miikka-xx: this is my first attempt to explain a rather shocking plothole. of course, the obligatory crack abounds in this fic. also my first attempt at romance from an outside perspective (in this case, Shinpachiiii!)
title: money doesn't grow from trees, but food does, so stop complaining!
rating: T
summary: Shinpachi tries to solve the ultimate plothole of Gintama: where Gintoki gets all his money from. ginzura. complete.
warning(s): cameo from Yamazaki (if he, like, offends you.) plus: random make out scene, cause i can. and, italicising abuse. ch'yeah.
money doesn't grow from trees, but food does, so stop complaining!
Shinpachi doesn't get it.
He really, actually doesn't. If this was a manga (and he's pretty sure it is) then this would be that stereotypical plothole that strikes every type of media. It was like one of those situations in movies where a guy walks into a bar, orders five beers and leaves, without paying. Shinpachi does not understand how they can pull it off without facing real-life consequences.
So, he tries to explain it to Yamazaki.
"We do nothing! Nothing! That's the point here! How can doing nothing bring in money?" exclaims Shinpachi, "it can't! And Gin-san can still, somehow, afford to gamble and buy JUMP every week! I mean, I see this jug underneath the sink cupboard. It's labeled 'Parfait Fund', so I guess that's how he can afford those but still!"
Yamazaki nods gravely.
Shinpachi rants on, "sort of like how Hijikata-san always has some sort of mayonnaise on hand, but he has a job, so he can buy it - he can afford it! Where does it come from? Who's giving Gin-san money and why the hell am I not cut into this grand plan? I'm broke, damnit! I want my money!"
Yamazaki puts a consoling hand on his friend's shoulder.
"So, Danna has some sort of fund that you don't know about?" asks the Shinsengumi, "and he hasn't told you or Kagura-san about it?" Shinpachi nods and defiantly pulls out his wallet.
"See this? It's empty."
Well, that's not quite true. There is some filched sukonbu and lint balls. Yamazaki furrows his eyebrows, investigative instincts kicking in.
"Shinpachi-kun... Are you sure Danna isn't involved in Joui activities?" he asks seriously, "or some sort of illegal trade?"
"Are you joking?" deadpans Shinpachi. "Have you met Gin-san? He's the most lazy samurai on the face of the planet. Anyways, he has his morals and ethics. He wouldn't get involved in that sort of stuff."
Yamazaki pushes away his earlier suspicions and scratches his chin. Finally, his face lights up with some new revelation.
"What if he has a mistress!"
Shinpachi snorts.
"No, seriously!" continues Yamazaki excitedly. "Have you ever read the Three Musketeers?"
"Can you eat it?"
"No," glares Yamazaki, but let's the disbelief of his friend's tone pass, "see, there's these really poor guys. And they need to buy armor and horses to go to war. But they're poor, like flat-broke poor, so they go to their lovers who buy it all for them!"
Shinpachi has to wait a couple of seconds before bursting into a fit of laughter.
"Are you telling me Gin-san has a lover?" guffaws the teen, "That's next to impossible! Maybe when he gets an actual job and is over the weather girl!"
"B-but! What if Danna does-!" protests Yamazaki weakly, trying to prove his point, but is pointedly ignored.
A few days after the conversation with Yamazaki, Shinpachi goes back to the Yorozuya's with a plastic bag in hand. His sister had a rather generous client that day and they had splurged on some sushi. He feels good with his stomach full after a long time, and notices his boss's pleading voice out on the balcony of the place.
"Pleeeeease?" whines Gintoki to someone hidden in the shadows. "A few more yen won't hurt your wallet." Shinpachi's eyes widen and all this thoughts go back to Yamazaki's hypothesis.
NO WAY, THAT'S HER! HE'S TALKING TO HER! Wait. Shinpachi pauses. WHO'S HER?
"No," replies the stranger in a soft voice, "wasn't the few thousand yen from last month enough?"
Shinpachi's jaw goes slack. EXCUSE ME? FEW THOUSAND YEN? WHAT. He cranes his neck to see this supposed lover but all he gets is a glimpse of a blue kimono. He vaguely wonders if this person is even a woman, when he thinks of the obsessive way Gintoki moons over the weather girl. It has to be a woman. He doesn't get all 'hot and bothered' (well, as much as Gin-san does get 'hot and bothered') over a guy.
"I'll repay you!" starts Gintoki again, before his voice drops, "with my body."
Both the stranger and Shinpachi choke.
DEAR GOD, EVEN A CAVEMAN HAS MORE ROMANTIC TACT THAN YOU. EW, GIN-SAN, GOD. THAT POOR WOMAN WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU AGAIN.
"No thanks," cuts the stranger promptly. Shinpachi invountarily nods, good for you, lady.
"Hey," says Gintoki indignantly, "you didn't mind back then."
Shinpachi decides he'd rather stab his ears out right now than keep listening. But curiosity takes over and he needs to know the source! He wants to know who in their right mind would lend Gin-san their hard-earned money (because obviously there was some sort of mental illness involved if they did.)
There's a rustle of fabric, and Shinpachi watches his boss kiss his benefactor forcibly, pressing the woman? against the railing. He sees Gin-san cup the stranger's face as a distinct groan is pulled out of one of their throats. Suddenly, Gintoki steps back - a string of saliva appearing between their lips. It's the moonlight that illuminates it for all to see and Shinpachi's first though is his boss actually knows how to kiss. Pretty good for a caveman. Said caveman irritably snaps the saliva with his finger, scowling. He must've caught himself, since he quickly reverts back to the Universal Gin-san Face: apathy.
"You were at Ikumatsu's," deadpans the Freelancer. The stranger sounds surprised.
"How did you know?" Their voice is deep and a bit hoarse and Shinpachi furrows his brow before he understands that this is no woman - Gin-san's 'lover' was a man. It surprises him but a certain understanding descends on the teenage boy - only men could do something as extraordinarily stupid as lend Gin-san money.
"You taste like her ramen," explains Gintoki, still apathetic. If Shinpachi didn't know any better, he'd think that Gin-san was, well, jealous. The samurai suddenly moves away, face flat, "well, whatever, I don't really need the money. I'll pay you back some other time. Night, Zura."
Shinpachi promptly has a brain aneurysm when he sees the terrorist step out under the light and pulls a wad of bills from his sleeve.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING. DON'T GIVE HIM THAT. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE AN INSANE LEFT-WING TERRORIST, EVEN A FIVE-YEAR OLD WOULD KNOW BETTER.
"You do need it. For Kagura-chan's dog." Katsura's smile is gentle and he tucks it in his friend's palm before turning around to leap over the railing.
"Oi, Zura."
Katsura turns around with a retort before he's silenced once again by Gintoki's mouth. Shinpachi's still standing there, his first thought being: this is what an opening for a porno must look like. It might be the way Gin-san fumbles under Katsura's kimono, eliciting gasps from the smaller man. Or maybe when Gintoki sucks on his lover's bottom lip, arching into the tentative touches his partner gives, fingers trailing over his neck and slipping teasingly over his hips. Katsura doesn't waste time responding, slipping his tongue past his lover's teeth as he presses up against the other body. Gintoki tangles one of his hands in black hair, and the other curls around Zura's waist, making the remaining space between their bodies disappear. Shinpachi feels his cheeks burn as he watches his boss buck wantonly against Zura, laying a hickey on the smaller man's throat. Katsura pulls away to take a breath, nipping the skin under his jaw line until his lips reach Gin's earlobe. Shinpachi watches Zura take his lover's ear in his mouth, probably whispering something to him. It makes Gintoki chuckle and he presses one last firm kiss on Katsura's mouth before pulling away.
"G'night."
Shinpachi watches this whole ordeal with a face that now closely resembles a tomato with a pair of glasses on. He swallows audibly and licks his lips, knowing that this was not something he was supposed to know about. He's not, well, turned on or anything, but his hormones seem to accept quite quickly that his boss looks almost... attractive in the presence of another male. Shinpachi decides that Gin-san looks better with a man than he does with a woman. Or the weather girl.
He's snapped back to the impending reality that his boss is getting money from his lover - a revolutionary - when Katsura's voice cuts through the silent night (which had been previously filled with his keening mewls, but Shinpachi crushes that thought as quicky at it comes.)
"G'night, Gintoki. You as well, Shinpachi-kun," the terrorist waves cheerily at him through the dark before leaping over rooftops into the night.
Shinpachi's left eye is twitching and his boss is staring at him expectantly.
"Oi, are you coming in or not?"
The next day, Shinpachi beats Yamazaki up in the middle of the street with his own badminton racket and then treats him to Haagen Dazs.
"Where'd you get the money from?" asks Yamazaki, a bit surprised.
"I got a lover," deadpans Shinpachi, eye still twitching and thinking thank god Kagura didn't see that.
an: i don't know where he gets all that dough! every second chapter, he's playing pachinko, and i'm like, 'dude! where's the cash coming from!' of course, i can't resist ginzura. like, at all.
drop a review! i want to know if my make-out writing skills actually had any effect on ya'll. ;)