Cheryl throat." Pam said
"And another thank you is for Ms Archer, who probably did some really weird old people sex. I mean really weird, like she probably shove a dildo up his ass while he was tied up to his chair."
half the room blanched at the mental imagery (Especially Lana and Archer who were reminded of the italian prime minister incident.) while the other mutter angrily at Cheryl for saying stuff like that in a funeral.
"Man, that is some inappropriate stuff for a funeral speech." Krieger said underneath coffin and hidden by the drapes on top of the bier. He was currently underneath the coffin as he was removing the body only to lose grip. Krieger winced as Wainscott body crashed. "Welp, hope no one heard that." Krieger said as he quickly placed the bottom back to the coffin.
Krieger didn't have to worry about that though as Cheryl was at the part of her speech where (For some reason.) started howling like a monkey.
"Well at least she not howling like a werewolf." Ray muttered
"Yeah i don't think people would appreciate a crazy person biting them." Archer said
"I don't think they appreciate us now." Cyril gulped as he noticed the glares directed at them.
"Relax it should be other soon." Pam said
"Really?"
"Yeah, you can tell how much she itching both arm, she getting drug withdrawal." Pam stated.
"So anyway thanks for the award, just mail it to my house or whatever." Cheryl said as she ran down the aisle.
"Thank god." Mallory mutter through clench teeth. "I had to keep reminding myself not to shoot her in the face. I swear if she wasn't rich I would have gotten rid of her along time ago."
"Well at least what i assume to be the worst is over." Lana said wincing both currently living Wainscott had at the spectacle with the son ordering chorus to start singing.
And so far it been a quiet until chorus and both Archer (And a return Krieger) both started shouting them to sing 'Free Bird'.
This story ain't over yet. there still one more chap to go (and if you read the last part of that story i think you can guess what that is.)