October 15th, 2012
Francis is in the shower again, which gives me more than enough time to either make breakfast or set his things on fire for taking too long. Since the latter would just slow my day down even further, I dragged myself up and headed to the kitchenette in our small apartment.
It's not that I hate Francis. In fact, we're fairly close friends, close enough to decide to move in with each other in our last year of University. The apartment was shabby but we weren't complaining. It was more than enough for the two of us.
As I passed by the washroom, I made a statement by banging on the door, hoping Francis would get the point and let me brush my damn teeth. I would not be late just because he needs extra time to fix his hair.
This happens on a daily basis. I wake up and wait until Francis gets his butt out of the bathroom then sprints off towards class. It had become my normal routine and I was more than happy with the uniformity.
October 20th, 2012
The wind blew in my ears as we walked through the crowded sidewalks around the campus. I probably should have worn a hat… I glanced up at the sky to check for chances of rain before turning back to give Francis my attention.
"Antonio, I promise that it won't be too bad. I'm just… a little intimidated by him, alright? If his younger sister was here, I'd be fine! Feli is such a sweet girl." Francis whined as we walked through the crowded streets.
"It's nothing to worry about." I told him, shrugging my shoulders.
Francis Bonnefoy had once again tricked me into doing something with him. I guess you could call me naive or gullible but I like to think of myself as a nice friend. This time, the 'something' was meeting his not-so-nice cousin. I just hoped this would all end well.
We made our way inside one of the small cafes littering the University campus. It was filled with friends who had decided to meet over coffee, or couples wanting to spend time together before being bombarded with exams. We found some seats beside the huge windows and settled down.
"I assure you that he'll be here soon" Francis told me, before promptly running off to flirt with the barista. I rolled my eyes and looked away, staring outside the window and admiring the golden leaves that swept and decorated the yellowing grass and grey asphalt.
Turning away from the view, I noticed Francis settling down, his cheek slightly reddened. I opened my mouth to speak but all the words were stolen out of my mouth along with my breath. A young man settled down beside Francis, his brown hair falling in curls. His face was beautiful and soft, as though it had been carved by angels.
Wait… What?
What was I thinking? I'm straight! There is absolutely NO way I could be interested in this guy. Was this my long lost artistic side finally crawling out, begging me to admire the beauty before me? But why must it be in this man?
My expression immediately stiffened and I looked back at Francis.
"So who's this?" I asked, my tone coming out harsher than intended. Francis raised his eyebrow at me before turning over to look at the other man.
"This is Lovino. He's my cousin." He announced, putting an arm around the other's shoulders.
"Distant cousin." The younger man muttered, glancing away. His voice was a low baritone and it made my heart skip a beat. Silently cursing myself, I got up and excused myself to escape to the bathroom, hoping this would all be over soon and I could go back to my usual self. A good, straight, Christian boy.
When we arrived at home, I threw myself onto my bed. Francis followed and settled down beside me.
"What happened back there? I thought you were going to kill Lovino and you don't even know him properly!"
"Shut up."
"No need to get so rude."
"I said shut up, Francis."
Sighing, he stood up, raising his hands up to signal defence. "Alright, alright, whatever you say.
But if there is something wrong, let me know." He said before wandering off to his own room.
October 29th, 2012
My eyes were set on my book but my mind was else were. More specifically, it was on Lovino. I don't know what to think of him! Could it be that I subconsciously feel as though we'd be great friends? Or was there more to this attraction?
My thoughts flew out of my mind when my door slammed open, revealing my half dressed roommate with a sly grin on his face.
"Antonio, will you be a dear and help your best friend out?" He asked, leaning against my wall.
I raised my eyebrow in suspicion before shrugging and nodding.
"Sure. What can I help you with?"
"You see, I made plans to meet up with dear Lovino today. My dear aunt wants us to bond so that he has at least someone he could talk to."
"So whats the problem?"
"The problem, my sweet Antonio, is that I have a date tonight with the lovely Barista from Café Rosa." He announced, smiling proudly. "And I need you to go hang out with Lovino to keep him happy."
I bit my lip, mulling it over. It would just be the two of them… What if he said or did something stupid? But why would that even matter? It was just one time.
Sighing and trying to ignore any doubts inside my mind, I nodded.
"Sure. It can't be that bad, right?"
November 23rd, 2012
Francis was a lying git. A lying, manipulative git that was definitely up to something. Back when he had asked me for help, I assumed I would just be helping out that one time. Unfortunately for me, Francis' dates with the barista, whose name he refused to tell me, grew more and more common and soon, he had absolutely no time for his cousin.
That meant I had been stuck with the job of entertaining and watching Lovino.
Of course, that wasn't exactly a bad thing. Over the past few weeks, I had learned that Lovino likes to work with his hands, whether it's cooking, sculpting, or gardening.
Today, we had another meet up. Lovino had found a newly built aquarium downtown and the two of us agreed to go there. During the bus ride, we sat beside each other, much like friends would. Except when you sit next to your friend, you don't feel like every single part of you that is touching them is on fire. And you definitely don't want to pull them in for a passionate kiss when they give you a shy smile. But Lovino didn't notice. He laughed at my bright red face before turning back to the window, a peaceful smile on his face.
His smile always made my chest warm. It was so rare and peaceful. It felt as though just his smile could wipe away all the misery in this world.
And then it was all gone.
"What the hell are you staring at, bastard?" He asked, eyebrow raised and an amused smirk on his lips. I stuttered a bit before simply shrugging and looking away.
What the hell was going on with me?
The trip to the aquarium had been wonderful. The two of us walked in silence, occasionally pointing out interesting creatures in their tanks. My favourite had been the sea turtle. We stood by the exhibit for almost half an hour, watching them swim through the water with grace. I snuck a glance at Lovino once more, only to see that his smile was back on his face. I turned away, feeling my face heating up again.
Lovino had taken my movement as a signal to keep going and began to walk, ignoring the tense awkwardness between us.
November 24th, 2012 : 2am
Lovino is still on my mind. Simply the thought of his smiles made my heart race to the point where it hurt. If only Francis hadn't forced me to be Lovino's entertainer. I don't even get paid for this! But it's not like I could just stop. Lovino thought of my as his friend now and I did too. It isn't as though I could just go to him and say:
'Sorry Lovino, but you make me feel like a faggot. We need to stop hanging out.'
No, that wouldn't work. I wouldn't know how Lovino would react to that. He WAS related to Francis. And Francis wouldn't be happy to hear me bashing gay love.
How disgusting.
Yet despite how much I rejected the idea of being in love with him, I couldn't help but admire him. His quiet chuckles at my jokes, his blush when I offered to pay for him, his voice when he spoke my name. It made my head spin. What the fuck was going on?
December 23rd, 2012
Most students were completely battle worn from exams and it was finally time to relax. To my surprise, however, it didn't seem that way with the art students.
It was the second day of the break, so I decided it was time for a walk around the campus. Most students had already left to go visit their family for the holidays so the sidewalks were fairly empty. Snow danced in the sky like ballerinas, which were nice to view from inside the warm coffee shop.
As I admired the beauty, someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around and immediately tensed up. Lovino smiled timidly, running a hand through his hair.
"Do you mind if I sit here?"
"Oh… Of course not! Go ahead. I was just… Uh… I was just relaxing."
At that he chuckled. "Of course. Needed to get away from Francis and his boyfriend?"
"Boyfriend?"
"Yeah. Arthur. The dude that works at Café Rosa?"
Looks like I had something interesting to talk about with Francis later on. Deciding that it wasn't important at the very moment, I let it go.
"He didn't tell you? That sleaze ball. I bet you anything that he's been cancelling our plans for his new boy toy. Not really surprised though."
"Whats that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing… It's just… My family generally doesn't pay too much attention to me so I'm used to being put on second place and forgotten."
I frowned at that. How could someone so wonderful be pushed away and forgotten?
"I don't think you're second place.
"Heh… No need for your sympathy, Antonio. I'm used to it. It's fine."
"It's not fine! You're so wonderful and talented and kind! How could your own family treat you like that?"
Lovino just shrugged and looked down at his hands. They were currently fidgeting with the festive napkins that were set up on the tables.
"I guess they just never found anything interesting in me. Especially compared to my younger sister." At this, he paused to chuckle and shake his head. "She's an airhead but she's talented too. Best artist I've ever seen. And she's a great cook, too. Plus, she's always so kind and bubbly. Compared to her, I'm just some grumpy, useless, lump of nothing."
Without thinking, I reached out and took his hand, giving it a small squeeze. He looked up, staring me straight in the eye, making my heart leap.
"Don't… Don't say things like that about yourself. You're caring, passionate, and talented! If you were really as untalented as you claim to be, I doubt you would have been able to get into this school's art programs yet here you are!"
He shot a glare at me before looking away, shaking his head, trying his hardest not to smile.
Our conversation went far into the evening. We attempted to lighten the subject by talking about exams but that conversation went downhill quickly. Instead, I began to talk about my childhood, talking about how we used to have a small dog that I was absolutely in love with, or how my older brother ran away from home when he was 16, or how much my parents tried to shove their religious beliefs down my throat and how often I struggled because of them. I don't think I've ever opened up this much to a person before… Not even Francis!
Before we realized, it was time for the café to close. As we exited the small shop, Lovino turned to speak to me.
"Hey… I've been meaning to ask. I need a model for my live art sketch and I was wondering if you could possibly help me out?" He asked, avoiding my eyes.
"Oh, uh… What do you want me to do?"
"Just… Just pose while I sketch you. I need some practice."
And that's how I found myself in an art studio, wearing nothing but tight underwear. Normally, I wouldn't have reacted. I know that I look good. However, every time Lovino would glance up at me from his sketch book, I thought my legs would turn to jelly.
The worst of it had been when he decided to get up and fix my pose. Without saying a word, he walked up behind me and began to move my limbs to where he needed them. His long, thin fingers would slide against my bare skin, setting in ablaze as they went. Lovino walked around me until he was finally facing me. Both of us had a healthy blush on our cheeks but neither wanted to acknowledge it. He lifted his hands up once again and gently touched my chest. I shut my eyes, holding back a soft groan as he slid them down by body before pulling away. I opened my eyes again, unsure of what had just happened. Was I disappointed that he wasn't touching me anymore?
I had been so lost in my thoughts that before much longer, he was done sketching and I was getting dressed. I avoided his eyes the entire time, hoping he didn't notice my embarrassment.
Unfortunately, nothing seemed to be going my way today and he had come over to talk to me.
"Thank you so, so much." He said, awkwardly rubbing his neck.
"It wasn't a problem. I'm glad I could help." I replied, trying to stop myself from blushing.
"Right…. So I don't know if you're interested or anything but maybe we could go out for coffee sometime."
"Coffee?"
"Or just food. Anything really."
"Are you asking me out on a date?"
"Well… If you want to look at it that way, then yes…"
I froze. So this guy was one of them. Then it must have been his fault all along! He had done something to make me like this!
"You… You're gay?"
"You're not?"
I froze. I felt torn. Part of me was screaming 'Yes! He's interested! Say yes and you two will be the happiest you've ever been!'. However, it was the other part of me that won over.
"I can't believe I thought you were normal! I should have realized you were a fucking faggot! I bet you weren't even sketching me, you fucking freak!"
I felt a hand collide against my face and I fell back. By the time I realized what had happened, Lovino had gone out the door, leaving me alone in the dark art room.
On my walk back, I rewound the situation. Nothing made any sense to me. I hadn't done anything wrong. HE was the one that was wrong. Completely wrong. And he was trying to drag me along with him.
Then why did being with him feel so right?
I was always told that being gay was a sin. Man and man don't belong with each other.
Upon my arrival at home, I spent hours in bed, trying to understand what the hell was going on with me. Finally, I just decided to give in and dragged myself out of bed.
"Francis?" I called out, in hopes that my roommate hadn't run off with his new partner. I pushed open the door to his room to find him typing away furiously at his computer. He immediately turned around, charming smile already plastered on his face.
"What is in, Tonio? Do you seek advice from me? Well in that case, make yourself comfortable, my dear friend."
I rolled my eyes and settled down. "I… I'm a little confused."
"Does it by any chance have something to do with what you said to my cousin?"
"…."
"Antonio, don't just walk away! Tell me what happened! I thought you two were getting along well!"
"You never told me that he was … gay…."
"I didn't really think it mattered."
"Of course it matters! I don't want him spreading his disease onto me!"
At this, Francis scoffed. "If you think loving someone is a disease, you should get your brain checked."
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that if someone loves someone, it shouldn't matter what gender or sex that person is.
Isn't it about who the person is? Isn't it about the beautiful feeling you get when you're around them? Isn't love what's in your heart and not what's in your pants?"
"Didn't expect to hear that from a guy who changes girlfriends like underwear."
"GET OUT!"
His face was covered in a mask of rage but I was not done.
"Why did I even bother to come ask you? You're just as much of a fag as he is. It's probably in your family line. Freaks…"
Without waiting for a response, I quickly stood up and made my way out of the room.
And once again, my thoughts brought me back to HIM.
Then I did something I never thought I would do. I took Francis' advice.
I began to list off all the qualities in Lovino that I liked; His timid smile, his slick fingers, or how his eyes lit up when he spoke about his sketches. And I felt my face burn red. I felt my stomach flip. I felt a bubbling happiness in my chest.
Why had I been hiding from all of this? Lovino was just a person. He was gay before I knew him and I enjoyed his company back then… So why would it matter if I knew? It wouldn't change anything. And why do I have to hide these feelings of joy when I'm around him? Why do I feel the need to please my parents and their beliefs rather than just doing something for myself? Why should I take all these reactions as a bad sign when they feel so damn good?
Maybe I just needed to sleep on it…
December 25th, 2012: 11pm
I found myself back in my dorm, tear stains still on my face. This had either been the worst of best Christmas I've ever had.
Last night, my mother picked me up and drove me back home so we could celebrate Christmas all together. Just like every other Christmas, we prayed, we ate, and we exchanged gifts. But this night had been a little bit off. Despite my younger cousins screaming for my attention and my mother demanding help with the food, I still couldn't get my mind of of Lovino. The fury and hate that filled his eyes as he slapped me and stormed out the door was tormenting me and I had no one to talk to. Especially now that I had screwed things up with my best friend.
I awoke the next morning feeling just as melancholy as before. Unfortunately for me, my mother had noticed.
"Antonio, what is wrong with you? You're normally so happy on Christmas. Are you not happy to see your family again?"
"I… No… I've had something on my mind. I'm sorry for being such a downer."
"Something on your mind? Is my Toni in love?"
I cringed. Would she care if she knew? Would she kick me out and disown me? Or would she take me in her arms and tell me that she loved me no matter what I was?
Just as I opened my mouth to speak, my father walked inside, muttering something about how my brother hadn't bothered to show up again. Not a big surprise. João refused all contact with their family, not wanting to be tied down my the closed minds of his parents.
I had been young when his brother left but I always wondered what had driven him away. Now, I think I'm starting to understand.
It had almost been time for my mother to drive me home when I finally got the guts to speak. I was sitting on the long, leather couch, staring out the window as small snowflakes fell outside. My mother walked in and ruffled my hair.
"Time to go… Do you think you can tell me whats wrong now?"
"I…uh… Well.. It's complicated."
"Oh? So are you really in love? Who is she? Is she smart? Do you have pictures?"
Once again, I cringed. I guess it was now or never.
"Mama…. I think… I think I'm gay."
"What?"
"I said, I think I-"
"I heard you the first time. What the hell do you mean by that?"
Queue the blush. "I mean that I think I fell for a guy…"
There was a moment of silence where my mom collapsed in the armchair, covering her face with her hands.
I thought we raised you better, Toni…. We gave you so much."
"But my mom, I-"
"Shut up, Antonio! How am I supposed to accept something like this? How could you be so selfish and not think about how your poor mother might feel?"
I felt stunned. An astonished chuckle came out of my mouth before I turned away and headed towards the door.
"AND DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK" came my mom's voice from the living room.
My heart felt heavy.
I walked back to the campus through the snow, confused about how I was supposed to feel. I was happy.. no… elated to have finally found and admitted the truth about myself. I wanted to sing it to the world. I'm gay and I love Lovino!
But the crushing thoughts about how my parents would never speak to me again, nor even acknowledge me, broke my heart. As oppressive and strict as they were, I loved them… And now they would never love me.
But now was not the time for that. Now was the time for me to right my wrongs with my best friend and fix as much as I could with Lovino… If that was even possible at this point.
January 5th, 2013.
I found myself standing face to face with Lovino at the cafe where we first met. He glared at me and tried to walk away but I held out my hand.
"Wait…. I… I want to talk."
"What? You want to call me a faggot? Push me in the snow? Make a joke out of me again?"
"No, I…. I wanted to apologize… I was wrong to say what I said."
"Yeah, no shit."
"Lovino, I'm so, so sorry, okay? If I could take it all back, I would. I swear, I would."
"An apology isn't enough, you know?"
"Then how about a coffee date? I'll pay."