Dear Me
Summary: After losing his memories, Merlin is encouraged to take up a journal to record his thoughts and anything he remembers. T, for blood
Rating: T, for blood
Disclaimer: I would like to own Merlin, but I don't. I can't own Merlin. (Bill Parr loudly in the background: I'm sorry you're upset!)
Dear Me
Today is...was...I don't remember. He said that I should start this journal to myself so I could remember. That maybe I won't get my old memories back, but I'll be able to keep these. I wonder how long I've been like this, unable to remember. I wish I knew.
I wonder what I should write. It's not like anything all that interesting happens here. Or maybe it's interesting? I don't know. We shall see, I suppose.
I wonder how it is that I remember how to write and read? I can dress myself. I can feed myself. I can speak. I can walk. I can do lots of things. I just can't remember anyone or anything.
I wish I could.
Dear Me
I woke to the pounding on the door. I could hear him shuffling to answer it. I knew I shouldn't have been eavesdropping, but I really couldn't help it. I snuck to my bedroom door, which is at the end of his chambers. He's the physician, by the way. I should remember that.
Anyway, he let a man in. He was excited about something, the man. Said maybe they'd found the one who did it. I wonder whom they were speaking about, and what that person had done. The physician also seemed eager when he heard the news. He'd said it was good, that perhaps they could reverse it. I wonder what "it" is.
It's very frustrating to be around people who know you, but you don't know them. Well, I suppose I did know them, once, but now I cannot remember. I hope I will. They have been very kind to me. I like them.
For now, I pretend that I heard nothing. I think if I asked, he might chastise me. He's been very kind, and I don't want to disappoint him. Maybe they will tell me more about myself again...I can't really remember what I was told already. I hope they don't lose their patience with me, even though they said it was all right, that it wasn't my fault.
"It."
I wonder what "it" is.
Dear Me
My name is Merlin, and I am from Ealdor. I remembered that on my own. I told him, and he was very proud of me. He said it was very good, and that maybe I could begin to regain some of my memories. I hope I do.
But after I remembered I got a headache and I could hardly concentrate on anything.
I tried to go out for a bit of air, but I became lost and alone in the castle. That was a bit scary. Somehow I ended up in another tower, and I heard someone inside one of the rooms. I knocked, and he told me to come in. He was very surprised to see me. It took me a moment, but I recognized him as the man who had told the physician they'd found the one who did "it." But I couldn't tell him I was eavesdropping, so I just said I thought he was familiar.
He believed me.
I told him I was lost.
He laughed at me. It must have shown on my face that it hurt my feelings because he immediately stopped and led me back to my room. The physician was glad I was okay.
I wish I could remember them.
Dear Me
I've decided to ask everyone their names and write them here so I can remember them.
Gaius is the old physician with whom I live. He is very fatherly, I think. I wonder where my father is?
Arthur is the blond man. He is the king, and I am - no, was - his manservant. He says once I am well he will give me my chores back. I think he cares for me, but sometimes it is hard to be sure.
Gwen, short for Guinevere, is his wife. She says that she was my first friend in Camelot. She is very kind and beautiful.
Gwaine is very loud and smells like mead. He tells many stories, and most of them are funny. I think he exaggerates much, though. But I think he is also a good person.
Elyan is Gwen's older brother. I can tell just by looking because they are very alike, both in appearance and personality.
Percival is a very giant man. At first I was a bit afraid of him, but he is very gentle and kind.
Leon is Arthur's second-in-command. He seems a bit awkward around me, but not in a bad way. Perhaps he is just unsure of how to interact with me. He is kind, too, of course.
I wish I could remember them more.
Dear Me
Today Arthur and his knights have gone on another patrol. They have been riding out every other week, whenever Arthur could spare. I think they are still looking for the one responsible for "it," but no one has said so. So I won't mention it.
Gaius took me out to the forest to pick herbs. I recognized all of the plants and remembered their uses. He was proud.
But I don't want to remember about lavender or clover. I would especially like to remember things about myself and my friends.
I want to lie down and sleep forever.
Dear Me
I have written nothing in three days. I still have remembered nothing. Arthur and the knights have yet to return. Gwen is perpetually busy with the council meetings and reports that Arthur is unable to attend in his absence. There is a sickness in the lower town, so Gaius leaves every morning and returns late at night. I am alone for most of the day.
I haven't left the chambers. I am afraid I will get lost in the castle again. Arthur is away, and he will not be able to lead me back. Three days I have spent lying in my bed, struggling to remember things. Nothing will come to me but headaches.
I hate this.
Dear Me
Arthur has returned!
I saw them from Gaius' window. Excited, I went to greet them. But Arthur was in a bad mood, and he ignored me. The knights looked tired as well. I guessed that things hadn't gone well.
But the knights smiled at me kindly and asked how I'd been. I lied and said just fine. They nodded and excused themselves, even Gwaine.
I found out that night, when Arthur and Gaius thought I was asleep, that the one who'd done "it" had been killed.
They were both very upset.
I wondered if the one had been a dear friend. My heart ached for their loss, and I wondered whether if I could remember it would have been my loss, too.
Dear Me
Everyone pretends as though all is normal. They are all good actors, but I can see strain in their eyes when they look upon me.
I wonder if "it" was my fault, after all.
I cannot stand the way they look at me, so pityingly. If I ask, they tell me more things, but otherwise they don't bother. I think they've given up.
Perhaps I will never remember. That makes me sad, and I think it makes them sad as well. I don't want them to be sad. I will try harder to remember.
Dear Me
It has been half a fortnight, and still nothing has come to me. It's not fair.
I feel as though a rift is growing between myself and the others. They don't spend as much time with me as they once did. I know it's selfish of me to think that, to dwell on it, to let it hurt, but it does. Obviously I am causing them pain with my presence, and in any case they have their own lives. They have their own things to do.
Only Gaius still behaves the same toward me. But maybe even he is pretending.
I don't know. I wish I did.
I wish I could remember, but I just can't!
Perhaps I should leave.
Dear Me
I had a strange dream last night. I thought about telling Gaius, but I don't want to burden him any more than I do already.
I was in the woods, with Arthur and the other knights. I don't know why, we just were. I know servants don't go along on patrols, but in my dream it felt so...right. Anyway, I was sent off to fetch firewood while the knights lounged about and relaxed. That's when things got a bit blurry.
I remember a searing pain in my head - and it felt so real. But I know it was just a dream, it must have been. It was just a very vivid dream, and I had gone to bed with a headache that night. That must have been what it was.
In my dream I screamed and fell. There was a strange man there, saying something. If I could understand him I couldn't remember what he said. Ha, even in my dreams I can't remember something so trivial! Arthur and the knights came with swords drawn, brought by my scream, probably. Arthur called my name. They attacked the man. Someone grabbed me and began to pull me away. I couldn't remember who it was.
The dream ended there.
I didn't wake with a start or anything, as one might expect with a nightmare. Rather, my eyes just opened and stared up into the darkness. It was not yet dawn.
I spent the rest of the night trying to recall things about myself.
I remembered nothing.
Dear Me
Gaius is tired.
I am a burden, I know. But I have nowhere else to go. To be honest, I am a bit afraid. What if I become too much? I am not productive. I hardly leave my room anymore. I think I should leave before I am put out. That way, at least, I will not have to worry about when it will be.
I will pack tonight.
I will leave.
Dear Me
I left, as I promised myself.
When I was certain Gaius was sleeping, I wrote a farewell note to him. Well, not only to him, but I only spared one sheet from this journal. I did not wish to use his own parchment - it is expensive after all. I considered leaving this journal with him, but I selfishly did not wish to part with it. Perhaps I should have.
But too late now. I cannot return. I have only the necessities: a pack of my clothes and bedroll, and a hunk of cheese and bread, and this journal and some charcoal. I brought no weapons. I doubt I could fight with one, and in any case it just didn't seem right. I managed, after a few tries, to light the fire with some flint. For some reason I felt as though it should have been much easier, but I won't dwell on it.
I walked for half a night and a day. It is darkening again, and I shall rest while I can. I am too close to Camelot yet. I doubt anyone will come for me, but all the same...I almost hope they do.
No, that is selfish of me.
I will sleep now.
Dear Me
Walking is tiring. Of course, it might not be so if I hadn't spent so much time lazing about. But at least when I'm tired I don't think so much. Thinking gives me headaches, especially when I think of the people and things I've left behind. I half wish I had brought some tonics with me, but that's selfish of me.
I will rest here for a while. This forest is eerily familiar. It makes my skin crawl, but I'm really too tired to move on. I think I remember the name of this place...It's the King Valley? No, that's not right. But I'm sure it's got both king and valley in the name.
I'll probably not remember.
Dear Me
When I woke this morning I had a splitting headache.
It still persists even now.
Hard to concentrate.
Rest now.
Dear Me
Headache worse
Dying?
Hope so.
Made no progress
Rest
Dear Me
Cold
It rained
Headache worse
Hurts
Want Gaius
Want Mother - Mother is dead
Dear Me
Magic
Flashes of gold
I remember things
Head hurts - splits - hurts - gone - spinning - empty - hurts
Sword
Red sword
Red leaves
Red dirt
No - it's blood - Whose? - Not mine
Head hurts
Cold and wet - not good
Want to go home - Camelot
Want Gaius
Want Arthur
Lancelot - dead
Freya - dead
Father is dead
Will - dead - why? - right
Head hurts!
Want to die, die - die
Die
Dear Me
Bye
A/N: This is complete. I promise I have nothing more to add. After this, it is all hypothetical. You may draw any conclusion that you wish. Perhaps Arthur finds Merlin and saves him from hypothermia. Perhaps Arthur finds Merlin too late and discovers his journal. Perhaps Merlin wakes alone with all his memories intact and returns to Camelot. Thing is, I don't know. Thing is, I'm not writing anything further for this. ;)
This was just a one-shot idea that suddenly wouldn't leave me be. I am working on another Merlin fic at the moment, but there's no telling when it'll be out considering 1.) I'm a horrible person. 2.) I am currently attending college with a hectic schedule. 3.) I am lazy and facing minor writer's block.
IN ANY CASE, thanks so much for reading! And I hope it wasn't completely horrible.