It had finally happened. The day that I had been waiting for had come. I had a date with Tseng.
It had come so suddenly; I couldn't believe it at first. But I had wished; pleaded with the gods above for this dream to come true… And perhaps, for once, they had been merciful.
The past days had gone in a blur. Getting him was so simple; I could almost laugh. All I had to do was ask him! I remember I had combed my hair just right that day, straightened my already immaculate suit, and strode over him so confidently that I almost convinced even myself that I had poise. And I asked, "Do you want to come over to my house for dinner tomorrow?" And it was done.
Everything had to be special tonight. I spent hours on the food, dimmed the lights, and drew back the curtains so that the soft moonlight could bathe us while we ate. Candles flickered on the dining table, their flames dancing in the gentle wind. And now, all that was missing was Tseng.
I knew I loved him at once I my laid eyes on him. He was just so perfect… he was everything I wanted to be. His power, his poise, his intelligence… my incompetence, my clumsiness, my despair… could he really ever see what I felt? When I look into his deep gray eyes, I feel that I am drowning into a peaceful lull. And I would stare for hours, trying to unlock the mysteries that lie beneath his cold shell. But they were always so out of reach.
'Until now…' I mused, "Out of reach until now." I glanced at the clock. Eight-thirty already… he was late. I bit my lip in desperation. Where could he be? Would he not show up? Could he not care?
'Of course not,' I told myself, trying to soothe the ache that was forming in my heart, 'Tseng wouldn't do that…'
I was no rookie to the game of love. There were the countless men who had tried to be "the one" for me. And they failed. Hopelessly. And I pretended that they were the one for me, too, that they could fill the gap that was growing inside of me. I let myself be used and abused, I let them exploit my body because I thought that was what love was supposed to be like. It was just another word for me… until Tseng came along. He gave the word meaning. And suddenly, it sounded much more appealing.
Reno had told me before that I would never have a chance with Tseng. He came to the headquarters drunk one day, mumbling incoherent gibberish here and there to anyone who would listen. And out of the blue, he just blurted, "Tseng will never love you," in a soft, childish voice and went back to his bottle of Corona. Reno was always the most truthful when he was drunk… and that just made it hurt so much more. He couldn't understand, I needed Tseng. He was the only one who could fill my empty soul with life. So when Tseng accepted, I wanted to laugh in Reno's face. To say, "You were wrong. He loved me all along and just didn't show it. He needs me, too… the way I need him."
Doesn't he see how much I need him? Aeris can never do what I can for him! Her love so is selfish, so unwilling to give… her love is tainted, not pure. She doesn't know how to love like I can…
The doorbell rang, and I jumped out of my reverie. I drew in a deep breath and opened the door with a slight smile. Tseng, in his characteristic blue suit, was standing with a dozen of pale pink roses in his grasp. I ushered him in and watched him look around the room with a steady, emotionless gaze. He hadn't mentioned the candlelight, the breeze, the moonlight… all he said was a single detached greeting. He hadn't even looked at me.
I thought I could feel my heart shatter right there, into a million pieces so that no one could ever put it back together again. So no one would ever find it and play with my emotions in such a way. Uncried tears burned in the back of my eyes as I struggled to keep them in. He sat in a chair at the table, staring absently at the food ahead of him, without a word to say. And I walked to sit across from him, forking over some spaghetti into my own plate.
The silence grew and lasted painfully. I wanted to lash out, to scream, to tear down the gods from heaven and to burn them with my tears. So they could suffer with me, too, while my dreams shriveled away before my eyes.
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I don't want to seem cruel, but I never did love her. Not at all. Sure, she's beautiful, but I see girls like her all the time. And they're all the same. She's just another of those girls who think I'm perfect, one of those girls who want me for my power. Please, spare me. I needed someone different. I needed someone to love me no matter what. Someone like Aeris.
But Aeris was taken, by a man who was just pulling her around on marionette strings. I wanted to grab Cloud by the shirt and slit his throat, to watch his blood flow through my fingers… to feel the victory. To subdue the one who caused Aeris so much pain and to finally claim her for my own. But that was never going to happen.
I was never perfect. I was never what everyone expected me to be. I just another sinner in a world filled with them, waiting for my angel to come redeem me. I wait for the one who can cleanse the blood on my soul with her love, with her purity.
I took a gulp from the wine glass and felt my head and throat scream in protest. The alcohol burned through my throat and my mind swerved, but I regained myself. I needed her, and she couldn't even acknowledge my existence. What happened to us, Aeris?
Time passes slowly with Elena, it's just another thing I can't explain. At least her usually incessant whining had died down to allow a wave of silence to fill the room. It was unnerving how she was able to keep quiet today, to leave her jabbering to herself. Silence truly is golden.
But it depends on the person. The silence that grows between Aeris and I tears me apart piece by piece until I wonder how much is really left of me. The alcohol begins to blur my vision and I let myself dream that I'm actually spending time with Aeris… not Elena. Never Elena.
But maybe just for tonight, I'll let both our dreams come true. Elena can believe that I could love her, that I am as perfect as she thinks I am, that I will forget about Aeris. And I… I will forget that she is Elena and she will become my Aeris…
I move my chair over, closer to her, and I see her body tense with anticipation. Her blue eyes glimmer with the faintest hope, and her lips part expectantly. And I give in. I gently pull her closer to me, and cover her mouth with mine. The only thing I taste is alcohol, and I am content. I run my fingers through her stringy blond hair and I pretend that it is Aeris's soft brown locks I am stroking. And I let her pretend that I am truly interested in her… That I need her the way she needs me. But don't think I'm cruel… After all, we're only pawns in a game of pretend.
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Authoress's Notes: To clear things up, I don't hate Elena… : ) In fact, I think she's one of the coolest characters in the whole game. I just wanted to look at the whole Tseng/Elena relationship in a different perspective.