Disclaimer: Anything recognizable, I no own. Not even the theme is mine; just the crack within.
A Day Late & A Dollar Short: Happy New Year!
Theme: Ninja are way cooler than Pirates
To commemorate the passing of the old and the beginning of a new era of peace, a large celebration was held in Konohagakure no Sato. Friends and allies from all around were invited. There were games held with just a smidgen of gambling involved, alcohol, tons of food, sake, various performances, liquor, dancers, artist, and merchants selling wares of every sort. And, did we mention, lots and lots of drinking. This is Konohagakure, home to the most inebriated leader of all the five nations.
The academy students were given the special task of producing a play for the final evening performance. While the children, with the help of several Genin cells, would direct and handle all aspects of the stage to include sets, music, and costumes; auditions were held for the roles.
Sakura had done a little victory dance after she won the staring role from Ino. The students, intrigued by the entertaining and almost violent competition between the two Chunin, decided that there was no better chemistry opposite their leading lady than Ino. Sakura hooted in laughter at the thought of Ino playing a man, until she met the costume department.
Hinata and an angry Tenten, the tomboy had volunteered to play a male role, were cast as her sisters. Genin boys, who are hardly suited for the intricacy of sewing, proposed simple is easier and went with one-size fits all. So, the three 'sisters' were similarly dressed in a costume matching Tenten's height, fitted for Sakura's small frame but, with a bodice better suited for Hinata's endowment.
Boys + big boobs - you get the ideal.
Tenten quickly made adjustments, slicing thru the stitches, then pinning the sagging neckline to the shirt she wore underneath. Poor Hinata, they squeezed her voluptuous figure into a corset before pulling the dress over her head. All it served was to compound her breathing and make her bust even more pronounced.
Ino's costume was just as bad. Her breast bound, she was coerced into the same pale breaches as the rest of the male cast. Scary as it was on the men, it was at least tolerable. On Ino's shapely ass it was downright pornographic.
Feminist protested that this stereotyped the roles of women in society and that its blatant sexual undertones -S.T.F.U
Continuing onward, the play commenced. Sakura, who was one of the first on stage, barely had enough time to pull up her top before she was shove center stage, almost tripping on the trailing hem. The production, which had started well enough, quickly digressed into a mockery. More Pirates of Penzance than Pirates of the Caribbean.
There was singing. Oodles and oodles of obnoxiously loud singing.
Luckily, Sakura didn't have a solo and could blend her less than talented voice with Hinata's sweet soprano and Tenten's alto. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for the other players.
Jiraiya led his fellow actors in a particularly obscene song complete with gyrating dance number and a raunchy chorus.
"I am the Pirate King!"
"Ho, Ho, He is the Pirate King!"
Maito Gai, cast as the sister's father, belted out his solo with typical youthful enthusiasm.
"I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,"
Rock Lee bounced in the wings, starry-eyed at his idol.
"…For my military knowledge, though 'youthful and beautiful'…
ZING
"But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General."
The many visiting dignitaries thanked Kami that whatever problems they had with their own ninja, were nothing compared to the demented shinobi of Konoha. Even the Hokage was not immune to a bout of insanity as she proceeded to wallop Jiraiya on his head every time he swatted Ino on the ass with a wooden sword.
Hilarious as these shenanigans were, it was about to get much, much worse.
Pandemonium ensued when Shikamaru, acting as Jiraiya's first mate, lazily commented: "Captain. It's bad luck to have a woman (I.E. Tsunade) on board the ship." Hey, it was in the script.
Jiraiya, after far too many potshots to the noggin, proceeded to -open mouth and insert foot- "That's no woman."
Wherein, Tsunade demonstrated exactly why she'd been chosen as the Fifth Hokage. The King was smacked clear across the stage, slamming against the side of his large faux ship. It shook dangerously on the supports.
Tenten finally snapped. She had just about enough from the 'Beautiful Green Beast'.
Men leaned forward in anticipation as she ripped off her dress skirts, revealing the pants she wore underneath.
CURSES!!!
She chased the dynamic duo with a very real, very pointy kunai. Neji trailed a step behind, trying to calm his disturbed girlfriend.
Breathless from the corset, Hinata fainted into the arms of Shino.
Naruto and Kiba swung from the rafters, attempting to copy a sword fight they'd seen in a similar film, a huge white dog bounding after them. The beams swayed and cracked under the strain.
Eventually the slipshod crafted set collapsed. The cast fled as the stage buckled. Sakura, her lengthy train caught on some protruding nails, was catapulted completely out of the ill fitting costume and onto audience members seated in the third row.
She landed in the lap of an equally surprised Kazekage. Flailing her limbs in panic, she accidently cold-cocked his brother, Kankuro, while Temari laughed hysterically from the floor. The chair, unable to handle the weight of two struggling bodies and a half ton of sand, broke.
Sand scattered in various directions as the couple hit the ground. Sakura trembled, absolutely mortified; face squished against Gaara's taunt stomach, a small hand resting on his crotch.
Damn it, she would never challenge Ino for the lead ever again.