The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most
Disclaimer: We've covered this… I don't own it so let's just get over the fact that life dealt me bad hand and I don't own it and move on with our lives I know I have.
The razor cut into his skin as he slid it up his arm, it leaving a red trail behind it. He closed his eyes but he couldn't feel anything. He was numb. Completely and utterly. Numb. This wasn't the first time he'd done it. But the other times were just experiment. Usually the plastic snapped off a CD case but this time he'd gone deeper used shaper tools. Yet he still couldn't feel it.
He was Seth Cohen. Happy sarcastic 14-year-old. If only everyone knew the sleepless nights. The crying sessions. But nobody took notice because nobody wanted to. And that had only encouraged him to go on. Sure his parent's loved him but they were too busy and what 14 year old hangs with his parents? So he'd just come in and shut himself in his room. Blasting his emo music or just sitting in silence.
He welcomed the silence.
He loved the silence.
It gave him perspective in life. He could just sit for hours in his own presence thinking over his life.
It wasn't that he liked himself. Quite the opposite. He loved the loneliness and silence because he could do what he wanted.
Be himself.
But today was different. He didn't want to hurt himself. He didn't want to feel alone. Today was the first day that Seth Cohen actually wanted to kill himself.
And she was the only thing that stopped him. Not through words. God no she didn't even know who he was. That was plainly obvious from today but to just catch a glimpse of her raven hair swinging as she laughed with her friends. Or to watch her smile and he could pretend that it was at him when he knew it was at the water-polo playing jock behind him.
And when that water-polo playing jock pushed past him and added a 'Get out of my way geek' and Summer didn't even pay attention it hurt him. He'd always be the boy that no-one noticed, that sat on the back desk, that got slammed into lockers. And he was fine with that as long as he had her to watch from a distance. But today was one of the first day's he felt like he hated her. But of course he didn't because she was Summer.
But then again he was Seth. Under her radar.
And so he was back to hating her.
And for once he wished he had a friend to take the silence away. To stop him from going crazy in his head. He even wished his parent's where there just to stop him. But no one was and Seth pleaded temporary insanity.
He stared at the bottle of sleeping pills for an hour before he even contemplated it.
He poured the whole 50 onto his hand. Glass of water at the ready. But when it came down to it he couldn't. He threw them against the wall and felt like screaming.
But then he realised his parent's would be home soon and quickly cleaned up the mess.
And the silence was disturbed. But not from spoken words but a ringing telephone.
He quickly bounded down the stairs in hope of some contact.
"Hello?" He answered into the phone.
"Hey honey" His mom answered into the phone.
"Hey Mom"
"Listen I'm going to have to stay late at work and your father is out of town for the night so will you be ok to cook for yourself?" She asked.
Seth's face immediately fell. Not that his mom could see.
"Umm yeah sure" he said his voice a little more sullen then when he answered.
"Ok sweetie I will try to get home before 8, bye" She said and hung up. Seth hung up to and put the phone back and looked to his watch. 4.09 pm it read he sighed another 8 hours, if he rounded, to be alone.
He didn't blame his parent's they had no idea what he did when he was alone. He told them he liked being alone, he joked with his dad that he liked having them out the house to do what he wanted. And most of him did. But another part of him wanted them to stay so he wouldn't feel alone.
He'd been self-harming since he started high school. In middle school he'd been bullied but not to the same extent he'd been in High School.
At first he didn't need to cover up the wounds they were just pathetic little attempts to match his mood, pathetic. But when they started getting worse he'd starting wearing wristbands to cover them up.
Not that anyone would notice if he didn't.
After the phone call he walked up to his room once more.
He walked into the en suite bathroom and looked for the razor that had been abandoned earlier.
As he looked for it he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.
He looked sad, pathetic, weak all the things that where pounded into him everyday.
He stood just looking at himself for minutes, maybe hours Seth wasn't really counting.
It wasn't because he thought he was good-looking and hot and needed at least half an hour to do his hair. He just stood thinking on how he hated himself so much. It wasn't even the type of hate when you'd say 'I hate myself' it was pure emotional hate as if he could kill the person staring back at him.
But he still didn't have it in him. He quickly let his eyes fall to the razor in his hand and slowly wiped away the previous blood leaving room for new scars to be made.
This was his relief. His escape.
And afterwards he'd feel something. Something he couldn't feel in any other situation. He'd feel 2 different things after wards. He felt like retching at the beginning physically being sick but after the nausea washed away he felt pleased with himself.
Pleases he could actually do something and be remotely good at it.
The intention was when he started was to find someone that would make him stop. Someone that would constantly check up on him just to see if he'd done it again. Someone that would make him promise them never to do it again. Someone that would take anything remotely sharp away. Someone to make him open up.
But after 3 months and none of that had come he started making the wounds deeper and 6 months in he just didn't care anymore.
He kept his darker side to himself. It was a side he wanted no one to see because it was the real him. He was buried under a shell. And everyone just saw the comic book loving geek and he wanted to keep it that way.
He sighed as he finished up the wounds wiping away the new blood and wiping the sweat, which he didn't know was forming, from his brow.
He pulled down the sleeve of his shirt and put his happy Seth Cohen on just to be sure his parent's didn't come home early.
He shut the bathroom door.
But also shut his dirty little secret away.
A 16-year-old Seth Cohen sat on his bed. Thinking over his lonely years. He was different now. The old Seth Cohen was gone well most of it anyway but sometimes whenever Seth felt sad he would sometimes contemplate maybe just pulling the razor up his arm one last time but this time someone would notice, someone would care.
But today felt different. His girlfriend had broken up with him. Because her dad didn't like her. But it wasn't just any old girl it was her. The her that he'd self-harmed over before.
But he'd promised himself nearly 1 year ago he wouldn't.
And he couldn't help himself as he picked up the razor that sat beside the sink.
And he couldn't help as it slid up his skin.
He'd heard somewhere before that cutting was like a drug easy to start and hard to stop completely and anyone that had self-harmed before would know that somewhere in the back of your mind it's always there. You could find a moment of weakness and turn to your old ways.
And that was what Seth Cohen did. He found a moment of weakness and all of a sudden the razor was slicing up his arm again.
He self harmed for nearly a year and a half and no one seemed to notice.
But he knew they would now.
And all of a sudden he had the urge to stop.
He felt the sick feeling again but there was no proud ness or smile to follow just the feeling that he was going to be sick.
He heard his bedroom door open and closed himself bracing himself. Whoever it was, it was going to be bad.
He tried his best to cover up the cuts but damn himself for wearing that yellow polo.
The intruder that had entered stopped as she opened the bathroom door. Knocking before hand.
"Cohen" She called out. And Seth knew who it was. What was she here to break up with him again.
"Uhh… just a sec" He said looking around for some kind of escape or something to hide it. But maybe he was just looking for time. He knew it was going to come out. How could it not? Here he was with a arm full of blood scars making a reappearance and new ones appearing and a bloody razor on the sink that had blood over it.
After a few minutes of looking around and not finding one the girl opened up.
Seth quickly looked up to see her gasp and her eyes fill with tears.
"W… Wh… what are yo… you doing?" She asked stuttering. She'd never know Seth had a side like this. He looked up into her eyes his own eyes matching hers.
Seth didn't have an answer what was he doing? It was his moment of weakness. Cutting was like an illness that you had to battle. It was the battle of self-destruction.
She quickly rushed round the bathroom. Grabbing a towel and covering his wounds as she silently sobbed to herself.
When he took the towel from her pressing it to his cuts. She quickly stood washing the sink trying to get rid of any trace of what he'd been doing.
Seth glanced at her as she scrubbed her face determined to wash the blood away. He walked into his closet changing his yellow polo into a vintage tee and one of his old wristbands that he only used occasionally.
When he came back in he found her on his bed her legs held up to her chest and tears falling from her eyes. He glanced into the open bathroom and saw it was sparkling not a trace except for the bloody towel on the floor.
He would clean it later.
He walked over to his bed sitting down.
"Why?" She suddenly asked after a moment's silence.
And this question played in Seth's mind for a while. He didn't even know why himself sometimes so how was he supposed to answer that.
After a few minutes of silence Summer noted the deep look on his face. She'd never seen Seth like this, the hurt wounded type. He was in deep concentration of thinking.
"Is this the first time?" She asked. Her legs still pulled to her chest as she leaned against the headboard and Seth sat at the foot of the bed.
"No" he said something for the first time of her entering his room. Her face looked a little shocked and guilty and he realised how that must have sounded. "It's the first time in a year" He reassured knowing she was thinking that she hadn't noticed it before. "I started when I was nearly 15 and stopped when I was nearly 16" He said. She nodded at his information.
"Why?" She asked again looking into his eyes.
"Um… when I was 14 it was because of the loneliness you know no friends, parents that were barely home and just now I don't know why" He said.
"Was it because of me?" She said but Seth hardly heard it. But he did hear it and that cut daggers into him. He gulped not sure of what to say.
He shrugged and then cursed himself. But what was he supposed to say? "I don't know, Summer, but it was moment of weakness every self harmer has them in the back of their minds" He said voicing his thoughts from earlier. She nodded and pulled her knees closer to herself leaning her head on them.
Seth pulled his legs into an Eskimo position with his head in his hands unsure of what to do.
"I'm sorry" she said again barely audible but Seth still heard it. He took her hand in his own pulling his away from his head and he's away from her leg. It was the first bit of physical contact minus when she gave him the towel.
"What for?" He asked in whisper as well.
"For hurting you them years ago, for hurting you today, for making you do that" She said with a nod backwards to the bathroom.
They were both on the same level. He knew that she was feeling guilty right now and she knew that on some kind of level this had nothing to do with her.
She quickly climbed onto his lap and freely sobbed into his new t-shirt. He wondered why she was crying but he knew on some level it was out of guiltiness, hurt and maybe even love.
So he just wrapped his arms around the smaller brunette, stroking her hair.
After a few minutes of sitting like this she pulled back. And he wondered if maybe she would turn around and say that her father was right they weren't good together.
She brushed away her tears and the few that Seth had. "Promise me…" She started "…Promise me you won't do it again" She said.
And Seth smiled because for once he had someone to promise.
"I promise" He said. She nodded and quickly returned her head to his chest feeling his heart beating. Them 2 words made her realise something. She realised she loved him. Maybe it would be a while before she actually voiced these feelings but just knowing that he was stopping for her. She couldn't help but feel it.
And Seth always knew that whoever made him promise to stop first would be the one he loved. And it was.
Ok so thanks for reading I just want to let you know that this story is pretty close to me. Yep that means I'm a recovered self harmer and it is hard. Really hard like some people can just sit back and judge and ask "Why the hell would you do that to yourself" (I know I did do that before I became one) but you never know until you there in that position. Like I said in the story it's a drug and even when you get over the addiction it's still always there in the back of your mind. And plus you have the scars to remind you but when I look at my scars I'm sorta proud of them. Not proud of what I did but proud that I managed to stop. And yeah I'm not gonna lie and say as soon as you stop your back to your old happy self again cos your not I stopped a few months ago and I'm not the same person before… but enough with my rant but I really want to know what you all think of this.
And another reason I wrote this was because I wanted to write something but all my other stories I've lost inspiration for so maybe if I could get some inspiration i.e. reviews then I'll post sooner! (Hint, hint)
Please review I really would love to
know what you all think! And also this maybe a oneshot but i may write another chapter.. i'm leaving the ball in your court so if you would like to see another chapter tell me any ideas you may have for this cos frankly I wouldn't know what to put next!
Amie xx