Open Season On ADA's

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, I just occasionally like to play with them. I'll return them in perfect condition . . . I promise!

Pairings: None

Notes: I love parodies, they are what drew me to fan fiction in the first place. So, obviously I like to write them as well. I hope you find this idea as amusing as I did!

Summary: Has anyone ever noticed Dick Wolf's love of tormenting all our favorite ADA's?? Seriously, it's a dangerous occupation in the L & O universe.

"God, I still can't believe what happened to Alex Borgia. It was just horrible," Casey said, shaking her head and taking another bite of her lunch.

She was seated at a table in the break room with a few other ADA's, including Connie Rubirosa, Jack McCoy's unfortunate new partner. Everyone knew that you didn't work for Jack McCoy long before something terrible happened to you. Casey was trying her best not to get attached to the new ADA, because she just knew she wouldn't be around for long.

"I know. What about Serena Southerlyn? Didn't see that one coming . . .," Connie replied in a quiet voice.

"Serena crossed the line and as far as Borgia goes, it's a dangerous job Connie."

"I understand that, but you don't think it's a little strange? I mean, seriously, I was in court the other day and got my first death threat! I've only been working with Jack for a few weeks and I've already got a mass murderer threatening me." Connie snorted, disgusted with the alarming frequency of dead, beaten, and maimed ADA's turning up around New York. She looked up just in time to see a young pretty ADA being dragged through the window by a group of rough looking men that suspiciously looked like 'mobsters'. No one even seemed to notice. "See! Did you see that?? That's exactly what I'm talking about."

"What? I didn't see anything," Casey said, looking around at a completely normal break room, confused by the woman's outburst.

"Oh come on Casey! Remember Cabot? She didn't last long either, it's only a matter of time. How many times have you been threatened??" Rubirosa stared at the blonde ADA, her mouth hanging open in outrage.

Casey thought for a moment, trying to compile a list in her head, just as another ADA, a male this time, grabbed his throat and dropped to the floor dead. Casey was still in the process of counting the threats she'd received on her fingers. She soon ran out of fingers and resorted to making marks on her napkin instead.

The young rookie ADA looked between her bleach blonde counterpart and the newly dead ADA in utter horror. Why does no one see this but me? Am I the only sane one in the entire room? She watched as men dressed in dark jackets, with 'Stage Crew' plastered across the back, dragged the man out of the room completely unnoticed by the rest of the crowd. 'Maybe I'm the insane one', she thought, growing more and more frightened for her well being.

"Okay, I think I've got it," Casey beamed, holding her list out for inspection. "I've been nearly beaten to death by a rape victim's sister, held at gun point by a white supremacist, and I also got an offer to make 'beautiful white babies' with another Neo-Nazi skinhead. That doesn't even count the various threats of bodily harm and horrible death I've received through the mail."

"I'm telling you, someone's got it out for us Casey," Connie warned, getting up from the table and clearing her half eaten lunch.

They walked from the break room and down the hall, only to narrowly escape nearly being crushed to death by a portion of the ceiling caving in for no apparent reason. Several other ADA's were not as fortunate and the mysterious 'Stage Crew' appeared once again to scrape the squashed, nameless attorney's off the floor. "Do you see them," Connie shouted, hopping up and down and pointing at the men shoveling ADA parts into buckets.

"Connie, I think you need to see someone about this. We have a really good shrink down at SVU, I'm sure he wouldn't mind." Casey placed her hand gently on the younger woman's shoulder, gazing at her with a look of compassion. 'Some people just can't handle the pressure', Casey thought, feeling sorry for the woman.

"Oh screw you Novak, I'm getting out of here! If you want to stick around and die at the whim of some unknown, unseen force with a chip on his shoulder, then you're on your own," she screamed, running out of the building with her brief case held protectively over her head.

Wow, the psych review must really be getting lax. Casey pondered the woman's melt down as she continued on to her office, completely unaware that a sniper's shot ricocheted off of the wall just six inches from her head and she that she was currently being trailed by a psychotic serial killer with a penchant for bottle blonde attorneys who played softball.

The next morning, Casey Novak stepped from her apartment and gathered her morning paper, pausing at the door to look at the headlines.

"ADA Connie Rubirosa killed in mysterious bombing at home. Police have no leads . . ."

Novak shook her head sadly, glad she hadn't gotten close to the new attorney. McCoy's partners never last long. The man was a curse.

Walking back into her apartment with her head buried in the paper, she didn't notice the intruder until she ran straight into him. Milan Zergin stood before her, baseball bat resting on his shoulder and an evil grin decorating his face.

"You're supposed to be in prison," she stated with absolute certainty.

"Yeah and Cabot was supposed to be in Witness Protection, but they never explained how she got out either." He took the baseball bat off his shoulder and started tapping it against his hand menacingly.

"What did I do to deserve this," Casey cried, trembling as she remembered her last meeting with the baseball bat. "I've been good! I ignored the disappearing ADA's. I let them dye my hair this hideous shade of blonde . . . I even wore lime green and purple together. Do you have any idea how much shit I got for that outfit?? What more does he want??"

"Sorry, it's November sweeps and ratings are down."

"Aw shit." She simply closed her eyes and awaited the beating, secure in the fact that at least she wouldn't be killed . . . she still had two years left on her contract.

Finis

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