Disclaimer: I am a poor college student living off ramen; obviously, I don't own Square-Enix or their (drool-worthy) games.

Note: I've never done an Alternate Universe fanfic before… This is what happens when you mix cold med, cartoons, and Girl Scout cookies… Oh, and I'd expect this will be very… odd?

Mixed
01: Hostess

"You want me to do what?" My thin mouth twitched slightly.

Pressing a finger to my lips, I'm silenced. "First, a young lady shouldn't yell."

"—I wasn'—"

"Cloud, we need the money." Her brown-red eyes widen and grow wetter.

"Not the puppy dog look!" I sigh and hang my arms down. "Isn't there anything else I could do? Delivery boy, lackey, male prostitute, anything!"

She closes her eyes and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, we have to do this… A dress is better than starving, right?"

I groan at my boots.

The universe hates me.

She looks us up and down and up again. Every moment feels like an eternity in hell… Her steel-blue eyes feel like they're burning a hole into me.

She can tell, can't she?

This 'Scarlet-mama' must see I'm a guy… I'm going to be killed.

"Okay… You two start tonight."

Mouth drops. "Say what?"

Tifa wraps her arms about my shoulders. "We've been hired as hostesses, Clo-dia…"

Scarlet moves her weight on to one hip. Something tells me that she wants us to see her thong… Most likely to drive me to gouge my own eyes out. "JESSIE! AERITH!"

Two brunette girls enter. One, her hair in a ponytail, mumbles profanities as she walks towards us.

"Yes, Mama?" Green eyes dance with merriment.

Scarlet waved her hands towards us. "Aerith, these are Tifa and Claudia. Can you show them around?"

"Certainly, Mama."

Scarlet turns her head towards the cursing brunette. "Jessie, why don't you look for something decent, for them to wear?"

She looks myself and Tifa up and down. "Brunette could fit some of your things, Mama…. Blonde, though…" She digs into her pocket, pulling out a roll of measuring tape.

Before I can move, she's on the floor between my legs. "EEP!" I jump back before she finishes measuring my in-seam.

She looks up and raises an eyebrow at me. "Little Sister Claudia, you need to let me measure you… Otherwise you won't have a nice dress to wear for your first day. And you won't want to see the ugly ones…"

"No one mentioned that I needed a new dress!"

Scarlet narrowed her eyes at the four of us. "Fine. Aerith, show Miss Tifa around; Tifa can fill Claudia on the details latter…" Scarlet dipped her hand down her breasts, revealing a wad of cash. "Jessie, take Claudia shopping." She extended the cash towards the profane brunette.

'Jessie' slowly took the money from Scarlet's hand, amber eyes burning with disgust.

Walking down the street, I can't help feeling like everyone is staring at me.

"So, Claudia, what's your real name," Jessie questioned.

I could feel myself blush. "H-how did you…?"

She raised her arm, tapping her throat. "We'll have to get you a chocker or something…"

"D-do you think Scarlett—er, Mama—knows?"

Small pink lips smirked at me. "Most likely… Surprised she didn't just send you to off to a place that 'specializes' in this sort of thing…" She waved at me. "Suppose she thought you'd be worth it."

"Oh… She must be nice."

Laughter, and a snort, erupted from her. "Scarlet cares about two things: sex and money. You're personal benefit has nothing to do with it."

"Cloud."

She stopped walking to look at me. " 'Cloud?' "

"… That's my name."

"Interesting." A smirk spread across her face. She claps her hands together. "Got it!"

A delicate hand wrapped itself around my wrist, and I found myself being pulled down the street. "Whoa! Where are we going?"

"You'll see!" She calls as she continues her mad pace.

Left turn.

Dodge a woman.

Jump over a bench.

Right turn.

She stops from her insane speed only to have me collide into her. "GET OFF ME!"

"It's your fault," I mumble as I stand up.

I lower my hand to assist her, only for her to stand up on her own.

I stare at the building before us…. Besides the burned bricks, there's nothing I can really say about it. "Where are we?"

She tilts her head and smiles. "You'll see!"

She swings open the wooden front door, a bell chiming as she enters. I slowly follow her into the dimly-lit building. Sweet-smelling smoke fills my nostrils.

"Hello… Oh, it's just you," a voice like the dead says. I turn towards the noise to find someone hidden in shadow reading a book. The only things I can see of him are burning red eyes… Weird.

"Yeah, 'hi' to you too, Jerk… I'm taking that screw-up you made me."

His eyes narrow, but he doesn't turn his attention from his ancient book. "It won't fit your anorexic shape."

"Yes, but it'll fit her quite nicely." She points her thumb towards me.

His ruby eyes leave his book to focus on me.

I gulp at his invisible face.

"So it would…" He closes his novel and sets it on a table. He rises in a single movement, his face finally entering the sunlight.

"HOLY SHIT! HE LOOKS LIKE A GIRL!"

"Excuse me?"

"I just said that out loud, didn't I?"

Magically, he was now directly next to me. "Yes. Yes, you did."

A swift hand bats the feminine man's head. "Cool it," Jessie growls, "Vince. No reason to scare her."

He rolls his eyes, and mumbles a "it's Vincent" before disappearing upstairs.

"I feel like such a whore," I grumble at Tifa.

"Oh, but you look so cute, Claudia!" Her arms wrap around my waist in a squeeze.

"I'm dressed as a maid-fetish…"

"So? We're going to be able to pay our rent after tonight! Besides, it can't be all that bad…"

I glare at my best friend.

I'm a guy… In a dress… As a hostess…

Although, the breeze is quite refreshing….

Think I need help? Can't stop laughing/squealing about Cloud in a dress?

Possible futures: yakuza, karate, gaijin, cops, Shinto, school…