Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff.

a/n: just taing a break from my other fic while i try and get inspired.

Entry: 135

My friends have been staying with me for a few days. I wish I could say that it has been an entirely pleasurable experience but I would be lying, their presence does little to ease my stress or raise my spirits.

Vaan and Penelo, they have just recently become a couple. I am glad of it because they truly need each other, who else can understand their situation. If Vaan were to date any other girl I fear she would not accept his close relationship with Penelo, and no self respecting man would ever settle with being second in Penelo's heart.

Their joy is apparent and I try so desperately to quell my jealousy. If things had been different, if the war had not stolen my beloved Rassler then perhaps I too would still know the warm embrace love brings. It is not fair and yet I have come to accept that life is infrequently fair, even for a privileged princess…Queen now.

Yesterday I attempted to engage Balthier in an intelligent conversation. But the pirate has grown tired of my sorrows and no longer listens. Oh he pretends too and tells me what he thinks I'd like to hear, but I can tell that he is distracted and not really interested. I tried to change the subject to that of politics, the pirate insolently wandered away before I had even finished my sentence.

Later in the day he returned, the sun was shining brightly in the clear blue sky and he invited me to join him and Fran for a walk around the court yard.

Fran was quiet as she often was in my presence and she walked a little behind us as if she was unsure if her attendance was wanted or not.

Balthier was filled with his charm and wit again, he told jokes and stories whilst we walked. I listened and begun to relax, but as I walked my foot caught in the front of my gown and I stumbled. Balthier caught my hand and we smiled at each other as we remembered the time he had caught me in the Phon Coast.

I glanced back over his shoulder and noticed that Fran had sat down upon the side of the fountain. She did not look at me but still I caught the look in her eyes. She tried so hard to conceal it. I had never seen jealousy in the Veira's eyes before but in that instant they were filled to the brim with it. For a moment I felt a cruel satisfaction, for so long I had walked through towns and cities where people would stare at her and pass remarks about her great beauty whilst no one noticed me.

Fran absently twirled her finger in the water and then looked up, she informed us that she had forgotten something and strode off.

I turned back to Balthier whose eyes remained on his partner as she disappeared under an arch way. He wasn't as talkative after that, much to my disappointment.

The pirate's demeanour slowly descended into a melancholy silence. We sat on a bench in the garden and did not speak. I know not what bothers him and he can't and won't help me with my problems. Oh how I long for the company of someone who would understand, for the company of someone who cared for me, for the company off… No I mustn't be so weak, after all he was absent from this little gathering. He must have had greater priorities.

Dinner was a strange affair. Vaan and Penelo were daunted by the number of forks that had been provided. Fran explained the order in which to use them. It seemed as though she had a surprising knowledge of correct etiquette. I felt a little sorry for presuming that someone born in a forest would be ignorant to fine dining. I know very little about Fran when I think about it, I find that I don't really want to find out more about her. Every revelation she lets slip softens my heart toward her; I need to have someone to envy, someone I don't completely like. My fear is that this is because it feeds my ego; I will have to work on that.

She isn't perfect after all, I'd seen her many a time slouching with her head on her hand, her elbow on the table after drinking too much.

The two orphans' enthusiastically informed me at breakfast that the pirates were in much greater spirits today, they went on to describe a scene in which they spotted Balthier and Fran laughing happily in the court yard early this morning, they speculated as to what could have cheered them up. I knew exactly what had happened and yet I did not expose it.

Late last night I made a bold and desperate decision. I would go to Balthier and seek comfort, surely even a Queen would be forgiven a moment of weakness. I do not love him, not in the least but I was sure that he could make me forget my loneliness if only for an hour or two.

Outside his door I was struck with regret, my heart knows that he is not the one it longs for; it would not allow me to knock. My thoughts were interrupted by a voice coming from inside the room.

"I have been trying so hard, this feeling is foreign and painful." spoke the soft exotic voice of Fran.

"Surely you do not think?" came Balthier's broken reply. I stepped closer to the door so I could listen.

I could hear Fran's heels clank against the marble floor as she paced back and forth.

"Fran, please." The pacing stopped, I imagined that Balthier had clasped her arms and he was holding her, forcing her to meet his gaze.

"She is fair is she not? You must desire her." It was almost a whisper; I feared the Veira was aware of my concealed presence, so I held my breath, curious to hear his reply.

Balthier did not speak for a while, when he did his voice came as naught more than a desperate confession. "You are the one. Its you, it's always you! when I wake, when I dream, all day, all night. There is no other, she's nothing to me. Just a foolish girl who sees's things that aren't really there. You are my Queen, Fran, not her."

It hurt -- even though I no longer truly held any affection for him-- To be so easily dismissed was painful.

I could almost visualize the smug satisfaction on Fran's flawless face; my opinion was changed in an instant.

"I love you." The Veira's voice was filled with a surprising vulnerability.

My heart was in my mouth, I had been a fool. This wasn't a competition between her and I. She was just a lost soul who was frightened of losing her beloved companion to a bitter Queen. How could I have so cruelly fantasized about claiming him as my own when they belonged to one another? I had dismissed the glances, the lingering touches, the smiles they gave one another, the joy they shared when they conversed by telling myself they were just partners.

"I love you too, more than I can bear. I must have you."

"Yours I already am, take what is yours pirate."

That was enough; I slipped away, hopefully unnoticed back to my bed.

So my companions have found love, I hope that they will treasure it as it is so easily shattered.

We said our goodbyes but an hour ago and I feel the burden of my work returning and the lonely emptiness that echoes around a virtually empty castle.

Ashe placed her pen down next to her diary; she closed it with a heavy heart.

"Am I late, I think I might have got the wrong date? Have the others left already." The voice that interrupted her thoughts warmed her completely. She looked up and got to her feet.

The room was empty; she knew the servants were busy in the kitchen and cleaning the rooms of her departed guests. No one would see. The downhearted Queen allowed her spirits to rise; she pushed her writing table out of the way and dashed across the room into the arms of her knight in shining armour. He would help her, he would understand, after all he was the only one that ever did.

"I have missed you so your majesty." He confessed as he placed a gloved hand on her blonde head.

She did not cry and she did not admit her true affection for him, but she remained in his arms, clutching at his armour.

Ashe did not care that the metal was cold. For her there was no warmer place.

"You will stay won't you, for a while?"

"As my lady wishes." He teased slightly.

"Thank you, Basch." She rested her head on his chest plate. "My Basch." She murmured softly.

"Always, my Queen."

A/N Please R and R