All Our Heroes by Ness Ayton
This first appeared in the series of "Frak" zines.
"The American government are getting worried about the increased activity on an estate somewhere deep in the heart of the country. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to find out what is going on. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds." (Fizzle! Pffff! Splutter! Cough! How come Jim Phelps never gets a faceful of acrid smoke when his tape self-destructs?)
Now are the team ready? A more blood-curdling lot it would be hard to find; they'd strike terror into the heart of the staunchest actor ……. I mean spy …… and they're all armed to the teeth with autograph books and pens …….. sorry, rifles and hand guns! Now don't get carried away you lot, remember this is a top secret reconnaissance mission.
First hurdle – the twelve foot wall – we don't have any twelve foot people or even pole vaulters with us so we'll just have to use our initiative! Where's the ladder? Hey there! Wait a minute! I'm the leader of this team so I'm going up first. Don't argue, I'm going!
Well, her I am, on top of the wall …….. er, did anyone remember to bring the parachutes? What do you mean jump, it's only twelve foot high?! YOU aren't up her, I am! Mind you, the view's lovely ……. I think I'll stay up here and …… oh, you've decided to come up and join me, have you? Well, in that case, you can jump first! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! I suppose you think that's funny?! I could have broken my leg! Yes, I know I didn't, but that's not the point – I could have! Honestly some people have no respect for their leaders!
So here we are, pussyfooting our way around the trees in the garden and up to the house. There don't appear to be any booby traps or surveillance equipment , but one never knows, so we're keeping a low profile! (I've always wondered why people creep around sideways when watching houses, showing off their profiles, haven't you?)
Suddenly the patio opens out before us and we melt into the shadows of trees, bushes and daisies – whatever cover is available. What's that small gale blowing around us? A pink helicopter? Don't be silly, who's ever heard of a pink helicopter? Next you'll be telling me you've seen flying elephants!
Hello there's some movement in the house. Yes, the doors are being flung open and the occupants are pouring out. They're all very familiar to us from the files and photos we keep in our bedrooms ….. er, offices. Out come the binoculars so we can keep a close watch on the goings on of this motley group.
The party is being presided over by Judge Hardcastle who seems to have everything well organised. (No you can't ask him for a drink of water; keep quiet). What's that screech of tyres and smell of burning rubber? Oh, it's just Skid McCormick arriving in his custom built car – late as usual and flashy with it. (Cough! Choke!) I think I'll move away from the drive just in case anyone else arrives late. Help, the dust raised by Skid's car is suffocating! Mind you there's no contest between that car and KITT which is already parked outside the house.
Hm, talking of KITT, has anyone seen Michael Knight or Devon? You have? Where? Over by the pool? Oh yes I see them lurking there with the Simon brothers (plus dog!) And isn't that Remington Steele beside the geranium, glass of wine in hand? Hmmmm dreamy! Oh sorry, this is supposed to be an objective observation. (No I can't see what wine he's drinking from here, but he's certainly enjoying it).
Ah, the water's obviously pleasant and both Sonny Crockett and Templeton Peck are taking full advantage of the pool. (We didn't bring our swimming costumes you idiot! And no, you can't just go in anyway!)
Who's that in the wetsuit? Jack Striker? Can't be! I thought he gave all that up when he started modelling. You're right; it is Jack! I bet Dani is jealous at being left behind. Oh and I've just spotted BA and Tubbs having a quiet chat in the shade of that yew tree over there – hope our camouflage is as good as theirs. And is that Kojak sunbathing? Oops no, it's just an upturned flowertub!
Murdock is helping the Judge serve the guests. He's pretending to be an English butler, (stop giggling they'll hear you) and very good he is too. I can't see Hannibal at the moment but there's a very strange person lurking in the house. Oh it's all right it's the Greatest American Hero, although I must admit I'm not surprised he's a little reluctant to come out and mix considering the clothes he's wearing. Ah Hannibal's gone over to talk to him – ever thoughtful is our Colonel Smith. And Illya and Napoleon are skulking amongst the rose bushes near the door, what a suspicious pair they look!
There seems to be some sort of police convention being held round the barbecue. Wow that smell is making me feel really hungry. Let's see who's there. Well, Starsky and Hutch are supervising the sausages whilst Hooker and Romano are splitting open the rolls. Dan Robbins and Steve Keller are standing at the table preparing the kebabs; and in the background McGarrett and Danno are garnishing the hamburgers (yum, yum). (No I don't suppose they'll cancel your parking tickets – no, not even if you ask them nicely!)
And who are these arriving late, running across the back lawns? Nick, Cody and Boz? Yes, I thought someone was missing from this little get-together – and, okay, I believe you, it was a pink helicopter!
This is all beginning to look very interesting. You know it suddenly strikes me that someone has either got a highly trained private army; or, the gorgeous male equivalent of a harem! Hm, this is one piece of information that the US government isn't going to get! Well, good luck to them in all their enterprises and may they keep our lives from getting dull! Hey, come back here you lot, we're supposed to be undercover! Look at them!
Oh wel,, you know what they say, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, so I'm signing off. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!