Couple Therapy
Pairing: Hermione and Draco
I do not own the Harry Potter series/characters/franchise etc… That's JK Rowling!
Warning: Suggestive topics… if you can't bear reading about it, then I wouldn't… But it's still within a T rating. No lemons.
-x-
"So Mr. Malfoy: please explain your relationship with your wife."
"Bloody effing shit."
-x-
"Mrs. Malfoy, please summarize your husband in three words."
"Egotistical, arrogant and stubborn."
-x-
"Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy, please explain to me why you're both here."
There was a large pause. "I'm here because my wife dragged me here."
The doctor wrote down a few notes. "And Mrs. Malfoy?"
"I'm here because our marriage isn't working."
The man stood up. "You think our marriage isn't working? The only reason why it isn't working is because you're always working and you're never home!"
The woman stood up in retaliation. "And whenever I'm home, you're always 'out with the guys,' she made air quotes, "and you never want to be with me."
The couple kept on shouting until the doctor cleared his throat and gestured for the two to sit down. "I can assume that the reason your marriage isn't working is because of sexual tension."
The couple looked at each other and then looked at the doctor.
"No!"
"Oh god no."
-x-
"Sexual tension my ass." Draco walked over and put his jacket in the closet. "I can't believe we pay actual money to have some loony talk to us about marriage. He actually prescribed us to have more sex!"
Hermione summoned a teapot and two cups to the kitchen table. "Everyone who's having difficulty with marriage goes to couple therapy. People say that it actually works."
"Really? I can tell you for a fact that we spent a good hour there and nothing got done! Our marriage is still the same! I don't feel any different than I did an hour ago!" He slammed the closet door and walked over to his wife.
"It will definitely help in the long run. If we keep on going to these sessions…"
He cut her off. "If we continue to go." He sat down on the couch. "I have no intention going to see some crazy old bat who thinks that we need sex in our marriage. Pretty soon these sessions will turn into sex education or something."
Hermione took a sip of her tea. "Maybe the doctor is right."
Draco laughed. "You actually call that idiot a doctor?"
She put down the cup. "Yes I do. Maybe you don't think that this will help our marriage, what else will?" Hermione looked at the clock. "Sorry but I have to go to work." She kissed him on the cheek and apparated off to the Ministry.
Draco put down his cup and sighed. "Might as well go to work too," he muttered to himself. He got his wand and apparated off.
-x-
At 11:30 pm, Draco disapparated back to their flat in London. He looked around and saw all the lights are off. 'She must still be out.' He took a shower and read a book in the living room.
It wasn't until 12:19 in the morning when Hermione got home. She quietly crept around the house until Draco stood in front of her.
"Where have you been?" He put his hand behind his neck. "Goddamn it I sound like your freaking mother."
Hermione put her purse and jacket away. "And you sound like you've had a bit too much alcohol."
"On the contrary I haven't." He put his book down on the kitchen table. "I was waiting for you."
Hermione walked to the bathroom and turned around, facing him. "That's really sweet of you! But you really didn't need to. You could have stayed out or went to bed." She walked into the bathroom and Draco heard the sound of running water in the shower leaving Draco standing outside the bathroom door.
-x-
Fifteen minutes later, Hermione walked into the bedroom and saw Draco changing into his pajamas.
"Oh god!" Draco turned and saw Hermione blushing and turning in the other direction. Draco rolled his eyes and put his shirt on.
"Seriously? I thought we got over this at Hogwarts. I never knew that you could still be this big of a prude."
Hermione turned towards Draco and put her bundle of clothes into the hamper. "For your information, I was only caught off guard. Nothing more than that." She went into the bed and snuggled under the covers.
Draco snickered. "Admit it, I'm insanely attractive. I'm so attractive that I can turn you on with one look."
Hermione laughed. "I'm so glad that I have a husband who is so confident in his attractive good looks. Good night." She summoned her wand and turned off the lights.
Draco lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. 'Shit… how do I make it go down?'
-x-
"What the hell am I supposed to do now Zabini? I did everything I was supposed to do!" Draco was sitting down in Blaise's living room with a shot glass of firewhiskey in his hand. He ran his free hand through his hair and sighed. "I mean seriously, I wouldn't be discussing this with you, if I didn't need any help."
Blaise sat on his leather chair with a shot glass of firewhiskey and sipped it. "Draco Draco Draco... you can trust me. We've been friends since our Hogwarts days. I'm your confidante." He took another large sip and quickly swallowed, thinking of something to say. "Well, you could always confront her and tell her 'hey Hermione, my junk won't go down so why don't you spread your legs for me and let's have good shag?'." He paused for a moment before continuing. "I'm pretty sure that will do the trick." He put his glass down on the table. "After all, you were the 'Slytherin sex god'. You could shag any girl at Hogwarts!" Blaise sighed. "I guess you have lost your touch."
Draco's mouth was wide open. "What do you take my wife for you bastard? Do you think she's some whore I got from the streets? I can't be that direct about it! This is the Hermione Granger we're talking about… I can't treat her like other women or those girls from Hogwarts… she's different!"
Draco took a sip of his firewhiskey before continuing. "And no, I haven't lost my 'touch'."
Blaise smirked. "Well then, maybe that loony of a doctor was right… you need to have some sex in your marriage." He looked at Draco questionably. "So why are you here in my flat when you could be shagging your wife right now?"
He refilled his shot glass and heard a 'pop' sound from behind him. Blaise smiled and mumbled to himself, "So who's the horny bastard now?"
-x-
"Oh god what am I supposed to do?"
"Hermione, it's really not that big of a deal."
"Ginny… you're pregnant. You get plenty of sex and that thing growing out of you is pretty good proof of it!"
Ginny had a hurt expression on her face and rubbed her belly gently. "You know, the more you insult my child, the more it kicks. And it hurts like bloody hell."
Hermione lay herself down on the couch and began smothering a pillow on her face. "Oh Ginny I'm so sorry!" she muttered under the pillow.
"Sorry, can't really hear you while you're squashing yourself under that pillow. And just to let you know, Harry and I have had some intense make-out sessions on the couch."
Hermione squealed and quickly rose out of the couch. "Ginny!" She yelled, "You're so gross!"
Ginny laughed and smiled at Hermione. "You've been married to Draco for two years. I'm pretty sure that all boundaries between you two are already gone by now. You guys can have sex pretty much any time you want!"
"But that's the problem Ginny…"
"I can't believe that you're coming to me about help about sex. Do you really need to relearn everything you learned from sexual education during your fifth year at Hogwarts? I'm pretty sure that Draco remembers as well so you don't need to worry about protection!"
"But that's not what I'm talking about Ginny…"
"Hermione Granger," Ginny put on her strict voice, "Do I need to teach you about sex? I'm pretty sure… no, I know that you are a smart witch and you don't need help in this… area or expertise." She cleared her throat.
"Ginny!"
"Well, sex is when a man and a woman are in love with each other and the man…"
"Ginny!"
"And the woman have a certain 'urge' in which they feel the need to…"
"Ginny Potter!"
"And the man and the woman both…"
"Oh my god. Ginevra Molly Weasley-Potter!"
Ginny smirked. "I haven't finished my lecture quite yet… but I'm hoping that you get what I'm trying to say."
"I do I do! Now stop that!" She sat down on the couch and the put a pillow on her lap. "But what am I supposed to do?
"Well…" Ginny started thinking and rubbing her large belly. "You could always walk right up to him and say 'Draco darling, I'm really turned on. Why don't you take off your pants and shag me like mad.' That will definitely work."
Hermione's face got red. "I can't do that! He's Draco Malfoy!"
"And I bet he's pretty horny as well considering you guys don't do it regularly. Men need sex, even Draco Malfoy." She stood up and walked to her purse. "Here's some money. Go to Diagon Alley and buy yourself some nice lingerie. I'm sure Draco will like that."
-x-
When she arrived at Diagon Alley, Hermione took a look at the coins that Ginny had given her. How desperate was she?
What if the doctor was right? What if what they needed to make their marriage work is sex? Hermione tucked the coins in her pocket and walked off to a clothes store.
-x-
"Where the hell is she?" Draco threw a pillow to the wall, breaking a glass frame.
Draco looked at the broken frame and fixed it. He looked at the picture and smiled. It was a picture of their wedding. Hermione had her long hair down and a beautiful dress. He sighed and put the picture back up on the wall.
"I need a cold shower…" he started mumbling to himself. He walked straight into the bathroom and turned on the shower. "That damned woman!"
-x-
"Why are you here?" Hermione stared at the pregnant woman who was giving her different lingerie.
"I'm here because I know that you need help. Obviously you're not very good at this!" Ginny started looking around the different lingerie. "Have you decided what color yet?" Hermione shook her head vigorously.
"I'm hopeless!" Hermione screamed. People looked at her and she ducked down to the ground. "Ginny! Why don't we leave…"
"Here, I picked a whole bunch of stuff for you. So go and try them out."
Hermione reluctantly took the pile and rushed into the fitting room.
-x-
Five minutes later Hermione came out of the fitting room. "I'll take these three." She put the rest of them on a rack. Ginny smiled at her.
"See, that wasn't so hard was it?"
Hermione walked up to the cashier and paid for the clothing. 'I wonder what Draco will think when I put them on… I hope he won't think that I'm that desperate!' She thought.
-x-
After two cold showers and half a bottle of firewhiskey, Draco went to his office and started to do ministry paperwork.
He looked at his clean tidy desk and saw a picture of him and Hermione at Hogwarts with their Head boy and girl badges on their robes and diplomas in their hands. They were holding hands together and smiling as everyone else was throwing their hats into the air in the Great Hall.
Draco smiled and watched the Hermione in the picture kiss Draco's cheek. Times were good back then when they were younger, after the war had ended and Voldemort died.
He opened a portfolio and started working.
-x-
Two hours later, he heard a pop sound coming from outside. Draco sloppily and hastily grabbed his wand and headed towards the living room.
He armed himself with his wand and started an incantation. "Petrificus Total…"
Hermione furrowed her eyebrows. "Were you pointing your wand at me Draco?"
Draco put down his wand . "Sorry, force of habit."
"We've been married for two whole years and you're still apprehensive of my entering our home?" Hermione dropped her bags and crossed her arms in anger. Her face had a pink tinge on her cheeks.
"Well, you never know who comes into your house. People apparate into random homes all the time!"
Hermione sighed and picked up her bags again. "Why don't you talk to me again when you're actually sober." She eyed the half-finished bottle of firewhiskey. "You're slurring your words again."
"Am not!" Draco slouched and crossed his arms.
Hermione raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Oh really? For some strange reason, that 'am not' sounded like the word 'snot.'" She walked away with her bags and left the room.
-x-
After Hermione put away her new purchases and Draco took yet another cold shower, Hermione went to the kitchen to prepare dinner.
She heard Draco's footsteps from behind and she pointed at a bottle and cup. "Here's a potion to cure you of your hangover." Draco walked to the bottle and cup, filled the cup up and drank it down hastily. It had the strangest taste of lavender and peaches.
"Let me help with dinner." Draco walked over to Hermione and stood side by side. "You want me to chop those vegetables?"
Hermione reluctantly nodded. "I don't know if you should be handling cutlery after a hangover… but go ahead."
Draco walked to the chopping board and started chopping the bell peppers, trying not to look at Hermione.
He knew that she was very angry and frustrated with him, I mean, if his wife was drinking the crap out her and started acting like a drunken fool; he would obviously flip out. But he was afraid that at dinner she would tell him that she would leave him. He was afraid that one day she would pack up her trunks and disapparate and never come back.
What if she wanted to divorce him?
What if she wanted to leave him?
What if that crazy muggle loony of a doctor was right?
All these thoughts kept on bouncing around in his head, afraid of what would happen. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that he cut himself with the knife instead of the bell pepper.
"Shit!" He swore to himself and pulled out his wand and healed himself.
Hermione turned around. "I told you that you shouldn't be cooking like this." She sighed and paused what she was doing. "Why don't you go wait outside, I'll let you know when dinner is ready."
Draco reluctantly walked out the kitchen and went back into his office to continue his paperwork.
-x-
Forty minutes later and five massive folders of paperwork completed, Draco heard Hermione call him to dinner. He rushed over to the kitchen to find three of his favorite foods: roasted chicken, shepherd's pie and breadsticks. He looked to the kitchen and saw a chocolate cake.
"Wow," he muttered under his breath. "This is amazing."
"Are you going to be standing there the whole time or are you going to sit down?" Hermione had a salad bowl in her hands and stared him down. "Seriously Draco, its just dinner."
"Oh!" Draco felt a jolt in his hands and suddenly felt Hermione's glaring eyes. He immediately went over to her and grabbed the salad bowl. "Sorry about that, I was just thinking." Hermione gave him the salad bowl and sauntered over to her seat.
-x-
The dinner was amazing. They laughed and chatted the entire dinner. It was like all the arguments and the previous tension had dissipated.
It was just like when they were dating at Hogwarts.
"And then, Jenkins walks up to me with his broken wand and told me that he broke it while fighting a troll! He tried using the levitation spell but you know how Jenkins is—he's such a freaking prat… the spell bounced right off of the troll and hit him directly on the chest. And now he's at St. Mungo's!"
Hermione laughed and took a bite of her shepherd's pie. "How long does Jenkins need to stay at St. Mungo's?"
"Three weeks—and all because he couldn't say an easy spell!" Draco laughed heartily while taking a sip of his wine. "Some of the people who work at the Ministry have no idea about half the things they're supposed to do." He took a breadstick and ripped it in half. "I don't really know what to say when people submit reports to me and its absolute nonsense. How am I supposed to submit these nonsensical reports to the Minister if I can't even understand them!"
He swallowed a bite of his breadstick and continued. "I gave a bunch of reports to the Minister, and when he started looking at them, he looked absolutely bloody confused!"
Hermione took a sip of her wine. "Maybe you and Harry need to rethink who's on staff. I mean, the Magical Law Enforcement and the Auror Department work together—and if the aurors and your workers aren't delivering solid reports to you both, then you and Harry should consider letting some of your workers go."
Draco smiled. "True, I should send a note to Potter after dinner to schedule a meeting."
-x-
After a couple of hours, Draco was in his office finishing off his letter to Harry. He solemnly looked at the large pile of files stacked on top of his desk and sighed.
Hermione walked in wearing a purple silk bathrobe and her goblet of red wine from dinner. She smelled of peaches and lavender.
"Draco? Are you coming to bed?"
Draco propped his elbows on his desk and put his head on top of his hands. He sighed and glanced at the files. "I think I'll be up all night love, I have to finish going through these files."
Hermione walked up to Draco and put her arms around his shoulders. "Draco, you have to relax. Come to bed and sleep. I have a terrible feeling that your work is stressing you out." She lightly kissed his cheek and let go of his shoulders. She grabbed his hand, trying to make him leave the chair. "Draco, love, come on already."
"Hermione… I really have to work." He glanced at the huge pile of files on his desk and eyed the ones that were stacked on the floor. "I have to submit most of these reports to the Minister tomorrow morning!"
"No you don't. Didn't you just say that most of these are unreadable and don't make any logical sense? Why should you work on them? You're just wasting your time and your talent." Hermione crossed her arms and huffed. "Draco Malfoy, come to bed this instant! You're stressing yourself out over nothing."
Draco chuckled at Hermione's weak attempt of assertiveness. "You do have a point Hermione, but I can't blame the workers in front of the Minister of Magic dear, otherwise he'll blame me for being lax with the staff."
"Well then I'll go to the Minister of Magic myself to present these cases to him and to prove that these reports are ill written and poorly executed." Hermione huffed again, "come to bed Draco."
"Hermione, aren't you the one that says I should work more? I thought that's what you wanted."
Hermione bit her lip. Draco smiled. Whenever Hermione was nervous or upset, she would always bite her lip.
"Draco… It's true. But right now I think there's nothing you can do about these reports. It's already eleven thirty! And besides, the Minister is going to Turkey tomorrow to discuss some new laws with the wizarding government there, so you honestly have nothing to submit tomorrow anyways."
Draco stood up and Hermione smiled at him. She grabbed both of his hands looked at Draco. "Do you know that I love you Draco? I only want the very best for you."
"And I you." Draco let go of her hands and hugged her.
"Then let's go to bed shall we?" She picked up her goblet of wine and led him to the bed.
-x-
Draco's eyes and mouth widened. The bed was covered with pink rose petals and the room was lit with fragrant lavender candles.
Hermione walked in front of him and smiled. "Happy birthday Draco!"
Draco gave his wife a quizzical look and then stared at the calendar on the wall. He saw a big red circle with Hermione's neat cursive writing.
"It's my birthday?"
Hermione grabbed his hands with hers. "Of course it is! You're 26 now!"
"I… uh… forgot?" Draco chuckled and smiled at Hermione. "I can't believe that you remembered."
"How could I forget my husband's birthday? It's a special occasion!" She let go of Draco's hands and sat down on the bed.
Draco smirked and crossed his arms. "So what's my birthday present?"
Hermione gave him a devilish grin and a 'come hither' look. "Come on birthday boy, let's celebrate." She undid her bathrobe and with a wave of her wand, turned off the lights.
-x-
The next morning Draco woke up absolutely and blissfully content. He looked down and saw his wife in his arms, snuggling next to him for body heat. "Mmmm…"
Last night was absolutely amazing. Draco couldn't even put it into words. He looked and saw his and her clothes scattered all over the floor.
That loony of a doctor was right.
All they needed was some mind-blowing sex.
-x-
So… it's finally done.
After a couple months thinking about it and developing it, it's all set!
I know that I should be working on my other stories, but I couldn't help but write this short (actually it's not really short since on Word it's 10 pages) oneshot.
I also know that I'm trying out my comedic writer side, since I usually write dramatic/angsty/whatever kind of stories and humor isn't usually my forte.
But I'm trying!
Please ignore any grammar errors, this hasn't really been properly edited. Maybe some other time I revise it and put it back up. I just want to know what you guys think about it. I tried very much to keep it in character (if I didn't, then Hermione would probably hop right on top of Draco and seduce him or Draco would do something absolutely stupid) but you know, there could be some iffy parts where they really aren't in character or something… I don't really know.
But I've worked pretty hard on it, so I hope that everyone will read, review and enjoy it! ^^