This story is more or less an autobiography. I wrote it to heal from the situation that I had recently been through. I've always identified with Raven and my boyfriend is very much like Beast Boy. So, here goes.
Like I said, I wrote this to heal. Not to glorify any stance on a really sensitive issue. If you disagree with the choices made, I respect that. But please respect that this is meant to be artistic, not a platform for you to voice your disagreement. I respect all stances on the issue.
I hope Raven and Beast Boy seem true to character, because again- this is more or less an autobiography at this point. Otherwise R&R! Thanks for clicking!
"How are you? Are you okay?"
She cracked opened her eyes to see her green boyfriend standing over her bed with a box of doughnuts. Her stirring made it obvious that she had acknowledged his presence, though she wasn't quite ready to look him in the eye. He remained in her peripheral vision as she prepared her body and mind to have a conversation she desperately didn't want to have.
The sun peered over the horizon into her dark room, but her black and purple chambers barely seemed to notice any light pouring in. Raven's face was illuminated in contrast to the dark bedding around her. Her purple eyes glistened in the sunlight, though her expression was detached and doll-like. Beast Boy had seen that look enough times to know how he had to act with her today.
He placed box of doughnuts on her nightstand and sat beside her on the bed. "Rae…?"
"I'm okay" she finally responded, but still couldn't meet his eyes.
"Rae tell me things, we can talk if you want to… do you want to tell me how it went? Did it hurt?" he placed his hand on her shoulder and stared down at her still body on the bed. Raven didn't even have to be an empath to feel guilt and concern emanating off of him. His eyes were as sad and heavy as she had ever seen them, and her silence was making it worse by the second.
He's relentless, she thought to herself. Why couldn't he just respect her need for privacy right now?
She started to sit up strait, still gripping her blanket to cover her bottom half. She was in her usual leotard, hunched-over, sitting cross-legged on her bed. She really didn't want to speak to anyone at all, but she knew she owed him an account of her morning. Ever since she had shared this news with him, he was all over her. Every minute was spent trying to cheer her up and make her laugh, as if she could forget what was happening to her body even for a second.
His pestering was honestly good for her well-being. If Raven had it her way, she really wouldn't talk about her feelings with anyone. She did love him, despite being in constant disbelief about that fact. So many moments she would catch herself throughout the day and think 'Really Raven… Beast Boy. Garfield fucking Logan is your boyfriend. How did your oh so keen empathy and intelligence not see this one coming.'
Not that she was embarrassed to be dating him, far from it. She always found him funny and attractive. Honestly, she thought he would never go for her. They were nearly polar opposites. Even after agreeing to an initial date, in her mind she had decided that it would never be anything serious. Yet, here they were. Their relationship continued to grow every day, despite her arrogant pre-conceived notions. Raven had to admit she was actually, really happy.
Their most recent history, though, was pained to say the least. That's not to say that they weren't closer than ever before. Right now, they had to be. Raven knew she needed him now. Even though everything in her resented needing anybody.
"Well I got there, and there were already protestors outside. There was just one man though, who yelled at me as I walked through the door. Then I went to the desk and they asked me to pay…". She recounted the whole ordeal as if were part her daily routine. All of the details were unmistakably personal, yet there was a distinct indifference in her tone. It was the only way she knew how to speak about these kinds of things. "They were playing some iconic disco song in the room where it happened, but I can't seem to remember the name of now. It just made me feel like I was in some kind of edgy slaughterhouse movie." She rolled her eyes recalling that last part.
Beasty Boy chuckled. Only she would slip in a sarcastic comment during a story like this.
"But it wasn't painful. In fact, it was only a few minutes. It felt really weird though. But before I knew it, it was over and I was sent to a recovery room to rest." She finally looked up at him. They both noticed that she had a touch more life in her eyes than when he had first gotten there. Telling the whole story was a lot more therapeutic than she would've originally thought.
"Well that's good", he said, completely unsure of how to react. Neither of them had been in this situation before but he was relieved to know that she wasn't in physical pain at any point.
"Yeah..." was all she could say.
Silence awkwardly settled between them, and Raven was uncharacteristically spoke first. "So, I asked the doctor… 'Hey, so I'm definitely pregnant right?' "
He snorted laughing. Beast Boy so was caught off guard by her deadpan manner and how she finally addressed the big fucking elephant in the room, "Oh jeez, what'd he say?"
"He said, 'Yup, you are definitely pregnant', and I said 'Okay, I just wanted to check because three weeks ago I was peeing on a stick from a drugstore and now I'm here having an operation.' Whatever." She brushed her hair behind her ear and gave a quick 'fuck my life' kind of smirk.
"Yeah seriously," he reflected, "I can't believe it's been only a few weeks." Raven felt his mood leave its brief moment of levity, and return to the guilt and sadness from before.
"Yeah" she mused, matching his mood. Their combined energy was unbelievably dismal.
He could never stand to dwell there too long. "Well, at least it's behind us! The worst is over right?!". He felt Raven going dark, so he felt responsible for cheering her up.
"Maybe, but I don't know." They both knew his effort was pointless. He was, wonderful, but a bit dense sometimes. She couldn't just ignore all the sad and be positive the way he seemed to be able to. Raven didn't blame his lack of understanding though; this was just what happens when you date your polar opposite. Especially now, he would never be able to understand what she had just been through.
"My body hates me. My dumb female hormones are in constant flux and I'm worried I wont be able to keep my powers from blowing shit up." She confessed. "I just had our child living inside me, following me everywhere I went, making me tired and nauseous and bloated, and now its gone. I approached this logically, I thought it would be easier than this. I've always been able to control my emotions but…"
"Rae…," he crawled under the covers and hugged her waist. His head nuzzled the side of her torso, as she remained, unflinching, in her cross-legged position. He was happy she finally really opened up.
Raven was surprised at her own word vomit, but she kept going, "…but this was unlike anything I've ever felt before. I never thought I would ever have this much conflict between my head and my heart. I could even feel what the gender was, and I just couldn't help getting excited about being a mother on some level. I'm having a-lot of trouble thinking logically, which is not normal for me. It's not who I am. But, after having all these feelings, I don't know who I am or what I'm capable of anymore."
"It's completely natural to feel that way Raven," he spoke softly. "You just know sometimes, and the sensitivity of your powers probably made this way harder. I have no doubt you could tell what the gender was, but I'm sorry it made the attachment that much more real when you went through this. But your body it just acting the way nature intended, it doesn't mean you're suddenly a different kind of girl now. I know I keep saying this, but I think we did the right thing."
"I know it was the right thing. I mean, we are children ourselves. We have no time or resources to care for a baby with our lives. And who knows what kind of shape-shifting demon offspring we would have made. And of course, my father would …" she stopped herself before she lost emotional control.
"It would be unfair dude! I mean, we've all had such messed up childhoods that I think we can agree on who we don't want to be… its just that, well... I don't think I'm who I want to be yet. I'm not ready, we aren't ready. But we can still have our day to be a mom and dad, we'll have our time." She felt him smile into her side.
Absolutely relentless, her eyes unconsciously. Though, this is exactly why she needed his optimism around. She couldn't have made that breakthrough on her own.
She looked down at him hugging her waist. He must have felt her looking because he stopped nuzzling into her side and turned his head so his eyes met hers.
They leaned in to kiss each other, as if to tell the other you are not alone in this.
Opposites, maybe, but they weren't alone.
They were almost bonded forever in the form of a person.
"What… did you think they gender was?" he interrupted their moment. She cursed herself for spilling that detail to him. Up until now, he had been trying to hide how this had made him feel and focus on her. She knew this would do his optimism in, but he deserved the truth.
"It was a girl."
Raven felt a wave of his guilt and agony. I knew I shouldn't have told him.
'Fuck' she thought. He was completely shattered.
His darkness was a completely different animal than hers. It wasn't often that she had seen this side of him, and the unnaturalness of it made it that much sadder to witness. She was more comfortable in the darkness than he was.
But that's why he needed her, too.
"What are you thinking, Beast Boy?" she asked, though she already knew. She began stroking his messy green locks. She knew he liked it when she played with his hair.
"I just… I guess, like, part of me always thought I would be a really good dad, y'know?"
"I know…" she slipped out of his arms and readjusted herself from a seated position to lie down next to him. She had to be as close to him as physically possible. He buried his head into her chest and she embraced him.
"It never really hit me until now, but… we made a little girl, and we decided we weren't good enought keep her…" he broke into tears. Maybe he was finally starting to understand what her hormones were screaming at her for the past few weeks.
"I always thought this would be easy and obvious to deal with, but I had no idea." Raven began, but knew she had to let him cry. These moments were rare as is, but Raven knew he needed this release more than he realized. "But, like you said we will have our day. Part of what really scared me was that I learned how capable I am of giving love, of giving my life to this thing or person I couldn't meet. There just so much within me that I wanted to give her, but I knew I wasn't prepared."
His sobbing slowed, he looked up from her chest into her purple eyes again.
"We can still have our day" she reassured them both.
She picked up his chin, "You'd make a great dad, you already have the sense of humor of one" she gave him one of her rare smiles, the only effective weapon against his sadness.
They kissed again, I swear you are not alone in this.
"Rae? It wasn't worth it" Garfield finally admitted.
Raven was secretly glad he had broken the heaviness of their moment, but pretended to be annoyed anyway. "Ya think?" she retorted.
"Hey, but that sex was freakin AWESOME. C'mon, it was like the best ever!" He proudly recalled his performance that oh so fateful day. Despite the accident that occurred after, all he was saying for weeks was that his accident was totally "worth it". He even tried to keep it up once he had heard Ravens special news... but for some reason it just wasn't quite as funny.
"Yeah it was great but it definitely wasn't 'worth it' to-" she said in a mocking tone.
"I still think you said IN me not ON-" SMACK.
"Okay well were a little bit passed that now." Raven huffed, massaging her right hand.
"Okay, okay" he rubbed his cheek, "Had I known that you would have to go through this, then yes totally not worth it. I'm… really sorry this happened.". He felt solely responsible for all this on some level.
"It was both of our fault". In reality, she kind of thought it was a little bit more his fault than hers for losing himself to that moment, but what did that even matter now. Realistically, both of them could have taken more action to avoid this.
"Still, you had to feel this physically and live with this, I was still just some dude at the end of the day" his guilt was really sad to her, but she was comforted to know he worried he was about her.
"Ill be okay, Beas-… Gar.", and, if they were being completely honest now "… I'm just, afraid of the emotions I might not be ready for. I don't know if I will accidentally hurt you, or myself, or our friends…" She said, finally confessing her greatest fear of all. Naturally, she fell back into her numb condition immediately after such a confession.
He said nothing, but she knew he understood. They sat in silence together for a nearly a minute. Beast Boy finally shifted over to the box of doughnuts he put on her nightstand. Sitting up, he grabbed the one with chunks of cookie dough sprinkled atop and halved it for the two of them.
Raven decided not to scold him for getting crumbs on her bed, and just eyed him eagerly waiting whatever he was about to say. She had finally opened up, dammit.
"I know it doesn't feel like it inside, but you're so strong Rae. You've been dealt a tough hand, but you always figure it out" he said, biting into the doughnut.
Raven was a little surprised. It almost like he admired her strength, when she was barely convinced of its existence. In her mind he was leagues stronger than she could ever muster herself to be.
Negativity was Raven's default. She secretly wished she could adopt his approach to problems. Optimism and smiles until the very end, seldom crying and only behind closed doors. Raven didn't have the best track record for keeping it together, though her outbursts were a bit more noticeable than other people's thanks to the her powers.
She continued to stare blankly at her half of a doughnut. In a way, he was kind of right, its not like any of the things she had been through had broken her. But this was so new, and she didn't know how her feelings would play themselves out.
But, right now, she agreed to make peace with not knowing. "Thanks"
"No thank you, I needed to get those feelings out too. I really do love you Rae, we'll get through this." His eyes were kind as he looked at her from his upright position.
"I love you too." Raven smiled a second time, finally feeling a faint glimmer of optimism of her own making.
They smiled at each other a few more seconds before both turning their gazes to the cityscape out her window. The brightness of the sun symbolized hope for them yet, considering the weather channel had declared rain all day.
"So uh… when do you think… uh, we might be able to top the last time?" He glanced her way, wiggling his eyebrows seductively.
Aaaaand now they were back to their normal selves.
"Don't even think about it."
R&R please! Thanks for making it to the end :)