Author's Notes: I just finished writing this fic just now. This is the fastest I've ever uploaded anything, so be prepared for spelling mistakes and possible plot-holes... only I don't think there should be any plot-holes considering the plot is… well… kind of non-existent. But that's ok. We've got dialogue.
Another attempt at humor… fear my humor! It's terrifying. I actually really hope its not terrifying... that would make me sad.
By the way, I don't own Invader Zim.
Don't Call Me
"Goodbye Lianne…"
"Goodbye Greymond… I'll never forget you."
The credits started rolling, and Gir burst into tears and hugged the television. "What happens!?" he questioned wailing and shrieking. "WHAT HAPPENS!?" He didn't understand that what he saw was the ending.
He suddenly got happy when he thought of something he could do while waiting for his master to get home from skool. With a cheerful squeal he ran into the kitchen and took the toilet elevator down into the communications room.
You know… you aren't supposed to be down here… the computer spoke.
Gir proceeded to scream and run around the room in fear of the strange voice. The computer sighed. Why did he bother trying?
It took Gir an hour to finally calm down. He sat down in the chair and typed in the only contact number he knew. The black screen fizzled into static as the call was processed. Gir took a Suckmonkey out of his head compartment and began slurping on the straw. Then the Tallests appeared on the screen.
"What do you want now Zim…?" Red questioned moodily.
"Hey," Purple said squinting at the monitor. "That's not Zim."
"Hi!" Gir called hopping to his feet and waving. "What'cha doin!??"
The Tallests stared at Gir. Then they turned and stared at each other.
"Umm… why are you calling us?" Purple questioned the strange SIR unit.
"Everybody Loves Greymond!" Gir suddenly shrieked, and the Tallest's antennae fell back. Smiling, Zim's robot held the suckmonkey over his head. "How does it eeeend?"
"We don't even know what that is…" Red growled. He turned to the technician in charge of the communication systems and motioned for him to cut the transmission.
"Aww…" Gir dipped his head showing his disappointment. The screen faded to black, but Gir wanted to talk more so he called the Tallests back. This time they didn't answer so Gir did what his master sometimes did and forced his way back onto their monitor.
"Hi again!"
Red and Purple groaned and leaned back in their chairs.
"Can you maybe stop calling us?" Purple suggested.
"But Master doesn't like me callin him at skool!" Gir exclaimed.
Red smirked and pulled Purple close. "If we give him another number, he'll leave us alone," he whispered.
"Which number are we going to give him?" Purple questioned squinting an eye.
"It can't be one of the invaders… the stupid robot will distract them from their missions."
Both the Tallests cringed when Gir started singing about a chocolate moose running through a field of taffy.
"We still have the number for that Resisty ship thing," Purple commented.
"Too bad it crashed into Earth. It's probably completely destroyed," Red said.
"The robot is pretty stupid. I don't think he'll notice."
Red's eyes lit up, and he faked a smile as he turned to the SIR unit on the monitor.
"How about Purple and I give you a new number to call?" he suggested.
"Ooo," Gir remarked pressing his face against the screen. "What is it!?"
The monitor faded to black, and then a large white number appeared. Excited to have something new to try, Gir eagerly typed it in and waited.
Lard Nar groaned. He had just managed to fall asleep, which is quite a challenge when you're trying to sleep in a sewer, and now his communicator was going off. He picked it up and pressed the receive button.
"Who are you!?" Gir shrieked, and the Vortian nearly dropped the communication device in a puddle of something he knew couldn't be pleasant.
"Who is this?" Lard Nar questioned. He yawned, placed his goggles on his forehead, and rubbed one of his eyes. "Why are you calling at this hour?"
"I'm Gir! Master's at skool and the tall guys didn't wanna play so I'm calling you now!" the crazy SIR unit responded sticking his tongue out.
It was at this moment that Lard Nar realized that the thing calling him was an Irken SIR unit, and the communicator made a second perilous plunge towards the green-yellow-brown goop below. Thank goodness for ledges… He caught the device before it could be taken by the gross substances swirling through the sewer, and he brought it eye level.
"Ok… I'm going to assume you aren't tracking my location right now, not that you could really…" Lard Nar shook his head. Why did this thing have to call him now? He hadn't slept in three days due to his unwavering paranoia and of course the smell of his current location. He was pretty sure there was a monster down here that ate most of his crew already,
"You at a swimming pool!?" Gir questioned grinning widely.
"Um… Sure."
Gir bounced up and down. "Did you race the beavers!?"
Lard Nar raised an invisible brow. "Who gave you this number?"
"I got it from the candy-canes!" Gir replied. Then changing the subject completely he asked, "Do you know how "Everybody Loves Greymond" ended!?"
Lard Nar had no idea what the SIR unit was talking about. He was already having a hard time dealing with his paranoia as it was… the thought of attacking SIR units coming down into the sewer made him shudder.
Clearing his throat, he decided to make something up for the strange Irken robot. "Everybody dies a horrible fiery death?" he tried.
"Were there explosions too?" Gir asked.
"Yes. Lots."
Gir squealed in delight and fell off his chair.
"I'm going to sleep now…" Lard Nar said preparing to end the call.
"You got to tell the Tall-guys too!" Gir insisted, and he hopped back onto the seat and typed in the Tallests' number.
The leader of the Resisty groaned and spread his arms out at he stared up at the ceiling. "Ten more minutes of this and I'm knocking myself out…"
"Look you crazy robot thing…" Purple began when Gir's face appeared on their monitor again. "You can't keep calling us like this!"
"Yeah, it's rude," Red agreed. "Not to mention incredibly annoying," he muttered to Purple.
"This is Tony's pizza! Tony's pizza! Take an order pleaaase!" Gir burst into a fit of giggles.
Purple smacked himself in the forehead while Red decided the best course of action was to lock himself in a small windowless room without any monitors. He got up from his chair and began gathering a few supplies to wait out Gir's constant calls when they heard another voice.
"Can I hang up yet..?"
The screen's image split in two. On one side was Gir happily eating bucket of cheesesticks and on the other was a picture of a grey ceiling of some kind and the sound of running water.
"Um… creepy robot?" Purple questioned, and Gir gave a shrill "yeeeeees?"
"Who is that?"
"I don't know!"
"No really…"
"I don't know!" Gir started to sing. "I don't know I don't know IIII don't knoooow!"
"Shut up!" Red snapped gripping his antennae. "Just shut up already. Good Irk you're giving me a headache…"
Sleep-deprived Lard Nar finally looked down at his communicator when he heard 'Irk' pronounced. He nearly had a double heart attack when he saw the Tallests on the screen. The SIR unit was dangerous after all! He should have known better.
Being paranoid, but incredibly tired, he pushed the communicator away from him as though it were a poisonous Slorbit then promptly fell asleep. Only once he was asleep did he remember that he forgot to turn the stupid thing off, but it was kind of too late since he was already unconscious.
"I'm going to call Zim and make him turn his stupid SIR off," Red decided shoving the communication's technician out of the way and punching in the numbers himself.
"Not now Gir! Zim is in the middle of…" the shorter Irken froze when he saw that his Tallest Red was on his communicator screen and not Gir. The Tallest had called his own personal communicator! "My Tallest; it is an honor!" Zim exclaimed saluting.
"Yes… yes…" Red said waving him off. "I need you to do something for me Zim."
"Anything my Tallest!"
"Turn that freaken SIR unit off!" Red hollered, and Zim's antennae blew back.
"Huh? What…? Gir!?"
"Hi master!" Gir called from the Tallest's monitor.
Zim chuckled nervously as he looked into the angry stare of his red Tallest. He rubbed the back of his head, and then regaining his composure he barked, "Gir! What do you think you're doing bothering the Tallests!?"
"I wanted a pizza friend but the tacoman says I must eat tacos! I must eat tacos! Can I explode yet?"
"That does not answer my question Gir!" Zim snapped. "That doesn't make any kind of sense at all!"
"Aw…" Gir's expression became sad, and his eyes got wide and watery. "Master is mad at me?"
"I am not just mad Gir. I AM FURIOUS!"
"Yaaaaay!" his SIR cheered.
"No! That's bad Gir!" his eyes narrowed at his idiotic robot. "Now I want you to hang up and stop calling the Tallests!"
"Looks like the boss left this thing on!" a voice from the second half of the screen on the Massive spoke. A pink face appeared, and the Tallests turned their eyes to it.
"Do we know you?" Purple questioned the strange looking alien.
"Nope," Shloonktapooxis replied grinning. He didn't recognize the Tallests at all. "Sorry, but you probably got the wrong number!"
"We didn't call you," Red spoke. "That crazy SIR unit did."
"Oh."
"Hi!" Gir greeted.
"Don't ignore me Gir!" Zim shouted. "I'm really very sorry my Tallests."
"Ha ha!" another voice was heard coming from Zim's communicator, and the screen split in half like the one in the Massive. "I figured out your number Zim!" Dib announced triumphantly.
"Ooo! Big Head!" Gir called. "You should call peppermint sticks too! The number is…"
"Gir! Do not give the Dib-beast the Tallests' number!" Zim demanded waving his fist in the air.
Gir ignored him and blurted out the number anyway.
"You horrible robot!" Zim shouted.
"Thanks!" Dib said, and he ended the call with Zim's communicator and used Tak's ship to call the Massive instead.
"What's all that yelling..?" Lard Nar muttered sitting up. He noticed Shloonktapooxis hovering over his communicator. "What's going on?"
"Irkens sir!" Shloonktapooxis replied. "Three of them, and an unknown alien!"
"I'm really trying not to lose my patience…" Red grumbled. He gathered a few more items into his arms then walked to the door. He turned and regarded Purple. "Let me know when this mess is dealt with."
"Where are you going?" Purple asked; his antennae drooping with the thought that he was going to be left alone with a couple of strange aliens, and Zim, on the screen.
"I'm going to regain my sanity," Red replied before walking into the hallway.
Purple watched the door close before turning his attention back to the screen. Now there was a big headed boy in the bottom corner. He sighed and rubbed his face. Ok… he could deal with this…
"You," he said pointing at the nearest technician. "I want you to change our number so no one can call it ever again…"
"Yes sir," the technician replied.
"So where is exactly is your planet alien?" Dib questioned Tallest Purple.
"I'm a moose!" Gir squealed.
"This is your fault Gir!" Zim hollered. "When I get back to the base I'm going to destroy you!"
"So… is this one big call-party?" Shloonktapooxis asked.
"Can you all please talk one at a time!?" Purple shouted, and everyone became quiet. "Ok. That's better."
The silence started to become awkward after a few moments. Then the noise started all over again.
Sluuuuuuurp! Gir was drinking his suckmonkey.
"What's the Massive's current destination!?" Dib demanded.
"How do you know about the Massive!?" Zim asked loudly, and he pointed a very 'dangerous' looking finger at the boy.
"You showed it to me with your simulator remember? Right before you threw a muffin at my head."
"Oh yeah. Right."
"I just wanted to sleep!" Lard Nar wailed burying his head under his arms. "Is this some kind of horrible Irken plot to kill me with sleep deprivation…?"
"Wait, who is that?" Dib asked.
"I don't know," Purple responded which got Gir singing the "I don't know" song again.
"Gir! Silence! I command you!" Zim shouted.
Lard Nar was seriously considering jumping off the ledge into the swirling goop below. If he was lucky the fall would knock him out and he'd wash up eventually outside the sewer system. He'd been lost in this stupid place for almost a week anyway, and most of his crew had already vanished.
"Shloonktapooxis… give me that communicator…" Lard Nar said extending his hand. The floating cone alien blinked at his captain then looked down at the device.
"Sorry sir, no hands."
The captain sighed and reached as far as he could. He managed to snatch the communicator without moving more than his arm. Pulling his goggles down over his eyes, Lard Nar looked at Gir and very blatantly ignored the Tallest.
"Crazy robot thing… what in Vort's name possessed you to call me..?" his voice was low, and Shloonktapooxis wisely moved away. His captain hadn't had a very good week.
Gir stopped singing. "The candy-cane told me!" he answered. "I made a stick out'a glue and put it on the ceiling for the butterflies! I eat butterflies!"
"Wait… were you the one piloting that stray Vortian battleship?" Purple questioned.
If Lard Nar hadn't been so sleep deprived he probably would have denied it, but since he was, he just stared blankly into the screen and said, "yeah."
"Oh! Well um… you see… Zim's stupid robot kept calling us, so we gave it your ship's number. I thought it was destroyed."
"It is destroyed…" Lard Nar growled. "I'm not good with changing numbers, so I used the same one for the communicator, but now thanks to you…"
Purple shrank back. He'd never seen a Vortian look so dangerous before.
"I wanted to kill you before, but now, just you wait Tallests… I will get my revenge. I have call-back, and that little robot knows your communication line number."
Lard Nar cut the transmission and curled into a ball. "Don't wake me," he warned Shloonktapooxis.
"Don't worry my Tallests, Zim will make sure that foolish robot stays out of the communication's room!"
"Ok Zim, whatever," Purple said not sounding at all convinced.
The supposed Invader gave his Tallest a final salute before ending the call.
"Master's back!" Gir cheered before turning off the monitor and running to ambush Zim who'd just walked in the door.
This left only Dib and Purple on the communication line.
"Tell me alien, how many ships are in your armada?"
Purple sighed and rubbed his forehead. "You know I can't tell you anything!"
"Come on, can't you answer one of my questions?"
"No."
"Please."
Purple's antennae twitched. "Don't do that…" he turned to the technician he's seen Red speak to. "Cut the transmission."
"Yes sir," the Irken replied, and Dib's image faded from the screen. "I've finished programming a new number for our communication line my Tallest."
"That's good…" Purple said rubbing an eye. Talking to that many people at once was pretty tiring. "Alright. Now I need one or two of you to come help me find Red. We'll need to check every small dark room on this floor… and on the other twenty nine floors…"
"Um sir, I just thought of something," a different technician quipped up.
"Yeah? What is it?"
"Well uh… I was just wondering how the invaders are going to call us to give you their progress reports…"
Purple's expression fell and he paled a little bit. "I'm just going to say we'll worry about that later."
"Yes sir!"
Author's Notes Extended: So my latest job just ended for the summer, and I can't seem to find anything else in this silly economy… This week is going to be filled with more job hunting I think. (Or I could spend the entire summer finishing all my hundreds of unfinished Invader Zim fics. Oh dear) Yeah… I kind of really want to work. Need money to buy new pants… -eyetwitch-