AN: So I was listening to 'Stop and Stare' by OneRepublic (don't own it, by the way) and thinking that it fits what happened to Neil after the play...
So here is the plot bunny...enjoy!
Stop and Stare
This
town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our
move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere
but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
"But that's...ten years! Father, that's a lifetime!"
Steady
hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Neil couldn't look at his father on the way home. Maybe if he didn't look at his face, he wouldn't have to face the questioning, the disapproval.
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead
"I've got to tell you what I feel!" He's going to tell him, let him see, and maybe, just maybe, his father will see what he sees and, just for once, be happy for him. Maybe.
It
was useless trying to explain of course. He'd been shot down before
he'd even started, falling, as if in slow motion, back into the
chair with a regretful "Nothing..."
Stop
and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that
everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
And as he sits behind his father's desk with a gun in his hand, Neil wonders how it came to this. A cold metal gun that holds his only way out.
Stop
and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And
you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you
really need
Oh, can you see what I see
It's
not fair, just not fair...but his father doesn't see that. He just
sees his son leading a better life than he did. Making more of
himself. But..."He's never asked how I
feel!" That was what he told Keating, who gave him a solution that
sounded so simple, but when it came to applying it, he failed in the
worst way. They're
trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I
never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna
run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm
standing down...
He
rests the gun on his temple and pulls the trigger. It seems as
natural as blinking. But...something's not right. There's no
blackness, no end to life. It's as though there are two Neils, one
that has pulled the trigger and is lying, crumpled and broken on the
floor of his father's study, and one sitting, undecided, with the
gun to his head, slowly lowering it to the desk. Stop
and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that
everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop
and stare
And suddenly his mind in assaulted by images, snippets of speech against the background of static from an illegal radio that only works on the roof
"You say things...and people listen-"
"Congratulations Neil,"
"Carpe Diem!"
"Truth...like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold-"
"-I'll kill myself!"
"I'm not like that,"
"Don't you think you could be?"
Don't you think you could be. His words, to Todd, asking him if he could be the person people listened to. Couldn't I?
You
start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything
to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you
don't need
Time
seems to stand still, and Neil is no longer part of its equation.
Reality has shot off in two, completely separate directions, both
with huge consequences, but which one to choose? Death is easy. His
pain will no longer be his own, but shared among his friends, and
anyone who knows/knew him. Living is much harder. There's the
possibility of military school, of a life sentence living his
father's dreams. But...there's room for change. Nothing is
finalised. He could be given the chance to chase his own dreams,
forge out his own paths What
you need, what you need... Stop and stare
I think I'm
moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But
I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see
Neil slowly, puts the gun down, wraps it back up and slides it into the drawer. He moves like a ghost back to his room, knowing that tomorrow will be the hardest of his life, that he could regret his decision not to take the easy way out, but at the same time, knowing that as long as he's alive, there's a chance for change.
AN: And I kind of went off on one here...I was just going to follow Neil's suicide scenes with my take on his emotions and the song lyrics...instead we have this very odd parallel universe type thing...
By the way, I HATE the ending...so if you can think of how it could possibly end better...please tell me (:
Smiles
--CBT