hiA/N: This shot takes place between seasons 3 and 4 (after the Foot battle and Leo getting hurt, but before they know that Splinter is alive). Just a heads up, so you know the general time setting.
Pennies and Pain
Thick fingers tapped lightly on the banister of the old porch. Their owner was lost in thought, his gaze a thousand miles away but troubled and clouded all the same.
The creak of floorboards alerted him to someone's presence. He didn't have to look to know who it was. "Hey, Raph."
"Penny for your thoughts?" the brawler asked quietly as he came and stood at the rail next to his brother.
"Trust me, you don't want to know what's going on in my head right now," came the short reply.
Raph ran an appraising gaze across Leo's body, taking in the taut muscles and stiff posture. "You're being too hard on yourself, bro. It's not a big deal. Sure, you lost, but anyone else under the circumstances would've lost too. Except they wouldn't have made it out alive."
The eldest didn't answer - didn't even move except to swallow and clench his jaw harder. After a long while, he finally broke the silence.
"I can't...I can't stop thinking about it, Raph. About him. Kraang, he's in my head. He...he won't go away."
"He is young, overconfident, foolish...I want to see him suffer."
A flash of lightning, a whisper of steel. Pain, ripping through him and tearing him apart.
Then nothing.
He didn't know he was crying, didn't even know he'd flashed back until he registered the fact that Raph was shaking him, fingers digging into the skin of his arms.
"Leo, snap out of it. C'mon bro."
The leader flinched and pulled back, averting his watery cobalt gaze. "S-Sorry. I didn't mean to..."
"Leo."
They locked eyes, then, and Leo's breath caught in his throat. Raph's neon green orbs held no anger, or blame, or doubt - only gentle, steadfast love and unwavering loyalty.
"It's okay."
And then he really, truly broke down and let himself cry for the first time since they - since he - had lost everything. "This is all my fault," he whispered, more to himself than anyone else. "If I hadn't gone off like I did, we'd all be together."
"Sure, in a Kraang cell, or a science lab, or a mass grave," his twin pointed out dryly. "Don't be so damn hard on yourself, bro. Yeah, maybe you screwed up. You're not perfect. Fine. Learn from it. But don't punish yourself. You've made up for it a million times over already."
Leo laughed; it was a humorless sound, one that didn't belong in his mouth. That was a sound that Raph would've made. "You all keep saying that. You keep telling me that I've made up for my mistakes. I haven't truly made up for them until I stop making them, Raphael. And that's something that none of you will ever understand."
"Bro, everyone makes mistakes. That's what makes us human."
"But we're not human! That's my point! And being not human sets a higher standard for us - for me. Being not human gives me much more responsibility to do what's right, to keep on the straight and narrow, to not make mistakes. I can't afford to make mistakes. Especially not on that big of a level."
And for the first time since leaving New York City, Raph felt a surge of anger towards his brother. He glared at him, crossing his arms, fiery green gaze snapping. "What part was a mistake, Leonardo? The part where you saved our asses? The part where you made it possible for us to get to a safe place? Or maybe the part where you actually woke up and gave us hope again? What out of all that was a mistake?"
The leader fell silent. He couldn't - or wouldn't - answer. Anything he'd say would be terrible. "...Raph-" he tried eventually.
"Don't 'Raph' me. I want to know exactly where you think you screwed up. 'Cause it sure as hell wasn't the part where you kept Don from getting disintegrated. And I know for a fact that it wasn't the part where you led the danger away from us. So what exactly was it?"
"...Dad..."
Oh.
Oh.
Realization hit Raph like a freight train and he gripped the porch railing for balance. Survivor's guilt, Donnie would've called it. The fact that Leo was here and Splinter wasn't. The fact that Leo hadn't been there.
"Bro... you couldn't have done anything. I'm telling you. I was there."
"But if I hadn't run off then he'd still be alive." Whispered words, dripping with pain. Guilt. Loathing.
"And we'd all be dead," Raph countered softly. "Leo, there is absolutely no way any other outcome would be better than this one. One of us, or all of us, would be..." He didn't say it. He was still holding out hope that their father was still alive. They all were.
"It just...it hurts, Raph. It hurts so damn much sometimes. It's like I didn't even realize what I had until it was gone."
"I get it." Leo eyed him doubtfully. "No, really. I understand. I...aw, what was the word Don used? Empathize? No, sympathize. But you gotta start moving on. We can't go find him if you don't get better."
The blue-banded ninja swallowed, going silent again as he turned the words over in his mind. He knew that his twin was right - that the hothead was hardly ever wrong about these sorts of things. But it didn't make it any easier to face the truth.
Eventually, he got the courage to look up again. Cool blue met fierce green and though no words passed between the two brothers, a million things were said.
Leo smiled.
It was a fragile expression, but real all the same. Raph decided right then and there that he'd do anything to keep that smile on the leader's face. Leo's smile was rarely given and joyfully received. His smile - that warm, gentle smile that he reserved only for the ones closest to him - was the world.
"Let's do this," Leo told his sibling.
And Raph would have followed him to the gates of Hell itself.
A/N: As per usual, wasn't sure how to end this. Ah, well.Please review! It means so incredibly much to me - and always brightens my day.