Nature Girl
Disclaimer: I don't own them or anything else, so it would be counterproductive to sue me.
Author's Notes: This story is a completely insane idea that I couldn't get out of my head. I take no responsibility for the craziness ahead. Oh yeah, Casey and Olivia? They're together in this story as well, big surprise right??
Chapter 1
"Hey Elliot, ain't Olivia supposed to come back today?"
"Yeah," Elliot replies, glancing over to the former Narcotics detective.
"After two months of working with the FBI, we'll be lucky if she hasn't been brainwashed. We may get back an Olivia-shaped pod person," Munch interjects ominously.
Well known for his conspiracy theories, John Munch can always be counted on to see the long arm of Uncle Sam in everything from UFO's to Twinkies. Elliot and Fin look at each other briefly, before shaking their heads and ignoring Munch's ravings.
"Hey guys, I'm back," Olivia Benson's voice rings out from the door of the squad room.
All eyes turn towards the voices owner, intent on welcoming their friend back to work. The Olivia Benson standing before them was most definitely not the Olivia that left with Star Morrison two months ago.
Olivia's faded boot-cut jeans end over Birkenstocks and her flowing white shirt billows behind her as she sashays to her desk with a purse big enough to hide a body in.
"Um . . . hi?" Stabler stares at her almost completely blonde hair with unconcealed shock. In addition to being blonde, small braids decorate her hair, one on either side framing her face.
Oblivious to her fellow detective's shock, Olivia pulls the gun holster clipped to the back of her jeans off and lays it on her desk.
"What happened to your regular holster," Elliot asks, recovering a bit from the hair shock.
"Oh, this one's much better! Nothing had to die to make it. It's 100 percent all natural!" Olivia beams proudly.
"Is that hemp," Munch asks, approaching Olivia's desk cautiously.
"Uh huh," Olivia nods, still beaming.
Munch looks back and forth between Elliot and Fin a couple of times before speaking, "see, I told you . . . pod person."
Olivia looks at John quizzically for a beat, then takes her hemp incased gun and locks it in her desk drawer.
"Liv, you're um . . . a little different. What's up," Elliot asks, leaning in close to his partner.
"Different?" Olivia stares at him in confusion
"Well yeah, for starters, since when do we wear jeans to work?"
Glancing down at her attire, she frowns a little, before looking back up to her partner.
"Persephone's wardrobe didn't include business attire and I haven't had time to go shopping yet."
Elliot arches an eyebrow, "but you're not Persephone anymore, you're Olivia and Olivia likes leather, lots of it."
"Well maybe Olivia's changed," she pouts, which unsettles Elliot even more. Olivia doesn't pout.
"Are you sure you don't wanna talk to someone, like maybe Dr. Huang?"
Olivia laughs his question off, obviously not catching the not so subtle suggestion that she needs a shrink.
"You have such an angry aura Elliot! Relax, go with the flow. Be one with your environment."
Looking at his partner, who currently is pulling various crystals out of her large handbag and placing them strategically around her desk, he finds himself at a loss for words. Maybe Munch was right, maybe it is a pod person. Or maybe it's just a joke, that's it! It's all a big joke. Then he remembered that Olivia didn't have a sense of humor and nixed that idea as well.
Shaking his head, he decides that it's a lost cause and goes back to working on the report he'd been writing.
"Psssst, Elliot!"
Looking around, attempting to locate the origin of the whisper, he catches a glimpse of red hair ducking back behind the door frame. Has to be Novak, I don't know any other red heads. I wonder why she's hiding from Olivia, usually the two are attached at the hip, nauseating everyone around them with their cuteness. The earthy scent of patchouli incense wafts across from Olivia's desk and he suddenly has his answer.
Nonchalantly, Elliot gets up and makes his way to the door, attempting not to alert Olivia to his activities. Once in the hall, he scans for the young attorney, but she's no where to be found.
"Elliot, over here," a voice says from the vicinity of the large trash can.
Either the trash can is talking to me or Casey is hiding behind it. At that particular point, he really wasn't sure which thought was more disturbing. Rounding the object in question, he found the tall ADA crouched down on the floor uncomfortably.
"What the hell are you doing Casey?"
"I'm hiding from Olivia. She's lost it Elliot! I mean seriously lost it, looney, wacko, couple of fries short of a happy meal . . . however you want to put it." Casey's eyes are wide with fear.
Extending his hand out to help her up, she looks around for a moment before taking it.
"I mean have you actually talked to her yet??"
Sighing, Elliot answers, "oh yeah."
"I woke up this morning and found her tossing out all of my food and replacing it with organic crap. I have tofu and bean sprouts in my refrigerator Elliot! Then, I go to make a pot of coffee . . . and she'd thrown that out too, something about caffeine being unhealthy. Elliot, you know how I get if I don't have my coffee!!" The volume of Casey's voice increased with each word.
"Oh, and on top of all that? She tried to take my new leather briefcase," she stated, clutching the object to her chest tightly.
Noting the slightly insane glint dancing in the woman's eyes, Elliot placed his hands on the distraught woman's shoulders, attempting to calm her down.
"It's okay, whatever this is will pass. I'm sure . . ."
"Oh hell no, you ain't sticking no needles in me woman!"
Fin's voice is slightly panicked and Casey and Elliot turn just in time to see the normally calm, cool, and collected detective running out of the squad room with Olivia close on his heels.
"But Fin, I promise acupuncture doesn't hurt! Just ask John," Olivia pleaded, still running after Fin with acupuncture needles in hand.
"This is a disaster! What the hell did the FBI do to my girlfriend Elliot??"
"I don't know Casey. Why don't you subpoena George W. Bush and find out," he asked, grinning evilly.
"Bite me, Elliot."
Chapter 2
Elliot walked down the darkened hall of the DA's office, annoyed that Casey was so insistent about him coming by tonight. She could have talked to him about the trial tomorrow . . . but, like most red heads, Novak had the patience of an ill-tempered five year old.
As he got closer to the ADA's office a strange noise began to make itself known. He strained his ears, in an effort to identify the unusual noises. His brows knitted together in confusion. It sounded like the attorney was chanting. Not only was she chanting, but she was chanting in some strange language that Elliot had never heard.
Quietly, he snuck closer to the door, intent on peeking into the office before he made his presence known. The sight before him was enough to make a lesser man run away in fear.
Casey, or at least he thought it was Casey, was seated in the lotus position atop her desk . . . chanting. Candles circled the desk and offered the only illumination in the room. The normally professionally dressed attorney had her long red hair piled on top of her head loosely, with curly tendrils falling down around her face. Her 'power suit of doom' had been replaced by a long flowing brown skirt and a white linen top. He squinted his eyes, trying to see what kind of shoes she had on and just as he suspected, her feet were encased in the dreaded Birkenstocks.
She continued to chant happily, oblivious to her audience, as Elliot walked into the office. After a couple of moments, he got impatient and cleared his throat to get her attention.
She opened her eyes and smiled brightly.
"Just one moment Elliot, I have to finish closing my chakras first," she said, closing her eyes and resuming the annoying chanting.
Chakras? What the hell is she talking about?
He continued to stare at her in shock, his mouth hanging open, until she completed her little ritual and climbed off of her desk.
"Now, my spirit is refreshed. We were going to talk about the trial," Casey asks, sitting down at her desk.
"Your spirit is . . . refreshed?" He arches his eyebrow sharply at her.
"Oh yes, meditation is a wonderful stress reliever Elliot. You must try it, it's positively . . . orgasmic," she answers, the long, silver dangling earrings in her ears swinging back and forth.
Of course, being a man, the only word in that sentence that he focused in on was orgasmic.
"Orgasmic," he squeaked.
"Mmmmmm," the attorney purred seductively.
Bad Elliot. Damned visual images . . . stop it! She's not even straight, plus Olivia would castrate you . . . must go see Kathy.
He made a throaty sound, somewhere between a squeak and a moan. Swallowing convulsively around a tongue that suddenly seemed too large for his mouth, he reached up to loosen his tie and smiled self-consciously.
"Um, well, why was I here . . .oh yeah, the trial?"
"I just wanted to let you know that it's been rescheduled for next week."
"Why?"
She grinned at him like a mother would a child.
"Elliot, you should know! Tomorrow the stars are in alignment with Mars and Jupiter's orbit is processionally opposite of Saturn's!" She gave him an incredulous look, amazed that he didn't know the significance of tomorrow.
Huh?!
His eyebrows were knitted so closely together that he appeared to have a uni-brow.
"Is that good," he asked, confusion evident in his voice.
"Don't be silly! It's horrible! Olivia and I aren't even leaving the apartment tomorrow," Casey replied nervously.
"Casey, what's going on? Just this morning you were freaking out about Olivia's behavior and now you're worse than she is!"
Annoyance crossed the ADA's face as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms.
"I prefer to be known by my spiritual name of Celestia now Elliot. Let's just say that Olivia helped me see the error of my materialistic ways."
He really was at a complete loss for words now. Two of his closest friends had completely gone nuts in the span of a single day and his overwhelmed brain wasn't processing their new personas well at all.
Spiritual name. . .Jesus this woman is completely off her rocker. It's gotta be in the tofu! That's it, there's something in the tofu. It's a conspiracy. . . must talk to Munch . . . Munch will know what to do.
The nonsensical rambling of his inner monologue continued marching onward towards madness as he tried to assimilate the new information.
"Anyways back to the trial," she continued, "I have the new court dates here in my brief case."
She pulled a briefcase completely composed of hemp out from behind her desk and began rifling through it's contents. Apparently unable to find what she was looking for, she started tossing objects out of the new case randomly.
He could only stare as the objects mounted on her desk. A PETA protest sign, folded when it was in the case, unfurled on the desk. A case of incense, two candles, and an organic power bar came out next. A pack of rolling papers fell out of the briefcase and the redhead snatched them up and put them away, grinning awkwardly.
"I seem to have misplaced the court papers Elliot. If you'll just hang on a few moments, I'll try meditating about it and perhaps my spirit guide will reveal their location to me," she said, her face as serious as he'd ever seen it.
That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. Elliot Stabler couldn't take anymore and he walked quickly . . . okay he actually ran from the large office, mumbling about tofu and conspiracies.
Casey stared after him and waited until she was sure he was gone before her face broke into a dazzling smile.
"You can come out now," she called out in the direction of the small coat closet in the corner.
A very brunette and leather covered Olivia Benson emerged from the closet laughing so hard that tears ran down her face.
"Oh my God Casey . . . that was priceless," Olivia gasped, in between fits of laughter.
"I knew all those years of drama I took would eventually pay off," Casey replied, joining her girlfriend in laughter.
"Come on Celestia, let's get out of here. I think you may need to show me how to . . . meditate."
The grin decorating Olivia's face was positively wicked as she lead Casey from the office.
Finis
Okay guys, you asked for it and you got it. So be sure to tell me what you think!! Oh yeah, all that astrology crap I spouted in the story, it's absolute crap . . . just in case anyone noticed, LOL.