The Red Shirt Paradigm Prologue J. Franklin
THE RED SHIRT PARADIGM
PROLOGUE
(SCENE: The stairwell. LEONARD, SHELDON, HOWARD, and RAJ are walking slowly up the stairs dressed in various Star Trek uniforms.)
LEONARD: I have to be honest. I'm really starting to lose respect for these Trekker conventions.
HOWARD: At least you remembered to call it a "Trekker" convention instead of a "Trekkie" convention.
RAJ: What's the difference?
HOWARD: Trekkies tended to lose their lunch money much more often when they were younger.
SHELDON: Actually, I'm with Leonard. There comes a point where each convention eventually reaches the point of diminishing returns as far as entertainment and trivia acquisition is concerned.
HOWARD: Yeah. That AND Marina Sirtis wasn't at this convention. OR the last one. (Pauses) Guess I'll have to keep getting my Counselor Troi fix from the Internet.
RAJ: That reminds me. We should build a holodeck. We're four scientists with academic backgrounds. Why can't we create something like that?
LEONARD: Probably because if man ever did devise the holodeck he would never leave it. He'd spend all his time being waited on hand and foot by mistresses in togas feeding him grapes.
HOWARD: (Laughs) Actually, if I ever built a holodeck, my fantasy was always –
LEONARD: (Stopping him) I think we all know what kind of fantasy life you would have on the holodeck, Howard.
HOWARD: Why do you say that?
LEONARD: Well, our last experience in HR and your being on a first name basis with Ms. Davis provided something of a clue…
SHELDON: (Thinking) Hmm. Actually, Koothrappali may be on to something.
HOWARD : What, you think we could actually build a holodeck? (Pauses) How many of those purple milkshakes did you have at the convention again?
SHELDON: Only three. But no, my point is, why couldn't we build a replica of the Enterprise ourselves? We once had a time machine, and that helped spur our imaginations for a few weeks. Perhaps a life-sized model of the Enterprise bridge would help stimulate some creativity we've been lacking lately.
HOWARD: Speak for yourself. Bernadette's already begun putting limits on my creativity. For instance, last week when I asked her to do this one dance for me –
LEONARD: Enough!
RAJ: (Quietly to LEONARD) Dude, you need to learn to let the man finish!
HOWARD: So, Sheldon, you're saying in between our ongoing experiments, academic obligations, research commitments, video game nights, AND attempts to have lives that include girlfriends, you think we should undertake to build a life-sized replica of the Starship Enterprise bridge?
SHELDON: I'm saying it wouldn't be a bad idea.
LEONARD: Oh, really? And where would we put it? When we had the time machine, we all fought over where it would be located. When we had the One Ring, we fought over that, too! Where would we put a full-size starship bridge?
SHELDON: (Agitated) Must I think of everything?! Wolowitz is an engineer, you all are reputed to be particle physicists! Certainly between the four of us we could come up with something!
RAJ: (To LEONARD) I'm starting to think it would be easier to build the holodeck instead of working with Sheldon.
LEONARD: Anything is easier than working with Sheldon – except living with him!
(The group reaches the third floor. As SHELDON fishes out his keys, PENNY emerges from her apartment dressed in her Cheesecake Factory uniform.)
PENNY: Hi, guys! (Pauses) Oh, gee, let me guess where you have all been this afternoon. (Puts index finger to her lip.) Hmm.
LEONARD: (Groans)
HOWARD: (To LEONARD) Oh, please. Like you were ever fooling her about being a nerd like the rest of us.
PENNY: I'm going to guess – Battlestar Galactica!
SHELDON: (Rolls eyes) Really? That's the best attempt at trolling that you've got?
PENNY: Hey, that was pretty good for me! I even managed to pronounce "Galactica."
SHELDON: For your information –
PENNY: (Cutting him off) I know! I know! You were at one of your Star Wars conventions –
(All groan)
PENNY: Trek! I meant Trek! You went to a Trekkie convention!
(All groan again)
RAJ: TrekkER!
PENNY: What?
RAJ: Trekker. Not " Trekkie."
PENNY: What's the difference?
RAJ: Howard says we didn't get beaten up this time.
PENNY: Well, whatever. I've got to go or I'm going to be late!
LEONARD: Oh. Well, did you want to have dinner –
PENNY: (Bounding down the steps and around the corner) Can't! Gotta go! (LEONARD sighs)
SHELDON: I think we've found the real-life example of the Kobiyashi Moryu!
LEONARD: What?
SHELDON: The Kobiyashi Moryu! Your attempts to date Penny even though it always results in heartbreak represents the closest real-life example of the impossible test that Captain Kirk was forced to cheat on to pass.
LEONARD: So, what, you're saying I need to cheat to convince Penny to go out with me?
SHELDON: No, I'm just saying it's impossible. (He enters with rest of group leaving LEONARD in the hall.)
LEONARD: Maybe I can find Counselor Troi on the Internet again…
(Cut to: Opening credits)
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