Disclaimer: I dont own the characters. I'm just playing.
Wounded Love
I sit back and watch the two of them talk. I'm unusually silent tonight. My sarcasm and sense of humor have taken their leave just now. I am mesmerized by him. The dark sweep of his brows, the rich brown of his eyes, the resonance in his voice. All things that are so familiar and yet tonight I feel as though I am seeing them for the first time. He and Jim talk while they play chess. I'm observing their game, as is my usual when we congregate. I don't know where this attraction is coming from, but my fingers twitch at the thought that they could be touching Spock in intimate ways.
I can't seem to focus my thoughts on anything but him. Jim tries for a moment to grab my attention. I register that he has said something to me but I can't bring myself to care that he has spoken to me. I am engrossed in my thoughts, my daydreams, my fantasies about Spock. It's like being awakened from a long sleep and seeing your soul mate.
Later tonight my clinical detachment and reality will gang up on me and I will get over this obsession that is developing but at the moment I wish to savor the experience. I have never met someone like Spock before and I hope that I never will again. He can be so frustrating, caring, human, that I just don't know how to handle him. Its times like that that I revert to my cynicism and sarcasm, to get me through. It's a defense mechanism that everyone is on the receiving end of, especially him. He is the one that has the most potential to break through all my barriers and walls, into my heart and into my soul. That terrifies me. I don't want to let him in. He has so much potential, not only as the greatest love of my life, by also as my greatest weakness, and the one who can hurt me the most. I can't let my obsession go farther than simple observation of him.
I turn my gaze back to him and Jim. They are still talking about some subject that was recently brought up by Starfleet. They don't seem to notice my stare. Its then that it dawns on me. I am overcome with a sudden sadness and an intense wave of jealousy. They belong to one another. I am a third wheel, anchoring a good love when it should fly free.
I can't stand to be there. I rise and give my excuses in a soft, half mumbled way and head to my quarters. Tonight I will weep in pity for myself and wallow in my sadness and regret. Tomorrow I will be the normal happy and sarcastic doctor that they expect. But for tonight, I need to feel the pain and I need to experience that wounded love I have for Spock.