Summary: Nicky's reflections after Desh's death.
Author's note: Please, be kind, english is not my first language. If you enjoyed it, let me know!
Everest
He was watching his covered blood hands, deep in thoughts. He couldn't remember the names he said, just their faces. Yet, he couldn't remember mine's. I briefly closed my eyes and forced down the tight ball of emotions that was chocking me. It was not the place for an emotional breakdown. Not here, not now and certaintly not in front of him.
I turned on my heels and went to the bathroom. I pulled out the dye I had purchased on our way here as if I was on autopilot. I was about to leave my life and identity for a man who couldn't understand the meaning of my gesture, the meaning of my feelings toward him.
I took a towel and twist it in my hands. Suddently, I was on my knees, head bent and shoulders shaking with silent sobs. I bit the material, fearing the sounds that he may hear.
"Get a simple story and stick to it. Just remember, if something feels wrong it probably is. Just get out. Go somewhere else. Start over."
He made sure I was listening carefully. I wasn't a trained assassin like he was but I knew more than the few basics. 'Stay off the radar', 'know your terrain', 'always have an escape route and a plan B' were also part for my training.
Yes, I knew more than those rules of survival. What lessons' books hadn't said was even more important and unspoken necessities as well. Don't get involve. Don't raise your expectations. Live a lie. Be someone else. The gravity of those other rules had slapped me in the face when my mouth had spoken everest instead of ruby.
"They'll be coming after you," he had said.
And he was right. I knew he was. The CIA never forgave treason and deserters.
As we stood waiting for my bus arrival, he gave me no more advices. He just looked at me, and for the first time in years, shoote my fears with nonsense words.
"It gets easier".
I looked at him, with the knowledge that it wouldn't. I went inside the bus and took place beside a window. The spot where he has been standing seconds ago was empty. I examined the area and saw his form leaving the compound. He was walking fast with long strides. He disapeared around a corner.
I was furious at him for not remembering me. I was also furious that he was sending me away.
Deeply inside of me, I knew it had to be that way. I couldn't possibly follow him into the quest he was seeking and the killing spree it was causing behind him. The answers were his to found. I also knew that he wouldn't risk another person's life. He already had failed that girl named Marie. He couldn't fail someone else.
I was doomed to run all my life for a man who couldn't remember me.
I sighed and immediately regreted it when a kid sitting nearby looked my way. I turned my head hastily, looking outside. Would he remember the woman who had sighed on the bus? Whould he recognize her if he saw her tomorrow on the broadcast news?
I let out a deep breath and close my eyes. I was beeing paranoid. Was I really afraid of a child? Not likely. I forced my raging nerves to calm down. Moreover, the CIA would never publish my picture on any network. It wasn't the procedure. That realisation calmed my a little.
I was exhausted. I needed to sleep. I had three hours ahead of me before starting the sketching of my new life to come.
I closed my eyes and felt asleep.