Ever since the original airing I've had problems accepting and understanding Buffy's "relationship" with Spike. This is my way of reconciling my feelings as I explore what I wish could have occurred.

Need

by justagrump

Why did they bring me back? It's too much for my senses. Every sight, every sound scrapes across my raw nerves like ten thousand fingernails down a thousand chalkboards. Always too bright light invades my eyes sending piercing shafts of agony straight into my brain. Touch is the worst. Sun filtering through the trees is a blow torch on my skin; a cool summer breeze becomes Arctic pack ice. The softest pillow is as a brick beneath my head. The flow of smooth cool sheets a cheese grater against my skin. Everything here is hard and sharp, either too hot or too cold. No emotion surfaces to cloud my mind. I am empty, devoid of thought. All I have now is endless pain and the deepest sense of loss.

My friends believe they saved me from an unspeakable hell dimension. The truth that I can never tell them is that they have instead condemned me to Hell. Ripped unwillingly from the peace, contentment and all surrounding love of Heaven, I am forced now to endure unending torment caused by the ones who love and care for me the most. I had saved my sister Dawn, the world and all who were nearest and dearest to me. Death was my gift to them. Heaven was my reward. No more fighting, no more pain or heartache. No decisions to make or victims to save. I had vanquished every evil that thought to challenge me, answered every clarion call to battle. I died so that they could live, thus fulfilling the purpose of my life. My mission was complete. And they can never know.

Darkness falls as the blazing furnace disappears below the horizon. The walls of this house, my home, are too close, the rooms too small and confining. Dressed only in a light summer dress and an overcoat I flee the tight space, ignoring the concerned look on my sister's face. Taking a deep breath of relief, I pull the harsh material covering my thin frame tighter to ward off the chill of the warm night. Dawn keeps insisting that I eat more. I have lost too much weight and I need to regain my strength. How can I tell her that every bite of whatever she places in front of me tastes like dust and ash in my mouth? That my stomach roils and clenches in protest at everything that I swallow? I can see the worry in her eyes every time she looks at me and yet I feel nothing. Unable to endure any more lectures with her soft voice screeching in my ears, I have been trying to appease her by forcing myself to chew and swallow as much as I am able to avoid hurting her feelings.

I wander aimlessly through the night with no destination in mind. All I know is that I had to escape the claustrophobic confines of my home. I couldn't endure another night of the false cheerfulness of my friends and sister or the ever present looks of worry and concern they think I don't see. Out here, in one of the many cemeteries that are so necessary in Sunnydale, under the cover of darkness, the world feels softer, safer; the hard edges blurred and not so sharp. No overly enthusiastic voices tear at me, no harsh lights cast daggers into my eyes. Dark quiet solitude is all I crave. I release a tired sigh as I realize that I'm not going to find it.

"Out for a little midnight stroll, are we pet?" The sneer in the voice is obvious as he walks up behind me. "Do the other Scoobies know you're out here alone or did you sneak out your bedroom window again?" I don't have to see his face to know that he's wearing a cruel smirk.

Anger and frustration at the bleach blonde vampire's presence threaten to break through the wall surrounding my emotions. I turn towards him and raise my stake. "Go away Spike. Before I make you go away, permanently."

"Now don't be like that, love." I hate it when he starts talking like that. Okay, I hate it when he talks at all. "I was only looking out for your safety what with you stomping around out here loud enough to wake us undead. You should really pay more attention when you go walk-about through graveyards. You never know when some evil creature of the night might be looking for something more than a light snack." I can't possibly miss his leering eyes as they travel up and down my body or the way his tongue curls around one too long and sharply pointed tooth.

"Give it up Spike. I would rather die….again, before I let something as loathsome and disgusting as you touch me!"

"You weren't so high and mighty when you were naked and down on your knees in Giles' bathroom sucking my cock now were you pet? You just couldn't wait to get a creamy taste of ole Spike's ball juice then. Admit it Buffy, you loved it and can't wait for a second helping of my cum sliding down your throat." My gut wrenching revulsion gives way to satisfaction at the sickening crunch of his nose as my fist shoots out and connects before he can dodge out of the way. "Ow! Bloody hell woman, watch the nose!"

"That was Willow's spell and you know it, you sick fuck! I could never love a monster like you. I hate you Spike. No, it's more than that. I despise you! You are beneath contempt."

"Maybe so pet. But at least I belong here. You came back wrong and there's nothing left in this world for you now." He lets out a nasally yelp as he presses the damaged cartilage back into place. My stomach churns in revulsion again as he licks the blood from his fingers. "You can deny it all you want Buffy, but I'm all you've got. I hear things you know. Your friends don't know how to you help anymore. Your watcher has abandoned you. Even Little Bit can see that you're slipping. That poofter off yours has run off to Los Angeles with his tail between his legs. Little soldier boy wasn't man enough to get the job done and there's nobody else around who'll put up with your pathetic pity party, you ungrateful little bitch. You might be able to fool the people around you but you can't fool me. Sometimes a girl needs a little demon in her man." He throws his hands up and takes a step back as I cock my fist behind me. "No need to rush the foreplay pet. It won't be long before you're back on your knees begging me to let you have another round of salty goodness. I ain't getting any older."

His leather duster swirls around his legs as he cockily strides into the shadows. It's getting late and I know Dawn will wait up worrying about me so I make my way back home. Spikes words taunt me with every step. I hate to admit it, but he could be right. Ever since I came back he's been the only one who has been able to get a rise out of me. Even though all I can feel is anger, disgust and revulsion whenever he's around, it's still better than the gnawing emptiness and sense of loss that permeates my soul. Somehow, the spell that Willow cast to bring me back must have gone wrong, leaving me a broken and empty shell. When I get home I ignore Dawn's questions about how I'm doing and the pained expression in her eyes as I send her up to bed. I make sure the doors are locked and all of the lights are off before climbing the stairs with a bone weary sigh and prepare myself for another sleepless night.

I survive another agonizing day of bright Californian sunshine surrounded by Dawn, Willow and Tara. Thankfully, Giles and Anya have been too busy at the Magic Box to stop by and Xander has his construction job. At sunset I manage to slip out on my own to patrol by telling Willow that I'm getting better and that I need to do this alone, that it will help get my head back in the game. I can tell that she's not convinced but another migraine coming on at hearing her talk forces me to cut her short. I give her a skin crawling hug just to shut her up and disappear into the night. I smirk at myself as I walk. I've become as much a creature of the night as Angel or Spike. That my death and resurrection were quite a bit more complicated than theirs and that I don't have to drink blood to survive doesn't change the fact that I am more at home out here in the darkness than anywhere else. Sometimes I think maybe I should just find some vampire or demon and toss the fight. At least then this nightmare of an existence would finally come to an end.

But of course, I can't. Not after everything else that's happened. It's too bad Faith turned against us after killing Deputy Mayor Alan Finch. Giles had told me that we might have been able to save and rehabilitate her. But then she went over to the dark side and helped insane-o-matic Mayor Wilkins in his attempt at becoming the new demon on the block. Now she's sitting in some prison in L.A. after Angel and I managed to convince her to turn herself in instead of throwing herself off that building. If suicide wasn't the answer for Faith after what she did, how can I possibly justify it for myself? And not that I'm really religious or anything, but somehow I doubt that letting myself get killed would earn me another spot in Heaven.

I find my way to the bluff above Angel's mansion and sit on the grass. I can't stop the tears of loneliness and despair as I gaze down at the glittering world that I am longer a part of. It all looks so peaceful and calm from here with welcoming lights shining through the windows of the houses and stores. Moving shafts of light travel down the roads to lead weary people home to their loved ones. Spike was right. I don't belong here, not anymore. I can't think of any place, at least not on this earth, where I could go to regain what I have lost. But to leave now, after everything my friends went through to bring me back, isn't an option either. It was hard enough on all of them when I took off to L.A. after I had had to kill Angel. My mom and Dawn, Giles, Willow and Xander; they never gave up hope, never stopped searching for me the entire time I was gone. Even after I died and they had buried my body. They kept searching for a way to bring me back from what they thought was a demon dimension. I know they meant well, that they did it out of love for me. But I came back wrong. My last words to Dawn before I leapt from that makeshift tower into the swirling energy vortex come back to me now. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. As difficult as that is going to be, it's what I have to find a way to do.

I trace a circuitous route back home to avoid Spike's usual haunts. To meet him again tonight would crumble my resolve to carve out some semblance of a new life in this world. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I would give him what he wants just so that I can feel something again. Maybe disgust and revulsion at the things I would let him do to me would provide a starting point for other, better and brighter emotions that are so much a part of human life. I groan as I pull my body in through the open window of my bedroom and sit on the floor to lean against the foot of the bed. I really have gotten weak. I was barely able to climb the tree and make the short jump to the roof of the porch. I guess even Slayer strength has it's limits when I don't take care of my body. I finally strip off my clothing in the dark and fall exhausted into bed.

I must be dreaming. One of those prophetic Slayer's dreams that seem so real, perhaps. I inhale the rich floral scent of jasmine as soft strong hands massage and loosen the tight as a guitar string muscles of my back. I moan in exquisite pleasure at the gentle pressure that moves up from the base of my spine to the bottom of my neck, popping long abused and neglected vertebrae back into their proper alignment. If this were a real dream, this is the place where it would fast become a nightmare. Instead, warm slick hands knead deep into my skin, seeking out and easing long held tension. For the first time since I dug my way out of my own grave my raw nerves are quieted and the ever present headache has receded. Calloused fingertips coated in oil work at the muscles in my neck and shoulders, eliciting another moan of pleasure before descending to work down each arm. I feel the bed shift as my hidden benefactor settles onto my legs and I get a brief flash of alarm as I realize that we are both naked. The hushed "Shh" is so quiet in the silent room that I would have missed it if not for my Slayer enhanced hearing. Finished now with each individual finger, my hands are laid to rest on the pillow beside my head and the fruity under tone of the jasmine further relaxes my troubled mind.

The bed shifts again as the warm weight lifts from the tops of my thighs and I whimper at the sudden loss of contact. I catch the soft schlick of what sounds like more oil being poured before the anonymous hands return to my lower back and begin their kneading descent. My body stiffens involuntarily as my legs are spread slightly apart and I bury my face into the pillow. Another whisper quiet "Shh" reaches me as more oil is applied to the backs of my thighs to be worked in by unseen hands. My body begins to vibrate when slick fingertips slip their way to the insides of my thighs, brushing lightly across my engorged outer labia only to disappear again. I pray that my groan of need and desire for further stimulation is muffled by the pillow. I relax again as they continue to travel lower and have enough presence of mind left to hope that my state of arousal has gone unnoticed by the person continuing to caress me. Calves, ankles, feet and finally each individual toe receive the same treatment as the rest of my body. Only once before have I felt so relaxed and at peace and I had had to die to achieve such bliss. My omni-present headache is gone, raw nerves have been soothed and every muscle massaged into the consistency of vanilla pudding. For the first time since Glory so violently tore apart my life I sleep dream free.

Soft light filtering into the room eases me from the first real rest I've had in months, not counting when I was dead. I stretch my arms above my head and arch my back as I practically purr in satisfaction at how good I feel. Lingering traces of jasmine on my bed covers and skin reach me as I swing my feet to the floor and I recall the events of last night that have me feeling this way. A brown paper bag on my vanity draws my attention and as I walk over, I notice a note attached to the side. Although I haven't seen the hand writing in years, I instantly know who the author is. With suddenly weak legs I sink into the chair beside me and read in disbelief….

"B, heard you've been having some problems lately and since I was in the neighborhood I thought I'd drop by to lend you a hand. Meet me at the mansion tonight at 10 so I can finish what I started. F."

I can't help but shake my head and laugh. In the neighborhood huh? What? Did she go out for a stroll in the prison yard and just happened to get lost on the way? I set the note to the side and reach into the bag to pull out two plastic bottles. Shampoo and body wash, both jasmine scented. All at once my blood begins to boil as reality dawns on me. That was her last night, here in my room! That murdering, body stealing, boy friend fucking, back stabbing bitch actually had the nerve to break out of prison, sneak back into my town, and into my bedroom in the middle of the night just so she could….give me a massage? Do for me what nobody else, not Angel, not Riley and certainly not Spike had ever done before; give me one night of almost heaven on earth? My sudden bout of anger sputters into confusion as I open one of the bottles and take a deep whiff. That sweet scent wafts over me again calming away the left over fragments of an emotion that I no longer want a part of my life. The topic of Faith is still off limits around me, but I know that Giles has been in contact with Angel and Wesley about her. Everybody knows that we had formed some sort of bond before she went evil and both former Watchers have suggested that I should go and talk to her, that it might in some way help speed her rehabilitation. How can they expect me to forgive her for what she did to me and my family? How am I supposed to trust her again? Still, maybe if I play along I can figure out what game she's playing now and this time stop her before she can hurt anyone else. I scoop up the bottles and head for the shower.

"Buffy?" Dawn looks at me in wide eyed wonder as I enter the kitchen. I'm more myself today. After a long warm shower I applied some light makeup and peach lip gloss. For clothing I went with a loose white strap yoga top, blue Kahe skirt over pink cotton panties and sandals on my feet. "Whoa! Okay, who are you and what have you done with my sister?" she asks only half jokingly. "Did Willow finally get BuffyBot fixed and this is some lame joke at my expense?" I give her a genuine smile which only helps deepen her confusion. "Buffy, are you feeling okay? And what's that awesome smell?"

"Jasmine. I got some new soap and shampoo last night. And yeah, I do feel pretty good this morning. Is there any breakfast left?" After my shower I became aware of how famished I am. Another new thing in my new life.

"Uh, no. But only because it's almost three in the afternoon. I can throw something together though if you're really that hungry." I sit on a stool and watch as she starts rummaging through the refrigerator. My stomach growls as the space on the counter disappears under small mountain of leftovers. "I was beginning to think I'd have to start freezing this stuff, what with the way you've not been eating us out of house and home. Did you finally got some sleep, or where you out all night again?"

"Sleep, definitely. Dawnie, I'm sorry I made you worry so much."

"But you're better now, right? More like your old self?"

I force myself to pull her into a quick hug. "Getting there. And I promise, from now on, things are going to keep getting better. Here, see?" To prove my point I pull a small bowl from the pile before me and start eating, not caring what kind of soup or stew it was supposed to be. It might still like muddy ash, but at least it brings a smile to her face. "Mmm. Good."

"Umm, Buffy? I know I'm not the best cook in the world, but that gravy might taste better if you put it on some potatoes."

I stop the second spoonful half way to my lips before lowering it back to the bowl. Suddenly I wish I could become invisible like Marcie Ross but of course I have no such luck. "Oh god Dawn. I am so sorry."

I suffer through her quick hug and she quickly starts filling a plate. "Hey, no big. Start out small. Baby steps Buffy. I'm just glad that you're feeling better." She takes the plate from the microwave and sets it in front of me.

She gives me a big smile as I start eating again. "Oh yeah, much better. Thanks."

I finish my food and watch as she clears the counter. "Oh by the way, Giles called. He wants you to stop by the Magic Box sometime today if, you know, you feel up to it."

"Sure, why not? Did he say what he wants to see me about?"

"No, just that it's really important and he wanted to tell you in person."

I enter the Magic Box trailing behind Dawn and take off my sunglasses. Anya is at the register ringing up purchases for a customer. Willow, Tara and Xander are seated at the round study table and break off their conversation to greet us in rather subdued voices. Wills and Xand can barely look me in the eye and Tara is fidgeting nervously in her chair. I step over to the table and cross my arms over my chest.

"Where is she?" I ask coldly. I know she's close by, I can feel her and from the way they're acting my friends know exactly who I'm talking about. Three pairs of eyes look anywhere but at me and remain silent so I turn to Anya and raise an eyebrow at her.

She rolls her eyes at me but stops counting her money long enough to say "Oh for goodness sake. Giles is hiding Faith in the training room. Just remember, you're paying for any repairs I have to get Xander to take care of."

As I head for the closed door at the back of the store I hear Dawn ask "Buffy? What's going on? What's Faith doing here?"

"Stay out of it Dawn." I close the door behind me.

Giles turns towards me, worry and concern evident in his lined face and for the first time I notice how old he's gotten since I first met him. Being my Watcher has really been hard on him, even more so since my 'return'. "Ah Buffy. So glad you could make it. I wanted..."

I cut him off mid sentence. "Where is she?" I ignore the sad look on his face as he drops his eyes to the floor and steps to one side.

At first I don't recognise the nervous looking brunette in front of me. She has the same long wavy hair and chocolate brown eyes as I remember, but the Faith I knew was more confident, cockier. This Faith is way thinner, dressed in a black long sleeved turtle neck, faded blue jeans and well worn tennis shoes. She lowers her eyes away from me and stuffs her hands deep into her pockets.

In my coldest, hardest voice I spit out her name, "Faith"

In a low voice she says "Hey B. Long time no see."

"What are you doing here Faith? How did you break out? Giles? Why haven't you called the police yet?"

"Missed you too B." she mumbles as Giles steps between us again.

"Now Buffy, please calm down and we can discuss this rationally."

"Rationally? She's a convicted murderer and she broke out of prison! Who knows what..."

"Enough!" Giles rarely raises his voice but when he does I know enough to shut up and listen. "As you well know, Faith was not charged with murder but with manslaughter and was sentenced to ten years in prison. A law firm in Los Angeles took a look at her case and was able to convince a judge to reduce her sentence. I know how hard this is for you to accept Buffy, but Faith did not escape. She was released. She's out on parole and I have been assigned as her sponsor."

I sneer at her. "What, did they give her credit for good behavior?"

Somehow Faith manages to look even more fidgety and nervous as she shrugs her shoulders and quietly says "Something like that, yeah."

I give Giles a withering look. "You knew! You knew about this and didn't tell me."

"This isn't about you Buffy. The state of California has decided that Faith has paid her debt to society. As long as she abides by the terms of her parole she's as free to come and go as you or I. Besides, you have to admit that you haven't exactly been yourself lately."

Now it's my turn to be nervous. "Well, yeah I know, but...it's just that..." and to add icing to the cake I finish lamely with "...that's different. And I'm getting better." Great, now even I can't stand the whine in my voice.

Giles offers his kindest father knows best smile. "I know my dear, and I also know that you need more time. All I'm asking that you give Faith another chance. Aren't you the one person who stood by Angel after he returned? I truly believe that she's changed, Buffy and that given time you will see it as well. Do you think you could at least try?"

I sigh and watch Faith as she picks at the hem of one sleeve. She certainly doesn't look like the same person that fell into a passing truck with a deep knife wound in her stomach. And she had the perfect opportunity to get her revenge on me last night. Maybe Giles is right. Maybe she has changed. But can I take that chance? Can I put Dawn in danger again if she hasn't?

"I don't know Giles. So much happened the last time she was here. It's not going to be easy."

"Buffy, nothing worth doing is ever easy. Just please, try your best. That's all anyone can ask. Of either of you."

Faith finally looks at me and mumbles "I'm not here to fight you B. I know I can't ever make things right between us cause of the really shit things I did. But I want you to know that I'm going to do whatever I have to to try and earn your trust back. I wanna help B, in any way I can. Just tell me what I have to do."

I run my hand through my hair and sigh again as I remember how much she helped last night. "Giles, can you give us a minute? Alone? I promise not to kick her ass unless she gives me a reason."

I can see he's reluctant to leave. "Faith?"

For the first time she flashes him a dimple filled smile. "Five by five G. I can take whatever she dishes out."

"Very well then. But do try not to damage anything, won't you? Anya would never let me hear the end of it."

After watching the door close behind him I turn back to face my old enemy. "What was that all about, Faith"

Her smile disappears and she's all nervous and picking at her sleeve again. "What was what all about B?"

"You know what I mean. Last night... And this morning, that stuff you left? Why are you really here?"

"I don't know. It's just that...I had a lot of time in prison, to think and stuff ya know? My therapist thought it might be a good idea if I could spend some of it learnin' something new."

"You had a therapist?"

"Yeah. It's no big. She was nice enough and all, I guess. Got me to talk about some of the shit I done and why I did them. Even had Soul Boy, Wes and G-man come in once in a while to help me work things out, ya know?"

Angel was in on this too? "No, I didn't know. Nobody said anything to me about any of it."

"Yeah well, that's how I found out that you died and shit B." My jaw must have hit floor as I notice Faith blinking rapidly and avoid looking at me again. I could almost swear that she's trying hard not to cry in front of me. I turn away in the uncomfortable silence to let her regain her composure. After a few minutes she's able to continue. "The doc said that was when I had my first real break through. After that, things just kinda got easier to talk about. Then G told me that Red brought you back but that something wasn't right. Everybody's been real worried about you. I wanted to try and find a way to help so I started hitting the books."

"I guess you had lots of volunteers to help you study huh?" I'm still feeling bitchy and unsure about her being back and don't bother trying to hide it. I almost feel guilty at the pained look in her eyes.

"It wasn't like that B. I mean yeah, my cell mate let me practice on her, but we weren't allowed stuff like massage oil in prison. Guess they were afraid someone would make it into a weapon or to make drugs or some shit like that. I had to use hand soap and I can tell ya, it's nothing like the real thing. Last night was my first time using real oil. Looked to me like it did the trick though."

The little twinkle in her has me blushing. "Oh yeah. You have no idea."

Some of that cockiness is back now at seeing my reaction and those dimples are out in full force again. "Yeah? So does this mean you'll let me finish tonight?"

My forehead creases in confusion. "What do you mean finish? I admit that last night was...well, it was great. That's the best I've felt in a really long time. But that was it, wasn't it? What more could there be? Besides, don't think for a minute that I trust you regardless of what Giles might say."

This time I can definitely feel a little stab of guilt at her crestfallen expression. "Yeah, I get it B. I know that I have a long ways to go to earn that from you. But there's lots more to it than what I gave you last night. Maybe you can think of it as practice and part of my therapy. Part of my parole is that I have to get a full time job and I was thinking of maybe being a masseuse."

"You wanna be a moose?" Okay, now I'm lost.

Her sudden laughter is bright and I realise how much I missed being able to talk to her like this. "Not a moose, Blondie! A masseuse! A massage therapist. You know, someone who gives other people massages?" She shakes her head and laughs again. "God B, you're still such a dork."

I blush again at my mistake and choose bluster over brains. "Oh yeah, F? I may be a dork but I can still kick your ass."

"Get real Twinkie. You could never take me and you know it."

"Care to put your money where your where mouth is, F?" We both drop into fighting stances and start circling each other. Now this is more like the Faith that stormed into my life like a tornado so many years ago. The fierce competitiveness that she always ignites in me feels good.

"You're on B. I'm gonna wipe the floor with your cute little ass."

"You didn't get to drive much stick in prison, did you? I think you're all talk and no walk Fai."

"Any port in a storm sweet cheeks. Loser has to do whatever the winner wants for a week?"

"Sounds good to me. I can't wait to watch you scrubbing my toilet with your toothbrush."

"I'm gonna love seeing you down on your knees as you paint my toe nails, Princess. And I get to practice my massages on you too!"

"Clean my room, serve me breakfast in bed."

"You just wanna see me in a skimpy French Maid outfit, you harlot."

"Are we going to fight or are ya going to talk me into submission jailbird?"

"Best two out of three B?"

"Let's do this all ready"