Author's notes: A one-shot I wrote forever ago. House finds out about all the gayness going around in the hospital and doesn't join in. I really want to continue, but don't know where to go with it. Any suggestions?

"So, are you and Wilson having sex?"

House tripped over some unseen thing on the floor and crashed to the ground face first, not even bothering to put out a hand to break his fall. He scrambled to a sitting position and glared at the speaker. Thirteen reached out a half-hearted hand to help him up. He didn't accept.

It wasn't so much the question, or even the suddenness. It was the speaker that had House rattled. Taub was not the person he had expected to voice this concern.

"Are you and Foreman?" He spat, suddenly unable to come up with a more witty response.

Taub glanced at Foreman, who shrugged. Taub turned back to House, who was now standing, and gave him his usual bland look.

"I wouldn't call it that."

Suddenly all eyes were on him. Kutner was staring open mouthed at him and twitching in a strange way with one eyebrow. Thirteen looked at him for a long moment then turned to Foreman and crooked her head to one side.

"So that's how you knew." She smiled, nodding. "You can't have your radar go off unless you have criteria to base it off of."

House blinked once, twice, and then a third time. He shook his head. "Any who, no. Now, on with the case!"

"Everybody lies," Taub smiled a tiny smile that barely registered.

Kutner swung his head to stare intently at Foreman. Foreman gave him a confused look and drew back slightly. Kutner reached out and poked Foreman in the arm. Hard.

"Ow, hey!" Foreman slid his chair away and glared at Kutner angrily. "What was that for?"

"You said you didn't swing that way so I was totally justified in the revenge-poking." Kutner nodded to himself and turned back to House. "The case?"

House didn't answer. He glanced carefully at each of his fellows and tilted his head to one side, frowning and smiling at the same time. "Okay, here's an idea. Raise your hand if you haven't slept with someone of the same gender as you."

No body moved.

House blinked and pulled out his pager. He typed something in and looked back at the assembled masses with new found interest. "So tell me, Foreman, what about the last group?"

"You mean Chase and Cameron?"

"No, I mean Spock and McCoy. Of course I mean Chase and Cameron." House spat out and glared at him.

Foreman shrugged again. "Well I don't know about Cameron, but Chase was so flaming he was on fire."

Thirteen sat up a little straighter. "I know about Cameron."

She quite suddenly had the full attention of every man in the room. "Really?" Kutner asked, with a sparkle in his eye that spoke volumes.

Thirteen rolled her eyes. "Not because of that." The other four looked sad and leaned back. "Cuddy told me."

Now she had House's undivided attention. "Really… Interesting."

On that note, Wilson walked in looking a bit harried. "What's the big emergency, Foreman?"

Foreman looked confused and felt his pocket. He frowned. "House, give me my pager back."

He rolled his eyes and tossed Foreman his stolen pager back. "Whatever. Wilson, we're taking a survey. Question: are you gay?"

"Depends."

"Uh… on what?" Taub looked around the table and then back at Wilson.

"What are your parameters? Because if it counts if you've only done it once then that one time at band camp clearly qualifies me."

"Once counts," House told him. "More than once counts more."

Wilson winced. "More than, I guess."

House blinked at his team, then at Wilson. He looked at the ceiling. "Chase and Cuddy and Cameron, too…" He turned to his white board. "She's got Bavarian flu. Taub, go treat her."

"Why me?" He asked, ignoring the fact that House had suddenly come up with an answer when in two days of deliberation he had produced nothing.

"'Cause the thought of you and Foreman together is not cool, man." House shuddered and began to erase the symptoms from the board while at the same time erasing the image from his mind. When he finished he set off for the door. "And all this gayness is spreading. We need to, like, quarantine or something." He pushed open the door and marched down the hall to the elevators.

He had to get out of here, and protect what little heterosexuality he had left.