Seymour's Bright Idea: Episode II

By Nardo T. Icarus

Somewhere in the neighborhood of two and a half years after the defeat of Penance, Maester-turned-somewhat-successful-recording-artist, Seymour Guado, was packing suitcases in preparation for a trip he was about to take. Continuity ensued as his 11-year-old daughter, Signy walked in the room.

"Oh, hi, Daddy. Whatcha doing," asked the diminutive pre-teen.

"Packing my bags. I'm going on a, uh, business trip for about a week," answered the middle-aged Guado.

"Then why are you bringing a revolver? And that AK-47," asked Signy.

Seymour panicked. "It's not a revolver," he bellowed, then regained his composure, "it's a, uh, fancy beer mug."

"Ooh," said Signy with fascination, "but why does it look like a revolver?"

Seymour sighed, "because deception."

"Also, does Mommy know about you leaving," asked the child.

"Of course she does," Seymour said, cheerfully, "so there's no need to tell her. At all. Otherwise, you'll be grounded for a month!"

Just then, Tromell walked in. "Um, Lord Seymour, the limo is ready when you are," said he.

"Good, gimme like, five minutes," responded the Distinguished Guado Leader.

"I also took the initiative to camouflage it so Lady Sveta wouldn't notice," added the elite servant.

"Awesome, I'll meet you down there."

"But, Daddy, you said Mommy already knew," said Signy questioningly.

"I did, but you know how your mother is with goodbyes. So, I'll see you next week and remember: be really good while I'm gone!"

"But-"

"Really frickin' good!"

"But what about-"

"SAINTLY!"

Signy paused for a few seconds, followed by, "meh."

Meanwhile, downstairs, Seymour finished putting his luggage in the trunk of the limo. The limo, of course, was given to him by Yuna after it outlived her use for it.

"A'right, let's get this show on the road," declared the ex-Maester.

Thus, they were en route to their destination. "Are you sure we'll be able to get in, Milord," asked Tromell.

"Okay, firstly: my name's not Millard. That's a fucking stupid name; don't ever call me that again," Seymour responded, "secondly: this thing has been to the fucking Rift and back. I'm pretty sure it can pierce any barrier, no matter how…'magical' or whatever it is. I even took the precaution of installing extra-strength barrier-piercing spikes on it as a precaution. I even added a bumper sticker that says, 'get the hell out mah way.' You see, what I did was spell 'my' as 'M-A-H' to make it sound more badass – a factor increased exponentially by removing the word 'of' from between 'out' and 'mah.' Genius, I tell you."

"Yes, and your use of the word 'hell' is quite catchy, Milord."

"Tromell!"

"Yes?"

"Call me Millard again…and I'm poking your fucking ribs."

"As you wish, Lord Seymour."

"Yeah, you'd better agree with me."

Where are our anti-heroes going? What are they going to do when they get there? Why does Seymour feel like he's missing something?

"HOLY SHIT, I FORGOT MY MEDS!"

NEXT TIME: Chapter ⑨