As I slammed my front door shut and lobbed my now-broken keys onto the coffee table (they missed), I mentally heaved a huge sigh. Home at last.
My day had been sufficiently heinous, and I wanted nothing better than to call either Alice or Rosalie and rant at them. While in a bubble bath. Drinking wine.
Sigh. Maybe I could salvage the day after all.
Then I realised that my keys had not only missed the table, but skittered across the floor and under the fridge. Screw the bath, I needed to rant now.
I grabbed the cordless and pressed the speed dial as I got on my hands and knees.
"Hello?" I heard Alice trill on the other line.
"I have a bone to pick with you, midget," I growled as I peered into the darkness under the fridge. There were a lot of shadowy blobs under there that may or may not have been the keys, if you ignored that fact that some of them were moving.
"Hello to you too, Bella." God, I could practically see her smirk from here.
"Don't give me that crap, Alice, you flaked out on lunch today!" I scolded, whilst trying to get a better view of the blobs.
"Oh, stop being so melodramatic, you'll pop an artery. Rose was there, wasn't she?"
I let out a humourless laugh, and started feeling around blindly in order to concentrate on my upcoming tirade. "No, Rose wasn't there because she, like you, had something planned with her boyfriend. Apparently 'sisters before misters' doesn't carry the same impact as 'bros before hoes' to you guys or something because I had to settle with ramen noodles at my desk, while my asshole of a boss decided to load me up with another errand that had me working till nine-freaking-o'clock at night. In case you forgot Alice, I usually finish at five. And the douche doesn't even pay overtime! On top of that, remember those designer heels you so graciously forced upon me? Yeah, they broke, leaving me hobbling all the way home since my rusty pile of crap decided to break down. It's raining by the way, so I look like a drowned rat. Oh, and my keys broke, so trusty old Mr. Locksmith will have to stop by and fix up my fail. And now, I just picked up a cockroach instead of my keys!" I squealed, before shaking off the dirty vermin and scrambling out of the kitchen. I don't do cockroaches.
A stunned silence met me on the other line. After a minute or so, Alice cleared her throat. "You couldn't tell them apart?"
"Ha freaking ha, Alice," I retorted sarcastically. I succeeded in finding the bug spray and fumigating the little disease creature, before turning my attention back on the phone. "You don't even want to get me started on the first half of the day."
She hesitated. "You're right, I don't."
I proceeded to let her know anyway. Abandoning my search for the keys (they were harder to find than the g-spot, for god's sake), I instead paced up and done in the hallway, throwing my arms around expressively as I spoke.
"My phone ran out of battery, so the goddamn alarm didn't go off, which then made me miss breakfast in my hurry to get to work, which I was late for any way! Caius was being a royal ass to me, asking me to do stupid things that no secretary ever should have to do. But I did them! You know why, Alice? Do you?"
"Umm... no?" she replied timidly. I think I was scaring her. Oh well, she wasn't the one recovering from post-cockroach stress.
"Because I'm. A. Pushover! My boss asks me to do the most ridiculous errands, and I go ahead and do them. Hell, I'd probably lick his feet if he threatened me enough!"
"I'm... sorry you're having a bad day?" she said hesitantly, as though I'd explode if she said the wrong thing. That probably wasn't too far off the truth.
"Bad doesn't even begin to describe it," I hissed, back in the kitchen and raiding the pantry for some sort of edible substance.
Alice brightened. "I know a way to make you feel better! You can come over to my house this weekend and I can take you shopping and give you a makeover! You'll feel like a whole new person!"
I groaned into the mouthpiece as I pulled some mince out of the fridge. "Are you trying to make this day worse? I would've sworn it wasn't possible until you just said that."
Thankfully, she took the hint. "Alright, it was just a suggestion. Change of plans. You and Rose come to my house for alcohol and movies this Friday. No guys allowed."
I mulled it over. "What kind of movies?"
"Please, Bella, like you really need to ask."
She had a point there. We were almost ritualistic in the movies we chose: Chick flicks. Every single time. Not only were guys not allowed, when they found out our movie choices, they weren't interested.
"Well..." I conceded, and Alice recognised her victory.
"Yay! We'll have so much fun, and you can tell me and Rose all about your bad day. But listen, I have to go, Jasper's on his way over, and I still need to change into my nurse cost—"
"Oh god, Alice, unless you want to give me nightmares, then please, for the love of god, stop talking now," I groaned, smashing at the mince in the pan with more force than necessary.
Alice giggled, but thankfully didn't finish her sentence. "I'll see you later, Bella. Do me a favour, try and keep your PMS in check this Friday, kay?"
"Why, you little—" I spluttered into the phone, but she'd already hung up. So I settled for scowling at my dinner.
Actually, I did more than scowl. I pounded the meat mercilessly, belting out all my frustrations. Then I realised I wasn't getting rid of my frustrations, just suppressing them. Well, hey, that's good enough for me. Sucks to be the poor sod who I take my anger out on, though.
As I worked the meat sauce through and stirred the pasta, I recognised that I probably wouldn't take my anger out on anyone, what with me being a giant pushover and all. Knowing me, I'd probably keep on taking all the crap everyone dished out to me, hiding my opinion, until BAM! Peptic ulcer from stress. Or maybe I really would pop an artery.
Well, that's going to change, I vowed to myself. From now on, Bella Swan doesn't take crap from anyone. I'm going to stand up for myself, and let people know if something's bothering me!
I grinned as I set my plate on the table, considerably calmer now since my phone call and resulting epiphany.
And just as I was about to enjoy my spaghetti, the phone's shrill tone pierced my ears.
Well, that's just fantastic. Seems like I was a bitch to Lady Luck cause she's really been shitting all over my day.
I huffed and stalked to the phone. I tried to calm down by telling myself that maybe Alice was concerned and got Rose to call me. Or maybe it was a call saying I'd won the lottery (even though I never entered). Or maybe, just maybe, it was a call from work saying my boss had croaked.
I snorted. I couldn't be that hopeful.
When I was finally calm enough not to sound angry at my potential good-news bearer, I answered.
"Hello?"
"Hello, may I please speak to a Miss Isabella Swan?"
I was prepared for good news, but I wasn't prepared for an angel himself to deliver it. OK, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here. The guy on the other line is probably not, I repeat, not, an angel. But he sure as hell sounds like one. His voice was rich and deep, and it sounded like satin.
I took a deep breath. "Speaking."
The angel (maybe he was a god?) sighed heavily, then launched into a speech that sounded surprisingly...scripted.
No. Freaking. Way.
Karma, you bitch, what did I ever do to you? You give me possibly the worst day of my life then sprinkle it with a telemarketer?
I tried taking deep breaths and counting to ten to avoid having another outburst.
My stomach gave a loud grumble, reminding me of my dinner, and that I had to end the call now.
"I'm sorry, I'm not interested," I said in my most civil tone.
"Not yet you aren't, but wait until I tell you about the new money-saving..." he continued back onto the script.
Ugh. I tried to sound nice to make him understand (I didn't want to have to yell at an angel, after all).
"Listen, you kind of interrupted my dinner..." I trailed off, hoping he'd take the hint. No cigar.
"Awesome. Lemme chalk up another one on my little scoreboard here. If I interrupt two more dinners before break, Ben owes me ten bucks."
And that right there, that's what did it for me. My recent realisation came roaring back, reminding me that I shouldn't be taking crap from this stranger. So, as it turned out, he was the poor sod that I was venting at.
"No. There's no way you're getting some stupid enjoyment out of pissing me the hell off. Today has been about the worst day of my life in history and I do not need you and your stupid life insurance. I've been ridiculed, I'm exhausted, I was stood up by both of my friends for lunch and ended up eating alone, at my office desk, while my boss loaded me with pointless errands that had me working FOUR hours longer than I was getting paid for. And on top of all that, I had to walk home in the rain in high heels, after one of them snapped off. Not to mention I can't lock my house for the next few days seeing as my key snapped off inside the lock. Meaning I'll probably get assaulted during my sleep, knowing my luck. Not like arrogant pricks like you would care.
"Really, all I want right now is to eat some god damn spaghetti, which is probably covered in cockroaches, thanks to you. So if you would mind fucking the hell off?"
Wow. That felt surprisingly good. I was still pissed, sure, but taking it out on a random stranger helped a lot more than I thought it would.
There was a pause on the other line, then... "please hold."
My scream of frustration fell on deaf ears. Who did this asshole think he was? I started pacing, determined to give him another piece of my mind. The tiny rational part of my brain spoke up and told me that doing this would make no difference at all, and I should probably just hang up now. But the much more dominant, enraged part of my brain told the rational part to just shut the fuck up.
A minute later he picked up again, and before I could express my anger, he was talking.
"Wow, it sounds like you've had a rough day," he said kindly. I stopped pacing and blinked at the phone. Huh?
"You don't know the half of it," I muttered back darkly.
"Heh. If that wasn't even half, I'd hate to hear the rest," he snickered. I bit back a growl.
"Are you mocking me?" I hissed venomously. The logical part of my mind was screaming louder. Hang up, Bella, just hang up now, before you screw this up anymore!
"I may be a little bit...yes," he replied lightly.
"You jackass," I seethed.
He chuckled. "The personality comes with the job."
I let out a huff of frustration. "You know what? Fuck you," I said firmly, before slamming the phone back in its cradle. I had to hang up now before my angry tears showed up and he thought I was some snivelling emotional wreck.
Which I kind of was right now, but I sure as hell didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me.
I pushed him out of my mind and stomped back to my dinner. It was cold.
Ugh. Could my day seriously get any worse? I really doubted it.
*****
God, I'm so bored, I thought, as I hung up the phone with a sigh. Calling number after number to repeatedly get hung up on, abused and mocked was not a job I had dreamed of as a little boy.
But it paid the bills in between jobs, and I realised that I'd hardened to the rejection over the weeks. In fact, now I started having a little fun with the 'crazies', as Ben liked to call them.
Because we both had the night shift, we decided to have a little wager. The first person to interrupt five dinners had to fork over ten dollars. At the moment, we were tying on two dinners each.
Usually the people I called would either hang up or tell me politely to fuck off. I was thankful that I got a wage as well as commission, because even being the best seller here, I didn't make a large amount of sales.
Occasionally I would get a person that would abuse me, but tonight had been pretty uneventful. Which brings me back to my chronic boredom.
I dialled the next number and swivelled around in my chair as I waited for an answer. In the booth next to me, Ben was reciting his script with tired eyes.
He paused suddenly, then smirked. I cocked an eyebrow at him, before hanging up my own phone. We didn't do answering machines.
Ben struggled with composure as he told the person to hold, clicked the button, then turned to me in a burst of laughter. "This lady is saying the creepiest stuff," he guffawed. "You gotta hear this!"
I pulled my chair closer to his booth as he placed the caller on loud speaker. "Thank you for holding, Miss Stanley," he said politely.
"Oh, no problem. Is there anything else of yours you want me to hold?" the woman on the other end said in a sultry tone. I almost snorted.
"How about you hold the contract for our life insurance plan?" Ben grinned.
"Oh you'll need life insurance, by the time I'm done with you," she whispered.
I held my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing too loudly. Ben's voice sounded strained as he continued with the script, trying not to chuckle at her innuendos. Eventually he couldn't help it, and cracked up laughing. Miss Stanley was so offended she hung up on him.
"Poor thing," I said to Ben, once I wasn't in hysterics any more. "She must be desperate if she's coming on to a telemarketer."
"I'll say," Ben agreed, dialling another number.
I checked the clock as I went down the list for my next number. Nine forty-five.
The phone went for several rings before it picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hello, may I please speak to a Miss Isabella Swan?" I asked politely.
There was a pause, before she took a deep breath. "Speaking."
I almost didn't want to continue the call, she sounded too nice. Her voice was soft and sweet, yet firm and strong at the same time. I sighed deeply. I had to clear my mind. Come on, Edward, it's not that hard to read off a piece of paper, I scolded myself.
I launched into my speech, all the while listening carefully for a hint of her response. Just as I was getting to the discount, she interrupted me.
"I'm sorry," she said, not really sounding that sorry at all, "I'm not interested."
Oh well, if that's the way she wanted to be. I shrugged.
"Not yet you aren't, but wait until I tell you about the new money-saving..." I continued from where I left off.
She cut me off again. "Listen, you kind of interrupted my dinner..." she said almost coldly.
"Awesome. Lemme chalk up another one on my little scoreboard here. If I interrupt two more dinners before break, Ben owes me ten bucks," I told her casually. What's a job like this without having any fun?
She was silent for a second. I expected shock, anger, a bit of a reprimanding, sure, but I didn't expect her be one of the crazies. She launched into a tirade.
"No. There's no way you're getting some stupid enjoyment out of pissing me the hell off. Today has been about the worst day of my life in history and I do not need you and your stupid life insurance. I've been ridiculed, I'm exhausted, I was stood up by both of my friends for lunch and ended up eating alone, at my office desk, while my boss loaded me with pointless errands that had me working FOUR hours longer than I was getting paid for. And on top of all that, I had to walk home in the rain in high heels, after one of them snapped off. Not to mention I can't lock my house for the next few days seeing as my key snapped off inside the lock. Meaning I'll probably get assaulted during my sleep, knowing my luck. Not like arrogant pricks like you would care.
"Really, all I want right now is to eat some god damn spaghetti, which is probably covered in cockroaches, thanks to you. So if you would mind fucking the hell off?"
I was kind of shocked. Normally when people ranted at me it was about telemarketers and how they were the spawn of Satan. I didn't usually get extremely attractive-sounding women yelling at me about their day. Ben had to hear this.
"Please hold," I told her, praying she wouldn't just hang up.
"Ben?" I popped my head around the booth. He'd just hung up.
"Yo."
"I have a crazy on the phone. Get this, she just told me, wait scratch that, she just yelled at me about her bad her day was."
Ben laughed. "Well put her back on, before she hangs up. You gonna have some fun with her?"
I grinned wickedly. "You bet I am."
I picked up the phone, put her on loud speaker, and injected some sympathy into my tone. "Wow, it sounds like you've had a rough day."
"You don't know the half of it," she murmured back in a low voice. Wow, that's hot.
I laughed again. "Heh. If that wasn't even half, I'd hate to hear the rest."
I heard a strangled noise from her end, like she was suppressing a noise of frustration.
"Are you mocking me?" she demanded. Well, duh.
I kept my voice light as I replied. "I may be a little...yes."
I could practically see the steam coming out of her ears as she fumed. "You jackass."
"The personality comes with the job," I laughed.
She released an angry huff. "You know what? Fuck you," she said in a stiff tone, then hung up.
Wow, what a bitch.
I turned to Ben with a triumphant smirk, and he slapped a high five. "You owned her, man," he chortled, before scooting back into his booth.
I agreed, then decided I'd call her again tomorrow, just to spite her. And every day after that until I made my sale.