It was the last day of the last year of James Sirius Potter's time at Hogwarts. And today was the day.
This was the day that one Caitlin Fitzpatrick—a gorgeous Irish redhead—would say yes to his fervent queries for a date.
It would be at breakfast. It had to be at breakfast. That's how these stories went, after all. James even went through the troubles of festooning the Gryffindor table with flowers. He wanted to make the moment special, after all. This would be, after all, a highlight of the stories they told their future grandchildren about how James had finally won Caitlin.
At breakfast, James made sure to sit right by Caitlin. It was important, after all, to show her that he had matured by not shouting it to the entire Great Hall, as Fred had suggested.
Fred had it so easy, that lucky bastard. All he had to do was have sexual tension with one of the Quidditch players. And once that bludger concussed him and he was rushed to the Hospital Wing, all he had to do was wake up, and of course Olivia Werne was at his bedside.
God. If only. No, James had to find an unrelated ginger at his school whose name meant "pure." If it weren't for Caitlin, he'd be up a creek.
"Caitlin, will you go out with me?" James asked. James hadn't asked her in almost three weeks, to show his maturity. He helped her with her Arithmancy. He'd stopped hexing people. They were acquaintances. He had done everything right.
Caitlin laughed derisively. "No."
And James's world exploded.
"You—you can't say no!" he protested.
Caitlin raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"There are rules about this sort of thing! I've done everything right!" James said angrily. "We're supposed to go out tonight, then fall in love and get married and name our children after my parents! That's how it goes!"
"I don't like you," Caitlin said slowly. "Do you understand? As a person, I am not a fan of you. Sorry."
"But I've done everything right! I've been turning into your perfect man!"
"How have you been turning into my perfect man?" Caitlin asked. "Do you have Polyjuice Potion to turn yourself into Ryan Gosling?"
"I haven't hexed Slytherins, I haven't asked you out, I help you with Arithmancy! That's how you do it!" James shouted.
Caitlin looked shocked. "That's called being a decent human being, not winning over a woman! And even if you weren't a total douchebag, I'd still say no, because I am not attracted to you!"
"That's a lie!" James declared. "Everyone's attracted to me!"
"I'm not."
"What about the Obligatory Uncomfortable Mistletoe Kiss?" James asked. "You seemed very attracted to me then!"
Caitlin blushed. "Honestly, I thought it was Albus."
James stormed out of the Great Hall.
Albus smiled cockily. "Hey, Fitzpatrick? Hogsmeade?"
"Oh, dear God, no."