Officer Scarlatti's Peculiar Guide for the Romantically Challenged
Meet Spike. Spike is a nerd. Like all nerds, he would rather face a live bomb than face the discomfort of romance any day. Meet life. Life is a jerk. Like all jerks, it's the iceberg to the freaking Titanic. In these twists and turns of fate, life tends to screw around with the nerd and make him endure painfully awkward and failing relationships for the sake of MAYBE finding love.

Falling in love is hard enough on its own, but for nerds like Spike, it's the ultimate challenge. So for the sake of his sanity, learn from his mistakes and failed relationships and shouldn't-even-be-considered-relationships as he fumbles towards the very thing everyone is after: love.

You know… provided he actually gets it.

Ma would always, subtly but surely, insist him on dating and marrying an Italian girl.

It especially was prominent during high school for him while he had kept himself preoccupied with gizmos and gadgets and other geeky toys. He would spend his extra time in chemistry labs and impressing his teachers with extended knowledge of chemical reactions and the lack of unnecessary explosions – unlike his classmates, who sometimes seemed to be oblivious of their actions (and almost setting themselves on fire). Other times, he would busy himself by burying his nose into books about bombs and how to make more unique science projects for Fairs. He'd always bring home first prize (and his father would always disapprove the moment he would tell his parents it was explosive-related).

Usually, he didn't allow such frivolous things to push him off track with his constant work ethic. Granted, he'd make time for the two friends he had but even then, his curiosity in explosions would overwhelm him and off he was to figure out the next near-death experience.

Spike had been about fourteen years old when his teacher announced to the class that he had assigned each student a science lab partner to work on a project. And, just his luck, he had been paired up with a petite Italian girl – who was easily the prettiest girl in school. His cheeks burned at the sound of her name and he swore she had smiled at him; he rejected the truth that no one really cared what was going on.

Antonia. Her name was Antonia.

They agreed they'd meet after school at the library to get started on the project as soon as possible. And unlike the stereotypical prissy and pompous girl in school, she was rather sweet towards him, although not so attentive than he'd like for her to be.

So, while briefly at home, Spike (despite not being called that at the time) prepped his self up with Antonia's smile still plastered in his head. He smiled effortlessly while slyly snatching a peek at 5 Ways to Know a Girl is Interested and 3 Tips for First Dates, quickly looking away whenever hearing Ma walk past his door.

By the time he met up with her at the library, he failed to stop smiling towards her, despite the ache on his face.

For the hour they had been there together, they didn't deviate from the topic of their project, and he would catch himself unintentionally rambling on and on about pointless facts of firecrackers. The troubling part was that she understood every word he said, failing to leave any room for astonishment. He pouted inwardly throughout their study date – although he was aware she would hardly call it a date – and continued with what he did best: his work.

As clever children, they aced their project and attained the highest mark. And what seemed to be a collection of hopefulness that perhaps this little lady would be his future wife (considering she was Italian and Ma would be proud to call Antonia her future daughter-in-law and Pa would be ecstatic about having a brilliant and pretty girl as his son's wife), it tore him apart the moment he spotted her hand-in-hand with another guy.

Serves him right for hoping.

And he never had a chance to really talk to her again throughout high school and instead had his eyes towards another girl named Bridgett, whom he wouldn't see again until his vacation to Jamaica with Lou – so many years later.

"Destiny speaks, I don't ask questions."

Despite his happy three days with Bridgett during his vacation and his unfair experience of loss of his closest friend shortly afterwards, the months that passed by had him spending time more with the team after working hours. At the nearest bar, Sam paid for their drinks while subconsciously flashing smiles towards the general crowd. That charismatic jerk. The blonde could have any woman he could ever want, and even when Spike would never admit it, it was something he was fervently envious of.

He briefly looked around and saw women talking amongst themselves, and knew that their smiles and flirtatious little pointing all fell towards Sam. Sometimes he didn't get it. Did Sam care for any of this? Spike groaned inwardly and avoided the curious stare of the great Officer Ed Lane while wondering if Sam even noticed the women practically throwing themselves at his feet. He wondered what it would be like to be the guy who could get everyone's attention in a heartbeat all by a simple smile.

It's not like he hated him or anything. In fact, he knew Sam had eyes for Jules and it wasn't too hard to see that if he could, he'd kiss Jules at every waking hour.

Spike shrugged.

He had to hand it to him, though. All of these attractive women surrounded him and his eyes never deviated from Jules's direction.

He would, however, kill to be in Sam's spot. To be attracted by other people – not loving Jules. He cringed at the accidental thought of that; Jules, to him, was the sister he never had (and he had always, always wanted another sibling but would never, ever beg his parents for that; he had some pride) and to consider himself ever attracted to her caused him to lower his head in shame. Yeah… no. It wasn't ever going to happen.

Eventually, their attention shifted to the television screen higher up on the wall as they simultaneously began cheering for their passionate love for hockey. And sometimes there mock arguments between the favour of Crosby or Ovechkin or listing reasons why the Blackhawks were favourably better than the Canucks during the playoffs – and to Spike's surprise, Jules would be just as knowledgeable in hockey as the rest of the guys.

Ma always did say never to underestimate the power of women.

He could hear her now. "Michaelangelo, I didn't teach you to think like that!"

Spike smirked to himself and absentmindedly cast his eyes towards the bartender. Just like how Jules surprised him on ever occasion, it surprised him to see a woman behind the bar, cleaning glasses and serving them to customers with a commercial smile effortlessly plastered onto her face. And for some reason, he thought of Bridgett despite the fact that she looked nothing like her. As his eyes narrowed and he focused on her face, he began to recognize the features of a certain young woman who was polite enough to accept him as her lab partner but definitely not enough to be her boyfriend.

Ed, who stood behind him, suddenly pushed him towards the bartender's way while shouting, "Go say hi!"

Spike shot his team leader a look mixed with anxiety and surprise. Didn't Ed know by now that women were more terrifying and far more complex than bombs? As he turned around to face the much older Antonia, his former Italian high school sweetheart (regardless that they didn't really date) displayed that familiar smile he used to think were especially for him.

"Hi," she greeted while wiping down the counter. "What can I get you?"

"I, uh…"

His face froze and he knew that the rest of his team was now staring him down; trying to see what was going to happen as if he were one of the subjects they would chase, armed with an assault rifle that obviously needed to be talked down by experienced negotiators. Usually, he always had a few lines prepared – just like public speaking – to make sure he wouldn't end up standing in front of attractive women, gawking at them hopelessly. But he found himself doing exactly that.

Thankfully (and mercifully), Sam came to his rescue by casually wrapping his arm around Spike's neck and ordering a new round of drinks (save for Greg – the apparent designated driver for the night). No big deal… for Sam.

Antonia nodded and chirpily got to work.

"Wow," Sam sarcastically said to him. He patted his back in mock sympathy. "You're, uh, gonna need to hone those talking skills of yours, buddy. I think you might be getting a little rusty."

Spike snorted. "I know her," he whispered, motioning to the bartender. Sam raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

"Really?" he asked, his eyes constantly looking over at Antonia. Spike dropped his shoulders; he knew what Sam was thinking. How could a nerd like him know a pretty girl like her? But instead, the former spec ops operative told him in a lowered voice, "You look like you don't know her." And before Spike had a chance to reply to him, Antonia whipped around, sliding to them their drinks.

She smiled at the two of them before Spike impulsively asked, "Do you remember me?"

The life in her eyes died and her smile faded. She appeared to have looked like she were concentrating at his face and he began mentally pleading for any form of recognition. Spike began to feel the heavy gaze on the back of his head, knowing Sam was probably hoping she was going to say yes, too – for the sake of less embarrassment.

But she shook her head and apologized before returning to her work, something Spike assumed was her defence mechanism to retract away from a conversation before it would even start. He knew that look, too – she wasn't interested. Sam sighed once again and patted his back before they turned away from the bar, now heading towards the team's table. Sam chuckled lowly.

"Shut up."

And despite that Spike laughed with him, he repeated a new mantra in his head over and over again before brushing off his disappointment and changing the subject of conversation.

That's what you get for hoping, you geek.

Author's Note: Hello, readers! What I've brought for you is a collection of a series of relationships and almost-relationships and how they fail or semi-work for a nerd like Spike. Relationships aren't nearly as smooth as Hollywood portrays it, and for someone who isn't nearly as skilled in that department – it means more fun for us.

So there will be a series of mini-stories before Spike maybe or somehow gets to his own working romance… provided he or whoever she is doesn't screw it up. (If it isn't already clear, this means no, Antonia is not this romantic interest.)

Some of these stories, by the way, are based off of experiences and the experiences of friends. Some of them get really, really embarrassing.

So please: reviews are very encouraging and they are opportunities to let me know if the story is to your guys' liking. Feel free to drop in some stories of relationship-based embarrassing moments, and they may inspire me to push Spike into them.

(Nerdfighters, DFTBA.)