A/N: AU, one shot, Winter Soldier/Black Widow. Based on The Offspring's Kristy, Are You Doing Okay?
There's a moment in time
And it's stuck in my mind
Way back, when we were just kids
It was a chilly winter noon when the storm swept through Siberia. Unfortunately, they were caught in it and had to wait it out.
On the bright side, the target was already dead, choked to death on his own blood. They buried him six feet under in the middle of nowhere.
It would be a very long time before the remains were found, if they were ever found.
Curled up tightly in the tiny, hurriedly dug snow den, he peered out every few minutes.
"He will not be pleased." The Winter Soldier murmured harshly in Russian.
She just looked at him, unmoving.
He sighed, his temper rising.
"Give me some sort of response, will you?" He barked.
"Apologies sir." She says, a slight tone of worry in her voice.
He sighed, this time mentally.
"It'd be great if you were more of a human than a robot." He muttered.
She tensed, but showed no other outward reaction.
"I am most honoured to serve Mother Russia."
"I don't doubt that, comrade." He said, patting her shoulder.
On reflex, she shrugged away and was barely able to stop herself from throttling him.
"Calm down!" He hissed, grabbing her arm so tightly she was sure there would be bruises.
Awkwardly, the two started checking their own weapons and drafting mission reports.
It was a tense hour before the two assassins made it out of the den.
He cracked a rare smile.
"Snow." He muttered. "Snow!"
Too trained and scared of the repercussions, his companion did nothing.
But she did duck when the snowball came flying at her.
The next one hit.
Too pissed off by the cold, she picked up some snow and threw it back.
Then she froze, realising what she had done.
"Apologies sir." She said hurriedly. "I lost my composure..."
He simply shrugged it off.
"Let loose a little."
It was a good hour before the furious battle ended with the fearsome Black Widow buried under a pile of snow.
She remembered in more detail the two days she spent in freezing, ice cold water down in a dungeon when they found out.
She didn't know what happened to him.
And she dared not find out.
Her mind flashing back to the present, she braced herself as she sped off in a Ferrari to the coordinates Steve gave her.
'Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did
"Natalia", he started to call her.
The first time he did that, they were running away from US soldiers.
They were trapped in a warehouse due to bad Intel, or even worse, a mole.
Currently, they were hiding behind stacks of wooden boxes.
She turned sharply at the call, just as a bullet whizzed past her head.
"Thank you."
The words were foreign, yet seemed so right.
Petrovich said nothing, but recorded the comms.
The next time he said that, they were fighting their way into a HYDRA base to get their hands on a computer server.
He was supposed to retrieve the objective while she fought off the incoming agents.
But something went wrong.
"Natalia!" He yelled.
Looking up, she saw the server flying at her and caught it just in time before it hit the ground.
Petrovich was grim as he berated them for the carelessness.
"You could've lost the objective." He growled. "I expected better from the best!"
"Apologies sir, this will never happen again."
Her companion simply gave a stoic "sorry".
"I think Petrovich is onto me." He murmured as they passed each other in a corridor, a rare occurrence.
They next time they sparred, she whispered in his ear, "He is like my father. He loves Russia. He would never do that."
He started to call her by her name during missions.
Soon, she was notified that he was "called away for a solo assignment".
But she knew where he was taken.
The room.
The room with the bed, machines and wires.
She congratulated herself for not showing the same weakness, though she had started to feel the same.
And as the countryside sped by her in a blur, she was determined to right her past wrongs.
Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
For you this never ends
She senses the exact second he recognises her as Steve helps him into the car.
He freezes and drops onto the ground as Steve lets out an alarmed cry.
"Natalia!" He exclaimed.
Images of her struggling.
Her falling, her partner pulling her out of the way in the nick of time.
Her vibrant red hair stained with a darker red. A deep slash across her forehead. Them struggling for control over the knife.
His mind flashes back to five years ago, when he was let out of his cell and sent to kill an American scientist.
He remembered the bodyguard.
For some reason, he did not shoot both of them through the head.
Instead, he adjusted his shot to pass through her hip and into the target's stomach.
He knew the scientist would die before help come reach them, as he had blown up the road in front of them.
The next time he saw her was at an evening gala. She was after the mob boss he was ordered to protect.
He remembered how she slipped the poison into his drink and how he discretely poured the drink out.
He also remembered subtly chasing each other through the crowds.
He remembered ending it by stabbing her in the thigh.
She pulled away and shoved him back before he could push the air into her blood.
Still, the tip was laced with poison.
He remembered the chaos as the guards chased him through the streets, him with the boss slung over his shoulders as he escaped to the safe house.
Then he was pulled under again after serious reprimanding.
"Wake up!"
The slap woke him up.
Blinking, his mind flew back to the present.
"I'm so sorry." He gasped. "Forgive me, Natalia."
"It's Natasha now." She murmured. "And all is forgiven."
Truly.
She saw him as a comrade, a bright light in her dark past.
But he saw her as his failure, a burden and a wrong.
The days he spent with Steve and her in the safe house, he followed her around like a lost puppy, pulling out her chair and opening doors for her.
She was sick of it; but she knew he needed closure.
One night, he tried to help her stitch up a few of her wounds.
"It's alright." She said firmly. "Don't worry."
"It'll never be alright." He said firmly, tears in his eyes. "It will never be alright."
Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won't bloom
Winter's kept you
Don't waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away
"I want to go to college." He said out of the blue.
The team is shocked, but offer no protest.
"That's great!" Steve says, excited at the prospect of his friend immersing himself back into the world.
"Sure," Tony shrugged. "Which one do you want to get into? What do you want to study?"
He is silent under all the gazes.
"I don't know." He simply says.
"Well that's normal. I bet education was different back then as well."
"Just ask JARVIS for whatever information you might need. Just ask when you make up your mind."
"Are you sure?" She whispered.
"Very."
"Why?"
"I never had the chance."
"Do you actually want to go?"
She moved closer to him.
"You don't have to if you don't want to."
"Well then, would you like to track them down with me?"
Although he does not specify, she knows very well who he is referring to.
"You don't need to actively try to find something to do."
You've suffered enough.
"Focus on the future. Not the past."
Travel with Steve! Take a vacation! Relax! Do everything you never had the chance to do!
"Was that how you got past it?"
Though the marks on your dress
Had been neatly repressed
I knew that something was wrong
And I should have spoke out
And I'm so sorry now
I didn't know
'Cause we were so young
"There!" She hissed as the area comes into view.
The duo was ordered to kill a drug dealer's daughter, a warning of sorts.
He has the shot, and she knows it, so does Petrovich.
But he doesn't take it.
"Comrade?" She murmured.
"She is just a child."
Innocent, she knows.
"Comrade."
He sighs in frustration, realigns his shot and takes it.
They are not welcomed back to base.
Instead, they face Petrovich and a few dozen soldiers.
"Why." He demands.
There is no answer.
"Sir-"
"Do NOT answer for him!" He roars.
She receives no dinner the following week, but she doesn't see him until a month after. Even then, he was limping.
For the weeks later he was cool and indifferent, unquestioning and brutal.
But she knew it was all an act.
So she reciprocated.
She pretended to like this new side of him, when in fact it disgusted her.
"No, she admits. "I righted the wrongs, or tried to."
Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away
She regrets it when he sits at the window day after day.
Well, only for three days, but it was enough.
Steve tries to get him to work out together every morning to no avail.
Thor has been bugging him for a spar in his loud, booming voice.
And Tony, Tony gave him a drink.
That, he accepted, once Tony left.
"Please," she says. "Don't just stay here."
It's a rare occurrence for her to beg.
It's an even rarer occurrence for him not to respond.
"Please."
Soon, the power of the word fades as its commodity increases.
She then changes tactics.
"Honey, please don't do this to yourself."
Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won't bloom
Winter's kept you
Don't waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away
He nearly jumps.
That exceeded her expectations, but she wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
He stares at her.
"James," she whispers, using her years of experience to perfect that voice.
"Please," she murmurs.
"No!" He screams suddenly, jumping away from her. "Get away from me!"
Startled, she back down, her arms in the universal gesture of surrender.
"James?"
"Don't," he gasps. "Don't do that to me."
"Do what?" She is genuinely puzzled.
"Don't treat me like one of them."
A lightbulb sparks on in her mind.
Oh.
"James, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"No." He says firmly.
And for the first time in the week, he gets up and leaves.
He knows he shouldn't be drinking this much, but the alcohol dulls his senses and makes the nightmares go away.
He pretended not to notice the pained look in her eyes when he stumbles back the next morning, smelling of whisky, perfume and sex.
Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away (It never goes away)
It never goes away
He swears a lot more than she remembers.
He is also much more pessimistic.
She remembers a time when he was hope itself.
"Don't worry," he whispered. "I'll get us out of this hellhole."
She cuddled up to him, the two hiding behind a dumpster on the cold streets.
"They won't find us, Natalia. I promise."
Of course, they were found.
Now, he thinks the worst for every scenario. He has written his will, and urged Steve repeatedly to do the same.
She cannot help but sneak a peek at what he wrote.
She is devastated to find that her name isn't on the piece of paper.
Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won't bloom
Winter's kept you
Don't waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away
"You can't keep thinking of things back then." Steve said to him. "I had to get used to the world nowadays as well. If I can do it, so can you."
"I'll try." He says.
A few months later, when he wakes up with the most terrible hangover yet, he decided that he should try.
A month after that, he has gone sober and is officially an Avenger.
Only to find she has gone to Costa Rica to find Dr Banner.
For the second time in his life, he regrets.