Hesitation
Disclaimer: I don't own HP.
A/N: For the Oneshot Competition. Enjoy! R and R!
The moment before when you scramble to figure out what to say or to do under trying circumstances, that feeling is hesitation and it could reveal everything about you or everything you keep deep in the depths of you. I knew that well, I could never hesitate because it was almost like my friends were in my head and they were privy to the knowledge I buried inside of me. If a crack in this armor appeared they would break everything away and rip open the curtains and see the truth.
I was the most quiet in the group for a reason. I had to be. I had the most to lose of my friends. I couldn't tell anyone or all of the things dear to me would disappear on me. So when I heard Sirius had started to date Marlene, I didn't cringe like I would have rather done, I put on a convincing smile and told him congratulations. Sirius cared about her and I had to respect his decision, even though I loved him.
I had these feelings for a long time and I couldn't say when they started exactly. I just officially knew when I saw Marlene and Sirius kissing, the jealousy and rage had nearly knocked me off my feet.
"Remus?" A young and slightly frightened voice called and I turned around facing the younger boy.
"Regulus? What are you doing out after curfew?" Regulus was Sirius's brother and they hated each other since Regulus was a Slytherin and Sirius was a Gryffindor. So why would Regulus be up near the Gryffindor portrait and after curfew too?
"I needed to talk to you." He told me and I frowned. I hadn't spoken two words to Regulus in the years Sirius and I were friends and now he wanted to talk to me?
"Now?" I asked trying to probe him to see if this was urgent. Of course he was talking to me so it must be.
"Yes, I didn't want to talk to you when everyone was around," he informed me looking down at his feet and shifting his body. What did he want?
"Okay."
"Remus… I.." He paused and gazed at the majestic ceiling. Oh what was he doing? He was driving me insane, what could he-! My thoughts burst apart as a pair of soft pink lips pressed against mine. My first kiss!
"What was that for?" I asked him.
"Unlike my brother, I know what a good thing is and I don't take it for granted. Think about that." He told me a smirk gracing his face and his obsidian eyes were sparkling. He looked so much like his brother. He left and I was frozen to my spot, shocked, as my face burned crimson.
"What the hell?" A disgusted voice yelled and I turned around to see the last people I wanted to see right now.
"Sirius and Marlene?" Sirius looked angry, almost shaking and terror was biting at my throat. Marlene didn't look upset at all, she just looked shocked. I guess she didn't care as long as it wasn't her boyfriend.
"Can you excuse us, Marlene?" Sirius asked, not looking at her but staring into my chocolate eyes with his cold and hard obsidian eyes. The look his eyes held made me cringe in pain, the kind of pain you get when a Quaffle hits you.
"Sure." She said and walked towards the Gryffindor common room.
"What the Merlin do you think you are doing?" He snarled once we couldn't hear her footsteps anymore. Why was he getting mad at me? Regulus kissed me and I didn't even kiss him back! But had he actually seen the whole thing or just the end?
"He kissed me! I didn't know he was going to do that." I told him and he seemed to calm down a little.
"I knew he was a bloody fairy." He mumbled and my veins grew ice cold. Was he homophobic?
"Is there something wrong with that?" I asked.
"What?"
"Being gay, Sirius. Is there something wrong with that?" I demanded and I stepped forward. I cared about Sirius but I refused to back down on this issue. My anger was being fueled by the wolf in me arising and roaring in me, it was the full moon in five days and that caused for my emotions to get out of control fast.
"Remus why are getting mad?" He asked. Why didn't he answer the question?
"Why are you being a prick?" The wolf snapped.
"I am not!" He cried out indignant.
"Yes you are, just because someone loves a member of the same sex should not be a reason for ridicule." I told him. I reined the wolf in but he was itching to come back.
"You sound like you're gay too." Sirius said in a voice that sounded different. What was he thinking?
"I am!" I told him and watched something flicker in his face. Was it disgust?
"So you did like my brother kissing you!"
"No. I love a different man. I have no clue why, though." I turned on my heels and stormed away, the wolf was mad and I was too. All he cared about was the kiss, he was freaking out over that. He was truly disturbed by me.
If only all my friends were in my head, apart of my mind so they could see and understand me, not the person they want me to be. They were a part of me in a sense but like any kind of friends they weren't really a part of me. A more truthful statement was that I was a part of them. But now, I was so lonely but I am okay. Or I will be.
Why didn't he understand though? Why did he have to be so cruel? But how could I have expected anything different because he made fun of Severus for being different, basically just being a Slytherin so why did some part of me think naively that he would accept me?
Tears threatened to pour from my brown eyes but I returned to my rounds and later went to bed, avoiding a glance at Sirius's bed. I was so ugly, a freak of nature and I was surprised that the mirror I went by didn't break. No. I wasn't! I wasn't going to crack! I wasn't going to feel bad about being me. I have felt so bad whether it was because I was gay or a werewolf but now, I refused to be ashamed. I would rise above the shame as if I was gifted in levitation and I would be above all the negativity.
I avoided the judgmental boy and since we didn't have classes today I slipped out to the grounds and started walking around. I skipped breakfast and found myself staring into the depths of the lake.
I looked through the books from my reading list I had grabbed and flipped the first open and started to devour the book trying to ignore the gnawing pain in my stomach. I was happy, or at least as much as I could be, until the sound of leaves crunching made me turn and spot the last man I ever wanted to see.
"What do you want, Black?" I asked the weariness evident in my voice.
"Black? Why aren't you saying my first name?" He sounded shocked. I didn't know why though. What did he have short-term amnesia?
"You don't use peoples first names unless you are friends with them." I informed him.
"We aren't friends?" I turned back to the lake.
"You sounded like you hated gay men so I am not your friend." A friend wasn't someone you hated. That was an enemy, besides why was he going on about this? Wasn't it clear? It was to me!
"Remus, I didn't mean it that way." How could it be interpreted any different?
"Then how? It sounded like that to me."
"I didn't like my brother kissing you and I freaked out. It's fine that you're gay." He revealed to me and I turned back to him. It was fine that I was gay? Then why had he acted that way?
"Why?" I voiced my question aloud.
"Because he's my brother." No, he wouldn't have had that reaction still he was way too insulted and infuriated for that reason.
"I thought you didn't give a care in the world about Regulus." I probed.
"I don't and that's why I don't want you around him." How did he expect to lie to me? I could tell it was something more. I had known him too long not to know when he was lying.
"What if I fell in love with him? What then?" I demanded.
"Then you still couldn't be around him. It wouldn't be okay." Sirius was ticking me off…
"Why? I don't need your approval!"
"Because I don't want you to kiss another man!" Sirius burst out.
"I'm gay it will happen." I replied. Didn't he know the definition of gay?
"I don't mean! Ugh, never mind." He ran his hand through his hair and I frowned. Was I finally getting to the real reason he had blown up?
"No, what is it?" I asked. There was a pause and finally I sighed and looked down. We weren't going to solve this and I didn't want to lose one of my best friends.
My thoughts were shaken before I could devulge further in my despair by a pair of full lips that I couldn't believe were kissing me! How could I have not thought that he could have had reciprocal feelings? I was an idiot and I was the smartest Marauder! I further the kiss by slipping my tongue in and a war of dominance broke out between us but it didn't seem to have a winner as we both needed to pull away for air at the same time.
"That's why."
"What about Marlene?" I asked. She was his girlfriend.
"I'll take care of that." He told me and kissed me again.
I was in a daze because I found God, perfection and bliss, in the form of my Sirius.